Not bc related.... just looking for some input
Okay so, here is my delema... My daughter, her boyfriend, and my little grandson moved into an apartment with a high school friend of my daughters. She (my daughter Katrina) is going to school and her boyfriend works a job making not quite $10 an hour... I knew when they moved out of the basement last August that it wasn't a good idea, but we all know how kids need to learn things for themselves. Well, low and behold the "roommate" situation didn't work out quite the way they thought it would...(go figure)... Anyway, roommate is moving out.
There is no way these kids can make it on their own in the apartment. I love my daughter with all my heart. She is a beautiful young woman (21) however... when they lived with us... life at home was crazy... loud... and extremely messy... I would come home from work and her and her boyfriend would have stuff all over the house... they meant to clean it up... etc... Since they have moved into their own place, my house has pretty much stayed clean...it's my husband, our 16 year old son...and of course my niece Liz who just turned 12... and all of us are fairly quiet people... not so of my daughters boyfriend....
I have an Administrative assistant at work who is resigning, she is going to have a baby and wants to be a stay at home mom.... This got me thinking.... I could hire my daughter, which the company would be fine with, give her some training in an administrative role, they would be able to keep their apartment, and my house would continue to be that clean peaceful haven that I look forward to going home to at the end of the day...
So... you know what I'm looking for here... INPUT please... am I enabling her?? Am I being selfish??? Should I not hire her, and have them move back in and figure it all out themselves???
Help..
Hugs,
~T
Comments
-
Hmmm . . .
Taleena,
I know you want to help your daughter in a way that won't cause you grief. Maybe I'm being too blunt, but I'm wondering whether your hiring her might actually lead to more grief. How will she react to you being her boss as well as her mother? When, as mother, you tell her what to do, does she react well? Always? If not, as boss, she's going to react to you like she would when you're being mother. I see a real pickle for both of you here--it may be impossible to separate the mother-daughter relationship from the boss-employee relationship.
I don't know if this would help you or not, but whenever I had a big/important decision to make, my dad would have me make two columns on a paper and write all the pros on one side and all the cons on the other side. I would do one sheet of paper for one decision, and another sheet of paper for the other decision (e.g., one for "Hire Daughter" and one for "Daughter Moves In"). He would play devil's advocate to get me to think of every possible pro & con--lots of "What if" questions. "What if your new employee/daughter doesn't perform as she should on the job?" "What if your new employee/daughter calls in sick multiple times?" I'd ask myself every single "What if" question I could think of based on every bad employee I'd ever had.
In addition, I wonder--are those the *only* two options? Are there any other options at all? For example, can she get a job elsewhere? If you really feel those are the only two options--and if you get stuck with them moving back in despite your best efforts--I think for your own sanity you might want to set some FIRM house rules before they do move back in. Tell them up-front that it was too loud previously. Tell them you expect them to respect you and the rest of the family by doing their share of clean-up--no excuses! Maybe you'll need to work out a schedule for them on cleaning up after themselves.
OK, I've probably gotten too bossy here and I shouldn't be telling you what to do. I just know from my own experience having my oldest slob of a son (one slob, two neatniks--go figure!) move back in and disrupt our lives. We had several unpleasant discussions about his noise at all hours of the night and about the messes he left everywhere--your daughter & BF sound just like my Erik! EEEEEK! He wasn't being responsible on his job & was calling in sick . . . He finally moved up to another state, found he had to get TWO jobs to survive, worked 70 hours a week *even* when sick instead of wimping out (his words) . . . it has been the best thing for him. He made a decision not to call me for help when he moved and to tough it out. Wow! What a change! He's now in management training for one of the companies that gave him an entry-level job when he moved and is being moved to another state to open a new store.
As to your final questions . . . are you enabling her? I don't know--do *you* feel that you may be enabling her? Are you being selfish? NO! It isn't selfish to take care of yourself and your family. Not only that--it isn't selfish of you to want your beautiful adult daughter to grow up and act like an adult, and it isn't selfish of you to do what she needs to make that final step into maturity. And your last two questions . . . I can't answer them, but maybe thinking through all the pros & cons will help you figure out your own answer.
I'll shut up now--hope I haven't offended you in any way. This may be one of those times that I need to not post until I've rethought it all . . . if you feel I've overstepped my boundaries, please just consider what I've said one idea that you can just throw out. Like all the parenting advice you've ever been given, this is just one more idea in your bag of tricks, and you can toss it back in the bag and say, "That's not right for me and my family."
Best of luck to you as you figure it out!
Sandy0 -
Tough One
T-
Sandy pretty much summed it up. I'm all for family working together, I worked for my Dad when I was in college. BUT....you need to be honest with yourself and think about what type of employee your daughter will be. If she is a responsable person at work, then it could be a win-win situation. If she's not, it could be a disaster. You know your daughter, just be honest with yourself.
Good luck with your decision,
Marcy0 -
Can't Add to Lady Parvati's Advice
Wow, Sandy's response is remarkable: thorough, insightful, and honest. You can't do better than listening to her, T.
I am sorry you have been dealing with a chaotic household. You never complained. You are a strong and loving person and parent.
Now, my opinion as a person who has never been a mother is that if there is no other option, hire your daughter. You may be trading chaos at home for new stress at work, and the problems Sandy cites so well. But, I'd give it a try myself.
Good luck, T, whatever you decide. You deserve some peace and quiet, and your home should be the way YOU want it to be.0 -
Sandy... you have in no wayLadyParvati said:Hmmm . . .
Taleena,
I know you want to help your daughter in a way that won't cause you grief. Maybe I'm being too blunt, but I'm wondering whether your hiring her might actually lead to more grief. How will she react to you being her boss as well as her mother? When, as mother, you tell her what to do, does she react well? Always? If not, as boss, she's going to react to you like she would when you're being mother. I see a real pickle for both of you here--it may be impossible to separate the mother-daughter relationship from the boss-employee relationship.
I don't know if this would help you or not, but whenever I had a big/important decision to make, my dad would have me make two columns on a paper and write all the pros on one side and all the cons on the other side. I would do one sheet of paper for one decision, and another sheet of paper for the other decision (e.g., one for "Hire Daughter" and one for "Daughter Moves In"). He would play devil's advocate to get me to think of every possible pro & con--lots of "What if" questions. "What if your new employee/daughter doesn't perform as she should on the job?" "What if your new employee/daughter calls in sick multiple times?" I'd ask myself every single "What if" question I could think of based on every bad employee I'd ever had.
In addition, I wonder--are those the *only* two options? Are there any other options at all? For example, can she get a job elsewhere? If you really feel those are the only two options--and if you get stuck with them moving back in despite your best efforts--I think for your own sanity you might want to set some FIRM house rules before they do move back in. Tell them up-front that it was too loud previously. Tell them you expect them to respect you and the rest of the family by doing their share of clean-up--no excuses! Maybe you'll need to work out a schedule for them on cleaning up after themselves.
OK, I've probably gotten too bossy here and I shouldn't be telling you what to do. I just know from my own experience having my oldest slob of a son (one slob, two neatniks--go figure!) move back in and disrupt our lives. We had several unpleasant discussions about his noise at all hours of the night and about the messes he left everywhere--your daughter & BF sound just like my Erik! EEEEEK! He wasn't being responsible on his job & was calling in sick . . . He finally moved up to another state, found he had to get TWO jobs to survive, worked 70 hours a week *even* when sick instead of wimping out (his words) . . . it has been the best thing for him. He made a decision not to call me for help when he moved and to tough it out. Wow! What a change! He's now in management training for one of the companies that gave him an entry-level job when he moved and is being moved to another state to open a new store.
As to your final questions . . . are you enabling her? I don't know--do *you* feel that you may be enabling her? Are you being selfish? NO! It isn't selfish to take care of yourself and your family. Not only that--it isn't selfish of you to want your beautiful adult daughter to grow up and act like an adult, and it isn't selfish of you to do what she needs to make that final step into maturity. And your last two questions . . . I can't answer them, but maybe thinking through all the pros & cons will help you figure out your own answer.
I'll shut up now--hope I haven't offended you in any way. This may be one of those times that I need to not post until I've rethought it all . . . if you feel I've overstepped my boundaries, please just consider what I've said one idea that you can just throw out. Like all the parenting advice you've ever been given, this is just one more idea in your bag of tricks, and you can toss it back in the bag and say, "That's not right for me and my family."
Best of luck to you as you figure it out!
Sandy
Sandy... you have in no way offended me. I very much appreciate blunt honesty. I really appreciate your insight and advise. I think your right, I should write out the pro's and con's of each.
Having said that, I do know that my daughter would be there everyday and doing the best she could. I do know that she would be dependable, and responsible with work... trust me when I tell you that some of the assistants I have had, my 12 year old niece could have run circles around.
I'm just not sure if it is really helping her... financally they aren't making it, and I end up going to the grocery store to by them food. I paid their share of the rent for December. I just don't think continuing to "handle" things for them is the answer.
My daughters has gone from a self confident, self assured young girl, into a depressed, not feeling good about herself, young mother, who doesn't want her mom to know just how miserable she is... She tries to hide it, but as many of you know, a mother knows.
I just think this might help boost her self confidence... and allow her to "earn" her way to true independence.
Again thank you...wise words to consider.
♥ & hugs,
~T0 -
Thanks Marcy... yes, untilcanoegirl said:Tough One
T-
Sandy pretty much summed it up. I'm all for family working together, I worked for my Dad when I was in college. BUT....you need to be honest with yourself and think about what type of employee your daughter will be. If she is a responsable person at work, then it could be a win-win situation. If she's not, it could be a disaster. You know your daughter, just be honest with yourself.
Good luck with your decision,
Marcy
Thanks Marcy... yes, until she went off to college, and received an education that I wasn't counting on (grandson needless to say was a big surprise)... she was always the most responsible of our children. She still is... just at home quite messy... and as much as I hate to admit it ... nor do I try to fight it... not the best judge in character when choosing a significant other... thus the very loud boyfriend...
I am thinking that it could very well be a win win situation... but I do need to consider all the angles.
♥ & hugs,
~T0 -
Thanks Moopy... I'm weighingMoopy23 said:Can't Add to Lady Parvati's Advice
Wow, Sandy's response is remarkable: thorough, insightful, and honest. You can't do better than listening to her, T.
I am sorry you have been dealing with a chaotic household. You never complained. You are a strong and loving person and parent.
Now, my opinion as a person who has never been a mother is that if there is no other option, hire your daughter. You may be trading chaos at home for new stress at work, and the problems Sandy cites so well. But, I'd give it a try myself.
Good luck, T, whatever you decide. You deserve some peace and quiet, and your home should be the way YOU want it to be.
Thanks Moopy... I'm weighing heavily on sancuary of home... let's face it, work can always be chaotic... this just throws a curve into it... A lot to consider that is for sure...
Thanks again..
♥ & hugs,
~T0 -
EVerything Sandy says is
EVerything Sandy says is good advice but there is another pro. It is so hard for young people to get on-the-job training now a days. Even beginning jobs are few. If your company allows nepotism it'd be great training if you can work as her boss and she can accept it. Would it jeopardize your job if it didn't work out? Don't expect you to answer this, just throwing it out there. Another thought is who is going to babysit?0 -
Hi Marcia... I know it's theMarcia527 said:EVerything Sandy says is
EVerything Sandy says is good advice but there is another pro. It is so hard for young people to get on-the-job training now a days. Even beginning jobs are few. If your company allows nepotism it'd be great training if you can work as her boss and she can accept it. Would it jeopardize your job if it didn't work out? Don't expect you to answer this, just throwing it out there. Another thought is who is going to babysit?
Hi Marcia... I know it's the appropriate word, but I hate the word nepotism...but I guess that is the proper word for it.
If she doesn't work out there is no back lash on me... so that isn't an issue. I just thought that it would give her some experience that kids today just don't always get the opportunity for given todays job market.
Her best friend is a stay at home mom with a baby just a couple of months younger than little James... she has offered to provide the childcare, and she lives right across the street from my daughters apartment.
Thanks for the input Marcia... i need to consider all of the angles that's for sure.
♥ & hugs,
~T0 -
Taleena,taleena said:Thanks Moopy... I'm weighing
Thanks Moopy... I'm weighing heavily on sancuary of home... let's face it, work can always be chaotic... this just throws a curve into it... A lot to consider that is for sure...
Thanks again..
♥ & hugs,
~T
I think that a pro
Taleena,
I think that a pro and con list is a good idea. After you said that she would be a good worker, reliable, responsible etc. I think that giving her a job where she can rebuild her self esteem and feel that she is taking on her own financial responsibility sounds like the best overall decision. I don't think that either giving her a job or allowing her to live at home enables. These are tough economic times and there are not a lot of jobs so being able to provide that is great. And the living at home, the same is true here. Times are rough and if there isn't enough income then finding a home is impossible. If I were you, I would do the job offer because it seems to me that would be helping her to help herself and her family. But if moving back home is what you decide, then I agree that some basic ground rules. Clean up after yourselves when the mess is fresh, keep the levels of noise down to a point where you are not infringing on other's people's eardrums, and help with the general maintenance of the household. It's good her guy is working, so he's not a deadbeat and if he is a good dad and treats her kindly then all the other stuff will work out. They are young and it sounds like your grandson was a surprise. My Denise was a surprise, like a gift, as opposed to an accident, whoops gotten clean that up. I think it is great that your are supportive of her. These times are economically challenging and your support may be what helps to make their commitment to each other stronger. I would be doing exactly what you are if I were in your place, helping them the best way I could. My prayers are that you find the best solution for all of you.
Stef0 -
In the end it's up to you.taleena said:Hi Marcia... I know it's the
Hi Marcia... I know it's the appropriate word, but I hate the word nepotism...but I guess that is the proper word for it.
If she doesn't work out there is no back lash on me... so that isn't an issue. I just thought that it would give her some experience that kids today just don't always get the opportunity for given todays job market.
Her best friend is a stay at home mom with a baby just a couple of months younger than little James... she has offered to provide the childcare, and she lives right across the street from my daughters apartment.
Thanks for the input Marcia... i need to consider all of the angles that's for sure.
♥ & hugs,
~T
In the end it's up to you. I'd do everything I could for my kids. But if you hire her you might be hearing the hated word from other people. We've know lots of people over the years that got a start that way tho.0 -
I agree that those were goodtaleena said:Hi Marcia... I know it's the
Hi Marcia... I know it's the appropriate word, but I hate the word nepotism...but I guess that is the proper word for it.
If she doesn't work out there is no back lash on me... so that isn't an issue. I just thought that it would give her some experience that kids today just don't always get the opportunity for given todays job market.
Her best friend is a stay at home mom with a baby just a couple of months younger than little James... she has offered to provide the childcare, and she lives right across the street from my daughters apartment.
Thanks for the input Marcia... i need to consider all of the angles that's for sure.
♥ & hugs,
~T
I agree that those were good questions from Marcia. How will other workers react to her being hired, how will management feel if she has to be terminated, babysitting, etc.
I also hate that word nepotism even though it is the correct word. I think because we tend to view it as someone firing a good worker and putting their lame relative in the job (at 3 times the salary). Most of the time that is not the case. At my old job, there were tons of relatives and everyone was treated equally (the same day I was laid off so was the daughter of one of the upper management people). I think that is the difference, a level playing field. In our city jobs having a relative is a big plus in being hired. The same is often true in school districts. I think that as long as there isn't any special treatment after someone is hired, it doesn't really matter if they are related. My mom got my niece's first job for her and it was a great training field for her. She worked there for a couple years and then went to another job where she has really advanced and she credits my mom with her great training and giving her that first break. And if you think about it, many jobs are obtained because someone knew someone working there or someone suggested them for the job. But I do think that it is something that you should consider from you point of view, your daugthers and your coworkers.
Stef0 -
Good advicesfauxma said:I agree that those were good
I agree that those were good questions from Marcia. How will other workers react to her being hired, how will management feel if she has to be terminated, babysitting, etc.
I also hate that word nepotism even though it is the correct word. I think because we tend to view it as someone firing a good worker and putting their lame relative in the job (at 3 times the salary). Most of the time that is not the case. At my old job, there were tons of relatives and everyone was treated equally (the same day I was laid off so was the daughter of one of the upper management people). I think that is the difference, a level playing field. In our city jobs having a relative is a big plus in being hired. The same is often true in school districts. I think that as long as there isn't any special treatment after someone is hired, it doesn't really matter if they are related. My mom got my niece's first job for her and it was a great training field for her. She worked there for a couple years and then went to another job where she has really advanced and she credits my mom with her great training and giving her that first break. And if you think about it, many jobs are obtained because someone knew someone working there or someone suggested them for the job. But I do think that it is something that you should consider from you point of view, your daugthers and your coworkers.
Stef
are given. Difficult to add anything new. I am absolutely sure that you are not self-fish. You do need peaceful home and place to rest. If they move back you will be in stressful environment and nervous all the time. Do not forget that you are still in treatment, because hormonal therapy is a therapy with side effects, even it is "just a pill or "just a shot".
You also need to avoid stress at work. As others already pointed out you are the only one who knows if your daughter will respect you as a boss. maybe they can move to smaller apartment or your company has other openings and she could work for somebody else? Just ideas.
New Flower0 -
Oh dear, sounds like myMarcia527 said:One more thing I just
One more thing I just thought of:
When I am wondering if I should do something, I think of the worst thing that could happen if I did it. If I can live with that, I go ahead and do it.
Oh dear, sounds like my daughter. I am in no position to offer advise, but i would hire her, as long as you feel she could do the job. Maybe she could go to school at night. My daughter causes me so much grief, she will be 20, and between paying for college, her car insurance, cell phone, books, food. etc on top of my cancer and the economy, i am starting to have anxiety attacks. Good luck on whatever you choose.0 -
T, I am the last person thatmeena1 said:Oh dear, sounds like my
Oh dear, sounds like my daughter. I am in no position to offer advise, but i would hire her, as long as you feel she could do the job. Maybe she could go to school at night. My daughter causes me so much grief, she will be 20, and between paying for college, her car insurance, cell phone, books, food. etc on top of my cancer and the economy, i am starting to have anxiety attacks. Good luck on whatever you choose.
T, I am the last person that you want to take advice from, since I don't have any children, but that won't stop me. You have already received incredible advice from everyone. After reading all the posts, it seems to me that you are leaning toward hiring your daughter, and, in this instance, it sounds like a really good idea. Provided you think that she will be responsible and a good worker, it may be just what she needs to get her confidence back and it will allow you to help to teach her how to be a great employee when she moves to another position. That would be gratifying, for both of you.
Joyce0 -
Thank you everyone... I have
Thank you everyone... I have received some really good advise here, and really appreciate all of you chiming in with your thoughts and ideas.
Though I work for a semi large company, their office is in Chicago... our office here locally is fairly small. I have one administrative assistant that is semi retired, and works part time... and I love her, she is the greatest. I have a dispatcher who runs the service department, then there is the sales team that consists of three sales people, the G/M and myself. Then of course, my admin assistant who is leaving. There are also 21 technicians.
The G/M brought in his son to train in the industry... I guess that's what got me thinking of this situation to begin with. So other workers really wouldn't have a problem with it... If I were in a bigger office with more people I'm not sure this would be the best idea.
The worst thing that could happen if I do hire her is that it doesn't work out, I will have to let her go, and then they end up moving in again. If I don't hire her, they will lose their apartment and move back in.. (gosh I make it sound like my daughter moving back home is something terrible... I don't mean it that way honest... I would take her in a New York minute) it's just her bf and I don't get along real well and I see THAT being the biggest problem if they move back in... In the long run we will butt heads and that will create a large wedge between my daughter and I... and that is something I don't want.
Well... time to write the list, and have a long heart to heart with my daughter.
Again, thank you all for your input and advise it really is appreciated... more than you know!
♥ & hugs,
~T0 -
Great!taleena said:Sandy... you have in no way
Sandy... you have in no way offended me. I very much appreciate blunt honesty. I really appreciate your insight and advise. I think your right, I should write out the pro's and con's of each.
Having said that, I do know that my daughter would be there everyday and doing the best she could. I do know that she would be dependable, and responsible with work... trust me when I tell you that some of the assistants I have had, my 12 year old niece could have run circles around.
I'm just not sure if it is really helping her... financally they aren't making it, and I end up going to the grocery store to by them food. I paid their share of the rent for December. I just don't think continuing to "handle" things for them is the answer.
My daughters has gone from a self confident, self assured young girl, into a depressed, not feeling good about herself, young mother, who doesn't want her mom to know just how miserable she is... She tries to hide it, but as many of you know, a mother knows.
I just think this might help boost her self confidence... and allow her to "earn" her way to true independence.
Again thank you...wise words to consider.
♥ & hugs,
~T
It's wonderful when we can know that one of our children has turned out to be so dependable! Based on what you have said, I think you're probably correct that having this job could help boost her self-confidence as well as significantly improve her future options.
Good luck with all of it!
Sandy0 -
We'll be praying for everything to go smoothly!taleena said:Thank you everyone... I have
Thank you everyone... I have received some really good advise here, and really appreciate all of you chiming in with your thoughts and ideas.
Though I work for a semi large company, their office is in Chicago... our office here locally is fairly small. I have one administrative assistant that is semi retired, and works part time... and I love her, she is the greatest. I have a dispatcher who runs the service department, then there is the sales team that consists of three sales people, the G/M and myself. Then of course, my admin assistant who is leaving. There are also 21 technicians.
The G/M brought in his son to train in the industry... I guess that's what got me thinking of this situation to begin with. So other workers really wouldn't have a problem with it... If I were in a bigger office with more people I'm not sure this would be the best idea.
The worst thing that could happen if I do hire her is that it doesn't work out, I will have to let her go, and then they end up moving in again. If I don't hire her, they will lose their apartment and move back in.. (gosh I make it sound like my daughter moving back home is something terrible... I don't mean it that way honest... I would take her in a New York minute) it's just her bf and I don't get along real well and I see THAT being the biggest problem if they move back in... In the long run we will butt heads and that will create a large wedge between my daughter and I... and that is something I don't want.
Well... time to write the list, and have a long heart to heart with my daughter.
Again, thank you all for your input and advise it really is appreciated... more than you know!
♥ & hugs,
~T
I'm wishing you great success in both your heart-to-heart and in the process and success of whatever you decide, Taleena!
Sandy0
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