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how much more???

lisaonthenet
Posts: 68
Joined: Nov 2009

Just found out kelly's ortho who fixed her femur break sees tumor in her fixed femur. he recommends an ortho oncologist. she may need reconstruction of femur and knee after removal. i'm not sure how much more she/i can take. her femur has not much bone in it anymore and it's moving toward her knee. all i have right now is hurt and tears.

thanks for listening,
lisa

pipwe1's picture
pipwe1
Posts: 53
Joined: Oct 2009

Lisa,

I'm sorry to hear that.... be strong... yell and scream here if you need to, I'm here reading and feeling your pain... I wish I could take your hurt and tears away but i can't ... I know where you are and you will be able to take whatever comes your way... your love for Kelly will see through the hard times.... I know my words probably don't mean much when you are hurting so bad but know that they come from my heart... I have been where you are...

I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers

Wendy

tjhay's picture
tjhay
Posts: 655
Joined: Oct 2008

Well said Wendy
Lisa I dont know what more I can add to what Wendy has said but please know that I to am here if you need a friend to unload on. Any time either of you need to talk i am here. Just let me know
tj

lisaonthenet
Posts: 68
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi tj,

Thanks for your response. I appreciate it. It helps to not feel so alone, more than words can express.

Lisa

lisaonthenet
Posts: 68
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi Wendy,

Thanks for your kind and thoughtful words. Your words do mean something to me and I appreciate them.

I think we're both in shock and using our tunnel vision right now. We didn't get much sleep last night.

This morning Kelly should find out how soon/quickly she can see the ortho oncologist so we're anxious about that. I'm so afraid they might say they can't do anything for her. She broke her right femur Sept 2008 so it's been over 1 year; this is the leg where her ortho last night said there's a good amount of tumor. He said it's destroying the bone. She's wanted to walk with a cane or not for so long now and has been using a walker for over 1 year. Now she feels like she may never walk again.

Kelly sees her primary oncologist later in the week so she'll share the news with them. Kelly also gets a CT scan this week to check on her tumors. She's been off chemo for 4 or so weeks now so she could do the radiation to her left hip where the tumor went so we worry the tumors have grown.

So much...

Thanks for listening and keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. It does mean a lot.
Lisa

whistlestopgirl
Posts: 28
Joined: Nov 2009

Just a short post to let you know I understand how hard it is for you right now. When my partner and I thought all was just fine and then they told us no things are not fine at all and in fact right now we don't know the extent of the new cancer they found how much is in her body at this time or how they will decide what tumor marker they can follow to set up a new barrage of treatment after we have just gone through almost a year of treatment thinking we had beaten this cancer. So right now we are in limbo awaiting her Pet scan which won't be until the first part of January due to the fact she just had surgery so they have to wait for her to heal before doing the pet scan. Anyway the being in limbo right now is the worst especially with the holiday season upon us. So if you need to share with someone please feel free to email me anytime. You and Kelly are in my thoughts. I wish the best for both of you and I am there if you need to talk.

Take care,
Whistlestop girl
ps check your email

lisaonthenet
Posts: 68
Joined: Nov 2009

Hi. Check your email.

It's especially tough when you think things are 'ok' or some kind of 'ok' or new 'normal' to be shocked into knowing they aren't. It seems like it's not going to stop. I hate it. I hate the pain Kelly's in.

It must be scary now knowing the extent of your partner's cancer right now. Not knowing is a different kind of tough and I know how it feels.

Kelly gets her CAT scan tomorrow and so we'll know in a few days how the other metastatic areas are doing, whether they're stable, increased or decreased in size.

I'll keep you both in my thoughts as well,
Lisa

PS Few things I wrote recently:

+++++

i feel like the cancer's trying to take you away from me
i won't let it
we won't let it
you've been fighting this for too long, we've been fighting this for too long
it will not win
it cannot win

+++++

autpilot

sometimes i feel like all we do is survive by autopilot
it protects us
it saves us
it allows us
it envelopes us
i hate it

+++++

i'm getting good at pretending i'm ok
at telling you i'm fine
that Kelly's pain is getting better
i'm good at masking reality
at hiding in the shadows and teardrops

+++++

Sick person

You said I'm not built to take care of a sick person
That's not how I think of you
You said it's because it makes me so angry
Who wouldn't be angry?
I don't think of you as a sick person
I think of you as my person
and
you're so much more

+++++

Sobbing comes so freely these days
Last night it brought me to my knees
It's like I have no control over it once I start
Like a leak has been set free and the cork has died
I cried too much last night to shed a tear today

+++++

pipwe1's picture
pipwe1
Posts: 53
Joined: Oct 2009

Keep writing Lisa..... They are very moving and I do believe that writing helps....

lisaonthenet
Posts: 68
Joined: Nov 2009

Wendy,
I'll keep writing. You too! It's a must for you. Writing has always been part of me.

Lisa

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