Caregiver Dealing with Family of loved One

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Cinammo
Cinammo Member Posts: 3
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My friend was recently dx with mestactic cancer. She came home from the hospital a week ago and has steadily gone down hill. She is very special too me and I was asked to care for her 5 hours a day. Another friend cares for the other 5 hours of the day. All of this has happened extremely fast and has everyone pretty much off balance. My frustration is not with my friend who is dying but with her family. My friend no longer wants to eat or drink. Her family who are in the denial stage of grief believe she is just going to get better. So the are constantly harping on her that she has to eat and drink. This cancer is in her liver, brain, lung, and bones. She can barely walk anymore and uses a walker if she has to walk. My friend told me yesterday I don't want to eat or drink. Her family does not get it and dealing with them is driving me crazy. Another thing is before they discovered she had cancer they had stated she had a stroke. Myself and another friend took her to therapy and all of her appointments. When she was hospitilized this last time we were listed as her carepartners in the hospital, but when they found out the scope and nature of the cancer they took us off and would not tell us much of anything. We were very hurt. Now since she is back at home they once again look to us to take care of her. Which is fine. Her husband tells her I can't lose you or I will die. When she tells us this in private tears stream from her eyes. I guess this is more of a vent than anything. Any suggestions for dealing with the family would be helpful. I feel I am getting through this fairly well, although exhausting emotionally and physically I am ok.

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  • AnnaLeigh
    AnnaLeigh Member Posts: 187 Member
    #2
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    Acceptance vs Denial
    Cinammo,

    You are a very dear and compassionate friend to be taking on the physical and emotional care of someone who is in this condition, especially if you are also helping her through the transition of her last stages of life. Dealing with people who are in denial was one of the hardest problems I have had to understand as a caregiver.

    When I took a step back, I realized that all of the family members and friends who surround us are in different stages of learning how to cope with such a drastic and dire prognosis. I could compare it to our learning years in school. Some people are still in kindergarten and they do not understand what living with cancer means and certainly cannot see the big picture. Others are in elementary school, having learned what cancer means but they are more concerned with how it will effect them and do not have a clue about the patient. The remainder are in high school and have more knowledge, but are unable to look at the future because it is too scary.

    You have already graduated, with honors, emotionally and mentally and are ready to deal with any circumstances that arise not matter how harsh or painful. It may take many, many years for any one else to catch up to the reality of the situation that you have already accepted and I truly believe there are a few who will never comprehend.

    You will have many beautiful memories of the time spent with your friend where she could be open and honest with you about her feelings. She will have peace and relief that at least one person by her side truly listened and understood without pressuring her to change or to be someone different (without cancer) just so they could be happy and carefree.

    You are an angel in disguise,

    AnnaLeigh
  • Cinammo
    Cinammo Member Posts: 3
    #3
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    AnnaLeigh said:

    Acceptance vs Denial
    Cinammo,

    You are a very dear and compassionate friend to be taking on the physical and emotional care of someone who is in this condition, especially if you are also helping her through the transition of her last stages of life. Dealing with people who are in denial was one of the hardest problems I have had to understand as a caregiver.

    When I took a step back, I realized that all of the family members and friends who surround us are in different stages of learning how to cope with such a drastic and dire prognosis. I could compare it to our learning years in school. Some people are still in kindergarten and they do not understand what living with cancer means and certainly cannot see the big picture. Others are in elementary school, having learned what cancer means but they are more concerned with how it will effect them and do not have a clue about the patient. The remainder are in high school and have more knowledge, but are unable to look at the future because it is too scary.

    You have already graduated, with honors, emotionally and mentally and are ready to deal with any circumstances that arise not matter how harsh or painful. It may take many, many years for any one else to catch up to the reality of the situation that you have already accepted and I truly believe there are a few who will never comprehend.

    You will have many beautiful memories of the time spent with your friend where she could be open and honest with you about her feelings. She will have peace and relief that at least one person by her side truly listened and understood without pressuring her to change or to be someone different (without cancer) just so they could be happy and carefree.

    You are an angel in disguise,

    AnnaLeigh

    That helped!
    AnnaLeigh,

    Thank you for your kind words. It helps me to know that this is common place in families who have loved ones with cancer. I felt so frustrated thinking ok, is it just this family or are there others that act this way. Your response helped me to see that this is normal. Which is great relief! Having never dealt with a cancer patient before I was confused over the actions of others. Yesterday she had a doc apt. with the Oncologist. He, at the direction of her daughter encouraged her to eat and gave her a bolus of fluid. I think I will print your response and paste it on the wall for encouragement. You do not know how much your words effect my soul!

    Thank you!
  • snugles
    snugles Member Posts: 6
    #4
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    Cinammo said:

    That helped!
    AnnaLeigh,

    Thank you for your kind words. It helps me to know that this is common place in families who have loved ones with cancer. I felt so frustrated thinking ok, is it just this family or are there others that act this way. Your response helped me to see that this is normal. Which is great relief! Having never dealt with a cancer patient before I was confused over the actions of others. Yesterday she had a doc apt. with the Oncologist. He, at the direction of her daughter encouraged her to eat and gave her a bolus of fluid. I think I will print your response and paste it on the wall for encouragement. You do not know how much your words effect my soul!

    Thank you!

    Stay strong!
    It is so hard for us the family to cope. you, like I are a blessing to not only the patient but their families. I the youngest of 3 caring for my father is what helps me to cope. I do not want to fall apart or hurt like my mother and siblings do watching my father go through his trials and ailments.

    although i do not get much support from the rest of my family, i now understand and accept that i am in a better emotional and mental state then they are. they are the ones that are not facing facts and getting their closure, where i am. they will not be able to say they did all they could, i will. i am not mad at them...i feel so sorry for all of them! i would hate to be the one to say i wish i would have done...anything.

    although with my mom...i feel so terrible that denial can settle into someone so strong that its like an dealing with an alzheimer's patient. i have had to tell my mom on 2 occasions that her husband will not survive this when i was the one with her the first time the doctor told her

    just pray for them and urself and feel wonderful about what you are able to accomplish for your friend

    just like i am proud to be the one to take care of my father.
    i am only 32

    best of luck to you
    and if you dont hear it enough...you are doing a good job and an awesome thing!!!!

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