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Need advice badly

ruthelizabeth
Posts: 146
Joined: May 2009

My husband has RCC and is on Afinitor. I know that we have only a little time for it to kick in and work. Don is still active and trying to lead a normal life. He has a pretty positive attitude.

He has four kids. Two are stable and self-supporting. The son is managing on his own in his own way, no job, but he gets by okay. They are all five hours north of us.

The youngest has just turned 22. She is bi-polar, but has been stable for three years. She is spoiled rotten, has a fresh mouth, lives in great comfort in her mother's house five minutes away and has been fired from every job she's ever had. Since she has no bills that she herself must pay, that rarely bothers her. Since the time three years ago when she began to crash off her meds while driving, her mother refuses to let her have a car.

Don loves all his kids and, especially now, he wants to see them able to support themselves and do well.

The youngest, J,, just got a job. Amazing in itself and a tribute to her mother's nagging which she does periodically. It is from 9:30-1:30. She assumed that my husband would drive her. I could see that those hours would be very difficult for my husband. He normally manages breakfast at 9-9:30, lunch and a nap at 1-1:30. I wanted him to have rest and food and also a chance to do what he likes, especially now. I called J and told her exactly where we were and that her dad needed rest and asked her firmly to find other transportation. She sniffled and said she would. Do I need to tell you that my husband is driving her? I should also add that after four days on the job (we're into the second week now), she may be ready when he comes, but she doesn't want to leave until the very last minute. He is hungry, but he has to wait for her.

And now the piece de resistance.

My husband's cancer is now coming out in lumps under the skin. THree of them are especially bothersome. The oncologist agreed that they should come out. The surgeon and dr. both want it done as soon as possible. For one thing the one on his face may shortly become an open sore. The arrangements were just made. However, the preadmittance appt. is for 9AM Mon. and the surgery for 10AM Tues. These times are very upsetting to my husband because..... how will J. get to work?

I do try to do my best for everyone. (J. has beaten me up and attempted to do it to both her dad and me -- and once it was strictly a temper tantrum, no bi-polar involved, but I'm still decent to her, try hard to be at least courteous, etc.) However, I am so upset now that I am seriously considering upsetting my husband a lot by asking him what is more important -- his health or J's ride to work.

Any advice would be very welcome. I don't know what to do anymore.

beacon
Posts: 82
Joined: Apr 2009

ruth, can you talk to her mother, and ask her to look after that aspect of her daughters life?
afterall, she lives with her mother, and he mother is well..
whether or not she can actually physically drive her or not, she should still take responsibility for sorting out the situation..neither you nor your husband should really know anything about it...you have enough to deal with at the moment, and the stress is not going to help your husband get better...

i would talk to her mother and dump the problem in her lap to take care of....(short of throttling the selfish daughter!)
honestly, young people can be very selfish, and not really understand the enormity of what is happening in someone elses life.... to her, how she gets to work is the drama of dramas and that fine, but she can sort out her own problems...along with her mother...

do you think you could handball it over to her???

beacon
Posts: 82
Joined: Apr 2009

the other thought i wanted to add, was to suggest she look into public transport options, or carpool options....if she can't find someone to carpool with, she can surely work out a bus route....

otherwise, i would work it out for her, print it off, and say "you're an adult, now start being responsible and get yourself to work!"

she will continue to mooch as much as she can, and turn on the tears et, until someone says enoughs enough....

it should be her mother that takes that responsibility, as you both do not need the stress at the moment, but if she won't, maybe you need to play hardball???

ruthelizabeth
Posts: 146
Joined: May 2009

Things have sorted themselves out a little. I think my husband could see that I was upset so he talked to the youngest and says she's going to try to find another way to work those two days.

As for her mother, not a chance. His ex married the reason for the divorce and within a year showed my husband the divorce papers for the new one. However, she wasn't going to give them to him until he finished remodeling the house. She's like that.

Ah well. Thanks, though. The way things are going physically since I posted the topic, J. may shortly have to find other transportation everyday.

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