Panic
I'm coming up on my first mammogram next month and when I think about it, I can feel the panic bubbing up inside me like a shaken bottle of Pepsi! Year before last, my mammogram was clear. Last year, I didn't expect anything different, but I had three cancer spots and it was in one lymph node.
I have an terrific support group here locally (made up of lots of survivors), the best husband in the world and an awesome and loving God that has gotten me this far, but that panic just keeps raising it's ugly head.
I have always felt that fear was a wasted emotion but this thing has gotten hold of me and won't let go!
Comments
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Sharon
Hi Sharon,
Would you consider getting some anti-anxiety meds? You don't have to take them all the time just when you feel the panic starting. Your doctor could give you a dosage that would just take the edge off nothing drastic.
Another thing you can try when the panic starts is to sit quietly and take deep breaths until you feel calmer.
A lot of women diagnosed with bc get anxious when the get their mammograms so you are definitely not alone there.
I'm in the same situation you are - I have finished my treatments except for hormone therapy but usually doctors will only say NED - No evidence of disease.
I just had my first mammogram since my diagnosis and it was fine - NED. I'm wishing the same for you.
Jacqui0 -
Thanks JacquiJacquiAL said:Sharon
Hi Sharon,
Would you consider getting some anti-anxiety meds? You don't have to take them all the time just when you feel the panic starting. Your doctor could give you a dosage that would just take the edge off nothing drastic.
Another thing you can try when the panic starts is to sit quietly and take deep breaths until you feel calmer.
A lot of women diagnosed with bc get anxious when the get their mammograms so you are definitely not alone there.
I'm in the same situation you are - I have finished my treatments except for hormone therapy but usually doctors will only say NED - No evidence of disease.
I just had my first mammogram since my diagnosis and it was fine - NED. I'm wishing the same for you.
Jacqui
Actually my dr put me on "anti-depressants" when I was diagnosed last June. I couldn't talk about it for a while without crying.
I'm sooooo much better now and I can fight the panic on my own most of the time. I just don't like anything that "controls" me and if I allow it, occasionally, the panic would take me over.
I'm sure everything will be fine and I can't wait to get it all behind me.
My husband and I retired on July 1, 2009 and my surgery was July 7th. After I got thru surgery and chemo and started to feel almost human, he had knee replacement. We can't wait to both get back upright and functional so we can LIVE again!!
Lord willing, we are going to Florida in May.
Oh, and I am not on hormone replacement. I'm on NOTHING. Isn't that awesome??0 -
Cured or NED
Sharon, these are just words that different doctors use when it comes to cancer. Some doctors feel uncomfortable with "cured" because it implies a certainty that none of us have -- not even those who have never had cancer. If you took a healthy person off the street, you could not with 100% certainty say that he doesn't have cancer in his body. Many of us have cancer in our bodies that our immune system kills before it become a problem. So, in a way, everyone, cancer history or not, is NED until proven otherwise. Don't let it bother you. And about the panic before tests, it's completely normal and expected. I do have a xanax prescription that I take only when I have to face another test. It does help take the edge off. You have lots of support and are doing great.
Mimi0 -
I agreemimivac said:Cured or NED
Sharon, these are just words that different doctors use when it comes to cancer. Some doctors feel uncomfortable with "cured" because it implies a certainty that none of us have -- not even those who have never had cancer. If you took a healthy person off the street, you could not with 100% certainty say that he doesn't have cancer in his body. Many of us have cancer in our bodies that our immune system kills before it become a problem. So, in a way, everyone, cancer history or not, is NED until proven otherwise. Don't let it bother you. And about the panic before tests, it's completely normal and expected. I do have a xanax prescription that I take only when I have to face another test. It does help take the edge off. You have lots of support and are doing great.
Mimi
We all want to hear the word "cured" of cancer ... but as Mimi said ... that implies certainty that there is not one cell of cancer in our body ... breast ... or any place else ... and that just can't be said. And ... as she said it's just a word. The important thing is that our treatment has been successful and there is NO EVIDENCE of CANCER now. I'm sure it will always be in the back of our minds that "it" may occur again ... but there are no guarantees. We just have to live each day as best we can and know that no matter what ... we're not going down without a fight.
Oh ... and I certainly agree with the xanax suggestion too. It is an amazing drug that cana take the edge (panic!) out of things.
hugs.
teena0 -
Hi Sharon- a very wise oncology nurse made sure that I understood, after my first b/c occurrence that I knew I was in remission and not "cured"- that is the reality- however, I was in remission for almost 15 years- just had a recurrence, mastectomy and will be starting treatment in two weeks for a year. I am thanking GOD that there are drugs available- can you think of what kind of death sentence cancer patients had some years ago? I think that science keeps refining chemo treatments and drugs to make them more tolerable and less traumatic- I have gathered my family and friends close to me, I am so so lucky- we are given one moment at a time and I am grateful for that.
Absolutely look into some anti-anxiety meds- you don't have to take them all the time, just when you need to.
Hugs!0 -
SharonSharon_D said:Thanks Jacqui
Actually my dr put me on "anti-depressants" when I was diagnosed last June. I couldn't talk about it for a while without crying.
I'm sooooo much better now and I can fight the panic on my own most of the time. I just don't like anything that "controls" me and if I allow it, occasionally, the panic would take me over.
I'm sure everything will be fine and I can't wait to get it all behind me.
My husband and I retired on July 1, 2009 and my surgery was July 7th. After I got thru surgery and chemo and started to feel almost human, he had knee replacement. We can't wait to both get back upright and functional so we can LIVE again!!
Lord willing, we are going to Florida in May.
Oh, and I am not on hormone replacement. I'm on NOTHING. Isn't that awesome??
Hi Sharon,
I think the slow, deep breaths will work for you. I know what you mean about loss of control. I had that when I found out I had to have a second surgery. My surgeon told me I might have to have another one if she needed to take out more lymph nodes but I didn't realize I would have to have it so soon after the first one. That's when I started reading about ways to remain calm when I started to feel that loss of control. The second surgery went fine - it was actually easier than the first.
Did you choose not to have hormone therapy?
I'm retired also but my husband will work for another year and a half.
I hope you enjoy your trip to Florida.
Jacqui0 -
Blubbering Bottle of Pepsi here
Sharon,
You and I are in about the same place on this journey -- I was diagnosed last May, surgery in June, finished chemo in October and rads at the end of December.
And I, too, will have my first post-treatment mammogram next month. I knew I was terrified about it, but didn't realize how much until the reminder note to schedule the mammogram arrived in the mail from my surgeon's office yesterday. I opened it, and promptly burst into tears.
So, while you're a shaken bottle of Pepsi, I'm currently a blubbering one! :-)
I'm so sick of acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, etc. asking me "So, you're cured now, right?" "So, you're in remission now, right?" The answer is I don't know, and (like Mimi said) none of us can ever really know -- a friend accused me of being selfish for saying this, but, if I have to live with that uncertainty for the rest of my life, then everyone else does, too. I'm just not going to tell people what they want to hear to make THEM feel better.
(Okay, I guess right now I'm a Cranky Bottle of Pepsi! :-)
Traci0 -
Aww Traci,TraciInLA said:Blubbering Bottle of Pepsi here
Sharon,
You and I are in about the same place on this journey -- I was diagnosed last May, surgery in June, finished chemo in October and rads at the end of December.
And I, too, will have my first post-treatment mammogram next month. I knew I was terrified about it, but didn't realize how much until the reminder note to schedule the mammogram arrived in the mail from my surgeon's office yesterday. I opened it, and promptly burst into tears.
So, while you're a shaken bottle of Pepsi, I'm currently a blubbering one! :-)
I'm so sick of acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, etc. asking me "So, you're cured now, right?" "So, you're in remission now, right?" The answer is I don't know, and (like Mimi said) none of us can ever really know -- a friend accused me of being selfish for saying this, but, if I have to live with that uncertainty for the rest of my life, then everyone else does, too. I'm just not going to tell people what they want to hear to make THEM feel better.
(Okay, I guess right now I'm a Cranky Bottle of Pepsi! :-)
Traci
I was that blubbering pepsi bottle last week. Started crying because I was suddenly certain things would turn out badly for me. The feeling comes and goes. I agree that sometimes it's ridiculous how much you have to coddle OTHERS who demand to hear a definitive answer. Well, no one has one and I'm sorry if that messes with your safe conception of the world. We all live with uncertainty, some of us more than others. But, Sharon, NED is a great thing and odds are on your side.
Mimi0 -
HairTraciInLA said:Blubbering Bottle of Pepsi here
Sharon,
You and I are in about the same place on this journey -- I was diagnosed last May, surgery in June, finished chemo in October and rads at the end of December.
And I, too, will have my first post-treatment mammogram next month. I knew I was terrified about it, but didn't realize how much until the reminder note to schedule the mammogram arrived in the mail from my surgeon's office yesterday. I opened it, and promptly burst into tears.
So, while you're a shaken bottle of Pepsi, I'm currently a blubbering one! :-)
I'm so sick of acquaintances, co-workers, neighbors, etc. asking me "So, you're cured now, right?" "So, you're in remission now, right?" The answer is I don't know, and (like Mimi said) none of us can ever really know -- a friend accused me of being selfish for saying this, but, if I have to live with that uncertainty for the rest of my life, then everyone else does, too. I'm just not going to tell people what they want to hear to make THEM feel better.
(Okay, I guess right now I'm a Cranky Bottle of Pepsi! :-)
Traci
Traci, has your hair come back yet? Mine is about 1/4" long and soft as bunny fur. Instead of the flaming red that I had a dream about, it seems to be salt and pepper like it was before. But, hey, that's subject to change!! ;-)0 -
"Resilient hair"Sharon_D said:Hair
Traci, has your hair come back yet? Mine is about 1/4" long and soft as bunny fur. Instead of the flaming red that I had a dream about, it seems to be salt and pepper like it was before. But, hey, that's subject to change!! ;-)
I seem to have what my oncologist calls "resilient hair." I did 4 rounds of Cytoxan/Taxotere, from August-October of last year, and it actually started growing back (not much, but still noticeable) around the 3rd round. It's about 1 1/2" now.
I hear you about dreaming about getting some fun, new hair out of this deal -- my hair has always been stick-straight, not a wave in it, and I was lighting candles that I'd get the "chemo curl" when it grew back. Flaming red would have been good, too!
But nope -- my hair is exactly the same hair I had before chemo. Stick-straight, dishwater blond, boring -- I was like oh hello, hair, welcome back, I remember you!
So, as soon as it got about an inch long last month, my hairdresser did chunky blond highlights in it -- I funk it up with fun hair goos, and am kind of enjoying my slightly punk, butch new look!
Traci0 -
oooops hairTraciInLA said:"Resilient hair"
I seem to have what my oncologist calls "resilient hair." I did 4 rounds of Cytoxan/Taxotere, from August-October of last year, and it actually started growing back (not much, but still noticeable) around the 3rd round. It's about 1 1/2" now.
I hear you about dreaming about getting some fun, new hair out of this deal -- my hair has always been stick-straight, not a wave in it, and I was lighting candles that I'd get the "chemo curl" when it grew back. Flaming red would have been good, too!
But nope -- my hair is exactly the same hair I had before chemo. Stick-straight, dishwater blond, boring -- I was like oh hello, hair, welcome back, I remember you!
So, as soon as it got about an inch long last month, my hairdresser did chunky blond highlights in it -- I funk it up with fun hair goos, and am kind of enjoying my slightly punk, butch new look!
Traci
Twelve days into my chemo, I was sitting on the sofa talking to my husband one night and started to get up when, kerplunk, a clump of hair fell out and landed on my arm. It was quite a shock at first, but we had already decided when it happened, we'd burr it. So we got the clippers and the camera and went to the front porch and buuuuuzzzzed away.
I had six treatments ending the day before Thanksgiving and it started to come back in the middle of January, but very very slowly.
It's so soft, I can't keep my hands out of it! I go to sleep at night rubbing the top of my head like a baby with their blankie! LOL My husband says I'll never get hair if I don't stop rubbing it off!0 -
For the record, I will be
For the record, I will be celebrating 7 years out of treatment on the 29th of this month~ I have my every 6 month appointment with my oncologist on the 23, and I feel that niggly, panic feeling starting to fill my psyche. It is something I mentally try and fight, but it is still there, just the same. Everytime my Dr asks me how I am, I say "You tell ME, you have my lab results"...and then I start holding my breath waiting for whatever news he is going to give me.
Point being, you are sooo very normal with your reactions! As long as they don't interfere with your quality of life, and only rear their heads when an appointment is on the horizon, I say you are right on track with the rest of us Warrior-Survivors!
Hugs,
Chen♥0 -
Enjoyed reading this thread.
Enjoyed reading this thread. I'm still finsihing up chemo. One more infusion on March 30, then on to rads. I hear what you are saying about the panic. You may all have to hold my hands when I go for that first mammo after treatment. I try to tell myself that "it is what is". I too never had an abnormal mammo until last year. I tell myself I can only do what I can do and the rest is up to my God. I'm in charge of efforts, my God is in charge of outcomes.
Sharon and Traci you could have made the hair growth sound a little more glamorous. I wanted straight blonde hair or red would also have been welcome. With the fuzz on my head I can tell you its mostly salt and very little pepper. Due to some taxol complications my hair started growing. Of course now I'm shedding again, no eyebrows and no eyelashes, but I love cosmetics.
I havent had to deal with are you back to normal comments yet, because I'm still in treatment, but, I like you Tracy will not welcome them. I feel the anger rising in me just thinking about it. No one will ever know unless they have walked this walk, and I dont wish this walk on anyone. I understand it takes a good year to get energy levels back and they never return as they were before.
Thanks for the post and Hang in There Sharon, I'm praying all goes well for you.0 -
Thank you Cherichenheart said:For the record, I will be
For the record, I will be celebrating 7 years out of treatment on the 29th of this month~ I have my every 6 month appointment with my oncologist on the 23, and I feel that niggly, panic feeling starting to fill my psyche. It is something I mentally try and fight, but it is still there, just the same. Everytime my Dr asks me how I am, I say "You tell ME, you have my lab results"...and then I start holding my breath waiting for whatever news he is going to give me.
Point being, you are sooo very normal with your reactions! As long as they don't interfere with your quality of life, and only rear their heads when an appointment is on the horizon, I say you are right on track with the rest of us Warrior-Survivors!
Hugs,
Chen♥
It's good to hear that I am "normal"! Ok, you don't know me yet, but you'll soon figure out that I've never had a "normal" day in my life!! LOL
Just kidding and thanks for the reassurance. You know sometimes we get the idea that we're the only one in the universe that feels exactly like we do. It's good to know (and also bad to know) that there are others that really understand.
My grandson is in college and going into medicine. I'm praying that he will go into research and find a cure for this nasty nuisance so, someday, someone else's Grammy won't have to deal with it!0 -
One day at a timenatly15 said:Enjoyed reading this thread.
Enjoyed reading this thread. I'm still finsihing up chemo. One more infusion on March 30, then on to rads. I hear what you are saying about the panic. You may all have to hold my hands when I go for that first mammo after treatment. I try to tell myself that "it is what is". I too never had an abnormal mammo until last year. I tell myself I can only do what I can do and the rest is up to my God. I'm in charge of efforts, my God is in charge of outcomes.
Sharon and Traci you could have made the hair growth sound a little more glamorous. I wanted straight blonde hair or red would also have been welcome. With the fuzz on my head I can tell you its mostly salt and very little pepper. Due to some taxol complications my hair started growing. Of course now I'm shedding again, no eyebrows and no eyelashes, but I love cosmetics.
I havent had to deal with are you back to normal comments yet, because I'm still in treatment, but, I like you Tracy will not welcome them. I feel the anger rising in me just thinking about it. No one will ever know unless they have walked this walk, and I dont wish this walk on anyone. I understand it takes a good year to get energy levels back and they never return as they were before.
Thanks for the post and Hang in There Sharon, I'm praying all goes well for you.
I knew absolutely nothing about breast cancer or chemo until this. I actually said several times... "if it's not in the lymph nodes, we'll do a lumpectomy and a little radiation and we're done. If it IS in the lymph nodes, we'll do a mastectomy then a little chemo and we're done".
I honestly thought it would work like that. Whoa, was I oblivious or what? LOL
But, I've learned to celebrate today. Get out that "special" new outfit hanging in the back of the closet and wear that puppy! What will make tomorrow any more special than today? Celebrate what you have while you have it!0 -
Sharon,Sharon_D said:One day at a time
I knew absolutely nothing about breast cancer or chemo until this. I actually said several times... "if it's not in the lymph nodes, we'll do a lumpectomy and a little radiation and we're done. If it IS in the lymph nodes, we'll do a mastectomy then a little chemo and we're done".
I honestly thought it would work like that. Whoa, was I oblivious or what? LOL
But, I've learned to celebrate today. Get out that "special" new outfit hanging in the back of the closet and wear that puppy! What will make tomorrow any more special than today? Celebrate what you have while you have it!
Your post sounds like you were reading my mind only two weeks ago...and now I know what I know. No wonder they say "ignorance is bliss!". I too have gone full circle though and am grateful that there are choices out there for me and my choice to take advantage of them....
mk0 -
Remission is what I have been told I am in.......by all 3 of my physicians......as others have said, I don't think they like to use the word "cured" when dealing with breast cancer.....other cancers I believe can be labeled cured......I too, am coming up on my first post mammo next month.......holding my breath but not to anxious, YET....because I had just had a mammo and ultrasound 3 months before I found my cancer myself this time last year......can't believe it's already been a year since my life changed for ever in the blink of an eye......but I have moved on.....best I can.....I am back to all my regular activities, etc......I refuse to live with the "what ifs"....If it comes back, it comes back, I'll have to deal with it yet again......I pray to God that it doesn't but once again, I have zero control over it same as the first go round....I've made a conscious decision to try and not worry about things of which I have no control......I can only control my own reactions.......not my body if it decides to return cancer to me.......It's been such a long journey as it is for all of us but I am trying to live my life to the fullest.......
Best Wishes to all0 -
Thanks for the reminderSharon_D said:One day at a time
I knew absolutely nothing about breast cancer or chemo until this. I actually said several times... "if it's not in the lymph nodes, we'll do a lumpectomy and a little radiation and we're done. If it IS in the lymph nodes, we'll do a mastectomy then a little chemo and we're done".
I honestly thought it would work like that. Whoa, was I oblivious or what? LOL
But, I've learned to celebrate today. Get out that "special" new outfit hanging in the back of the closet and wear that puppy! What will make tomorrow any more special than today? Celebrate what you have while you have it!
Thanks for the reminder Sharon. Sometimes I need to be reminded to celebrate today, because its all anyone has. When I'm in my chemo fog, which I am right now, I just go with the flow. I do try to live one day at a time and celebrate the things that can be celebrated. I dont always accomplish it, but I am aware.0 -
That is Awesomechenheart said:For the record, I will be
For the record, I will be celebrating 7 years out of treatment on the 29th of this month~ I have my every 6 month appointment with my oncologist on the 23, and I feel that niggly, panic feeling starting to fill my psyche. It is something I mentally try and fight, but it is still there, just the same. Everytime my Dr asks me how I am, I say "You tell ME, you have my lab results"...and then I start holding my breath waiting for whatever news he is going to give me.
Point being, you are sooo very normal with your reactions! As long as they don't interfere with your quality of life, and only rear their heads when an appointment is on the horizon, I say you are right on track with the rest of us Warrior-Survivors!
Hugs,
Chen♥
There is hope for us all. You go girl!!! Go on with your 7 year cancer free Warrior-Survivor self.
P0 -
That is Awesomechenheart said:For the record, I will be
For the record, I will be celebrating 7 years out of treatment on the 29th of this month~ I have my every 6 month appointment with my oncologist on the 23, and I feel that niggly, panic feeling starting to fill my psyche. It is something I mentally try and fight, but it is still there, just the same. Everytime my Dr asks me how I am, I say "You tell ME, you have my lab results"...and then I start holding my breath waiting for whatever news he is going to give me.
Point being, you are sooo very normal with your reactions! As long as they don't interfere with your quality of life, and only rear their heads when an appointment is on the horizon, I say you are right on track with the rest of us Warrior-Survivors!
Hugs,
Chen♥
There is hope for us all. You go girl!!! Go on with your 7 year cancer free Warrior-Survivor self.
P0
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