how can I tell my Mom

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mcsessions
mcsessions Member Posts: 48
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Every time my Mom´s treatment date approaches my Mom gets extremely anxious and irritable, anything don´t matter how small the issue is will make her worry sick.

She is taking her treatment far from where I live, so my Grandma and Aunt are taking care of her and they tell me she is angry, she snaps at everybody etc...

We all understand that she is going through a lot and we want to help her, but every time I suggest she should talk to her Dr about the way she feels and acts, she gets mad and denies she´s acting that way...I´m desperate because I´m far and feel there is nothing I can do.

I have sent e-mails to her Dr telling him about this behavior but during her visits she always says she´s fine...

How can I tell her what is going on without hurting her feelings?

I know she´s hurting the people that loves her the most, should we just let her do it while she goes through this?

Thanks

Comments

  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #2
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    Steroids
    probably plays some role too. If she takes steroids as pre-chemo medications they could impact her behavior.
    It is normal to be agitated by steroid drugs
  • mcsessions
    mcsessions Member Posts: 48
    #3
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    New Flower said:

    Steroids
    probably plays some role too. If she takes steroids as pre-chemo medications they could impact her behavior.
    It is normal to be agitated by steroid drugs

    No, she doesn´t takes any..

    No, she doesn´t takes any..
  • ms_independent
    ms_independent Member Posts: 214
    #4
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    ? write her a letter
    I don't know your mom so this may not be helpful. What about writing her letter that comes from a loving place. It sounds like she is defensive and can't allow herself to really hear what is being said. So, maybe if you write her a letter that expresses your love and concern, she will be able to "hear" what you are saying.
    I'm sorry, what a sad situation for all of you. On some level she knows what she's doing and can't control it----one more thing she can't control.
    Best of luck,
    el
  • mcsessions
    mcsessions Member Posts: 48
    #5
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    ms_independent said:

    ? write her a letter
    I don't know your mom so this may not be helpful. What about writing her letter that comes from a loving place. It sounds like she is defensive and can't allow herself to really hear what is being said. So, maybe if you write her a letter that expresses your love and concern, she will be able to "hear" what you are saying.
    I'm sorry, what a sad situation for all of you. On some level she knows what she's doing and can't control it----one more thing she can't control.
    Best of luck,
    el

    a letter
    I thought about it too and I think it might be the best way to communicate with her right now, I just need to find the right moment if there is such.
    My fear is that it could cause more anger...
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #6
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    "Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At"...my mantra
    Is this totally new behaviour? Or have you witnessed it even prior to cancer? I am sure fear and wanting to be normal and stiff upper lip are contributing to the anger she has...she is not in control of her own destiny at this point and it is so easy to lash out at the ones we are the most familiar and at ease with. It of course doesn't make it right and certainly not easy on the receivers, but being that her Dr does not notice this attitude shift may prove that she is in "company behaviour" when she goes in for treatment. And "just mom" with the rest of you.

    I would be honest, but in a kind way. Even if she gets snippy. If sprinkled with kindness, she may think about it later when she is home in bed. My honest way of approaching is being kind but blunt:
    "Mom, I can't begin to know what it is like to have BC and to be having chemo, and all of the decisions and life changes. I am scared for you and with you, and I would do anything to help you through this. But mom, help me to understand some things. When you ( fill in the blanks) and I try and (fill in the blanks) you yell at me . (Or whatever it is she is doing.) I want to be there for you emotionaly and physically mom, but I feel inadequate and hurt when you ( fill in the blanks). What can you and I do to help each other thru this? I love you mom, but whatever is happening here makes it so that I don't know what to do. You saw me through all of my childhood stuff, and now I want to see you through this part of our lives together.

    Something like that, anyway! You know your mom best and how to phrase things, I am sure.
    Written or spoken, whatever is best...I am sure Hallmark has a beautiful card you can write in and pour out your heart. If you make it seem that SHE can help YOU, she may not feel so defensive and attacked. Just a thought!

    Bless you for being such a wonderful daughter! Let us know what happens!

    Hugs,
    Chen♥

    PS I realize you are not the one living the closest, but this was just an outline, so to speak! As I said, you know her best, and what your relationship is and how best to approach her.
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    #7
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    chenheart said:

    "Be Stronger Than, Not Angry At"...my mantra
    Is this totally new behaviour? Or have you witnessed it even prior to cancer? I am sure fear and wanting to be normal and stiff upper lip are contributing to the anger she has...she is not in control of her own destiny at this point and it is so easy to lash out at the ones we are the most familiar and at ease with. It of course doesn't make it right and certainly not easy on the receivers, but being that her Dr does not notice this attitude shift may prove that she is in "company behaviour" when she goes in for treatment. And "just mom" with the rest of you.

    I would be honest, but in a kind way. Even if she gets snippy. If sprinkled with kindness, she may think about it later when she is home in bed. My honest way of approaching is being kind but blunt:
    "Mom, I can't begin to know what it is like to have BC and to be having chemo, and all of the decisions and life changes. I am scared for you and with you, and I would do anything to help you through this. But mom, help me to understand some things. When you ( fill in the blanks) and I try and (fill in the blanks) you yell at me . (Or whatever it is she is doing.) I want to be there for you emotionaly and physically mom, but I feel inadequate and hurt when you ( fill in the blanks). What can you and I do to help each other thru this? I love you mom, but whatever is happening here makes it so that I don't know what to do. You saw me through all of my childhood stuff, and now I want to see you through this part of our lives together.

    Something like that, anyway! You know your mom best and how to phrase things, I am sure.
    Written or spoken, whatever is best...I am sure Hallmark has a beautiful card you can write in and pour out your heart. If you make it seem that SHE can help YOU, she may not feel so defensive and attacked. Just a thought!

    Bless you for being such a wonderful daughter! Let us know what happens!

    Hugs,
    Chen♥

    PS I realize you are not the one living the closest, but this was just an outline, so to speak! As I said, you know her best, and what your relationship is and how best to approach her.

    Chen
    I think what you said
    Chen
    I think what you said is a very good way to approach not just her mother but anyone that any of us might have difficulty with. It is not judgmental and it does put it in a way that is asking someone to help you understand what you need to do to help them. I have a family member that lashes out often and for no reason and instead of getting defensive back I plan to use this as a guideline to try and get her to open up. It might not work but it is certainly worth a try. ANd yes, we have to adapt this to what will work in our circumstances.
    Stef
  • MAJW
    MAJW Member Posts: 2,510 Member
    #8
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    Feelings.......
    This will probably go against the grain of other advice but here goes......You sound like such a wonderful, caring daughter.... Much like my own. What your mom is feeling and her actions, I think are normal considering what she's going through.....I just went through 8 months of the same thing.....our feelings and emotions are ALL OVER THE PLACE! I could be sweet, nice, pleasant one minute and the next snipping and snapping at everyone! Including the husband and my grown kids and anyone else "who got in my way." the ONLY ones I never snapped at were my grand kids.....they are so sweet... I think she will eventually come around....accepting this diagnosis takes time....I found myself putting on my "I'm fine" face to spare my husband and kids my real grief, fear and emotional pain....It's hard to walk in someone's shoes unless you've been there......My advice is to.......just let her be......she knows she's doing it but more than likely she can't help it, as I said, her emotions are all over the place......I would just ask everyone to try and be patient with her.... just try to ignore the snippy remarks....I do wish she would accept some time of anxiety meds, though....I had never taken anything and finally asked and received Valium.....very, very low dosage and it really helped take the edge off....This is a horrifically scary time for your mom and all of you....she's scared, mad, angry, etc.....

    Again, I would suggest patience and continue being the wonderful, caring daughter that you are....I wish all of you the best and offer my prayers for all of you.......
    Peace be with you
  • mcsessions
    mcsessions Member Posts: 48
    #9
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    MAJW said:

    Feelings.......
    This will probably go against the grain of other advice but here goes......You sound like such a wonderful, caring daughter.... Much like my own. What your mom is feeling and her actions, I think are normal considering what she's going through.....I just went through 8 months of the same thing.....our feelings and emotions are ALL OVER THE PLACE! I could be sweet, nice, pleasant one minute and the next snipping and snapping at everyone! Including the husband and my grown kids and anyone else "who got in my way." the ONLY ones I never snapped at were my grand kids.....they are so sweet... I think she will eventually come around....accepting this diagnosis takes time....I found myself putting on my "I'm fine" face to spare my husband and kids my real grief, fear and emotional pain....It's hard to walk in someone's shoes unless you've been there......My advice is to.......just let her be......she knows she's doing it but more than likely she can't help it, as I said, her emotions are all over the place......I would just ask everyone to try and be patient with her.... just try to ignore the snippy remarks....I do wish she would accept some time of anxiety meds, though....I had never taken anything and finally asked and received Valium.....very, very low dosage and it really helped take the edge off....This is a horrifically scary time for your mom and all of you....she's scared, mad, angry, etc.....

    Again, I would suggest patience and continue being the wonderful, caring daughter that you are....I wish all of you the best and offer my prayers for all of you.......
    Peace be with you

    THANK YOU ALL
    For the wonderful advice you have given to me, you made me feel understood.
    I tried the kind approach last night on an e-mail. I told her I was very worried because I noticed how anxious she gets and it is a very frustrating feeling for me not to be able to help her or make her feel better.
    I told her that I understood she didn't like pills, but couldn't understand why she refused to do something that could make her feel better.
    I said that I knew this was a difficult moment for her to find happiness in her life, but she needed to realize that stress is poison for her body, and that she needed to put herself before anybody right now.
    I will go visit her and spend 2 weeks there I hope I can get through her once I'm there.

    I agree so much with being patient with her and understanding her feelings, I don't mind that much the fact that she can hurt her loved ones, I'm more worried about her not having a minute of peace when she needs it the most.

    Thanks again, you all are great people with enormous hearts. I don't know what I would do without his board.
  • LT
    LT Member Posts: 31
    #10
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    mcsessions said:

    THANK YOU ALL
    For the wonderful advice you have given to me, you made me feel understood.
    I tried the kind approach last night on an e-mail. I told her I was very worried because I noticed how anxious she gets and it is a very frustrating feeling for me not to be able to help her or make her feel better.
    I told her that I understood she didn't like pills, but couldn't understand why she refused to do something that could make her feel better.
    I said that I knew this was a difficult moment for her to find happiness in her life, but she needed to realize that stress is poison for her body, and that she needed to put herself before anybody right now.
    I will go visit her and spend 2 weeks there I hope I can get through her once I'm there.

    I agree so much with being patient with her and understanding her feelings, I don't mind that much the fact that she can hurt her loved ones, I'm more worried about her not having a minute of peace when she needs it the most.

    Thanks again, you all are great people with enormous hearts. I don't know what I would do without his board.

    I can identify
    with your mom. Last week (chemo week) was so bad for me that I was looking up statistics to see if it was truly worth it. My daughter was appalled but until you have that poisoned feeling you can't understand no matter how much you love them. Today at the end of the 2nd week I finally feel somewhat human, can go to the store and folks say how good I look and I'm glad BUT tonight I realized it's only 1 more week before it starts over again. This 2nd treatment will hit me when I'm not as strong as I was before emotionally or physically so how far down will I drop this time? How far can you drop and still come up again? I'm trying to find a way to "dance in the rain" but it is unbelievably hard. You'd never know it but by nature I'm a positive, happy person and this has changed me into someone else. I am also dealing with disappoint in myself for not doing this better. Maybe this is some of how your mom is feeling.I'm trying to think of a way to "reward" myself week 3 to get my mind off chemo week, but since most of my rewards have to do with food, and it tastes terrible, there go my normal self indulgences.
    My nurse suggested warm relaxing baths when I'm feeling anxious so I got out the candles, lit them, ran a warm bath and put on soothing music only to remember after I got in that I don't even fit in the ***** warm water. If I got the top half in my legs were sticking out of the water and if I put my legs all the way in my new cold-sensitive boobies were very unhappy! So I spent the time scooting back and forth and since it's 23 degress outside the metal bottom of the tub never truly warmed up so now I'm trying to turn more hot water on with my toes while keeping my butt off the ice cold bottom... I haven't taken a sit-down bath in years and now I'm remembering why!!!!! So much for relaxation!
    I know this is really long but it's 2:45 am and I've got empty hours to fill!!!! Good luck with your mom - you sound like a great daughter - it's hard to see your mom lost in fear and not know how to help her. You being there will help a lot, but I do try to cover up or mask my feelings when my grown kids are here so it's a good thing you can stay for 2 weeks!
    One more thing - when my mom was undergoing colon surgery, she had a bad anxiety reaction to the drugs that the nurse couldn't fix. It finally got so bad and I was so scared ( the nurses checked in every 30 min or so but I was with her the whole time) that I climbed into bed with her and just held her, rocked her, prayed over her and soothed her like I did my own kids when they were scared. After quite a while, she calmed and was able to sleep. I didn't notice a mention of your dad, but I realized my mom hadn't had someone do this with her since my own father died thirty years ago if he did that kind of thing. She reminds me after 7 years how I "saved" her that night.It told her I learned it from her!
  • mcsessions
    mcsessions Member Posts: 48
    #11
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    LT said:

    I can identify
    with your mom. Last week (chemo week) was so bad for me that I was looking up statistics to see if it was truly worth it. My daughter was appalled but until you have that poisoned feeling you can't understand no matter how much you love them. Today at the end of the 2nd week I finally feel somewhat human, can go to the store and folks say how good I look and I'm glad BUT tonight I realized it's only 1 more week before it starts over again. This 2nd treatment will hit me when I'm not as strong as I was before emotionally or physically so how far down will I drop this time? How far can you drop and still come up again? I'm trying to find a way to "dance in the rain" but it is unbelievably hard. You'd never know it but by nature I'm a positive, happy person and this has changed me into someone else. I am also dealing with disappoint in myself for not doing this better. Maybe this is some of how your mom is feeling.I'm trying to think of a way to "reward" myself week 3 to get my mind off chemo week, but since most of my rewards have to do with food, and it tastes terrible, there go my normal self indulgences.
    My nurse suggested warm relaxing baths when I'm feeling anxious so I got out the candles, lit them, ran a warm bath and put on soothing music only to remember after I got in that I don't even fit in the ***** warm water. If I got the top half in my legs were sticking out of the water and if I put my legs all the way in my new cold-sensitive boobies were very unhappy! So I spent the time scooting back and forth and since it's 23 degress outside the metal bottom of the tub never truly warmed up so now I'm trying to turn more hot water on with my toes while keeping my butt off the ice cold bottom... I haven't taken a sit-down bath in years and now I'm remembering why!!!!! So much for relaxation!
    I know this is really long but it's 2:45 am and I've got empty hours to fill!!!! Good luck with your mom - you sound like a great daughter - it's hard to see your mom lost in fear and not know how to help her. You being there will help a lot, but I do try to cover up or mask my feelings when my grown kids are here so it's a good thing you can stay for 2 weeks!
    One more thing - when my mom was undergoing colon surgery, she had a bad anxiety reaction to the drugs that the nurse couldn't fix. It finally got so bad and I was so scared ( the nurses checked in every 30 min or so but I was with her the whole time) that I climbed into bed with her and just held her, rocked her, prayed over her and soothed her like I did my own kids when they were scared. After quite a while, she calmed and was able to sleep. I didn't notice a mention of your dad, but I realized my mom hadn't had someone do this with her since my own father died thirty years ago if he did that kind of thing. She reminds me after 7 years how I "saved" her that night.It told her I learned it from her!

    Thank you
    For sharing the way you feel LT, you helped me learned a little more about how my Mom feels.
    My Dad has been by her side, but he has to travel for work and we had noticed that when he comes back she goes back to being herself.
    She told me as you, that sometimes she feels she's hitting the bottom but somehow she finds strength somewhere to keep on going and continue with her treatment and I'm sure you will do the same. She keeps thinking she wants to live, for us and now her granddaughter.
    During her last visit her Dr suggested some meditation and Reiki classes and she accepted to try it!!! and I'm thrilled by the fact that she's willing to at least try.
    If I can just tell you what I told my mother, please let us help, we know you are strong you have proved that over and over again, it is ok to sometimes not feel good, cry, be angry, scream, hit the pillow it doesn't have to be OK all the time.

    Just think this is temporary IT WILL END!

    HUGS
    MC

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