Best way to support my Wife?
My question is, What is the best way to support her thru this. Any examples are greatly appreciated. Thanks Scott
Comments
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Be her rock
Scott the best way to support your wife is to be there for her. My husband helped me by listening, going to all appointments, holding me up when I was too sick to walk. Even something as simple as buying me ice cream meant the world. Use the love that you have for her to show her that you are and always will be in her corner. Remember to tell her she is not alone eventhough she may feel that way. Also remember we are always here to talk to you through. Karen0 -
You are already supporting your wifeAngelBaby said:Be her rock
Scott the best way to support your wife is to be there for her. My husband helped me by listening, going to all appointments, holding me up when I was too sick to walk. Even something as simple as buying me ice cream meant the world. Use the love that you have for her to show her that you are and always will be in her corner. Remember to tell her she is not alone eventhough she may feel that way. Also remember we are always here to talk to you through. Karen
Scott,
I am so touched by your posting and wanting to support your wife. I have just been diagonised with BC and this is all new to me. But I think she may want: your love, your patience, understanding, be a good listener, the word "YES" is always good. Not sure how long you have been married, but whatever you did to make her happy in the beginning go there again. I understand that laughter is the best medicine. Best of luck to you and the mrs.
Laurel0 -
be there for her
What helped me the most was my husbands' "being there". He went to all of my appointments with me. He took notes during those appointments and made sure my questions were answered (as well as his). He told me to call him anytime I needed him and he would come to me. He made sure I didn't feel like an imposition and that he truely wanted to be there. Of course he held me, assured me he loved ME, not my breasts. It was about OUR battle with breast cancer, not just my battle. He kept assuring me "you are not alone"---and I believed (believe) him.
I think your reaching out to us shows how much you care and want to help. As men, you want to 'fix it' and you can't fix this one. It was/is hard for my husband as I am sure it is for you.
We're here to help both of you throughout this journey---just ask.
El0 -
You already have by reaching out to us who have gone thru thisms_independent said:be there for her
What helped me the most was my husbands' "being there". He went to all of my appointments with me. He took notes during those appointments and made sure my questions were answered (as well as his). He told me to call him anytime I needed him and he would come to me. He made sure I didn't feel like an imposition and that he truely wanted to be there. Of course he held me, assured me he loved ME, not my breasts. It was about OUR battle with breast cancer, not just my battle. He kept assuring me "you are not alone"---and I believed (believe) him.
I think your reaching out to us shows how much you care and want to help. As men, you want to 'fix it' and you can't fix this one. It was/is hard for my husband as I am sure it is for you.
We're here to help both of you throughout this journey---just ask.
El
Your love for your wife is wonderful, when i was told i had breast cancer my husband told me we are in this together and you will do her right by listening to her, supporting, her,and just being her rock for now. My hubby shaved his head when i knew i would lose my hair and he said now we can be bald together!!! I asked him if i had to lose a breast how he would feel, he said what do you need a breast for??? i will always love you with or without a breast. Whatever support we can give you here we will do. I just finished 33 radation treatments, had 4 chemo treatments that i finished in dec, lumpectomy in sept, and though the journey has been long just remember there is light at the end of the tunnel and i wish you and your wife all the very best and to you i say thank you for being the kind and loving loving husband you are. prayer and hugs for you and your wife.0 -
I agree
I agree with the other women. First, I am proud of you for wanting to support her enough to ask for help when you feel the need. Keep that up, you WILL need help! Second, the biggest help is to do whatever it takes to make her feel secure and supported. You are in it together. You will both be scared and overwhelmed. Talk about it. Ask her what she needs each day. Go with her to the Dr. whenever you can and help take notes. If friends ask what they can do, give them a list. They can cook a meal and bring it over, they can go shopping for you or come do laundry and clean house if you are both tired and overwhelmed. They can take her to the Dr. if you have to work. Mainly, just be there and love her in whatever way she likes to be loved. And....stay in touch with this site for the voice of experience.
Keep up the good work, seof0 -
Scott
You've already received some great advice here, but I also wanted to chime in to thank you for thinking to come here to ask. That already shows that you have what it takes to be a great support for your wife.
Although it's impossible for someone who hasn't gone through this themselves to understand fully, you can do a whole lot by just letting her express what she's going through and listening to her, as well as being her advocate for her medical care by talking to her doctors and listening and taking notes. Don't forget to take care of yourself so that you have the energy to help her.
One thing that surprised me as I've gone through this process is how long the whole thing takes. Know that this is a marathon, not a sprint, and your wife will not feel like herself for many months, even after her treatment is over.
Your wife is very lucky to have you by her side for this fight, and I'm sure you will be a great help for her in this battle. Feel free to post here as often as you like, and encourage your wife to do so as well.
Take care,
Cindy0 -
Scotty
As all these wonderful ladies have said, just posting here is so touching. What a wonderful husband you are. Please, please never downplay any of her fears. Listen, give her a hug, go to as many appointments as you can, take notes for her. She is a very lucky lady. Blessings to both of you . . .0 -
Your instincts are good...
Hi Scott,
My beloved Moopy was diagnosed 11/2008 with Stage IIIa "triple-negative" (what a STUPID term) BC. It was terrifying for me to watch my strong, assertive, beloved partner be transformed into a BC patient. I wanted, and still want, to do everything possible for her, and I hope I did. Most of it consisted of just plain being there and making sure she never forgot I fell in love with and married a beautiful and intelligent and charming *woman,* not a mere collection of female body parts.
The fact that you've discovered this site and asked your intelligent questions shows that you have very good instincts. You obviously love your wife dearly and are determined to help. The only general advice I can offer right now is to stop by often and touch base. Ask questions. Vent. Tell jokes or stories if you have them. This online community has been a Godsend to Moopy and me, and it can be for you too. And for your wife, if and when she is ready to join.
Good luck and God Bless,
Joe (Aortus)0 -
Joe and Scott, you two are
Joe and Scott, you two are amazing. I can't imagine what it would've been like to have my husband do as you two have done/are doing. A couple of amazing men who truly love their wives and that's what it's all about, love them, encourage them, hold them, and keep them.
Hugs
~Kari0 -
not sure what i can add topinkkari09 said:Joe and Scott, you two are
Joe and Scott, you two are amazing. I can't imagine what it would've been like to have my husband do as you two have done/are doing. A couple of amazing men who truly love their wives and that's what it's all about, love them, encourage them, hold them, and keep them.
Hugs
~Kari
not sure what i can add to what's already been said! lol
Just remember your wife will always be your wife, and not a cancer patient.
My husband and i got together when we were 15. Aged 17 i developed Hodgkins lymphoma. He stuck by me where other 17 yr olds would have run a mile! He held me and told me he loved me and in a world that seemed to just revolve around the word 'cancer' back then,he was a god send and my reason for living.
Let you and your daughter be her reason for living.
She may want to talk-so listen.
she may want to cry-so comfort her.
she may want to be alone at times-so just let her know you're there when she needs you.
There may be times when she feels so exhausted and frustrated that she'll take it out on you.But this is just the treatments talking and not the real her.
Kay0 -
So touchedAortus said:Your instincts are good...
Hi Scott,
My beloved Moopy was diagnosed 11/2008 with Stage IIIa "triple-negative" (what a STUPID term) BC. It was terrifying for me to watch my strong, assertive, beloved partner be transformed into a BC patient. I wanted, and still want, to do everything possible for her, and I hope I did. Most of it consisted of just plain being there and making sure she never forgot I fell in love with and married a beautiful and intelligent and charming *woman,* not a mere collection of female body parts.
The fact that you've discovered this site and asked your intelligent questions shows that you have very good instincts. You obviously love your wife dearly and are determined to help. The only general advice I can offer right now is to stop by often and touch base. Ask questions. Vent. Tell jokes or stories if you have them. This online community has been a Godsend to Moopy and me, and it can be for you too. And for your wife, if and when she is ready to join.
Good luck and God Bless,
Joe (Aortus)
Scott,
Your statement: making sure she never forgot I fell in love with and married a beautiful and intelligent and charming *woman,* not a mere collection of female body parts.
Touched me to my core....That, i think, is exactly what a woman needs/wants to know and hear. Even tho i don't know you, thank you for saying it...it was nice to hear even from someone i've never met...i hope to hear it from someone someday.
Jeanne0 -
I am in the same boat
My wife had her biopsy 4/15 and received the diagnoses 4/20. She has (excuse spelling errors) stage 1 ductal carcinoma T3 estrogen neg @ 10mm/1cm. She does have the option of a lumpectomy, but has decided to to go with the mastectomy. At this point we are not sure if she can have reconstruction at the sametime, should find that out soon.
I have been thru this with my mom when I was kid (7 - 14) in the early 70's and know what to expect to an extent, but am totally lost being the husband. Unfortunatly my father passed away so I do not have him to lean for advice.
She has already stated that she is afraid I will find her "repulsive" and "disgusting" with the loss of the breast and hair loss even though I have reassured or tried to that I didnt fall in love with her because she has boobs..."...its you I fell in love with....".
I am trying to reassure her, be as affectionate as she will let me, been to all appointments and will continue to do so, just lost as what to do or what to expect once all of the surgeries and treatments start and how to help my 2 kids (7 & 17) thru this.0 -
Sorry to hearGregStahl said:I am in the same boat
My wife had her biopsy 4/15 and received the diagnoses 4/20. She has (excuse spelling errors) stage 1 ductal carcinoma T3 estrogen neg @ 10mm/1cm. She does have the option of a lumpectomy, but has decided to to go with the mastectomy. At this point we are not sure if she can have reconstruction at the sametime, should find that out soon.
I have been thru this with my mom when I was kid (7 - 14) in the early 70's and know what to expect to an extent, but am totally lost being the husband. Unfortunatly my father passed away so I do not have him to lean for advice.
She has already stated that she is afraid I will find her "repulsive" and "disgusting" with the loss of the breast and hair loss even though I have reassured or tried to that I didnt fall in love with her because she has boobs..."...its you I fell in love with....".
I am trying to reassure her, be as affectionate as she will let me, been to all appointments and will continue to do so, just lost as what to do or what to expect once all of the surgeries and treatments start and how to help my 2 kids (7 & 17) thru this.
Sorry to hear you are “In the same boat”. I sent flowers to my wife at work today from my daughter Shayna (AKA Sybil, my wife’s nickname for her) and I plan to stop at Office Max and get a planner to hold the Doctor business cards and doctor notes. I grabbed the prescription for her colonoscopy laxative out of the box that we keep our mail in and several other pieces got pulled up. She quickly said “If you don’t push that stuff down, it will fall out” before I had a chance to push it back. I think the stress is getting to her. I bit my tongue and told her I love her. I think I am going to hear a lot more snappy comebacks before we get thru this.0 -
As one poster said earlierScottyR said:Sorry to hear
Sorry to hear you are “In the same boat”. I sent flowers to my wife at work today from my daughter Shayna (AKA Sybil, my wife’s nickname for her) and I plan to stop at Office Max and get a planner to hold the Doctor business cards and doctor notes. I grabbed the prescription for her colonoscopy laxative out of the box that we keep our mail in and several other pieces got pulled up. She quickly said “If you don’t push that stuff down, it will fall out” before I had a chance to push it back. I think the stress is getting to her. I bit my tongue and told her I love her. I think I am going to hear a lot more snappy comebacks before we get thru this.
The snapping is not her, its the stress, meds, cancer, etc. Also read on another post about hair loss (which my wife is afraid of)....as the hair goes, the cancer goes with it.0 -
You are the gatekeeperScottyR said:Sorry to hear
Sorry to hear you are “In the same boat”. I sent flowers to my wife at work today from my daughter Shayna (AKA Sybil, my wife’s nickname for her) and I plan to stop at Office Max and get a planner to hold the Doctor business cards and doctor notes. I grabbed the prescription for her colonoscopy laxative out of the box that we keep our mail in and several other pieces got pulled up. She quickly said “If you don’t push that stuff down, it will fall out” before I had a chance to push it back. I think the stress is getting to her. I bit my tongue and told her I love her. I think I am going to hear a lot more snappy comebacks before we get thru this.
Think of yourself as the traffic cop who smooths the flow in and around the city. The cop sees where there's a place for more cars and opens up those lanes. Another place is gummed up so he stops cars going there and sends them a different way. If a motorist shouts or gives him the finger he is magisterially indifferent, just does his job as well as he can so folks can move around the city he loves. You're him. You can soothe the terrible insecurities by showing her the way forward. I doubt many of us got by without meds for the anxiety, meds to sleep, meds for pain and nausea. Encourage her to know her need for what the meds provide is natural and, as my dr advised me when I balked, taking them will not turn her into a junkie, it will help her heal. In other words, see what she needs before she knows she needs it--you'll know! Then provide it the best you can. Involve your kids wherever you can, they want to help. Encourage your wife to keep a journal, even a few sentences. She can keep it private but must write honestly. It will help her on her way. Finally, pat yourself on the back. Take your girls (all 3 if she's up to it) for pedicures or other girly treats. The little ones need to know she's still important to you even when you're all taking care of mommy.
You've had great advice from my pink sisters, I can only wish my hubby had been well enough to take care of me the way you're supporting her. Be strong, keep looking at all your resources, you'll do fine. God bless you and your family.0 -
ALL YOU GUYS SEEM TO BEGregStahl said:As one poster said earlier
The snapping is not her, its the stress, meds, cancer, etc. Also read on another post about hair loss (which my wife is afraid of)....as the hair goes, the cancer goes with it.
ALL YOU GUYS SEEM TO BE DOING THE RIGHT THINGS TO ME
When you're told you have cancer,not only does it tear YOUR world apart,but you know it's going to tear your loved ones worlds apart too to am extent. You feel bad for having them watch you go through it.You feel useless cus there's not a damn thing you can do about it.It's beyond our control.
When you've got kids,the fears multiply.
Your wife may or may not say thanks out loud to you for the things you'll do for her in the months ahead-but know she will mean it from the bottom of her heart. Trying to survive the cancer and the treatments will be at the forefront of her mind.
After my surgery in Feb,my hubby was worth his weight in gold.
ok,things i really appreciated were....
He'd cook meals when i was unable to.
He constantly asked me if there was anything i needed and if i was ok (fair enough,this did get on my nerves a little at times!).
He did the cleaning as i was unable to.
He accompanied me to my hospital appointments and was my 2nd pair of ears!
He gave me a cuddle when i felt down
but most impotantly,he told me he loved me every day like he always does,and that even with my scars etc, i was still the one he wanted to grow old with.
Like you said before,just bite your tongue when things get too much and vent to a friend/family to let off steam. Or vent on here!
We're all here to help! 0 -
For the HusbandsScottyR said:Sorry to hear
Sorry to hear you are “In the same boat”. I sent flowers to my wife at work today from my daughter Shayna (AKA Sybil, my wife’s nickname for her) and I plan to stop at Office Max and get a planner to hold the Doctor business cards and doctor notes. I grabbed the prescription for her colonoscopy laxative out of the box that we keep our mail in and several other pieces got pulled up. She quickly said “If you don’t push that stuff down, it will fall out” before I had a chance to push it back. I think the stress is getting to her. I bit my tongue and told her I love her. I think I am going to hear a lot more snappy comebacks before we get thru this.
My husband and I are a little ahead of both of you. I was diagnosed the week after Christmas and opted for a bilateral mastectomy which occurred 01/29 and I am now halfway through my chemo. Aside from the diagnosis and the fear that instills, the hardest part was watching the effect that this has on my husband and grown daughter (28) as my diagnosis turned their worlds upside down. Although I know this is not something I can control, I felt very guilty about the pain it caused them. My family has learned to read me pretty well. Sometimes I need to talk and they listen and ask questions and get involved. If I'm down, my daughter brings my 8 month old grandson for a visit and it helps to put things back in perspective. Sometimes, particularly when I am feeling pretty darned good in between chemo, I don't want my world to be about cancer, surgery and baldness and we talk about the rest of our lives and do things that feel "normal." Sometimes I just need some alone time to think and talk to myself. When he's not sure, he just asks if I need a hug or he tells me if he needs one.
Most of us have not dealt with a situation of this magnitude before so it may be hard to predict how we will react. My advice is to be willing to ask - do you want to talk, do you want to be left alone, is there something I can do to help?
Good luck to both of you - bless you for being willing to be part of the journey.0 -
Holding it together
We got through the lumpectamy and sentinal node removal (negative biopsy)this week; this is rough; trying to hold her together, saying the right thing, holding myself together. This is all new territory; what my wife really wants is to have not been diagnosed with breast cancer, and I can't fix that. She keeps saying she's sorry, and I keep telling her to stop saying she's sorry; she didn't do anything wrong. I'm just doing what I can; dishes,laundry, getting the kids off to school... but, I do need a copy of the revised rule book; not the one that was revised three weeks ago, or two weeks ago, or Tuesday; but the one that was revised this morning before I left for work; and I could also use the suppliment so I know what to expect when I get home. Thank God it's Friday!0
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