Feeling a little overwhelmed and guilty

mm_82
mm_82 Member Posts: 2
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
This is the 10th day after my mom's first round of chemo and I already feel overwhelmed. I am trying to balance helping her and taking care of my kids (8 and 6). There have been a couple of days that I haven't been able to go over to her house and help her out, but I have always called to make sure everything was ok and to make sure she didn't need anything. She's becoming very needy. She wants me to be at her house all day long and I just can't do that and keep up with my own family/needs. I've offered for her to come stay with me so she'd have company and someone to help her, but she wants to be at her own apartment. I know she doesn't have much of an appetite right now but I am sure trying to get her to eat jello, popsicles, ensure, etc and she just doesn't seem to eat or drink anything. Everytime I give her something she acts like she's about to vomit and tells me that it's not cold enough, not warm enough, not the right flavor, etc. I just am about at my wits end. I called her yesterday morning after I woke up to see if she needed anything from the store and she told me she was fine, but once I got there complained that I haven't been to the store for her in awhile. Then she said I'm not there enough so she invited a friend to stay with her 3 days a week until she's done with her treatments in September. I think she said that to make me feel guilty. She's really good with pulling the guilt trips and I think she uses her illness to her advantage sometimes. During this whole period of her finding out about her cancer I found out I have gallstones and need surgery. I feel awful and I can't wait to have that surgery so I can feel better, but she reminds me everyday that I'm leaving her to go to her doctor appointments and next round of chemo by herself. I've got everything arranged so that her best friend is taking my place until I bounce back and am able to care for her again, but I do feel very guilty.

Am I being too insensitive?

Comments

  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #2
    self care
    Guilt is out of place here, unless you like having your strings pulled. It sounds like stepping back a bit is the best move right now, with nothing to feel guilty about. Your mom inviting her friend to stay with her is an act of self-care, and that is excellent! You can't be everything to your mom, so why try?

    I've been taking care of my mom for over a year, through surgery, chemo and lots of complications, and she's pretty self centered to start with. I live several hundred miles away, so when I'm not there and call I always go out of my way to tell mom what a great job she's doing taking care of herself, which really is a challenge. She has responded well to that line of reasoning, and takes pride in looking after herself now that it has been defined as something special and rare, worthy of praise and respect. Worth a try anyway.

    Not to get into your business, but the laparascopic gall bladder removal procedure only has a 5-day recovery period, and most people don't spend a night in the hospital. Can you go ahead and get yourself fixed up soon? Don't want you to crumple as a caregiver...
  • onhold
    onhold Member Posts: 23
    #3
    don't feel guilty
    I agree with Barbara, take care of yourself and don't feel guilty about it. You won't be good to anyone if you are worn down & not healthy. And I like your approach Barbara, praising the self-care ability.
    The approach I took was to be forthright with my husband. I let him know that if he wore me out by not complying with things in his best interest then I would not be able to be there for him. And then he would be stuck away from home with no caregiver (he was getting treatment out of town). He was a better patient after that. This worked for us, but I know it would not be right for a lot of folks.
    I helped my husband through 6 months of intense chemo, he only had one 'good' week out of every 3 weeks, so I know how draining it can be. And my kids are grown! I can't imagine having little ones. I admire your determination to be there.
    I did have laproscopic gallbladder removal as an emergency surgery, was able to get out & walk after a few days, but did take it easy for a few weeks (no lifting and that type of stuff). I hope yours can be done soon so that you can recover, feel better, and continue on with your life. And best of luck to your mom, hope she responds well.
  • Fay115
    Fay115 Member Posts: 2
    #4
    Support
    I agree with the above comments. I take care of my father who has been diagnosed with cancer a year already. I am exhausted. Between surgery, complications, and chemo. I can only imagine the stress you are under with two kids and your own medical issues. Her friend is helping to give you a break. I wouldn't feel too guilty. Take care of your own health first otherwise, it would be difficult to be an effective caregiver for your family and your mom. Be well.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #5
    No Guilt
    Don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself. The number one rule of caregiving is take care of yourself. It is also the hardest one. Yet you have to do that. I had gallstones and had my gallbladder removed. The stones are really painful and can be very debilitating. Have the surgery. Let the friend help out. That is what friends are for. I know many of our friends really wanted to help. Your mother will just have to understand. If she doesn't, don't take that guilt trip. You are doing the best you can. That is all you can do. Guilt is a wasted emotion. Fay

    P.S. I see we have another Fay. Hi!

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