New to this board and frustrated

Options
ssfbeagle
ssfbeagle Member Posts: 50
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
I previously have posted on the Uterine cancer board regarding my mom. She has inoperable uterine cancer that was diagnosed a year ago. She has been very positive until a few weeks ago. Radiation is no longer an option. She has had several cycles of chemo, but the tumor is progressing. She has just started Xeloda today. She lives about five minutes from me. Just within the last few days, she has become extremely fearful of falling. She has recently started using a walker in the house but is now refusing to leave the house. In fact today she cancelled her doctor's appointment and wanted to be readmitted to the hospital. I am feeling very frustrated and she continually tells me I'm preaching to her and picking on her. Other than arthritis in her knee, she has no physical limitations. I'm sure part of this is depression but I don't know how to help. I am a nurse also and you'd think I'd know what to do. I have suggested a caregiver, but then she gets mad at me. Any suggestions?

Comments

  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #2
    Options
    I’m looking after my
    I’m looking after my mother, too. She’s 79 with advanced ovarian cancer. If she took up her walker and said she was afraid of falling, I’d start looking for bruises because she would have fallen already. In fact, that’s pretty much the next thing my brothers and I are looking for to happen. Mom has started walking a little differently and holding onto things more, so I know she’s having some balance issues. She won’t talk about it.

    She is open to having a caregiver come in, but we’re kind of waiting to see what her oncologist says this week. ( I’m at home on caregiver break.) My sister-in-law is looking into caregivers she has worked with in the past with other family members, but if we get hospice then we’ll let the pros arrange support services.

    My mother is not in a great mood much anymore, and I think she’s basically tired and uncomfortable. She’s either sleeping or trying to stay busy, and not eating much at all. Her wishes are to be cared for at home, with hospice, but I don’t think she knows how close she is.

    She likes it when I tell her what hard work all this is, and how much I appreciate all she does to take care of herself and keep herself safe when I’m not there. Both of our moms are really struggling, so maybe validating that is the best first step.
  • david54
    david54 Member Posts: 164 Member
    #3
    Options
    I am sorry you are


    I am sorry you are experiencing this. I don’t have a lot of advice. Sometimes as difficult as it is, we have to let our family make their own decisions even if it means tough consequences. I am speaking to the choir here because I find it easy to preach that philosophy than actually putting it into practice! I too am a nurse and my wife has stage four colon cancer, she is a nurse as well. When it comes down to me trying to figure out and give advice to my spouse, forget it. I usually find it works best if I can somehow subliminally make the suggestion so she thinks she came up with the idea herself – sometimes it’s a fine line of putting my foot down as well and telling it like it is, which is hard to do.
    I think I am rambling here other than to let you know I realize how frustrating this is for you.

    David
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #4
    Options
    david54 said:

    I am sorry you are


    I am sorry you are experiencing this. I don’t have a lot of advice. Sometimes as difficult as it is, we have to let our family make their own decisions even if it means tough consequences. I am speaking to the choir here because I find it easy to preach that philosophy than actually putting it into practice! I too am a nurse and my wife has stage four colon cancer, she is a nurse as well. When it comes down to me trying to figure out and give advice to my spouse, forget it. I usually find it works best if I can somehow subliminally make the suggestion so she thinks she came up with the idea herself – sometimes it’s a fine line of putting my foot down as well and telling it like it is, which is hard to do.
    I think I am rambling here other than to let you know I realize how frustrating this is for you.

    David

    Your Mom
    Hello and welcome to our caregivers board. From one caregiver to another, I feel for you. I know and feel your pain and frustration. David is correct is saying that it is sometimes better to make them feel like they have made the decision. They do not like the fact that they have lost their "control". Let your mom make the decision whether or not she wants a full time caregiver. Let her make the decision whether or not she wants to use a walker. When it gets to this point, we as caregivers have to remember that it is their decision that we have to respect. I recently lost my dad to ec/liver cancer. He too had balance issues towards his end. He started having to use a cane. Your mom knows when she does not feel as strong, and when she needs to use her walker. Hang in there, and know that you are not alone. Keep us posted.
    Tina

Discussion Boards