CSN Login
Members Online: 7

Don died and it's a scary, lonely world

ruthelizabeth
Posts: 146
Joined: May 2009

Don died 4/13. It will be a while before I get a chance to really grieve for him.

His 22-year-old has been violent in the past and is now enraged, both at him and at me and at life in general. Don lent her his car to get to and from work, but although she badgered him to give it to her (starting in December when he was still able to drive), he refused to do it. He wanted me to have it (it's specifically in the will) so I could pay all the bills I was incurring for him. I finally got it back from her and she left a threatening phone call and then came and ripped and burned the screen on the entryway, trying to break in.

At the end of March when I was home, JEnnifer tampered with Don's oxygen machine. Can I legally prove it? No. BUt she was the last person to touch it at about 7PM and she knows how to use it. At 6AM after a very restless, difficult night, Don said he couldn't breathe. WHen I checked the machine, the flow meter had been cut from 5 to 2.5 and the tube had been uncoupled.

But it's not just the car. Don and his ex split all her bills and now she's facing the fact that her life is changing. She'll have to support herself and as she screamed a few years ago, she "WANTS MY THINGS!" Of course, all "her" things have always been paid for by her parents. She's at least twice my size and has beaten me up in the past. To her I look like a vulnerable target and also the person who is not contributing to her comfortable life. I suspect that if her mother ever tells her she can't live at home free, her mother will become a target for the very first time.

Sorry for the long post. Just wanted you all to know. Thanks.

clsmith
Posts: 83
Joined: Nov 2008

I am so sorry about Don. You have had so many problems with that girl-I dont't know what to say. You have enough going on with out that=legal action might be needed. Take care my friend. Cindy

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry to hear about Don and really sorry that you continue to have problems with the stepdaughter. Have you spoken to an attorney about possible getting a restraining order? I know those aren't very effective, but at least you would have something. I also wouldn't hesitate to call the police if she threatens you again. I can't even imagine how hard it is to deal with this while you are trying to grieve. Please take care of yourself. Fay

ruthelizabeth
Posts: 146
Joined: May 2009

I did fill out paperwork asking for a restraining order. If you're ever hit by anyone, write down the date and keep track. I have dates on three episodes, but not on the other three in between. I suspect that won't be enough to get a restraining order. If it comes to a hearing, Jennifer will be the sweetest, most charming, innocent girl you'll ever see. She does that well when it suits her.

However, the deputies have all told me to call them instantly if she shows up or if there's a problem. I have my cell phone on me at all times. ALl the doors are double-locked. The hurricane shutters are down. I have nice containers of pepper in various places and spray cans of fluorescent paint next to my bed and in the kitchen. If anyone breaks in and I have time, it will be pretty obvious who it was and if I end up running across the golf course at night, I'll be able to see where my pursuer is. My car is parked inconspicuously across the street from where I work. There's a packed overnight bag in the trunk in case I want to hide out at a hotel some night.

Her mother's boyfriend is a lawyer so maybe he'll point out that since I've pressed charges on the damage to the screened entryway and filed for a restraining order, Jennifer should stay away. Unfortunately I think it's more likely to escalate the situation.

Ah well, friends. I try hard to think of this as a new experience. It would be easier if I wasn't scared.

Thanks!

Ruth Elizabeth, Don's forever wife

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

It sounds like you are doing everything you can. I really am sorry that you need to take all these precautions and live in fear. You might want to consider an alarm system as well. I wish you the best. Fay

Cindy Bear
Posts: 563
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi. I am so sorry to hear about everything you've been thru. Losing Don and now the issues with his daughter. She sounds like a very disturbed young lady. I am not a psych. but it sounds like this isn't just a case of being spoiled and feeling entitled, or selfish but a much deeper psychosis. Forgive me for saying this but Don and his ex were enabling her by "paying all of her bills" If she was going to school full-time I might understand that (though I always worked, H.S. and college ) It is a shame you have to live in fear. I can't really advise too much other than to say you might want to consult a lawyer and also, I'd seriously think about getting a dog. A big dog.

ruthelizabeth
Posts: 146
Joined: May 2009

I was granted a temporary restraining order and now I've been told that Jennifer, her mother and her mother's (lawyer) boyfriend are thinking of pressing charges against me because I filed for the restraining order. The hearing is May 5th. I've contacted the local shelter for abused women and their lawyer is supposed to be calling me back.

With all this going on, I don't think I'm really missing Don the way I will if this ever calms down. Sometimes I think that if Jennifer killed me, I'd at least be with him again and that would be good.

As for Jennifer, I think she isn't able to have any real emotional connection with anyone. Her life is changing and she won't have all her bills paid as she always has. I think there's a lot of rage there. I'm the smallest, most vulnerable person around and I think that makes me the target.

Some days I can cope. Other days I can't. Maybe I'll get thru this.

Thanks!

Cindy Bear
Posts: 563
Joined: Jul 2009

I'm not a lawyer (but I do watch a heck of alot of Perry Mason) You have every right to file for a restraining order and they can't do a damn thing about it. They are trying to scare you. Don't let them. I would seriously think about getting a lawyer, usually they do free consultations or if money is really tight, most cities have free legal advice clinics. Do not go to a big legal firm. They are worthless.. they just do phone consults, very impersonal. Got to a lawyer who is in practice for himself. You'll be much better off. The daughter sounds like a sociopath. So what if she's angry, hurt, worried about bills .. aren't we all. She'll have to put her big girl panties on now... Good luck with whatever you decide.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

I agree that you are not really able to grieve as you should. I also agree that they are trying to scare you. Stand your ground. Scaring people is how the stepdaughter operates. I also agree that getting an attorney is a very good idea. What could they possibly charge you with. Losing your husband?the stepdaughter does seem to have some real psychologic problems. I might feel sorry for her if I didn't think she was dangerous. Hang in there. Fay

ruthelizabeth
Posts: 146
Joined: May 2009

A hearing on the restraining order was postponed until June 16th. The lawyer boyfriend told the court that Jennifer had taken time off at her father's death and couldn't take any more off. Well, she did take the day of the funeral off. Also, it "was essential" for her mother to be there and she had taken alllll her time off for knee operations. They look so angelic and put-upon. I also work full-time and I'm trying to get back from taking six weeks off to nurse Don.

The last two checks on Don's account bounced. Jennifer got on as beneficiary (it was all he had); I know it wasn't what Don intended and by the time he realized she'd get everything, he was too weak to go in and change it. The bank wouldn't let me do anything even though I had his power of attorney.

I thought that the bank would hold the account for maybe a month to allow all outstanding checks to clear, but they don't. The lawyer boyfriend got a death certificate ASAP and closed the account. I won't pay the cell phone bill, but the other one ($500) was to the church for the pastor, organist and soloist who did the funeral. That one I have to replace. It was a beautiful time.

Some nights I don't sleep well. Most days I look at food and it looks at me. I am trying to break myself of the habit of glancing out the peephole in the front door when I pass it.

And would you all offer suggestions? Jennifer's older sister isn't speaking to me. (Neither of them have acknowledged receiving the videos I bought them of their father from the funeral home visitation, but that's to be expected. There's a sense of entitlement in both of them.)

Don painted in oils. I haven't been able to bring myself to clear out his half of the sunroom studio, but when I do, I thought of giving his paints to Mary who also paints in oil. (I do acrylics.) Do you think I should write and ask her if she wants them or send them up or just give them to someone here who might enjoy them?

I wish I really felt like doing anything. I do go to work and seem to be doing moderately well although I'm not as productive as I like. The rest of the time I don't do very well. I try. Don't succeed too well.

I tried so hard for Don's kids and for his mother and for him. I think I'm running out of try. Don was so strong and toughed everything out to the end. I don't know what he'd think of me these days. I hope he'd forgive me for how I'm feeling. Don't know about that.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

Of course he would forgive you for grieving. You are doing the best you can. He would know that. What is your attorney doing? I hope you have one. Hang in there. You need to decide for yourself what you want to do with the art. You don't have to do anything until you are ready. I'm proud of you for doing well at work. Build on the positive things. You are a very brave lady. Take care, Fay

ruthelizabeth
Posts: 146
Joined: May 2009

The latest development was that last night I got a bill for car insurance -- addressed to Ruth Neapolitan and Jennifer. It also said that the bill would be automatically deducted from the bank account.

It was a scary night. I wondered if I was having my identity stolen (Jennifer had access to the house for years, after all). I changed my credit card accounts. And in a second call to the insurance company I discovered that this wasn't on MY car, but on a new one for Jennifer.

(Don's ex must have bought it and Jennifer is making payments to her.)

(Don's ex is also Ruth Elizabeth and she sometimes goes by Ruth Neapolitan and sometimes by Ruth Walker.)

This morning I went to the insurance co. and got the billing address changed to Jennifer's home address. However, I did find out that the POLICY was sent to Jennifer's address, but the BILL was sent to mine. The company couldn't explain how that happened, but really, the only reasonable explanation is that they were given two addresses.

I plan to take the paperwork to my lawyer and ask if this could constitute harrassment.

I think that now that Jennifer's part-time job at the school is ending (June 10th) for the summer and she has bills and is under pressure to find health insurance for herself, they are trying hard to scare me into letting this all drop. Otherwise, when she applies for work anywhere, the restraining order will show on a background check.

I would be very happy if I ever heard that JEnnifer was leading a successful, happy, stable life. I would be very grateful if I could ever live safely and calmly and happily. I don't know if either of those things will ever happen.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

I just wanted you to know that I am still here reading your posts. I'm sorry things are still difficult with the stepdaughter. What will she think of next? You are right to follow up with the attorney. Take care, Fay

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

All I can start to say is WOW! I am here feeling sorry for myself loosing my husband four months ago tomorrow and having to be both mom and dad to my kids and now I am reading all the things you are going through. I can say I am sorry for all the crud you have to deal with. Know that there are people here to help with encouragement like me and of course more grandmafay. She is great and has helped me start my healing process and I know just by reading she is helping you too. Know there are people here in this discussion group that can listen and encourage. I will pray for you and your stressful issues you are dealing with. Hang in there!! We are here for you. Haley

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Dear Ruthelizabeth,
You mean to tell me...if I read this correctly....you and your husband's ex wife have the exactly same first and middle name?? What are the chances of that? Anyway....I am here for you to listen, to vent, to rejoice, you need some rejoicing girl! I agree with going to your attorney. Check it all out. Hang in there. Come back soon.
Tina

ruthelizabeth
Posts: 146
Joined: May 2009

Yes, it's unusual that his ex and I both have the same first and middle name. I told Don he finally got it right. :)

I don't believe in coincidences this good. Two days after I got the insurance bill, Jennifer's lawyer called mine. He wanted to know if I was going to drop the case. If not, they would agree to a restraining order on her if I agreed to have one on me. Failing those two things, he would be calling a lot of witnesses at the hearing.

My lawyer says calling a ton of witnesses will annoy the judge because restraining order hearings are fairly simple and short. I said that I thought the other lawyer would be a witness himself and would swear (falsely) that he'd been with Jennifer every moment of the night she came to the house so she couldn't have damaged the screen. My lawyer was positively delighted about the idea of him testifying as he will lose lawyer-client privilege and can be cross-examined about everything.

I am not dropping the case. Having mutual restraining orders is just plain silly; I have never even threatened Jennifer.

I know that they're just trying to scare and intimidate me. I wish knowing that made all this less upsetting. And I figure that the next month until the hearing is going to be a very scary time.

Thank you for all the support. I appreciate it so much.

Ruth Elizabeth
Don's forever wife

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Ruth
Stick to your guns! Take her to court. We support you 100 %. Do not let them scare you or intimidate you! Glad your lawyer is delighted to represent you! It should be quite a show. Keep in touch. Peace to you.
Tina

ruthelizabeth
Posts: 146
Joined: May 2009

My lawyer suggested I ask some people to agree to testify for me. He said they might not be needed, but it wouldn't hurt to have them. The only people who've ever seen Jennifer violent or heard her threaten me are family members.

Her full sister (Mary, 28) has never seen her violent and wouldn't admit it if she had.

Don's son (Jennifer's half-brother) is easily charmed and also wants peace in the family. He won't testify about the last very violent episode, even though he was the one who prevented her from hitting Don and me and the one she hit on the side of the head. He heard her threaten to kill us all. He isn't going to talk about any of that. He says he'll say he did see the screen damage -- of which I have good pictures and which are the subject of a police report.

Lisa, the oldest (Jennifer's half-sister), said she and her two older kids (19 & 25) would come down and speak for me. They all heard Jennifer threaten me in late Feb.

That was last week. This week the two kids have decided not to come.

Don was the most wonderful man in the whole world. I loved him more than I can tell you. Last night I wished I'd never met him. That hurt more than his death.

I don't truly think this will ever end -- the bills, the paperwork, the fear and stress, none of it is going to go away.

I don't really think that the outcome of the restraining order hearing will make any difference. If the order is removed, Jennifer will see me as a very vulnerable target. If it's continued, she'll be enraged and I doubt if her mother and the boyfriend will be able to control her behavior. I really don't care what happens.

halsons's picture
halsons
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Ruth,I am sorry you have to go through all of this including loosing your husband. Please be strong and keep going with this. Yes the bills and even the stress will go away just not as fast as we would like. Don would not want you to roll over and give up so do what your lawyer says and if you can find even one person to help testify then do it. She can't get away with acting like this to anyone especially someone who loved and took care of her dad. That is horrible. If she gets enraged or even angry with a restraining order the police can do something about it. One day others will see how she really is and she will have to pay for the way she treats people. You are just stressed and angry about the whole situation with the step daughter. Having Don with you was wonderful and that is what you need to remember. Please don't give up. We are here. Thinking of you. Haley

augigi
Posts: 89
Joined: Dec 2009

What a spoilt little witch!!

How can the mother and stepfather condone her behaviour?

Don't be threatened by them - you have the proof and it will come out in court, no matter how innocent she looks/sounds. Make sure to call someone and tell them about things if she comes by/calls/sends mail so that you have witnesses later.

Is there any way you can totally cut off contact with his family? Make sure you have the locks changed. I'd probably be looking to move, you are very brave.

Please stop saying that you are small and weak and vulnerable. We believe whatever we tell ourselves. You have a lot more inner strength and wisdom than some upstart little witch, and I know a lot more smarts. So give yourself some credit.

Subscribe with RSS
About Cancer Society

The content on this site is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your condition. Use of this online service is subject to the disclaimer and the terms and conditions.

Copyright 2000-2014 © Cancer Survivors Network