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Nearing the end - how do I cope

rwelch
Posts: 3
Joined: Feb 2010

How did you all cope with the end. My husband has seven brain mets. In December we found out that the whole brain raditaion is not working. He is now close to the end and I am sitting here crying. I am supposed to leave on Thursday to watch our son graduate bootcamp. I feel guilty even though my husband has made it very clear that he wants me to go.

My kids were here this weekend and they left about 11am. I've been crying since then.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

There is no magic way to cope. Somehow we just do it, each in his/her own way. If your husband wants you to attend your son's graduation and you know that your husband will be well cared for in your absence, go. If you need to ask your doctor for medication to help you cope, do that, too. Crying is not a bad thing. Cry when you need to. Now is also a good time to ask for support from family and friends. Can someone check in on your husband and visit for awhile when you are gone? As you probably know, my husband died in Oct., 2009. I have some idea of what you are going through. This is a time when you just feel so helpless. You can't stop the disease or the final outcome. You are doing the best you can to be there for your husband and family. It's not easy. Coping with the death of your husband is not easy either. Mourning is hard work. It takes time, but you will cope. You have it in you to face your new normal. Loving someone has both its rewards and its pain. For me the rewards far outweighed the pain of saying goodbye. Take care, Fay.

FlDino
Posts: 11
Joined: Nov 2009

I lost my wife 31 days ago and I still have bursts of tears 3-5 times a day. Don't take much. After 23 and a half years married, plus 1 living together before, you think you both will go on forever, or at least go together. My wife was all the world to me, my every reason for being, now she's gone. I still go on though I don't want to. Being alone after all that time is so painful, so empty, but somehow I'm doing it.

If he says go to boot camp, go, but think about how your son might feel as well. Will he understand if you go see him and leave dad? Will he understand if you were to stay home? Tough choice. The rest...even knowing the end is coming you fool yourself into thinking it's OK, that knowing makes it easier. It doesn't.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Just checking in to see how your weekend went, and let you know that I am still thinking of you as you face this difficult time. Don't forget to use this board for support. You can also PM me whenever you like. Fay

FlDino
Posts: 11
Joined: Nov 2009

Weekend was like any other day so far. Mornings eat me up as I drive around 4 hours to do my route. She is all that is in my head other than what I'm doing route-wise. Once I get home and get busy I'm usually Ok. Just takes one fleeting memory and whoosh comes the tears. The outbursts are getting shorter however. That in itself makes me feel bad, like I shouldn't be feeling OK at all.

The lonliness and pain will be forever for there will not be anybody else. I will survive as long as I will but not because I will do anything to help it along. I know she's here with me as I capture her spirit orbs all the time on my video camera. I will be going through the motions until I can be with her again.

Thanks for your concern.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Keeping busy seems to be my best option. I have many friend who keep tabs on me. I am planning some travel. I, too, feel that there will not be anyone else. We were married for 42 years. I know, however, to never say never. I have friends who both lost spouses to cancer. Neither was looking for or expecting another chance at love. Would you believe that they actually met at the cemetery? They kept seeing each other there. Then they happened to end up in a grief group together. Life can take strange turns at times.

As far as feeling like you shouldn't feel ok at times, we do need to find ways to move forward. I have children and granddaughters. I need to celebrate their achievements in life. They have already lost their father and grandfather. I need to be fully present for them. Take care, Fay

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

How are you doing? Did you attend your son's graduation or is that this week? I hope all is going as well as possible. I just wanted to check in. Fay

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