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Its been 6 years, when does it get better?

tucsonchris
Posts: 3
Joined: Jun 2010

When I was 8 my mom was diagnosed with brain cancer. For 10 years she faught it, having several major surgeries and going through some of the worst pain a person could go through. Growing up the focus of our family went directly to our mom because of how sick she was. We never did family trips, did family game night. Our father never came to sports games or anything like that. When I was 18 in 2004 my mom passed away. Because I was always the youngest in the family I was normally the one to stay home and take care of my mom, before and after school. During that time we created this bond that I think surpassed that of my brothers. No matter how much pain she was in, she still managed to help me with home work or do things for me. When she died it was like a huge part of me was gone. My family was never the family to talk about things, so we never really talked about how to cope with the loss. Our dad was cheating on her before she passed away and is married to the lady now and has abandonded us kids. On top of that, a 5 year serious relationship ended and I felt like I was left with nothing but, my brother.

When does the pain go away? I have been doing a lot of thinking and I am beginning to believe that the things that I've had to deal with in my life are affecting my relationships today. I have fears of being abandonded when I start getting really close to someone, specifically a girlfriend and my head starts playing games with me. The smallest things make me freak out and think crazy thoughts about cheating and lying. What things can I do to change this? I honestly feel like the 10 years my mom faught cancer and the last 6 years after her death have really put a toll on me emotionally and not really sure what to do. Any words of advice would be great.

Chris

sue Siwek
Posts: 281
Joined: Jun 2009

okay, i lost my parents 6 months apart. granted i was much older than you but believe me losing a parent is alway traumatic! do not let this stop you from going on. what would your mother think of that? i see everyday in my 4 children something that reminds me of my parents. this is important because for her to live on you must live your life. i believe that when i die that my children will see me in them selves and in their children. i am so lucky to have survived to see my children grow, and have grandchildren and to see me in them and my husband in them. my husband has survived 10 years with brain cancer and parkinson's disease. this has made us all strong. get up move on do it for your mother. make her proud.

tucsonchris
Posts: 3
Joined: Jun 2010

Thank you Sue, that means a lot.

PBJ Austin
Posts: 346
Joined: Mar 2009

My husband lost his mom to cancer at a young age. Like you he was his mom's primary caregiver. When she passed he was left to help raise his kid brother and to deal with a mean, abusive father. Needless to say this was devastating for my husband and his brother.

The best thing they could have done would be to go in for counselling, but sadly my father-in-law did not think of that and he probably wouldn't have gone for it anyway. The kid brother is now in prison and my husband endured years of depression from the loss of his mom, his dad's bad behavior and having a brother in prison.

Finally about 3 years ago my husband went in for counselling and it has made a huge difference. Please check around and find a place where help is available. You could do either counselling or a support group. I don't know your financial situation but please do not let money be an issue, as you can't afford NOT to do this. Help is available, you just have to reach out and find it. There is healing.

You've taken the first step by coming to this board, now it's time to reach even further for your well-being. Good luck and I wish you peace.

Irene626's picture
Irene626
Posts: 21
Joined: Apr 2010

i dont think the pain ever goes away..you just deal with it...thats all u can do...i just lost my mom last month on may 17 to a GBM grade 4 brain tumor...since then i have not the same..i cry all the time..she is my best friend..i miss her so much....you got 10 years after diagnosis with your mom thats how u should look at it at least u got that..i only got 5 months with mine and the whole 5 months shes was is so much pain and suffering...i appreicated every moment i had with her even though it was the hardest thing seeing her go through this...i was her caregiver and i cherish that so much that i shared that bond with her..i dont think we'll ever understand why our moms got cancer and had to die...i know i dont..all we can do is try to be strong for them...i hope in time it gets a little less painful..we just need to pray and try to stay strong..

Balentine's picture
Balentine
Posts: 393
Joined: Feb 2010

When I read KathiM's post all I can say is it showed a strength unmatched. It is amazing how adversity can make you so much stronger. They say that what does not kill you makes you stronger. However, like Granny, I too tend to be a melancholy spirit that stays in that circle for far too long that you talked about. Adversity only makes you stronger if you take the stance that you are determined for it to make you BETTER and not BITTER. Personality has alot to do with what we all do with our baggage that we carry through life. Those of us that live in the more negative mode most of the time HAVE to pick ourselves up by the back of our necks and continue moving on toward the life God had predestined for us to live. He does not want us to stay in depressed mode...His will is for us to get on with the next thing. A good biblical story for this was when Jesus was praying in the garden of Gethsemene and asked his disciples to pray. He came back several times to find them sleeping and finally the 3rd time He came back and just said..."Rise, let us be going." In essence He continually tells us that when we fall and fail to do His will in various circumstances, that He encourages to rise...to get back up....to go on to the next test and forget the failures of the past tests until we finally overcome and learn to deal with adversity in a healthy way. It is WHAT we do to deal with life's bitter moments that matter and that can lead us to a better way to live instead of a bitter way that He never intended us to have. John 16:31....Jesus answered them, do you now believe? Indeed the hour is coming, yes, has now come, that you will be scattered, each to his own and will leave me alone. And yet I am not alone because the Father is with Me. THESE THINGS I HAVE SPOKEN TO YOU THAT IN ME YOU MAY HAVE PEACE. IN THE WORLD YOU WILL HAVE TRIBULATION BUT BE OF GOOD CHEER, I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD.....Love and Hugs,
Lorrie

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