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Mother's Day without my best friend

admm
Posts: 4
Joined: May 2010

For several days now I have been dreading Mother's Day. This Mother's Day was to be very special for my husband and I because on October 2, 2009 we gave birth to a healthy beautiful baby boy, after having three prior miscarriages. Shortly after Dakotas birth Donald began to complain about shortness of breath. He was an avid raquetball player and wanted this issue resolved quickly. Initially it was thought to be pneumonia however the cxr showed fluid on his right lung. He was admitted to the hospital for a tap. After the tap a CT and MRI was done and masses were seen on his RLL, diaphram, margin of the liver and brain. Dec 10, 2009 he was dx'd with stage4 non small cell lung cancer. We could not believe it. He had no prior symptoms, and had quit smoking over 30yrs ago. I was in shock, he was the healthiest man I knew. He had hypertension that was well managed with little medication, diet and excercise. I'm still in shock. But if anyone could beat cancer, Donald could and would.

However, on March 2, 2010 after a short but fierce battle with lung cancer may husband passed away at the age of 52. The life I knew is no more and will never be the same, my heart is completely broken, my days are filled with sadness and tears. I also have a 14yrs old daughter who he loved as his own. If it wasn't for my kids I would not get out the bed each day. I never wanted to be a single mother again. I didn't rush to marry. I wanted it to last so I waited and God sent me a man that adored me, so why would he take him away and why did it happen so fast. I read entries of survivors and i wonder why that could not be Donald, that should be Donald's testimony.

sincerely
admm

dixiechikken
Posts: 4
Joined: Apr 2010

I just lost my husband at 52, too - and I'm feeling the same things. I have to get up and go to work this morning - I'm a minister - which means I'm supposed to be encouraging and building up other people's faith even though mine is really shaken right now.

I miss him so much.

It must be very hard for you to have a teenager and a baby - they take so much care and attention. Our kids just left the house for college this year - the house is very empty and lonely.

This is a very hard, lonely road to walk. I will be thinking of you this morning.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1617
Joined: Aug 2009

I wanted to respond directly to you, but I also wanted to give it some thoughts. I have been involved with our church leadership including the pastoral relations board and the search committee that recommended our current pastor to our membership. I don't know if that gives me insight into your situation or not. Our denomination accepts and even encourages questioning from both our members and our pastors. We fell that each of us is on a personal journey. As others on this board did, I started my Mothers' Day at church. Our pastor told a story, I don't remember who he credited it to, about a church leader comparing our lives to rules of checkers. How we can only make one move at a time, moving forward. How we suffer some loses on the way, but our goal is the same. We aim for the King's row. I don't know if that hits a chord with you or not, but it gave me a little more strength. I don't think most parishioners expect their ministers to be more than human. They know you are hurting. Some may have even experienced the questioning of faith that is a part of grieving. I hope there is someone you can talk with. I know our denomination has help for pastors that is both confidential and expressly for pastors who need some emotional support. I once had a pastor tell me that it was alright to be mad at God, that that was a strong affirmation of my faith. You can't be mad at something that doesn't exist. I am sure there are many who are praying for you and I will add my voice to that. Please, don't try to be too strong. Reach out for help. Grieving is hard work. We each do it in our own way and time, but we have to do it. That is not a loss of faith; it is the loss of a loved one. Remember why you were called to be a minister. Try to find peace. Just remember that you are human and don't walk on water. It is ok to be mad, sad, and questioning. You are a child of God. We are all just trying to find our way. Your struggle now may someday become an inspiring and amazing sermon or just a quiet affirmation for someone who comes to you in grief seeking understanding. Fay

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

I know today is hard for you as it is for me. I can say without a doubt I know how you feel. I too am a single mother after 25 years with the love of my life. I am 46 and what is still so very hard to say a widow as of Jan 12 of this year. I have 4 kids the oldest being 21 and the youngest being 10. One of the only things that truely being confort to me is having the memories of my husband and what a special time we had those 25 years. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your husband having a little guy so young to raise. As you can see reading these notes you are not alone. I think for me this gives me a little comfort knowing others are going through the same things I am. I can also tell you we are all here for you and if nothing else can encourage you to as you said go on for your kids and also for you. It has been 4 months since I lost my best friend and still I find it hard to breath at times but for the kids I get up each morning and go to work and come home and try to give them some quality time with me what ever that might be. I will keep you in my prayers and remember we are here. Take care Haley

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1617
Joined: Aug 2009

These special days seem to bring special hurts. I was very blessed to have two Mothers' Days. Our older son and family were here yesterday. The younger son and family were here today. Still, I felt a little empty. I missed him. As most others on this board know, I lost my husband of 42 years in Oct. of last year. He always gave me flowers on Mothers' Day. He was the first person to ever give me flowers. I have to believe there is a reason for his loss. Doug had a very strong faith. He fought his cancer for six years, buying as much time as he could. Yet he never asked why me. His greatest worry was leaving me. He believed that he was going home. I believe that, too. My faith helps me through each day. When our children were growing up I used to tell them on occasion that life wasn't fair. As we get older we better understand that. Doug was the love of my life. I was so blessed to have him in my life for so long. Yet, it hurts. Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays, and so on. We are the survivors. We will find the strength to move forward for the others in our life - the children, grandchildren, mothers, brothers, sisters. Mothers really are special. Take care of yourself and your family. Happy Mothers' Day to all the Mothers out there, especially those who are grieving. Fay

admm
Posts: 4
Joined: May 2010

I hesitated to open the site today because i didnt want it to be no replies. I do want to talk to others that really understand what I'm feeling. So first let me say THANK YOU. My faith is shaken, special days bring special hurts, and no more flowers from Donald. Even though my faith too is shaken, "why didnt God show us favor", I started my morning at church asking God for grace, strength and mercy. My children, family and friends like you made Mother's Day manageable. I received several beautiful cards but two were extra special, J gave me a card from her and one from Koty. I could not hold back the tears. I got two roses, all mothers were given a rose at church and I received another at dinner, but it just was not the same. I found it hard to look at couples, because I didnt want my hurt to show. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement and prayers. I too will keep you in prayer.

Thank you again

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

We were just talking about that in this grief support class I was invited to this evening. I feel the same way. A couple weeks after my husband passed away I couldn't even watch my teenage son and his girlfriend without becomeing sick in my stomach. I was so sad and watching some other couples hold hands and kiss made me feel sad and mad at the same time. I am still feeling a little of the sad and mad when I am in public but I think just being out might make it easier and easier it will just take sometime. Special days are going to be hard for a long time but the more we do the firsts the more we start the healing process. I have been told that we have to make up our mind we are going to take control of our grieving and by doing that we can move ahead. Just don't ask me how to do that yet I am still at the fog stage most of the time. Keep strong. Haley

admm
Posts: 4
Joined: May 2010

Since Donalds death it has been difficult to focus, to concentrate and recall information and this really frustrates me. It takes forever to do things I did before in seconds. I search for words of encouragement, scriptures, quotes ect., but i just cant find them. Im told that this is related to depression. Two days ago I learned that the best man at our wedding died, and the only thing I could say to his wife was "I'm so sorry" and just cry with her. I too would like to go to a grief support class, but i dont know how i would do. I cant speak of Donald without crying. I recently read that grief is the last act of love you can give to those who have died, its the final way you can say "I care about you." I pray that God continues to give us strength, bless us with grace, mercy and peace

sincerely

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

I agree it is still hard for me to focus during the day at home or at work. I go to say something and can't seem to find the words to say. I think the support group for grief would be very good for you. I learned on monday that we as surviving spouses have to learn how to take risks now and do the things that we are uncomfortable with. Of course this sounds easier that I am sure it is it is something I am going to try. I didn't think I would like the grief support group cause I hate to cry in front of people. I was told I didn't have to talk so I kind of watched the others for the first half and then I found myself talking a little bit. I did feel better knowing these people in this group knew what I was going through which really did help. Try it I think if you find the right one it would really help. Haley

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1561
Joined: Nov 2009

I would first like to express my heartfelt sympathies to you on your recent loss. I, too, have lost my father to ec with mets to the liver on March 9, 2010. While reading all of the posts, I think of my mom. She has lost her husband after 51 years of marriage. She was married at 15, and this was the only man she knew and was with. Imagine that? Wow. She is experiencing all of the feelings that you are. The nights are the hardest. She is lonely. The house is too quiet. She has decided to wait a year before she makes any drastic changes. She loves her house, her garden, her many many flowers. I am proud of her. She has done very well, even though she does not think so. If the time comes when she no longer wants to be in her house, she can move in with us. As for me, I have a very strong faith. This faith has helped me through this entire journey. I pray everyday that my dad is doing well. I so do look forward to the resurrection and to seeing him again. Remember, Jesus made us that promise, "For those of you who believe in me shall live forever more in eternity." You have to believe in this. I miss my dad tremendously, I think of him daily, but I have to make my life go on for myself, my husband, and our family. I agree if you can find a good support group that it would be very beneficial. Hope this helps to let you know that we are all in this together. Keep in touch. I look forward to hearing from all of you! Peace.
Tina

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1617
Joined: Aug 2009

I agree that we need to learn to move beyond our comfort zone. I even did some of that when Doug was ill, more out of necessity than anything else. We really don't have a lot of choice if we want to move forward. Also, the fog of grief is real. I still find myself spinning my wheels more tthen ever before. Sometimes my thinking is still really fractured. Of course we're depressed. As one friend said wouldn't it be sad if we weren't? Right now, I am working at getting a little more structure in my life. Since I am retired and have spent the last six years living much of my life around caregiving, I don't really have that now. I need to remember to eat at somewhat regular times and get more of a routine. I do try to get out with friends regularly, and I am still doing vintage paper shows with my son. We have one in San Francisco this weekend which will be nice. Starting in July I will be moderator for our church. That will require me to attend a lot of meetings. So I am working on it. One step forward at a time. Surviving is challenging. I guess we just need to embrace the challenge and like you say do things we might find uncomfortable at least at first. Fay

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi everyone,
I agree that the fog is very real, we all have it, the confusion, can't focus, forgetting, I still am having trouble with trying to think of memories of me and John, I find that I can not go there yet in my head, for some reason my mind won't let me. And yes we are all depressed, sad, angry, and everything else that you can think of. People tell me that the fog is some sort of protection for our mind, I don't really know what it is, but I have it. I have also done things that only Johnny would do, and surprise myself that I can do it. I always ask him, how do i do this, or where is this tool, and I always seem to find it, I know he is helping me. The only thing I have to really get myself doing, is driving again. I depended on Johnny for years, and he just did all the driving, because he was retired and just always took me where ever, so I haven't driven in years, but my son pushed me the other day and I was O K , a little nervous, I just have to get my confidence back, I really have to push myself to do this, It is important for me to drive. So Grandmafay, I am going to embrace the challenge and do it. I am trying so hard to be strong.
Hugs Karen

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Good Karen,
It is great to hear you are starting to drive again. I went to a grieve support group this week and several times I hear that we need to take risks and that is just what you did. Keep it up!!!!!! Haley

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