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Feeling incredibly sad :(

A1pena's picture
A1pena
Posts: 93
Joined: Jan 2010

My mom was diagnosed with USPC a couple weeks ago and is undergoing a radical hysterectomy this Monday at UCSF. I just feel so incredibly sad and overwhelmed at the whole thing. She is only 58 and I can not imagine my life without her. I try to be strong around her but I just cant help but cry. The long road ahead is just so daunting and i dont want to see her in any pain. I have decided to move back home so i will be able to help her through this but I am worried that I wont be able to keep it together. I just love her so much- I dont know what to do. I had envisioned so much more time with her :( I know i should just be focusing on helping her fight this but the more i read about this ugly cancer the less confident i feel...

Amanda

Northwoodsgirl
Posts: 201
Joined: Oct 2009

I am so sorry to hear of your Mom's new diagnosis. It is one that those of us on this site understand intimately.
It is natural to feel sad. Your mother needs you for support now more than ever before.

Hopefully you have friends and family or spritual counsel that you can confide in. Check out the Caregivers site on this site and the Emotional Support section.

Knowledge is power...so learn about the cancer and its treatment options. Know that you are not alone. Cancer affects the whole family not only the person with the diagnosis. People care more than you know. Take it one day at a time---don't look too far ahead. Check out the Women's Cancer Network online. ((((HUGS))))
Lori

daisy366's picture
daisy366
Posts: 1493
Joined: Mar 2009

It sounds like you are having anticipatory grief - thinking of your mother as dying or dead and sad at life without her.

Well, I'm with your mom - I have stage 3a UPSC and, yes, this is a nasty disease - ...BUT, both your mom and me and many others are still very much alive. Please don't bury us yet -

I think emotions can be contagious. So, I suggest you enjoy your mother and help your mother by distracting her from her illness when necessary. Be grateful she is here TODAY because TODAY and this moment is all that any of us have. Build memories that you will both enjoy.

Blessings to you and your mom. PS. Check out the NCCN.com website for treatment protocol. There is alot being done in this field.

Mary Ann

kkstef's picture
kkstef
Posts: 706
Joined: May 2008

Amanda, I am so sorry to hear about your dear Mom. She is so lucky to have a daughter who cares about her so deeply. Yes, this is truly the time your Mom needs you, but don't forget about YOU too! It is perfectly normal to feel so sad and overwhelmed so don't discount what you are feeling. But you don't have to do this alone...there are lots of folks out there to help and you find them in the unsuspecting places!

Right now the best thing you can do is to learn a LOT about the specifics of your Mom's diagnosis. What type, grade and stage....that will dictate the treatment that she will have. Go with her to appointments and write down things (also, go armed with questions). It is so hard to remember what we are told when we are stressed, etc.

Check out the American cancer Society and another resources in your community. The Social Worker at the hospital should have some good resources to suggest....ask to see her. Many times the gyn oncologist has a nurse practitioner who is a wealth of information AND support!

Ask questions....find time to enjoy being with your Mom....laugh....and take some time EVERY day to NOT think about Cancer! Just one step at a time. And of course, ask all of the questions you want on this website... we are all here to help in any way that we can.

HUGS and best wishes to you and your Mom!

Karen

Caradavin's picture
Caradavin
Posts: 27
Joined: Jan 2010

I think that you sound like a wonderful daughter. You took time to reseach, too, and that is some scary stuff you looked through. What bravery! I'm new here and don't know exactly what is right to say, but I know that she appreciates your support and needs it. It is amazing how something can make us realize that we need to do more in less time, or at least it feels that way. Like someone else said, don't bury anyone yet. The diagnosis is not a death sentence anymore. There is so much technology and medicine that the chances of survival are much higher. Being realistic is fine, but don't forget that your main goal is to be there with mom. This is not just for her, but for you, too. You have a chance to do and say the things you might never have before. I know that the facts will loom behind you like a lurking shadow, but I've learned to acknowledge them and swallow that lump so that I can enjoy my day. I don't know if that helps, and I definitely am not trying to minimize your experience in any way because this IS difficult for you.

thank you
Posts: 77
Joined: Jun 2009

Amanda,

You are exactly were I was almost 2 years ago.
Please wait, please.
First, her stage might be early - high possibilities for cure.
Second: You are with her, and you will be with her all the time. It is difficult - I KNOW IT!!!
I KNOW IT, I wish I didn't.
I was down to the hell 2 years ago, when my mom was diagnosed with stage 3C cancer. To make things worse:
1. we are originally from Greece and mom should go there for treatment - she has no insurance here
2. I had just given birth to my daughter, I was training in Rheumatology and had no vacation time to be with her during the treatment.
3. I was guilty: my mom was bleeding for 5 months. We called her GYN in Greece and he said not to worry. She had similar episodes in the past and the biopsy showed only hyperplasia. So I did not ask for a second opinion. I kept my mom here, for 5 months, to help me with my newborn, believing this irresponsible doctor. What makes it worse? I am a physician my self, I could very well ask one of my colleagues. I did not. I don't know why. Denial?

So, you can imagine the misery I felt in June of 2008!. My brother is also here in USA, so my parents would be all alone.

BUT, listen to what happened:
1. Mom went to Greece, and had a very good care from physicians that graduated in USA and came back to Greece.

2. The program I was trained gave me 3 months of "away elective". I could go to a University hospital in Greece and work on the rheumatology department, and this would count for them, so I could still graduate on time (If I didnt graduate on time, I could not stay in USA)

3. Still feel guilty, but for the last 2 years, mom is most of the time with me. We have become so close to each other. She is attached to my daughter and my daughter LOVES her grandma!!! She lost weight, she exercises, and she is happily waiting for her second grandchild - I am pregnant 10 weeks.

My mom never knew the whole truth. That's another big story and conspiracy between me, my brother and the Greek doctors. When we have follow up appointments, she finds out that same day, so she doesn't lose her sleep. I am planning to move back to Greece in a couple of years.

A dear friend of mine who lost her mother from ovarian cancer told me: Don't cry for her as if she was dead. She is alive, here with you, enjoy.

There will be a day that this all will just be an almost forgotten nightmare,

Be strong
Chrysoula

norma2's picture
norma2
Posts: 486
Joined: Aug 2009

I just turned 60 and had my surgery in Oct/2009. Stage IIIC. I have been receiving treatments and otherwise leading a normal life. I thought I would share that just the sound of my daughter's voice makes me feel better. When she calls (she was deployed to Iraq the week after my surgery and came home today.) it lifts my spirit.

Your Mom is lucky to have a good daughter like you. And like the others said enjoy your time with her. Laugh and just enjoy the being there of the moment. Really all anyone has is today. Don't waste today worrying about tomorrow. Norma

kkstef's picture
kkstef
Posts: 706
Joined: May 2008

Hi Norma...how wonderful that your daughter is back home...and hoping this is PERMANENT! I can't imagine the angst that both of you have experienced what with her being deployed the week after your surgery.

You are SOOOO right...all we have is TODAY.... make the most of it!!

Karen

Ro10's picture
Ro10
Posts: 1483
Joined: Jan 2009

What you are feeling is very normal. Your Mom is very lucky to have such a caring daughter. As was said above, you need to take care of yourself too. Being there for your Mom will be very emotional. Letting your Mom see you cry is not all that bad, unless you are crying all the time. It lets your Mom know that you do care for her. As others have said, enjoy the time you have together. Make some good memories. Enjoy each day as it comes. Becoming informed about treatments will help you support your Mom. Good luck to both of you. In peace and caring.

Songflower's picture
Songflower
Posts: 632
Joined: Apr 2009

Everyone has given such good advice what can I say? Maybe some of us tear easier than others. Sometimes when I was in treatment I would look at my beautiful daughters face's and cry.

My father lived five years with colon cancer. We have so many wonderful memories of him. Your mother is here today and just enjoy the day. She may surprise you and do very well. Unfortunately my husband and I learned that surfing the internet can give you some very depressing feelings as there does not seem to be a lot of positive information out there. Sometimes you have to learn what you can and limit your time on the internet as it can make you feel worse. Most of the research on serous uterine cancer is just occuring now and not even on the internet.

She is alive today. Enjoy every moment. And take care of yourself while you help her. You have to make a little time for yourself too. What a wonderful daughter you are!

A1pena's picture
A1pena
Posts: 93
Joined: Jan 2010

thank you all for your thoughtful replies. I plan to respond individually a little later. Mom is in surgery now- thoughts and prayers please!!

I find so much strength in all of your stories and share them with my mom often for encouragement.

talk soon,

amanda

ro_NJ
Posts: 11
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi Amanda... best of luck with the surgery I hope everything turns out well. I agree with the other ladies - attitude is everything - try to keep positive and be there for your mother. I think we all need to go through a roller coaster of emotions when someone we love is ill, the guilt, should I have done more, can I do more, etc. As everyone says - just be there for her. It's the best you can do. I find that everyone on this site is so supportive. We've all experienced this ugly disease and can still smile through it. Hang in there - things will get better.

thank you
Posts: 77
Joined: Jun 2009

Please let us know how is your mom.

My thoughts are with you.

Chrysoula

A1pena's picture
A1pena
Posts: 93
Joined: Jan 2010

Thank you for the kind thoughts! Mom gave us quite a scare!!!! Well first- she was supposed to get the da vinci surgery but then two days before, they decided to change it to full abdominal- which was probably a blessing in disguise since they had to remove so many lymph nodes. The Surgeon said her lymph nodes were "sticky" and close to a lot of blood vessels so she lost a lot of blood. When they did the transfusion she had a nasty allergic reaction (anaphylactic shock)so her body pretty much shut down in the surgery room- ugh it was terrible!!! A surgery that was supposed to take about 4 hours ended up being closer to 7 and instead of going to the recovery room she went straight to the ICU. We got there at 11am and didnt get to see her until about 11pm- she was so pale and swollen- so hard to keep it together. Thank God though that when we went to see her the next day she was sooooooooooo much better and each day she gets progressivly stronger- she just did a lap around the waiting room :) We are waiting for the pathology report but it looks like the cancer did spread to the lymph nodes- huge bummer. One day at a time- mom is doing well- just thankful to still have her here. off to go spend more time with her now!

Thank you for thinking of us :)

Amanda

Ro10's picture
Ro10
Posts: 1483
Joined: Jan 2009

That had to of been very scary for you with her being in surgery so long. I hope they kept you updated. Sorry to hear that the pathology report does not sound so good either. But right now your Mom just needs to focus on recovering from her surgery. Taking each day as it comes. I hope she is feeling better each day. You and your family remain in my prayers. In peace and caring.

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