I keep snapping at my mom

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tmc576
tmc576 Member Posts: 60 Member
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
I really need to learn more patience, but I swear she is being difficult. We are on day 7 after round 1 of chemo. She is still feeling having some nausea, so she was looking in her book the dr gave her about foods that might be good for her. I thought this would be a good idea until I saw the list.
1. popsicles - we have some in the freezer, but apparently they aren't good enough
2. jello - reasonable request
3. celery - she just finished the celery I had got her, I haven't had a chance to get more
4. cream soups - I just bought her like 10 different kinds of soup. Plus, her fav is chicken noodle, which my neighbor made a whole batch of homemade for her. funny, now chicken noodle doesn't sound good. btw, she has never liked any kind of cream soup.
5. dried fruit - i asked her what kind the book said. she said raisens, apricots, prunes. I said we have a big bag of raisens - she said she wanted apricots.
6. popcorn - this is where i lost my temper and snapped at her. i said mom, we have a whole big box of popcorn. she said that the kind i had was so dry it made her gag. she needed one with butter. I told her it was butter flav, just light, and she has always eaten it before. she said that she couldnt eat it now. I said "whatever" and walked upstairs.

I go out of my way to get her foods she likes and can eat. She also wont eat leftovers. in my house we eat food till its gone - if someone makes us a big casserole, we will eat it twice. Or i will make a big batch of something so i can skip a night of cooking. but she wont eat anything again, and then i feel responsible or obligated to make something else. Ughhh!

I know I complain a lot on here, but I really do love my mom. i just use this as a way to get my frustrations out. Thanks for listenting!

Tracey

Comments

  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #2
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    she is acting spoiled
    Your mother is acting like a spoiled child. Don't let her get to you. Give her a paper and pencil to make a list of exactly the brands/products she wants.

    You're not the first to endure wildcat criticism. With my mom and I it was about mayonnaise. I had no idea one could be so wrong in the selection of a brand! On days when nothing I did was right, I thought maybe buttons were being pushed that had gathered dust since I was a teenager.
  • ruthelizabeth
    ruthelizabeth Member Posts: 138
    #3
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    Barbara53 said:

    she is acting spoiled
    Your mother is acting like a spoiled child. Don't let her get to you. Give her a paper and pencil to make a list of exactly the brands/products she wants.

    You're not the first to endure wildcat criticism. With my mom and I it was about mayonnaise. I had no idea one could be so wrong in the selection of a brand! On days when nothing I did was right, I thought maybe buttons were being pushed that had gathered dust since I was a teenager.

    Maybe?
    Can't say for sure, but if I didn't know better, I'd swear you had my mother-in-law at your house. No, she was never sick. She just wanted to be the center of attention ALL the time. If she couldn't get attention one way, she'd get it another. Picked loud fights. ONce even threw up discreetly into her napkin at a restaurant. Really got our attention.

    Could your mother want extra EXTRA attention or reassurance now?
  • tmc576
    tmc576 Member Posts: 60 Member
    #4
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    ruthelizabeth said:

    Maybe?
    Can't say for sure, but if I didn't know better, I'd swear you had my mother-in-law at your house. No, she was never sick. She just wanted to be the center of attention ALL the time. If she couldn't get attention one way, she'd get it another. Picked loud fights. ONce even threw up discreetly into her napkin at a restaurant. Really got our attention.

    Could your mother want extra EXTRA attention or reassurance now?

    Probably
    It's just I don't know how much more attention I can give her. She has become my fourth child!

    And sorry, I had to chuckle about the napkin at the restaurant. If we don't laugh we may cry!
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #5
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    Food
    Food seems to be a real common problem. My husband was really a sweetheart most of the time when it came to his care, but food was another story. He couldn't decide what he wanted to eat until the last minute, and what he wanted then was usually not in the house. I made a lot of quick trips to the market. Also, something he liked one day rarely sounded good to him the next day. Things he had never particularly liked suddenly became gotta haves. We have talked about this in our cancer support group, and it sounds like many cancer patients have the same problem. I'm guessing that your mom's needy nature really multiplies an already difficult problem. Oh, add butter to the popcorn. My husband did that. He added lots of butter.

    This is a good place to come and vent. It sounds like you are doing the right thing to walk away at times. Then take a few deep breaths. Beat on a pillow, or do whatever helps you get past the frustration. Hang in there, Fay
  • wonderingalice
    wonderingalice Member Posts: 49
    #6
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    Please be patient.
    Please try to be patient with your mom. Chemo has many side affects which change taste and sensation. Mouth sores and/or dry mouth can make foods like chips/popcorn difficult to eat. Favorite foods become suddenly unappealing. It is so important for cancer patients to get as much nutrition as possible, and our job as caregivers to help them figure out what is palatable. I know this can be frustrating. My mother is battling a recurrence of an aggressive uterine cancer and when I visit I try to do the grocery shopping and cooking. Many things she used to love she has no interest in at all - she used to eat chocolate daily and says it sounds awful now. We have discovered a lentil soup recipe that she likes a lot and so I stock the freezer with that before I go. There is a great cook book put out by the American Cancer Society that has simple recipes that are divided into sections for each symptom (changes in taste, sensitive mouth, etc.)

    Hang in there - this is a difficult journey.

    ~Al.
  • angelsbaby
    angelsbaby Member Posts: 1,165 Member
    #7
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    wonderingalice said:

    Please be patient.
    Please try to be patient with your mom. Chemo has many side affects which change taste and sensation. Mouth sores and/or dry mouth can make foods like chips/popcorn difficult to eat. Favorite foods become suddenly unappealing. It is so important for cancer patients to get as much nutrition as possible, and our job as caregivers to help them figure out what is palatable. I know this can be frustrating. My mother is battling a recurrence of an aggressive uterine cancer and when I visit I try to do the grocery shopping and cooking. Many things she used to love she has no interest in at all - she used to eat chocolate daily and says it sounds awful now. We have discovered a lentil soup recipe that she likes a lot and so I stock the freezer with that before I go. There is a great cook book put out by the American Cancer Society that has simple recipes that are divided into sections for each symptom (changes in taste, sensitive mouth, etc.)

    Hang in there - this is a difficult journey.

    ~Al.

    My husband was the same
    Things looked good or he would crave things i would get it and he would take two bites and then did not want it that is what got me so fat during that time because what he would not eat i would eat it. i would go get him something from dairy queen then two hours later i would be going somewhere else for something else. it was frustrating but i would do it again and again because i wanted him to eat something atleast. Just try to do your best and i would remind myself that he is sick and i am not so i did everything he wanted . take care

    michelle
  • wonderingalice
    wonderingalice Member Posts: 49
    #8
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    angelsbaby said:

    My husband was the same
    Things looked good or he would crave things i would get it and he would take two bites and then did not want it that is what got me so fat during that time because what he would not eat i would eat it. i would go get him something from dairy queen then two hours later i would be going somewhere else for something else. it was frustrating but i would do it again and again because i wanted him to eat something atleast. Just try to do your best and i would remind myself that he is sick and i am not so i did everything he wanted . take care

    michelle

    full fridge
    My parents fridge is overflowing, just because we would rather have anything and everything available to her just in case it sounds good.

    It's difficult for me because I love to cook and often that is my best way of showing that I care, but they are not trying to be difficult.

    I know that for my mom eating has become a chore that she has to do - not a pleasure at all like it is for those that are healthy.
  • onhold
    onhold Member Posts: 23
    #9
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    food issues
    It is hard to find the balance between caregiver and self, and food is a big issue with chemo. Things that have never been a problem become problems after chemo (suddenly too dry, oily, bland, sweet, hot, cold, etc), and we also had issues with foods that were only good once. If the leftover issue is one of your main problems, and if you have the freezer space, then by all means freeze leftovers. They might sound better when chemo is over. Or share the leftovers with neighbors, friends, family, a local church or food bank, or even Hospice (our hospice delivers food to grieving families, but your area Hospice may do things differently).
    And definitely use the boards here to post your feelings, sometimes it is better to just put it in writing to get it out of your system.
  • SuzyQ67
    SuzyQ67 Member Posts: 31
    #10
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    They tend to get unusual appetites-
    HI Tracey,
    I'm ready to pull out my hair too. My dad gets chemo once a week,And he's hungry for 2 straight days from the steriods, I've spoken to 3 other elderly patients at the center, and they all have the same food issues. It's so frustrating..but you aren't alone. He has my disabled mom waiting on him hand /foot. She can barely walk herself. I found myself running almost daily to get anything that he could possibly be interested in eating, he lost 40lbs prior to diagnosis, and he started with the same- I'm tired of that , I ate it for lunch yesterday,I don't like this, I haven't had such & such for a long time ( something I didn't buy, that wasn't requested ) Oh-then the loss of appetite- and NOTHING is good enough. I offer Boost, NO WAY- The nurse @ Chemo gives him a FREE 6pack- he takes it and it's the greatest thing in the world. He wanted LIVER & ONIONS- I buy it, mom cooks it( yuck) Never one THANK YOU. I don't think he knows that saying. My brother keeps reminding me it's the nuclear chemicals- not us. Oh, my brother is taking him for chemo next week. Good luck. I finally got dad to take a snack with him to the cancer center- because even after breakfast- he's HUNGRY on the way home @ 10:00am. And he sounds like a 3 year old when he says it. I still think you're doing a great job with your mom, but boy- do I understand the food issues. My mom is frustrated with it already too. I look at it - as long as they eat something, but you have a family to feed too. All our world revloves around is dad (in his mind) Don't feel bad, we are human, and do reach a point of getting exhausted.Hang in there. You're mom isn't spoiled, she is a cancer patient, and it's a challenge. For all of us. I don't like cherry jello. UUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!
  • tmc576
    tmc576 Member Posts: 60 Member
    #11
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    Sometimes I just like to complain
    The very next day after "the list" I went and bought everything on it, including "ultimate butter" popcorn.

    She just called and asked me to stop and get cole slaw from KFC on my way home - she couldn't find anything she wanted to eat for lunch :)

    Tracey

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