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Uterine cancer & appendix

tears2overcome
Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

Hi I am new here and trying to get thru some days with all the changes my body has made my emotional state and life during this and after. I was diagnosed with uterine cancer dec 09, the doc's had hoped the cancer had not escaped and released cells other areas. They found cells on my appendix when they went to remove the baby oven and everything else. Two major surgeries at once,and found a light dusting of cells in the tummy wall as I was told 6 times for chemo once every 3 weeks. I also get a shot day after called nuelasta which hit me bad and nearly had me in a wheelchair it hit my ankles, bottoms of my feet and toes felt like they were ready to explode. Ended up in ER with 3 different pain shots that only made me throw up right after. I only pray this does not happen to me again. I came out of chemo well I think, no side effects and minor runs,, I am having the worst time with losing my hair which just started, I've sobbed so hard and stay awake at nites afraid to sleep and when I wake up my hair will be all gone.
I have recovered from surgery faster than expected, back to walking and eating right as I normally did before. My mid section seems to be bigger than before, I still have pain near incision but that is muscles that were bruised during surgery, but I can't seem to see it go down any and it's starting to aggrevate me. I have my sexual urges but have no partner to try this with as my husband and I separated before i was diagnosed, infact I feel very sexual alot right now, but with the tummy I have , and my hair falling out who would want me, so I am not feeling like a woman that feels good about herself.
I tried to on chat to get to know some of you wonderful ppl that are going thru your own health issues but can't get on. I sure could use some friends right now.

d.lee
Posts: 31
Joined: Jan 2010

hi, i have uterine cancer stage 4 i was diag. nov. of 09 but i went through a lot before i was diag. it was the dr. i was seeing it was a long time before i was diag., needless to say it wasnt a very good dr. now i have a very good dr. and ive been on chemo almost a year. im doing good so far. just dealing with the side effects. i go soon for a pet scan to see where we are with this cancer. im 48 years old and almost died twice but im fighting this with all i have. im very tired but i keep going. i know what you mean about your stomach and your hair its awful. i hate looking in the mirror. im marred ive been married for 23 years . its so hard, marriages usually dont make it. dont feel alone because your not. everyone here understands and they can relative. so feel free to share and vent are whatever because you have support. take care

tears2overcome
Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

Thank you for writing me. I am 49 and still cant understand how this happened to me. I went to all my gyno appts exact a year, kept up with any pains I had an seen my GP or Gyno as soon as possible. Then one day I had severe stomach pains, my GP sent me for a ultrasound, and found a spot they thought maybe polop or cancer. This was before xmas, and I cried so hard I had every nurse call me, and finally had to get emotional meds before surgery. I was operated on two weeks later. I had 36 staples with a north to south incision. I did recover well from that, got up and walked the hospital floor continually day and nite. My staples came out and incision was great. They gave me time to decide if i wanted a port put in or something in my arm, but I chose IV, so tired of being cut open wanted a break from all that.
I am sorry to hear about your trials you definitely a brave woman. Where are your drs,or where you from? My husband caused our separation and i do feel alone at times, want to be snuggled, my hand held and just someone to tell me I look great today when I know I don't at all. How do you do it , look in the mirror, I can't look at myself I am ugly, that is what is in my mind. I am hoping that will pass. I am going to get my hair cut off tomorrow, and going to buy a wig, I refuse to go anywhere when my hair is gone or near gone, I need to feel at least that part of me is whole in a way.......if that makes sense.
Brenda

d.lee
Posts: 31
Joined: Jan 2010

i can relate to every thing you are saying no one really understands how i feel they try but they dont. im in california i go to loma linda med. ctr. they saved my life . i live about forty five min. from there but it is worth the drive becauase it took me so long to find a great dr. i go to chemo once a month and i have to go back in forth all month. to the lab and to the dr. i dont care about the drive because its worth it. ive been through so much this last year and 2008 that being diag. and doing chemo is not so bad. if you could believe that. every thing i went through is so much i couldnt even tell you everything here but i did have a total hesterectomy and i had a tumor they took out. then about a month are two after that i started chemo. i started with carbo/taxol and that nearly killed me. i couldnt handle it. so then i was put on doxil which was much better, it was like night and day. i have a port now ive had it for three months its okay its better than getting stuck all the time because they cant find a vein so its not so painful now, but i hate having it in my body just knowing it is there is a pain . i lost all my hair on the taxol but now that im on doxil its growing back which is great. i cried when my hair was falling out . my eye brows didnt grow all the way back in and my eyelashes grew some but not like before. its great that doxil doesnt take your hair out but nothing is the same. my husband was really great when i was first diag. and in the hospital but know since weve gotten back to some what normal the stress has been really hard on both of us and it is very hard and the only reason i think we are still together is because of our faith in god.its times i want to scream and run away and im sure its hard for him but i just take one day at a time. i dont like going out but i make my self. i dont want to get into depression so i try to somewhat keep going. it is so hard though because im so self concious. i thinkwhen i had surgery i had about 25 stitches down my stomach i know it was a lot. i hope every thing goes well with your hair cut. when theres nothing else you can do laugh!!!

tears2overcome
Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

I live in Nebraska,I was blessed they say, i got one of the top cancer gyno's in Omaha, they said there was only 4 of them across the state. Once I got my staples out and got stronger i was sent to Lincoln to the oncologist who has decided what I need to get better as in treatments.I am on toxdil, and another one. I didn't want a port or another tubing in my upper arm, i just felt I was poked at enough and didn't want another small surgery again. I get the IV when I go until I change my mind. I pray the 6x's are all I need, my mind and body can't stand this, but god bless your heart you've been going thru this for alot longer, and my heart is with you. I was told to drink protien drinks to keep up my strength and should strengthen my hair, boy my hair was looking real nice and first session of chemo it's falling out so fast. I even tried calcium pills anything to keep my hair. Feel like I am living in a bubble at times, dont' go near anyone who has a cold, keep hands sanitized all the time, this and that. I know they say it for my best health possible, but to stay away from so much seems so sad at times for me. Now perhaps I wont mind, losing my hair has made me cry for 3 days now, and I can't find the strength to get over this. I am not sure a wig is my answer, but i know if I don't try and cover my head then I will be embarrased to go out. I had appt with gyno who did the biopsy on me. He said I looked good, told me I should be back to normal doing what I did before, and having sex should start that. Funny I thought to myself is that I have strong urges, no partner and so for the time being I won't be able to tell the doc's whether it hurt or other. I can't get the weight off, but the oncologist doesn't want me to lose weight, he wants me to keep eating healthy. My blood levels are showing normal, I was told i'll have to have more ct scans in order to chart my progress. My separation was my choice, my husband had so many chances to be the man he's cut out to be, but his lies way to much for me. I should say that when I told him about my cancer he's wanted to be part of my recovery. He didn't visit me to much in hospital due to his attachment was way to much, he figured he could be the husband he should have been months before. Anyway, he's been involved with my trips to the doc and went to my one chemo sessions, and wants to go more. I have an hour drive to the cancer centre in lincoln. My husband still holds insurance on me and hes watching everything that is being done for one, and another i think he is trying to make up for what he's done wrong. I do appreciate his friendship in all this, and I doubt it will bring us closer but I know have a better friendship than in last months of marriage. I am returning to church, I figured I could handle this myself,keep my faith close, but now I think it's time for me to return and find what it is I perhaps need.
You are such a strong lady, I am happy to be corresponding with you and appreciate it. I know there is strength in us all, but now I feel weak and beaten at times.
Brenda

d.lee
Posts: 31
Joined: Jan 2010

WOW, YOU LIVE SO FAR AWAY.
I LAUGH WHEN YOU SAY IM SO STRONG BECAUSE IM NO STRONGER THAN YOU. ITS THERE IN YOU TO. I GET MY STRENGTH FROM THE LORD I DRAW OFF OF HIM. IF I WAS DOING IT BY MYSELF I WOULD HAVE NOT GOTTEN THIS FAR. MY STRENGTH COMES FROM HIM. I HAVE TO ASK FOR IT DAILY.
IM REALLY BLESS TO HAVE MET YOU HERE BECAUSE I CAN SEE WE CAN REALLY RELATE TO EACH OTHER DEALING WITH THIS. I UNDERSTAND EVERY THING YOU ARE SAYING . I FEEL BEATEN AND WEAK MORE TIMES THAN I CAN COUNT. I FEEL ALONE A LOT IN THIS BATTLE LIKE NO ONE UNDERSTANDS BUT WHEN I GO ON THIS SITE THERES PEOPLE LIKE YOU WHO DOES AND DOESNT MIND THAT YOU NEED TO VENT AND KNOW THAT THEY UNDERSTAND.
ANY WAY IF YOU DO DECIDE TO GET A PORT ITS NOT SO BAD NOT AS BAD AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE.THERE WAS NO PAIN I WAS KIND OF SLEEP DURING THE WHOLE PROCEDURE I REMEMBER LITTLE, BUT MOST IMPORTANT I WAS NOT IN PAIN. I WAS VERY SCARED I DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO ASPECT. I FELT LIKE YOU I DID NOT WANT TO GET CUT ON ANY MORE I WAS SO TIRED BUT I KNEW I WAS GOING TO BE DOING CHEMO FOR A YEAR SO I KNEW THE DAY WAS COMING BECAUSE SO MANY LAB VISITS AND BRUISES AND COMPLICATIONS. I CRIED AND THEN GOT MY SELF PREPARED BECAUSE I KNEW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE IT BETTER. YOU REALLY GONE ON FROM ALL THIS STUFF BY JUST TAKING ONE DAY AT A TIME. THATS HOW I GET THROUGH IT. LET TOMMORROW WORRY ABOUT IT SELF DEAL WITH TODAY.
MY HUSBAND IS NOT MY SUPPORT, IT HURTS TO SAY THAT BECAUSE AT FIRST HE WAS. KNOW ITS JUST LIKE HE IS GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS, SINCE IM OUT OF IMMEDIATE DANGER NOW. HE DOESNT GO TO MY CHEMO APPTS WITH ME IN LONGER BUT THATS BECAUSE OF ME, BECAUSE A WILL NOT LET HIM. I DONT BELIEVE HE IS SUPPORTING ME ANY LONGER. THATS JUST HOW I FEEL FROM THINGS HE HAS SAID ARE DONE. MY SUPPORT COMES MOSTLY FROM MY DAUGHTER WHO IS 22 AND MY SISTER AND SOME FRIENDS. MY HUSBAND WOULD LIKE TO GO HE DOES ASK ME SOMETIMES BUT I TELL HIM HE IS NOT SUPPORTING ME RIGHT NOW SO I DONT CARE TO HAVE HIM THERE I NEED TO NOT BE UNDER STRESS AT THIS TIME I NEED TO FEEL IM BEING SUPPORTED AND HE SEEMS TO WANT TO CONTROL MORE THAN SUPPORT. I MIGHT BE WRONG BUT AT THIS TIME I DONT CARE IM TAKING CARE OF ME THIS IS ONE TIME I AM GOING TO BE SELFISH I GUESS.
I AM SO GLAD MY HAIR IS GROWING BACK BUT IT IS AT THAT YUCKY STAGE I STILL WEAR WIGS I HATE THEM BUT ITS BETTER THAN NOTHING.SINCE THE HESTERECTOMY I HAVE HOT FLASHES ALL THE TIME. ITS CRAZY, AND I GET SO HOT WITH THE WIGS I WANT TO SNATCH THEM OFF. ANYWAY, SOMETIMES I HAVE TO DRIVE MYSELF TO THE LAB OR DOCTOR ARE EVEN CHEMO BUT MOST OF THE TIME ITS FAMILY BUT SOMETIMES I DO WANT TO GO BY MYSELF . ESPECIALLY IF IM FEELING LIKE A BURDEN. ONE DAY I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO SO I TRY TO DO THINGS MYSELF SOMETIMES. SOMETIMES I WANT TO GO BY MYSELF BECAUSE IM IN A BAD MOOD ARE SOMETHING .
I DONT EVEN HAVE A SEX DRIVE. IF I DO ITS EVERY BLUE MOON. BUT I DONT EVEN WANT TO DEAL WITH THAT BECAUSE OF EVERYTHING LIKE THE PAIN, HOT FLASHES, MOOD CHANGES AND ALL THE OTHER CRAZY STUFF WITH THIS DISEASE I HATE IT I REALLY DO .
SORRY FOR TALKING YOUR HEAD OFF . REALITY SUCKS!

tears2overcome
Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

I am trying to be strong, but days when I cry so hard not sure going to stop. My hair has been the hardest, losing it in past few days has made me into another personality. Combed my hair the other day and a long strand came out and i freaked out called my husband didn't know who else to call,he told me to get on website to get help or find support group in this area. He doesn't know how to help me. I did have a good male friend he went thru the surgery with me, and recovery and during all this my husband [ we are separated year now] went nuts and said some horrible things and now my friend and i aren't really talking. I have prayed he'll come back, but he hasn't yet. I must move on and get thru this. I have no family here I am from Canada, and friends I have dont' know much about how to talk to me or be with me. They were friends we made when together and wives are trying, but you know how that goes. I said going to have to find new friends, ones my age that have been thru life trials of any kind not just what I am going thru.
My husband has been selfish thru some of this but lately as I mentioned he wants to be with me I think maybe it's hope we'll reunite, but that's not going to happen.
Anyway I get warm and then cold but nothing serious, I dont' have mood swings . I am not sure if it's from chemo and the shot afterward or if its some part of surgery/memopause. Right now the IV is put between my little and ring finger and it hurts so bad, but once i settle my hand down on a pillow then i'm okay, until I have to use the ladies room, and not sure if normal but I run to the ladies room so much when I was at chemo. Not sure if it'll be the same next week. I am not the best patient when I go to get chemo, yet all of them are so sweet. I am not mean, it's more like an attitude, just do what you have to do cuz this is one less treatment I have to go through, so hook me up get it going so I can get out of the cancer centre. I know i dont' snap at anyone it's just my attitude..
I don't understand the sexual part of me. Even after my surgery I wanted to be loved so badly, and it's been like this ever since. I mean hearing of the hurt it can cause, I get the idea that lubrication is so much help and mental stimulation does help. I don't know what it'll be like until my life changes. I hold out hope that I will find someone in time that understands and has patience, that will understand this big ugly scar across my big tummy is embarrasing but I still am human being. I feel unless I meet a male cancer patient I will look forward to being alone for many years. I know this is secondary to getting healthy again, getting my hair back, yet it stays in back of my mind. All of this does , how in the heck did we all end up this way, why? I know an answer that I'll never get but it's still there and for me always will be.
I do walk, and before all this was walking 6 miles a day, now i'm only built up to 45 mins and my stomach muscles still have much pain, the doc said being bruised badly it'll take time. I get out and walk, tears or no tears, and keep my head so no one can see the tears streaming down my face, by the time I'm done walking the tears have stopped. I have appt to get my hair cut off tonite, will bawl my eyes out again. For days now all I do is cry over my hair, I am not sure if I'll ever get over it. I picked out a wig that resembles my hair, hoping that will help me get over all this. I have my doubts but if I dont' wear it I won't be going out.** I am lucky/blessed to have met you, think the good lord gave me someone in you to provide me the strength that is needed, so thank you for writing***
Brenda

d.lee
Posts: 31
Joined: Jan 2010

i feel so bad for you, but im praying for you everyday.i know its so lonely sometimes i mean i married and my husbands here but at times im very lonely. sometimes i wish he was more sensitive to my needs and patient. its really good that you can walk like that its sounds like it helps especially with stress.
you will find some one when you least expect it when your not looking is when it happens concentrate on getting well and feeling good about who you are and it will happen.
thats what i believe.
i dont know how we ended up here either i feel like im sleeping and when i wake this will all be a dream.

god bless and take care,

diane

tears2overcome
Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

You are a wonderful lady with so much insight how lucky I am to have you come into my life, thank you Diane for walking with me on this.
When the time comes for me to meet someone I will i suppose but right now I feel ugly and not very inner attractive, so how can i be that to someone else or have someone else feel attracted me me. I can't even stop crying over my hair. I went to the salon last nite to get my hair cut, I couldn't look in mirror , begged her not to use a comb and just take chunks and hack them off. She asked me to let her use a comb to at least style and make sure even, and I gave in, and so the tears came out like I opened a gate. I think need to back and have it cut shorter today.
I know what you mean about feeling lonely in relationship when married, have been there myself. Then having to wake up in the morning right now and see myself, how did this happen, how did I turn out to be so unhappy and hardly laugh anymore? How did I get to this point..... I am selfish and want answers all the time....and no one can help me not even me. Do you still laugh Diane?
I got information on a wig, and tried to get one that is close to my hair. It's made with real hair, and say one can curl it and do fun things with it. It doesnt' make me whole, it only covers up what embarrasment I would have if I went without one, does that make sense.
Diane i hope we keep writing, you are so wonderful and really are a strong woman from what I see. Your words are strong as I read them.
Look forward to your kind words. Brenda

d.lee
Posts: 31
Joined: Jan 2010

YES BRENDA I DO STILL LAUGH. SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO BECAUSE IT LETS SO MUCH OUT JUST LIKE CRYING IT MAKES YOU FEEL OK FOR A MINUTE BUT CRYING KIND OF MAKES YOU EXAULTED.SOMETIMES WHEN THINGS ARE SO CRAZY AND ONE THING HAPPENS AFTER ANOTHER YOU JUST HAVE TO STOP AND LAUGH. IT DOES HELP BECAUSE YOU REALLY DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO SOMETIMES. ITS LIKE TAKING A DEEP BREATH.
I HAVE 3 OR 4 WIGS SO I CHANGE UP I JUST THROW ONE ON WHEN I GO OUT. I MISS MY HAIR SO MUCH . IM SCARED THAT THE DR. IS GOING TO CHANGE MY CHEMO AND MY HAIR IS GOING TO FALL OUT ALL OVER AGAIN ITS SO DEPRESSING. I HAVE A REAL HAIR WIG BUT IM SO NOT INTO LOOKING IN THE MIRROR VERY LONG SO I LIKE THE EASY ONES THAT YOU JUST THROW ON AND GO. IM THINKING ABOUT BUYING A COUPLE MORE.
I HAVENT BEEN FEELING VERY GOOD THE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS. THE SIDE EFFECTS ARE REALLY HITTING ME HARD NOW .IM ACHEY ALL THE TIME, SWOLLEN HANDS AND FEET ,MY MUSCLES AND BONES ARE HURTING SO BAD A LOT OF THE TIME, ESPECIALLY AT NIGHT. NOW I HAVE TO TAKE MEDICATION FOR PAIN 2 OR 3 TIMES A NITE I DONT SLEEP VERY WELL SO IM UP A LOT. ANOTHER DAY OF COMPLAINING FOR ME.

YOU ARE MAKING A LOT OF SENSE TO ME. BELIEVE ME I UNDERSTAND ABOUT GOING OUT I REALLY HAVE TO GET IN THE MOOD TO HANDLE GOING OUT ITS NOT EASY.

THANK YOU FOR THE COMPLIMENTS I APPRECIATE IT VERY MUCH

DIANE

tears2overcome
Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

First let me say that I am sorry for your pain. I am here if you need me,pls I mean that.
I am not looking forward to my chemo and nuelasta shot next week, how 3 weeks does go by when one is not looking forward to an event such as this,other times 3 weeks drags on when waiting for the good events.
Well today was my third trip to the hairdresser, and hopefully no more. Little by little she cut off my hair letting me get used to being so short.....a boy has longer hair than me.... makes me upset. I lost between 12-14" of hair in these few days, and I hate the way I look. Infact I put off grocery shopping until around 11 tonite so no one will see me or bump into someone and have to explain why I look like crap.... I don't usually like walmart but thankful for this situation they stay open 24hrs so I can get a few things. I am like you dont want to look in mirror, don't want to have to accept how ugly I am and how its going to get worse. My wig should be here next week, it's real hair, one I can curl maybe or put up like i used to do. I hope I like it, and it likes me. I cant afford many wigs, so this one is going to have to be it. I took a pic of myself with hair, and I hate having my pic taken, detest it actually. I did the best I could with the photo, not sure i'll look at ever again but if I ever get over this and want to see me with hair, then I at least have it. I will pray you will not lose your new growth you have been thru enough.
I haven't laughed in such a long time,maybe it's the people around me are skiddish don't know if they should laugh with me, that is what I meant about finding new friends. I used to laugh so hard all the time, nothing was left alone while I was around, crack a joke about anything and everything, in good taste of course. My soon to be ex told me about a month ago that I don't laugh anymore and he was right even tho he made me mad. I got my staples out was just getting back to walking again, was constipated on colace twice a day to make something work and got such a bad bladder infection that the doc was concerned the meds I was on would take more cycles.....and I wasn't laughing....gee how wrong of me.
I'll be honest not sure if i'll get back to being me, will this change me so much I'll be afraid to be me again? Right now I think that's true, this has changed me emotionally to a point where I may never be the same. Physically as well, besides having the usual female stretch marks and scars from galbladder removal few years ago, I know have this big tummy scar that is gross and I am afraid that i'll always be embarrased of it and my body. I am not a skinny chick and with the way I can't lose weight I can only see more frustrations for me along the way.
I hope your feeling a bit better as the nite wears on, I only have a few more hours before I'll set foot outside .... Look forward to hearing from you......brenda

tears2overcome
Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

First let me say that I am sorry for your pain. I am here if you need me,pls I mean that.
I am not looking forward to my chemo and nuelasta shot next week, how 3 weeks does go by when one is not looking forward to an event such as this,other times 3 weeks drags on when waiting for the good events.
Well today was my third trip to the hairdresser, and hopefully no more. Little by little she cut off my hair letting me get used to being so short.....a boy has longer hair than me.... makes me upset. I lost between 12-14" of hair in these few days, and I hate the way I look. Infact I put off grocery shopping until around 11 tonite so no one will see me or bump into someone and have to explain why I look like crap.... I don't usually like walmart but thankful for this situation they stay open 24hrs so I can get a few things. I am like you dont want to look in mirror, don't want to have to accept how ugly I am and how its going to get worse. My wig should be here next week, it's real hair, one I can curl maybe or put up like i used to do. I hope I like it, and it likes me. I cant afford many wigs, so this one is going to have to be it. I took a pic of myself with hair, and I hate having my pic taken, detest it actually. I did the best I could with the photo, not sure i'll look at ever again but if I ever get over this and want to see me with hair, then I at least have it. I will pray you will not lose your new growth you have been thru enough.
I haven't laughed in such a long time,maybe it's the people around me are skiddish don't know if they should laugh with me, that is what I meant about finding new friends. I used to laugh so hard all the time, nothing was left alone while I was around, crack a joke about anything and everything, in good taste of course. My soon to be ex told me about a month ago that I don't laugh anymore and he was right even tho he made me mad. I got my staples out was just getting back to walking again, was constipated on colace twice a day to make something work and got such a bad bladder infection that the doc was concerned the meds I was on would take more cycles.....and I wasn't laughing....gee how wrong of me.
I'll be honest not sure if i'll get back to being me, will this change me so much I'll be afraid to be me again? Right now I think that's true, this has changed me emotionally to a point where I may never be the same. Physically as well, besides having the usual female stretch marks and scars from galbladder removal few years ago, I know have this big tummy scar that is gross and I am afraid that i'll always be embarrased of it and my body. I am not a skinny chick and with the way I can't lose weight I can only see more frustrations for me along the way.
I hope your feeling a bit better as the nite wears on, I only have a few more hours before I'll set foot outside .... Look forward to hearing from you......brenda

d.lee
Posts: 31
Joined: Jan 2010

i know getting a hair cut because of cancer sucks. i feel for you, but your not alone if that helps. i feel your pain. i know what you mean about chemo it comes around so fast you dont even get to catch your breath and its time again . i missed my last chemo for february i was kind of glad because im so tired but i missed it because i wasnt feeling well that day. my next chemo is march 24 and im ready, ready to start the fight again.

that is a good question will we get back to being ourselves ? im not sure. i told a friend that i have changed that i am not the same and she said you havent changed. i said to her yes i have you just dont know im not the same anymore its kind of made me a little angry. i told her to just ask my sister are my husband and they will tell her because they are around me almost everyday. what we are going through changes you. the pain, the reality of this disease, the anger the fear, the ups and downs all of it changes you . you even look at things differently and somtimes your mental state can change. its so much that can change you dealing with this.
im not a skinny person either but im not going to complain because i lost so much weight before i was diagnosed. i was so thin and then after surgery i lost more weight so now i am gaining weight back and its coming on so fast. every time i go back to the doctor ive gained another 10 pds but i dont care because i dont ever want to be that thin again. i should care but im trying to deal with this beast called cancer its taking all my energy. i have scars all over my stomach from surgeries and everything else they have done. i call them my war scars because i have been in WAR, thats what it feels like so they are my WAR SCARS!
i am feeling a little better today but the stiffness and musle aches are always there. i hope everything goes well. im always praying for you.

best wishes, diane

tears2overcome
Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

I'm trying to prepare myself for morning church with my hair the way it is. I am sad to think that ppl will stare at me, and it's already making me feel uncomfortable. I told myself I was going and have asked my soon to be ex to go with me, help me get thru it as Im catholic and going to try a methodist church. After tomorrow he wont' go again with me, he's been thru the church stuff and only doing it for cuz of my hair, if I had hair he'd probably tell me no. Most of my friends say they go to church but not sure they'd include me in on thier family time. I wouldn't intrude.
My weight has remained the same, and I think getting worse. The oncologist said he didn't want me to lose weight but i'm not sure he meant pack it on either. Watching what I eat, but my mid section is pathetic and like bread dough keeps rising and rising.... ( smile)
I have changed and my friend Carol was visting me tonite and agreed I have. She also had uterine cancer but it never escaped the uterous, and she had lymph nodes and full baby oven removal and no treatments after...anyway she said i have changed and should try and get myself back....... not sure if i ever will. I still have the kindness and love for everyone but i dont' laugh, don't find anything the least bit funny, I am so self absorbed it's terrible.I dont'know how to get passed this. Shes not the only one that thinks I should get back to normal, few friends think I should date, how is that possible I wonder to myself. I know that I am Brenda first and if need be and things get serious then it's me with cancer cells, how is anyone going to feel about that.....i can see them running for hills already.
I am not sure ready for anything anymore including smiles that would only be forced for the situation. I pray God can give me the answers my heart is seeking.
Do you work Diane? I was working and laid off in november the decision to go forward with my divorce came few days after and was getting papers and stuff organized and then I got sickly and diagnosed. Now I am trying to find work, and it's hard. Had a job interview on thursday part time, great hours and then I was honest about what I am going thru,and the look on her face and she jumped right into health insurance and pre existing conditions and not be eligible and I stopped her , and said I want to go back to work, the hours are perfect and I don't need health insurance etc, explained my husband has it.... I doubt I'll ever hear back from them again. I felt so horrible when left the interview.
Wig arrives monday or tuesday, I am hoping it is what I need to overcome some of my insecurities.
You always have some joy in your letters, I hope to have that one day soon, thanx for hanging in there with me....some days are very lonely, ...... Brenda

d.lee
Posts: 31
Joined: Jan 2010

brenda, we are hanging in there for each other. you are there for me just as much as i am for u. just knowing there is some one that i can relate to or knows what im dealing with helps alot. im really hoping that your wig doesnt disappoint u. u know what, u just have to decide to make the best of it. if you get lemons make lemonade(as they say). i think thats what we are going to have to do alot in the situation we are in .

i do not work (thank god),especially now i cant even if i wanted to. i worked all my life until about 2004 i havent worked since then. my work history was on and off i stopped when i got pregnant with my daughter then when she was 5 i went back to work then i got laid off in 2000 then i didnt work until about 2003 then after that i started having back problems too so i quit my job and i did foster care for a year. i fostered two children they were siblings age 2 and 4. after that i have not work since.

i do not go to church. i know i should but i dont. i just feel like everyones looking at me and i just dont feel confident enough i guess with the way that i feel, i look like CANCER is written all over me and i dont WANT any one feeling sorry for me or you know looking at me weird, i dont know! I GUESS IM JUST NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO TACKLE THAT.
im glad to hear your going to go it will strengthen you, the hard part is getting there. thats good your husband is going to support you. my husband would go if i asked him but i havent found the courage to go. he does go sometimes without me but not very often.

brenda im so scared my doctor is going to say OK, YOU CAN STOP GAINING WEIGHT NOW! your getting to big now i dread going and stepping on the scale its so embarrassing . my mid section has always been a problem now with the war scars its pathetic too. but i can say it has been worse than this.
brenda u really sound like a sweet and caring person. it makes me smile. thank u for that .

praying for u,
DIANE

tears2overcome
Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

Wrote a letter earlier, not sure what happened to it...if it shows up later there is 2 from me.......
I cried again this morning as I got out of shower and my hair in drain. I got myself ready for church and went. Pastor wanted congregation to shake hands, I felt uncomfortable, it's like negative attention, thinking ppl were staring at my hair. I seem to be losing it more on left side and now I think back. I tried to make it nice by blow drying it, and still felt very sad and unhappy. I am not sure what I asked God for today, other than to help unclog my confused mind a bit. I think will need more sundays so i can clear up so many other things.
Weight thing, I am know how you feel. I get weighed each time for chemo and I turn my back, dont' want to know not now or ever. Scars i am ashamed of how I look, everyone tells me it's nothing, dont' worry, no one sees it, yah I know that, but maybe one day I might be lucky enough to be intimate and then what run for hills is exactly what he may do.
I was going to try sit ups, my stomach still is sore with bruised muscles and not sure how it'll be. Believe me I feel as you do, in so many ways.
I've decided that my friends are not as attentive to me as they used to be, not that I require so much attention but at least check and see how I am. Certainly need different friends, thankfully I have met you,and so appreciate it. You also sound very sweet and grounded, I sure enjoy your letters.
Brenda

d.lee
Posts: 31
Joined: Jan 2010

that was my biggest fear about going to church. i didnt want to have to shake hands the pastor asks that we do that and i really dont want to because of my hands they look so bad. with the chemo i am on they are very dark they look like they are burnt. this chemo effects the skin u also get this side effect called hand and foot syndrome so i really dont want to shake hands im to embarassed. i feel like people are looking at me. i feel like cancer is written across my fore head are something. im just not ready to tackle that yet i guess.
its hard to be around people. im so glad u went to church. u might not feel it but u get strength from it.
when my hair came out it came out in big clumps. i got a brush and i brushed and brushed until it was practially all out then i got scissors and cut the patches that was left i cried the whole time.
hang in there,this to will pass.

take care and stay strong

tears2overcome
Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

Good Morning Diane,
Something else I have to think about or worry about, hand and feet syndrome. I hate to shake anyone's hands, let alone now with hair issue and before that I hid my hands as they show age so badly, think got my mother's hands. Wrinkles around my knuckles like a chinese sharpe' dog has around thier neck... [ smile ] I try and get my nails done when I can afford it to try and make me feel better, which went along with my hair getting done, guess I'll save some money there. Oh my goodness I could never sit and brush my hair the way you did,I am such a baby. You are so brave I am so proud to know you, really I am you have accepted and stronger about this than i'll ever be.
I do plan on going back to church and hopefully again this sunday. Last time i had the shot nuelasta I couldn't do anything for 5 days and that included the sunday, hopefully have an easier time this time. I have had sore joints , bones thru the nite; not sure I understand all the body changes. I read this and that and I get worried, or concerned, drives me crazy. My teeth hurt, and I lost a filling in my back tooth. I have a few teeth that didn't take to root canal many years ago, thankfully the spaces cant really be seen as they are at the side, but I am afraid now my teeth are going to crumble and fall out like my hair. All these fears, make me sick just thinking of them. I am sure can come up with more as the days wear on.
I didnt sleep well and havn't decided to go back to sleep or get out and walk before ppl really start getting out.
What city do you live in? .Brenda

tears2overcome
Posts: 98
Joined: Jan 2010

Good Morning Diane,
Something else I have to think about or worry about, hand and feet syndrome. I hate to shake anyone's hands, let alone now with hair issue and before that I hid my hands as they show age so badly, think got my mother's hands. Wrinkles around my knuckles like a chinese sharpe' dog has around thier neck... [ smile ] I try and get my nails done when I can afford it to try and make me feel better, which went along with my hair getting done, guess I'll save some money there. Oh my goodness I could never sit and brush my hair the way you did,I am such a baby. You are so brave I am so proud to know you, really I am you have accepted and stronger about this than i'll ever be.
I do plan on going back to church and hopefully again this sunday. Last time i had the shot nuelasta I couldn't do anything for 5 days and that included the sunday, hopefully have an easier time this time. I have had sore joints , bones thru the nite; not sure I understand all the body changes. I read this and that and I get worried, or concerned, drives me crazy. My teeth hurt, and I lost a filling in my back tooth. I have a few teeth that didn't take to root canal many years ago, thankfully the spaces cant really be seen as they are at the side, but I am afraid now my teeth are going to crumble and fall out like my hair. All these fears, make me sick just thinking of them. I am sure can come up with more as the days wear on.
I didnt sleep well and havn't decided to go back to sleep or get out and walk before ppl really start getting out.
What city do you live in? .Brenda

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