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The one month date

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

I am so vastly confused with this whole grieving process...I was going along quite well all things considered....doing what needed to be done and for the most part feeling that I had a good grip on things.
Well fast forward to yesterday...the one month anniversary of Bill's death and it rocked me to my core...immense sadness...crying....feeling the loss as if it just occured...actually worse.....I cannot seem to shake it..even today I am in a fog...
I just don't understand....I promised Bill that I would be ok...and now slipping back into this black hole I feel that I am not keeping that promise.
I have to believe that this is just another bump in the road..but man...its brutal.
I am trying to stop leaning so much on my support system..feeling that in the end peace needs to come from within me.
I think I made the mistake of misreading myself....thinking that I was in better shape than I really am....when our wedding anniversary was approaching I made plans to not be alone...and that day went well....but for some reason the month anniversary of his death..didn't warrant the same planning...or so I thought...and being alone yesterday was horrible and now I am wrapped up in grief.
Another thing that has me reeling now is that the bulbs that Bill planted last season are now blooming and knowing how much he loved flowers...the fact that he cannot see them is breaking my heart...I know that is a silly thing...but to me its big.
When will it be better? and why was I so stupid as to think that I was so in control of things....this is all making no sense to me.
I need to honor him by overcoming this...its what he wanted....I pray that I can do it.
Pat

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

One month really is a very short time. I don't know why those month days hit so hard. Three months was a particularly tough day for me. This week it was seven months and even though I planned a busy day, I still mourned Doug's loss more than just another day. I had one friend tell me she cried daily for a month at three months. I had another lady tell me the 20th year anniversary of her husband's death hit her hard. So I guess we just don't know. I think we have to accept that some days will be harder than others especially in these early days. You will notice that I still consider myself in the early days. Our husbands knew we loved them and that we would grieve. I think as long as we are trying to put our lives together and moving forward one step at a time, they are proud of us. Yes, we need to honor their memories by doing the best we can, but they knew that that would be hard. My husband often told me that my job to continue living was harder than dying. We can do it, though. It is ok for us to slip back now and then. I spent three days eating nothing but potato chips and jelly beans at about the third month. I finally snapped out of it, and so will you. Just hang in there. Fay

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Thank-you Fay....all of what you said makes perfect sense....now I just need to wrap my head around it.
I have always been a person who liked quick fixes...this is not going to be the case with this....this is going to take work.
I need to be vigilant and watch out for the pit falls...
I just really want to show myself that I am the woman that Bill knew me to be...it was just easier to be that woman with him here...I was safe and secure....now I am sort of flying without a net and its scary...
Pat

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

I think Fay said it good when she said we would have those days. I seemed to do pretty good the 2 and third month but on the 4 month I just lost it. I know we need to be strong but as you both know sometimes it is so very hard. My kids are still having a bad time with the loss of their dad and my youngest is having the worst. It is hard enough dealing with my own loss yet having to be strong for them. My daughter is still not eating and has lost 17 pounds in the past month in a half. The hospice workers say this can happen with kids and we just have to work through it. I feel guilty because the past couple of weeks I have had no patience for her. I find myself yelling at her daily and I know she doesn't need that but I can't seem to help it when she pushes and pushes me for things and doesn't listen when I ask her to do something. I guess we all have a little different issues but one main issue is we lost our loves and am just treading water at times to get through. I know we all will it will just take time. Take care Pat and Fay. Haley

ruthelizabeth
Posts: 146
Joined: May 2009

With all the struggle with the youngest and having to be so careful in so many ways (physical safety, watching what I do that might be misinterpretted deliberately at the hearing, etc.) and all the paperwork, I am being caught unawares when I miss Don. That sounds weird because I do miss him, but the other stuff sort of fogs the whole situation. Then I see something I want to tell him about or something happens and I know how he'd laugh and it all hits.

I too told Don I could take care of myself. SOmetimes I can. I am making disciplined efforts to schedule fun things into my life. ON good days I tell myself stoutly that I'm going to make a nice new life and he'll be proud of me. ON bad days I curl up in a chair and hope he understands.

If you can find a book called "One's Company" by Barbara Holland, you might read it. It's short and covers living alone, for whatever reason, in a very sensible, encouraging way. Makes you feel that you can cope, even if what you're doing seems odd.

Ruth Elizabeth
Don's forever wife.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I think you're right. Those times when we want to share something are really hard. Those seem to hit me the hardest anyway. Fay

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Pat
Glad to see you posting. Yes the dreaded one month mark. It has been 2 months for us. It is all normal to be feeling this way. We will all have good days and bad days and that is alright. I am going to look for that book, "One's Company" for my mom. Sounds like a good one!
And the flowers are starting to bloom! Wonderful. Look at it this way....Bill has made them bloom, and he is looking down at them right now and seeing how beautiful they are! My mom has many many flowers planted, and the day after dad passed, her flowers called "remembrance" popped up. Dad made them pop up so we would remember him. That was his way of showing us he was ok. I truely believe this, and I hope you do to. You will overcome this, we all will, but it will take time....at least 18 months or more. Please keep in touch. My ears are always open and my shoulder is always here for you to rest your head. Peace be with you.
Tina

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

I truly appreciate all of the kind thoughtful input on my issue...yes its been tough for sure...actually tougher than I had thought....I really thought I had a good handle on the grieving...as I started to grieve about two months before the diagnosis...I knew what it was....he knew what it was and we both knew it was bad...so I had about 3 months of grieving under my belt when the day came...but I am guessing that I shortchanged myself...
The one month mark was brutal...
I had been going to a berevement group...but last week got to thinking that I had nothing in common with most of the group members...their loss's being months/years longer than mine...so I didn't go last week and now I see this as a mistake...and I did return today and got alot out of the meeting.
I have also started a trial of anti-depressants....back when Bill was first DX'ed our PCP gave me a sample script...about a months supply...telling me that I was going to need something down the road....I balked at the idea....and for sure didn't want to be zoned out while caring for Bill.
Well I dug those buggers out and I will finish the months suuply...If I feel better for having taken them I will follow-up with the doctor to continue.
Also on my short list is to start looking for some sort of job...nothing big...few days a week....just to be out and about...this is another conversation that Bill and I had....he was worried about me becoming a "crazy cat lady"...AKA recluse...so I need to get going on that to..my problem there is nursing is all I have ever done and all I know...yet I don't really want to do that at the moment for obvious reasons...so I am sort of stuck!
So I will continue to push on....tend to the garden...go to my Sunday service....just be content as he would have wanted.
Thanks Again:
Pat

Menaff
Posts: 9
Joined: Dec 2009

This has to be the worst nightmare. Jon passed away on April 21, and it might as well have been yesterday or last year. I miss him so much. We have never been apart for this long. We would have been married 28 yrs. in Aug. and I thought we would have at least 20 more years. Thank God we knew the end was coming and not just happen over night. But there is so much I would like to say to him or tell him. For a while I thought he was still here with me but now I don't feel that. The pain is enormous and the loss is unexplainable. We were able to spend the last three years together and re-coup what had brought us together. We were friends first. Thru the good times and bad we managed to work thru it. Now there is no way to work thru it. It's a matter of living thru it. Who wants to live when there 'better-half' is taken from them? We watched birds, deer, and all other kinds of wild-life. We fished together, attempted to play golf together, which he was much better than me!! Cooked, raised kids and grandkids, and tried to have a life without constantly being parents!!! Please God take this pain from my heart and give me a reason to live without my partner.
I have read your posts and agree with you all. I just need to talk thru this and continue to grieve. We made a memorial video for our service and I watch it almost daily as it makes me feel closer to him

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Hang in there. We can do this. Doug and I were married for 42 years. We both retired in 2000, and pretty much spent most of our time together. For the last 6 years, he fought colon cancer. That brought us even closer together. It is hard to live without him, but I don't have any choice. My children are very supportive and I belong to a wonderful community of faith. That really helps. Time does make things a little easier, but grieving takes time. I know I will never stop missing Doug. He is a part of me and always will be. I wouldn't want it any other way. As one friend told me, it would be really sad if we lost our other half and didn't feel sad. Take care, Fay

Menaff
Posts: 9
Joined: Dec 2009

I'm trying to and I have kids and grandkids in and out everyday, but it isn't the same
without 'Poppy' being here. We were able to spend the last 3 years together which I am so thankful for. My Dad died a few weeks before his 62 birthday and I used that rule of thumb when I quit work to be with my husband. I wanted to spend time with him not knowing that I could be looking at the same time frame. I think I had a premonition, because we bought a camper and camped for almost a year at different parks and became close friends again. We did everything together. Anyway he had turned 63 in January and passed away in April. I guess I will go to a bereavement class today. They were a little late getting info to me as I have needed help for awhile now. I need some of those meds to help me cope without breaking down everyday and crying for what will never be again. Thank you very much for your support. It is nice to have someone that is living this nightmare to exchange thoughts with.
Have a good day and will try to do the same.
Marie

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Marie
Nice to meet you. I am sure you have read my posts too. I lost my dad to ec this past March. It has been very hard, but I know he is in a much better place now with no pain, no suffering, no pain meds, no questions, no poking, no prodding. I believe and know that I will see him again, and we will all spend eternity together. Jesus made us that promise, and we must believe it. I have to keep my strong faith, that is what has helped me get through this rough journey. I also take and anti depressant, anti anxiety med. It is very helpful to keep me focused and easy going. I just seem to go with the flow, and things go just fine. It is great that you are going to a support group. I have this as my support group for now. I come to the discussion boards daily, it helps me to help others. We are all in this together, so lets keep in touch, and we will get through it. Peace be with you.
Tina

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi Marie
So sorry for your loss, I lost my husband on April 6, of pancreatic cancer, after a 3 week diagnosis, and then he was gone, he was a healthy happy young 60, we were together since we were 16, so I really do not know life without him, it is very strange, I feel like I am in a dream. This is a good place to come and let your feelings out, it does help.
Take care
Karen

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Marie, I am in the same boat as you. It has been almost 5 months and I especially today for some reason can't seem to pull it together. I have been so down and seem to cry at the drop of the hat. My kids are here but they are having problems dealing with the absense of their dad. My 10 year old hasn't eaten anything except for soup for two months. My husband had esophegeal cancer and 10 months after he was first told he had that. Now my daughter Montanna thinks she caught the same thing that took her dad. The hospice counselors have been working with her for three months and I am finally getting her into see a psychologist this wednesday. We keep telling her she can't catch cancer but her little 10 year old brain won't allow her to think that. Yesterday one of her Italian Greyhound puppies I bought for her to sleep and cuddle with jumped off the bed and broke his leg. I rushed him to the vet and the whole way there Montanna was crying and saying it was her fault cause if she was feeling better we wouldn't have had to get her these puppies and if dad didn't die we would still be happy. Wow what a tramatic day for the puppy, me and Montanna. It has been so hard for me just dealing with the day to day dragging myself up and then dealing with the kids especially Montanna. She breaks my heart and I feel so horrible for her. I also have been attending the bereavement classes or grief share classes. I think they have helped me but I don't like to cry in front of people so I don't talk much cause that is the last thing I want to do is break down in front of everyone. I know we can all get through this but it right now seems so hard. As you can see there is a lot of us going through the same things. I keep telling myself to keep getting up in the morning and pray things are going to get easier. I know it takes time so we all have to be there for each other and remember the good times we had with our best friends and husbands. Memories and pictures for me are what keeps me going.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I hope today is a better day. I find that the things I could take in stride before I lost Doug can really throw me now. I had kind of a flashback yesterday when I remembered that he had had his first symptoms of cancer over Memorial day weekend. He ended up in the hospital but even with all the tests, they missed it. He wasn't diagnosed until August. I was having lunch with friends after church. I was talking about something else when it hit me. Luckily, they were good friends and I was able to share it with them. How strange our minds work! I held it together at lunch but cried a little as I wrote it in my journal.

I am really sorry that your daughter is having such a struggle. I hope the psychologist can help. Have you tried having her write in a journal? Sometimes that helps. But then, I am sure you have tried everything you can think of. Hopefully time will lessen her pain. She probably thinks that she is not supposed to have fun now. I know that losing her father has changed her life. It makes it extra hard on you. Fay

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Yes Fay, I had a little better day today. Thanks you always seem to know what to say to make me feel a little better. I guess I was just kind of feeling sorry for myself. I did get Montanna a journal so hopefully she can start writing in it to put her feelings to words. Everyone around us like our family and friends are really worried about her not eating and having her bad dreams. I am worried so much for her and you are right I sometimes can't seem to hold things together watching my kids having such a hard time with loosing their dad. We went over to our friends house this evening. They took Montanna for the night cause she wanted to be with my husbands best friend and his wife. They had a BBQ tonight and invited us. This was the first time we all went over as a family without my husband. Man was it hard especially for my husbands best friend and wife. I was showing her my new car and the new stereo has a place to put pictures on a jump drive and down load them so you can look at them in the car. The wife took one look at my husbands picture and ran out crying and saying she couldn't handle looking at them. I guess I felt I have to deal Sonny's death everyday and looking at his pictures makes me feel good and safe. Others only have to deal with his death once in a while especially when we come around. How weird. Had to take the puppy to the vet for surgery tomorrow. Thanks again for the words of encouragement. That was good you have people you can feel comfortable talking about Bill with. We all have to go on even though our guys aren't with us. I know for each of us they are in our hearts!!! Thanks for everything. Haley

anthonya
Posts: 11
Joined: Jun 2010

there can be none. And it is not fair to you.

Grief is sort of like a recognition of the bond you shared between you and your lost love. It is real and something we have to experience. I hate feeling how I do but I know it's my minds way of dealing with the loss.

Please be patient with yourself. Take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I am trying to do the same. You are not alone.

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi everyone
I don't know what is happening now, it is 2 months since Johnny passed, and the past few days, I am feeling very angry, don't want to be bothered with anyone, and have no patience for anything, what is this? I don't like feeling like this, it scares me. I don't want to become a miserable person, I miss him so much, I don;t care about anything else, my insides feel like a pretzel, where do we go from here, I am trying to take care of myself, back to work, forced myself to eat, going to group counseling, now what? I don't know what is going to happen next, how do we change our whole life, and become one instead of two, how do we do it? I don't know if I can, it is so hard. Everyone says how strong they think I am, but they don't know how my insides are.
Take Care
Karen

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Karen,
First let me tell you I hear you. I think people think if we are not crying when they see us we are being so strong. Well I don't know about you but for me I won't cry in front of anyone and I work very hard for people not to see that part of me. I know we have to force our self out of bed and out of the house. I think of the song by rasqual flates called stand. That each time we try and do just a little bit we are putting our life back together piece by piece. No one said this would be easy and we all know it is so hard most of the time it hurts. I am told in my grief support group that I have to not be afraid to take chances. Maybe just gettting out of the house at times is a chance we are taking. Too bad we don't live closier because I think we could help more if we were. Keep your chin up. Haley

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Haley
everything you said is exactly right on. Everyone always says oh you are doing so good, you are stronger than you think, I am so proud of you, are they crazy, do they know what they are saying. I don't know what they are thinking, just because I am not falling apart in front of them they think I am strong, my insides are twisted, they are better off not saying anything
Take care
Karen

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I am told that anger is a part of the grief process. Gee, doesn't that make you feel better, not! I haven't had a lot of it, but it does come now and then. I just find that I overreact to a lot of the little things. That's when I hear Doug saying, "let it go dear; just let it go," in my head. That helps me. He rarely got angry. In fact, I used to get mad at him sometimes for not being angry. How stupid was that?!I am still struggling with my single state. I am sure I will for a long time. As I think I have said before, I have the advantage of knowing many widows. It is reassuring to have them tell me that they also went through many of the same things I have. It doesn't make it easier, but it does make me feel a bit normal, whatever that is. Many of them have been widows for many years, some for a short time. They all say that there will continue to be bad days for quite a while.

I am currently getting ready for a family cruise. All 9 of us, my sons, daughters-in-law, granddaughters and I are going to cruise around the Hawaiian Islands. We are all looking forward to it. I think it will be good. One of the nice things is that everyone in the family is comfortable talking about Doug. We all share our good memories. He would have loved this trip. It makes me sad that he won't be there in person, but I know he will be there in spirit. He really loved his family and adored his granddaughters. For awhile, I will not be alone which will be nice. I am finding ways forward. I have another trip planned in July in our motor home with three friends and our two older granddaughters. I was just elected moderator for our church. Our older son has invited me to join his family next summer for a trip to Europe. I am also.considering some volunteer things. So I am filling up my time. One step at a time, one day at a time, one hour at a time. We can do this, gals. Just hang in there. That's all we can do. Fay

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi Fay
I think it is great that you are going on a cruise with your family, that will be helpful I am sure, and he will be with you in spirit, as Johnny is with me all the time. Keeping your mind very busy is so important, and being with your grandchildren is the best, when I am with my grandchildren, I can smile, they are so sweet and innocent. I hope that you have a good time on your cruise, you are pushing forward, and it is good that you have friends who have been through this so that you can ask them about your feelings, I don't have that, I am the only one that has lost her husband out of our friends, so I have to seek out people who have gone through this for support.
God Bless
Karen

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Karen I think you said you are going to grief counseling. Is there anyone in there that you could talk with outside the class? I found I clicked with one person in our grief suppport group and we went to lunch today and talked for 4 hours. Man did that help. I didn't have to explain why I was the feeling the way I was because she already knew. We both talked about our husbands and shared things I know I would tell my friends that still have their spouses. It was better than I ever thought and look forward to visiting again with her. I have started to think of things I have wanted to do for a long time and found I have a couple of things I would like to do again like racquet ball. I loved playing this years ago and want to get back into that. I also want to go back to showing dogs more this year so I am trying to work on that also. Like Grandmafaye I think said " one step at a time." Haley

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Faye,
Family cruise sounds like fun. I think one of these days I will try that but I will have to wait due to work. We took Montanna my 10 year old out of school yesterday and the whole family went to Knottsberry farm for the day. We all I think had a great time but Montanna tired us out. She had a ball and slept the whole way home. It was kind of sad off and on for me because Sonny wasn't with us but we made the best and talked about him the whole day. The kids really miss him and I think talking about him like we did helped everyone!! Not a cruise but the whole day was family day and we did it and even had a good time. I hear you Fay when you said " we can do this." I will hang in there and thanks for the encouragement. Haley

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi Haley
I am happy to hear that Montanna had a good time and tuckered you all out, that is a good thing. I was going to grief counseling, but every time I found one there was a reason it wasen't for me. There is one that I will go back to, it is next Thurs. and it is once a month, but there are some people there that I felt a connection with. It is great that you found someone to talk to., I am anticipating Johnny's bithday on Sunday the 13th, and it is making me very anxious, I will be with my family, but I hope that I don't upset my grandchildren, I don't want to do that. I miss him so much today, I know that his birthday coming is making it all worse, I am feeling very bad today, even though I worked today, it didn't help. I pray for peace for all of us.
God Bless
Karen

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Karen, I was in the same boat in March when Sonny's birthday came around. I made up my mind to do something different and I ended up going flying for a couple of hours in the morning. It was great. For that couple of hours I could say I had a great time. I knew that day would be hard so I tried to keep myself busy and it helped. Night time was and is still horrible for me but I keep trying to tell myself Sonny would not want me to be this sad and depressed. This kind of helps get me through another night. Take care. Haley

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi Haley
thanks for the support, I just want the day to be over, last year we celebrated his 60th birthday and had a great time with family and a special celebration, what a difference this year, unbelieveable,
Take Care,
Karen

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Karen I hope you survived this day. I kind of wished this day to be over also. This is today 5 months to the day my husband passed away. Man is doesn't seem possible that it has been that long. It to me seems at times like yesterday. Last year we celebrated my husbands 72 birthday and had a huge party. I am glad we did that because we knew he was going to have surgery and knew it would be hard for him we just didn't know he would be gone so quick. We all are dealing with lots of the same things and just knowing I can read and vent a little helps just a little. Take care and keep your chin up. Haley

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi Haley
Well we did get through today, it certainly wasen't easy, we were all at my son;s house and he made Johnnys favorite dinner, ravioli,stuffed artichokes, and good italian bread, we bought some helium balloons and the kids attached notes to them and we let them go, the kids watched in awe, as the balloons went up to grandpa in heaven, very tough today, then my daughter in law made a cake and the kids sang happy birthday and blew the candles out, very hard, I missed him so much today, my insides feel like a pretzel, I hope I feel better tomorrow, I am also happy last year we had a celebration with the family for Johnny;s 60th birthday, so happy we did that. This road ahead is very scary without them, I hope that we can do it.
Take care
Karen

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Isn't time with family great. I am actually, in my stateroom near Kona. We spent the whole day on the beach and everyone is pretty worn out. However, we have dinner at 5:30, and I have no doubt the kids will find their second wind. They have really been enjoying the kid's club. Last night they had cookies with the captain. Hawaii is beautiful. I do miss Doug, but we think and talk about him often. We have gotten some great family pictures, too. I know he would have loved this trip. He and I came to Hawaii for a few days after his third reoccurrence. We actually got three more years after that. Amazing! I am glad to hear that Montana enjoyed her day at Knotts Berry Farm. Take care everyone, Fay

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi Fay,
So glad to hear that you are having a good time with your family in Hawaii, it must be beautiful, the grandkids just make you smile no matter how sad you are. I hope you enjoy the rest of your trip, I am sure Doug is with you every minute.
Take care and enjoy
Karen

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Fay,
Good to hear you are having fun. That is what we all need to do. I know we miss our loves and best friends and will always do that but it is important for us to go on and even have fun at times. I am so glad to hear the family is having a good time. I know for me it is good to think of the good times and hold on to that. Have fun. Haley

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