I am so vastly confused with this whole grieving process...I was going along quite well all things considered....doing what needed to be done and for the most part feeling that I had a good grip on things.
Well fast forward to yesterday...the one month anniversary of Bill's death and it rocked me to my core...immense sadness...crying....feeling the loss as if it just occured...actually worse.....I cannot seem to shake it..even today I am in a fog...
I just don't understand....I promised Bill that I would be ok...and now slipping back into this black hole I feel that I am not keeping that promise.
I have to believe that this is just another bump in the road..but man...its brutal.
I am trying to stop leaning so much on my support system..feeling that in the end peace needs to come from within me.
I think I made the mistake of misreading myself....thinking that I was in better shape than I really am....when our wedding anniversary was approaching I made plans to not be alone...and that day went well....but for some reason the month anniversary of his death..didn't warrant the same planning...or so I thought...and being alone yesterday was horrible and now I am wrapped up in grief.
Another thing that has me reeling now is that the bulbs that Bill planted last season are now blooming and knowing how much he loved flowers...the fact that he cannot see them is breaking my heart...I know that is a silly thing...but to me its big.
When will it be better? and why was I so stupid as to think that I was so in control of things....this is all making no sense to me.
I need to honor him by overcoming this...its what he wanted....I pray that I can do it.