always being questioned!!
mel
Comments
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Your being realistic
My wife suffered some of the same lame feedback from my family, and guess what we did have setbacks and only now are my sisters realizing I am in a fight (one I intend to win) for my life. Caregivers and partners like you are priceless, I know I would be lost without my wife's care and support. Your husband knows you are there for him and just gurding against all possibilities, otherwise if there is a setback you would literally be taken by surprise, its responsible of you to think one step ahead. Thank you for being a caring spouse, don't let the sister in-laws drag you down.
Mike0 -
always being questioned!!
Hello Mel
I don't know if I'm going be of any help but the first thing is hold your head up and up high
You are the one that's by his side and all you can say is what you know this is a new thing for us all we are all learning as we go so don't let people put you down or hurt you do the best that you can do and that is all anyone can ask
HUGS!!!!!! Mike0 -
Simple solution...................if you do it
Melanie, you and your husband were married to become a partnership in life. A partnership is certainly not one person, it is two or more , so that tells me that your other partner (hubby) needs to be the one to inform his sisters of where they need to remove their noses from. When he said I do to you he also said I don't to them. You are his partner not them and the order is God, Family, and family means that you and him need to nip this in the bud immediately. When you marry the moms and dads also take a 2nd seat to the husband and wife, you were married to each other and not to the sisters or to moms or dads of either of yours. The sanctity in marriage is that you each above anything other than God show allegiance to each other regardless of whom stands before you. It should be the husband that tells his sisters that you are his keeper in this ordeal and that you will continue to be his partner in this relationship so that they all know that partners are capable of making their own decisions without help from outsiders. Yes , it will probably make the sisters a little peed but ya know, they probably are in a state of helplessness like all caregivers are and are lashing out at anything they can for solace, but they need to be reminded that they are not a figure in you and hubbys equation.......I have a mom just like that....you both have to give up the moms and dads and brothers and sisters and do it your own way, no matter what, or the marriage will falter or worse yet fail...Its a simple task to simply remain life partners in everything, and all answers and end results are a win/win for you both, not a compromise, because a compromise is a no win/no win event, it doesn't accomplish anything, its gotta be a mutual decision, marriage is not a competition, its a sharing of everything........Keep up the Chin, your doing great......Buzzard0 -
thanks so much mike.. It isMike49 said:Your being realistic
My wife suffered some of the same lame feedback from my family, and guess what we did have setbacks and only now are my sisters realizing I am in a fight (one I intend to win) for my life. Caregivers and partners like you are priceless, I know I would be lost without my wife's care and support. Your husband knows you are there for him and just gurding against all possibilities, otherwise if there is a setback you would literally be taken by surprise, its responsible of you to think one step ahead. Thank you for being a caring spouse, don't let the sister in-laws drag you down.
Mike
thanks so much mike.. It is a daily struggle to watch the other part of you hurt so much.. There is no place i would rather be. we are in this together!! Your wife is very strong too and i am glad we both can fight right along with you guys...
loves,
mel0 -
thank you! I am starting tomcsauder said:always being questioned!!
Hello Mel
I don't know if I'm going be of any help but the first thing is hold your head up and up high
You are the one that's by his side and all you can say is what you know this is a new thing for us all we are all learning as we go so don't let people put you down or hurt you do the best that you can do and that is all anyone can ask
HUGS!!!!!! Mike
thank you! I am starting to think they are all just scared and dont know how or what to say. I am scared too but i have to think on both ends of this otherwise i would lose my mind..
loves,
mel0 -
thanks buzz.. he said to meBuzzard said:Simple solution...................if you do it
Melanie, you and your husband were married to become a partnership in life. A partnership is certainly not one person, it is two or more , so that tells me that your other partner (hubby) needs to be the one to inform his sisters of where they need to remove their noses from. When he said I do to you he also said I don't to them. You are his partner not them and the order is God, Family, and family means that you and him need to nip this in the bud immediately. When you marry the moms and dads also take a 2nd seat to the husband and wife, you were married to each other and not to the sisters or to moms or dads of either of yours. The sanctity in marriage is that you each above anything other than God show allegiance to each other regardless of whom stands before you. It should be the husband that tells his sisters that you are his keeper in this ordeal and that you will continue to be his partner in this relationship so that they all know that partners are capable of making their own decisions without help from outsiders. Yes , it will probably make the sisters a little peed but ya know, they probably are in a state of helplessness like all caregivers are and are lashing out at anything they can for solace, but they need to be reminded that they are not a figure in you and hubbys equation.......I have a mom just like that....you both have to give up the moms and dads and brothers and sisters and do it your own way, no matter what, or the marriage will falter or worse yet fail...Its a simple task to simply remain life partners in everything, and all answers and end results are a win/win for you both, not a compromise, because a compromise is a no win/no win event, it doesn't accomplish anything, its gotta be a mutual decision, marriage is not a competition, its a sharing of everything........Keep up the Chin, your doing great......Buzzard
thanks buzz.. he said to me when they left, your opinion is the only one i trust. You love me, take care of me and always put me first.. Sucks to be them.. Man i love that guy! I will never let them get me down. i am fighting this fight just as hard as chris but just from different ways.. I am not going to give him or believe in false hope. There is only one thing we are sure of in this journey and that is we will fight as hard as we can and hope and pray for the best.. The rest is not up to us.. thanks for all your help! You really make me feel like i can do this..
Loves,
Mel0 -
I think it is his sistersBuzzard said:Simple solution...................if you do it
Melanie, you and your husband were married to become a partnership in life. A partnership is certainly not one person, it is two or more , so that tells me that your other partner (hubby) needs to be the one to inform his sisters of where they need to remove their noses from. When he said I do to you he also said I don't to them. You are his partner not them and the order is God, Family, and family means that you and him need to nip this in the bud immediately. When you marry the moms and dads also take a 2nd seat to the husband and wife, you were married to each other and not to the sisters or to moms or dads of either of yours. The sanctity in marriage is that you each above anything other than God show allegiance to each other regardless of whom stands before you. It should be the husband that tells his sisters that you are his keeper in this ordeal and that you will continue to be his partner in this relationship so that they all know that partners are capable of making their own decisions without help from outsiders. Yes , it will probably make the sisters a little peed but ya know, they probably are in a state of helplessness like all caregivers are and are lashing out at anything they can for solace, but they need to be reminded that they are not a figure in you and hubbys equation.......I have a mom just like that....you both have to give up the moms and dads and brothers and sisters and do it your own way, no matter what, or the marriage will falter or worse yet fail...Its a simple task to simply remain life partners in everything, and all answers and end results are a win/win for you both, not a compromise, because a compromise is a no win/no win event, it doesn't accomplish anything, its gotta be a mutual decision, marriage is not a competition, its a sharing of everything........Keep up the Chin, your doing great......Buzzard
I think it is his sisters who are being insensitive
almost to the point of harrassing.they need to step back
and realize that it is not their lives,but you and your husband's.
I have a sister who asked (demanded really) so many questions of such a personal
nature,I finally told her I would not discuss it with her anymore.
When she would call to see how I was,at the end of the conversation,
I felt so much worse than before the call.Yes she got her feelings hurt,
but I am no longer stressed out by conversations with her.
They probably don't think they are being intrusive or mean to be,
but you and your husband need to sit down and tell them you will share
information they need to know ,but somethings will be private.
good luck to you
GOD BLESS
KATE0 -
Slap Them All!!!KATE58 said:I think it is his sisters
I think it is his sisters who are being insensitive
almost to the point of harrassing.they need to step back
and realize that it is not their lives,but you and your husband's.
I have a sister who asked (demanded really) so many questions of such a personal
nature,I finally told her I would not discuss it with her anymore.
When she would call to see how I was,at the end of the conversation,
I felt so much worse than before the call.Yes she got her feelings hurt,
but I am no longer stressed out by conversations with her.
They probably don't think they are being intrusive or mean to be,
but you and your husband need to sit down and tell them you will share
information they need to know ,but somethings will be private.
good luck to you
GOD BLESS
KATE
And cuss them out, damn, how did you hold yourself back girl?? Don't do it, you let them know what's on your mind, maybe then they'll even help you out as well, but they have no business in putting you down at all or insulting what your doing, you're an angel sent for him, and taking care of him, he is soooo loving you more for this as well, I don't know what I'd do without my hubby! Clift's post is so spot on, no one is helping me my hubby and me and the kids, no one offers, no one comes to see in the hospital, not even his mom, his dad did, but he is doing mostly everything well, and I be darned I ever have anyone speak badly of him or question what his decisions or what he does. We love our caretakers very much!
Hugsss!
~Donna0 -
Us caretakers get slammedShayenne said:Slap Them All!!!
And cuss them out, damn, how did you hold yourself back girl?? Don't do it, you let them know what's on your mind, maybe then they'll even help you out as well, but they have no business in putting you down at all or insulting what your doing, you're an angel sent for him, and taking care of him, he is soooo loving you more for this as well, I don't know what I'd do without my hubby! Clift's post is so spot on, no one is helping me my hubby and me and the kids, no one offers, no one comes to see in the hospital, not even his mom, his dad did, but he is doing mostly everything well, and I be darned I ever have anyone speak badly of him or question what his decisions or what he does. We love our caretakers very much!
Hugsss!
~Donna
Us caretakers get slammed every so often. I've been pretty lucky but there is one that really puts me off and surprisingly it is my own sister. The one I thought I was close to. When I told her about George's cancer the only thing she said was "I hope he feels better". You have to to be kidding me, Stage IV and thats all you got to say. She said she would come down (about a 3 hour drive) but she never showed up. Anyway, I solve the problem by posting an e-mail every so often about George's progress. Most of the relatives, friends, nieces and nephews have been great. They expressed that they appreciate the e-mail updates and always respond if there is anything I need, just call, and they mean it. These are the people that send cards, still send George cards of encouragement, showed up at the hospital, etc. My sister, I have not called her since. My oldest sister, has been a Godsend and sat with me at the hospital, always checks up on us, well you get the picture. Take care - Tina0 -
Unsensitive Relatives and Friends
I have walked in both shoes now, as a caregiver and as a cancer patient myself. As both I found that many times family and friends who are not around to get the information for themselves, or those who are not able to face the reality of the situation are the first to flap their mouths and their remarks can be very hurtful.
Hold your head as high as you can knowing YOU are the one that is constantly at your husband's side. Try (even though it is hard) to remind yourself daily that your relatives and friends are hurting, afraid, and somewhat in the unknown and may not know what to say or that what they are saying is coming out wrong.
These type relative and friends are hanging on for dear life from fear. They don't know what questions to ask, nor what answers to expect. They mean well, yet they don't know enough about the situation to know how to do that.
Hang in there, your oppinion is the one that is going to count the most to your husband! Your husband's oppinion is the one that is going to mean the most to you! AND both of your oppinions are based on how you both feel, and the knowledge you both are gaining from the doctors, nurses, and just through your own experience.
Hugs
Debbie0 -
Thats my Little Spitfire there.......LOLShayenne said:Slap Them All!!!
And cuss them out, damn, how did you hold yourself back girl?? Don't do it, you let them know what's on your mind, maybe then they'll even help you out as well, but they have no business in putting you down at all or insulting what your doing, you're an angel sent for him, and taking care of him, he is soooo loving you more for this as well, I don't know what I'd do without my hubby! Clift's post is so spot on, no one is helping me my hubby and me and the kids, no one offers, no one comes to see in the hospital, not even his mom, his dad did, but he is doing mostly everything well, and I be darned I ever have anyone speak badly of him or question what his decisions or what he does. We love our caretakers very much!
Hugsss!
~Donna
LOL....Donna, tell em how ya really feel...LMAO......calm down sweetheart, LOL, One thing I like about you Donna is that we don't have to wonder what you think of something..LOL....keep up the good work girlfriend.....Your Bro, Buzz0 -
Care giversgrandma2selena said:Unsensitive Relatives and Friends
I have walked in both shoes now, as a caregiver and as a cancer patient myself. As both I found that many times family and friends who are not around to get the information for themselves, or those who are not able to face the reality of the situation are the first to flap their mouths and their remarks can be very hurtful.
Hold your head as high as you can knowing YOU are the one that is constantly at your husband's side. Try (even though it is hard) to remind yourself daily that your relatives and friends are hurting, afraid, and somewhat in the unknown and may not know what to say or that what they are saying is coming out wrong.
These type relative and friends are hanging on for dear life from fear. They don't know what questions to ask, nor what answers to expect. They mean well, yet they don't know enough about the situation to know how to do that.
Hang in there, your oppinion is the one that is going to count the most to your husband! Your husband's oppinion is the one that is going to mean the most to you! AND both of your oppinions are based on how you both feel, and the knowledge you both are gaining from the doctors, nurses, and just through your own experience.
Hugs
Debbie
Care givers are such an important and vital part of our recovery...Next time someone says that to you...... in fact I would call them and tell them how much that comment hurt you..Then I would fill them in on the facts. They have nooo clue whats happening to your hubby or what the two of you are going through..Set them straight then maybe just maybe they would become more involved with his care.....If your hubby hasn't said it (cause most men don't know how)I say THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!JULIE0 -
That's hurtful
Hey, Mel.
I'm sorry you had to put up with those comments. Hopefully they're just scared and think they're doing what's best. Berating you is NOT what is best, but maybe they didn't mean it to be as harsh as it sounds. I do think you should try to stick up for yourself if it happens again.
*hugs*
Gail0 -
they are out of line
You are handling this very well. I completely agree with hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. If for any reason he needs more treatment it won't be as much of a terrible shock - it will be something you thought might possibly happen, so you'll be prepared. Sticking our heads in the sand and saying there is no chance we'll not be NED after going through the first treatment doesn't help. Sure, staying positive is a great advantage, but being realistic is also. That seems to be the hardest thing to get across to some people. It sounds like your husband's family falls into that category.
Some people just don't handle challenges well.
Kudos to you for being so strong for him; taking care of him and the household while he can't. Personally I couldn't do this without the help my oldest daughter and husband have given me.0 -
Every Family Has One (or 2, or 3)
They are clueless as to what cancer is, or any disease it sounds like. Gee, I guess your husband is "lucky?" they visit him. Mel, you're being realistic. Of course you WANT him to be done with it ASAP but things have a way of getting done when they get done. Period. All the positive thinking in the world is not going to make it go away, it's up to your husband, you, his medical team, and some good luck from wherever (above - whatever you believe). I was happy to read that your husband only cares what you think, not his (obnoxious) sisters.
I'd go a step further Donna, I'd "punk slap" em all or do a Moe and knock Larry and Curely's heads together!
Keep doing what you guys are doing, that's how you beat it.
-phil0 -
Now Phil...PhillieG said:Every Family Has One (or 2, or 3)
They are clueless as to what cancer is, or any disease it sounds like. Gee, I guess your husband is "lucky?" they visit him. Mel, you're being realistic. Of course you WANT him to be done with it ASAP but things have a way of getting done when they get done. Period. All the positive thinking in the world is not going to make it go away, it's up to your husband, you, his medical team, and some good luck from wherever (above - whatever you believe). I was happy to read that your husband only cares what you think, not his (obnoxious) sisters.
I'd go a step further Donna, I'd "punk slap" em all or do a Moe and knock Larry and Curely's heads together!
Keep doing what you guys are doing, that's how you beat it.
-phil
Watching you do it the 3 Stooges way would be alot more funnier LOL
Sorry Clift, people who treat people like crap sure do set me off LOL.. got a lil carried away there..lol..I'll go back to my corner now
Hugsss!
~Donna0 -
Forget about what the
Forget about what the sisters said because they know nothing about Cancer.Buzzard is totally right,any other people from his family should take a second seat.During the treatment,my husband and I make decisions together,his sister is very respectful,she doesn't get involved in and being supportive to every decision we make.As husband and wife,we are the only one who has been through all the emotional shocks and heartches.We are the only ones who takes good care of our husbands and we are the only ones who got gray and wrinkled in a young age.I am sure his sisters have their own life,it is really not their business,next time just tell them you don't need those comments.0 -
Perhaps
You need to start posting on Care Pages or something like that so people can read his progress that YOU post and not ask you questions. Check out www.carepages.com. Your thoughts are your own and others should not fault you for how you feel or think. Don't let them get to you. In-laws can do that sometimes, ok alot of times!0 -
THANK YOU everyone!!! I havesfmarie said:Perhaps
You need to start posting on Care Pages or something like that so people can read his progress that YOU post and not ask you questions. Check out www.carepages.com. Your thoughts are your own and others should not fault you for how you feel or think. Don't let them get to you. In-laws can do that sometimes, ok alot of times!
THANK YOU everyone!!! I have only been on this site for a short time and i honestly could not do this without you all.... I fee so much better after i read your posts...0 -
So Sorry
People are so insensitive. They have no idea what they are talking about. Most of them are just there for the fun times. I was in the hospital for 14 days for emergency surgery for obstructions which turned out to be Stage IIIc, 8/32 positive lymph nodes, had resection and chemo followed. At the same time my sisters house burned to the ground. She never once called me or came to see me. I was visiting at my moms house when she called so I got on the phone to say hello. She started crying about loosing here house and said she just couldn't call me. Then proceeded to tell how horrible it was to loose everything. Broke my heart. I felt bad but how many of us would exchange material things for our health. I know I would. I was very sympathetic towards her but it really hurt my feelings. She has yet to call or talk to me about my cancer. When I finished my chemo she asked my mom why I wasn't back to work yet. People just don't get it. You don't let anyone try to enter in where they don't belong. You and your husband live it and you make your decisions based on experience, knowledge and your dedication to one another. I'm sorry they have been so disrespectful to you. You're in my prayers. Big hugs to you both.
Blessings to all,
Debbie (gramma)0
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