Fear, anxiety, anger, guilt

Kelliecatrn
Kelliecatrn Member Posts: 1
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
I am Kellie. My Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer last November. I am the youngest of four children and I live close to Dad (thank heaven) but two brothers live out of state. One lives here in Florida, but he and his family have not spoken to my Dad for several years due to a falling out. My brothers just visited last week and it was so wonderful to have them close, to have some support. Now that they've gone such an overwhelming depression and fear has come over me, I just don't know what to do to rise above it. I love my Dad with all my heart. I moved here when my Mom died suddenly of an aneurysm in 1999, and we are very close. He's having some severe side effects related to nausea and vomiting and he's lost a lot of his hair but he's hanging in there. I'm so proud of him. I just feel so very alone all the time. I don't want to burden friends with my fears and anxieties, so I just keep it in. Or at least try to, but it's hurting me so much. My boyfriend who I live with has had enough of me. He doesn't understand how I feel and he has come to the conclusion that I simply enjoy being miserable. I am a nurse and I switched from one full time job to two per diem jobs because I wanted to be available to Dad. Lately every time the phone rings I jump 10 feet in the air from anxiety from both. I am having difficulty, not in caring for my patients, but wanting to. Then I feel guilty for feeling anxious and angry because my Dad is the one suffering so much, and the self loathing begins. Everyone tells me it's going to get better, but that's easy to say from 2500 miles away. Then I feel guilty for thinking that. How do I stop this difficult situation from ruining my entire life?

Comments

  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #2
    so much processing
    Kelli, you ask some very hard questions. How do you keep your father’s needs from overtaking your life? I wish I knew the answer to that one. I opted to let my mother’s needs take a big chunk of my life over the past year or so, but I didn’t feel I had a choice. It was the only right thing to do. But even when things are going well and I'm home on caregiver break, if I wake up in the night I'm ALWAYS thinking of her. When you're taking care of a failing parent there is so much to process!

    I think you need a friend, counselor or social worker who can support you through this very trying time. Perhaps a friend who has been touched by cancer? These boards can help, but taking time to feel supported may be more of a necessity than a luxury. Counselors have a name for what we caregivers go through, and it’s called constant sorrow. We just crawl out of the vortex and it starts all over again.

    I also “use” my youngest brother and my daughter to vent. They listen and reassure me on frustrating days, and it really helps. Most of this takes place on the phone. Can one of your long-distance sibs listen when you need to just talk? (My other two brothers could never do this, but one out of three ain’t bad).

    I envy your relationship with your father, which may make it easier to treasure each day as it comes. My mother has always been difficult, but lately things have been getting tough for her, less joy and more suffering. I’m glad I hung in there, and you will be, too.
  • NBTXGIRL
    NBTXGIRL Member Posts: 31
    #3
    Me too.......
    Kellie, I think we are living parallel lives. I, too, am taking care of my father with Stage IV colon cancer with metastasis to the both lungs, liver, spine, bone, lymph nodes, and now the brain. I am the youngest of four kids. I lost a brother and still have a sister and brother living. I have always taken care of my parents. I lost my mom in 2006 to colon cancer and up until June 09, my father was always healthy. He went from working 16 hours a day, living independently, to coming to live with me in a wheel chair, literally over night. He is “actively dying”. I have had to transform my entire house and life to take care of him. My sister helps as much as possible and tries to come down at least every two to three weeks. My brother is no support. I completely understand the feeling of loneliness. I am so happy to see my sister walk in the door, because I know for at least 48 hours I can let go of some of the responsibilities of “medical care giving”(my sister is a home health nurse also) and concentrate on the “life care” i.e. selling his house, mowing, grocery shopping, paying bills, without worrying about leaving him alone. When my sister leaves, I can physically feel the load piling on my shoulders as she backs out of the driveway. I think all of us feel this burden. I get mad at my brother and my sister because they get to leave and go back to their normal lives, while I sit here in this painstaking situation 24/7. Yes, I even get mad at my Dad because he is sick. And, yes, afterwards, I feel very guilty for being mad at him. He didn’t do anything to cause this. You are going thru an extremely emotional time in your life. No one “enjoys being miserable.” The daily unknowns, schedule changes, medical needs, can drive a person insane. I hope that your boyfriend can some day gather the empathy and compassion to understand what is really involved in caring for someone with cancer. To watch someone we love, go through something so traumatic and not be able to do anything about it is the most heart wrenching journey we will ever have to experience. Just know that everything you are feeling is “normal.” You always have someone here on this board to share with, vent to or just listen. I wish you and your father peace today. Kim
  • slashbro
    slashbro Member Posts: 1
    #4
    You are not alone
    Kellie:

    I don't have answers to offer. My husband was diagnosed with Stage 3B lung cancer last May, and life since then has been surreal. I am also living everything you describe.

    As I said, I don't have any answers to offer. All I can do at this point is tell you that you are not alone. There are others of us out there, going through it too. Somehow, knowing that gives me a tiny bit of comfort.

    Hang in there...
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #5
    Vent
    I don't have any words of wisdom either. I am sorry that the caregiving has fallen so heavy just on your shoulders. This is very hard. I would also encourage you to talk with your friends or a counselor. Don't keep your feeling bottled up, and don't feel guilty for having them. You are entitled to everything you are feeling. Just a quick read through these posts will tell you that others are feeling much the way you are. It is ok to vent here as well as share your feelings. Take care of yourself. Fay

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