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Meeting The Nicest People in the Hospital

WildGoose7's picture
WildGoose7
Posts: 34
Joined: Aug 2009

All

About 9 am this morning, I thought about calling Lori's and my friend Cathy P. just to chat and give her a status. Cathy and her husband stored one of Lori's cars from March to July. I had not seen them since I was an in patient in Kansas City 6-10 July as they took care of my dogs during that time. Lori was back in California at her job.

I felt tired and laid down and the next thing I knew, my alarm clock was going off to get ready to go.

I ran into Cathy P. going into the hospital today. She is a breast cancer survivor of some 5 years. I briefly explained what was going on in my life at home, and she invited me out to their farm just to get away or to fish in their pond.

I am becoming more of the opinion that my wife, Lori, is firmly in the denial phase with my cancer. She doesn't want to know anything about it or my treatments. I'm lucky that she does flush my spare line on my Bard PICC twice each day. Any other discussion just makes her angry at me, so I don't say anything to her just to avoid confrontation.

I plan to discuss this with my chaplain friend in the next few days, but any ideas you, my friends may have, are appreciated.

Mike

MOE58's picture
MOE58
Posts: 649
Joined: May 2009

Mike,

It will take time for your wife Lori to accept the fact that you have cancer, I know I was devasted as well when I found out about my husband, I thought there is no way he can have cancer, he just can't he isn't suppose to have it it is suppose to be someone else, the day the doctor told us he had a tumor, I was absolutely beside myself. I thought no way, and so did he, you see jeff and I had only been married 2 years, and we had separated for about 4 months before we found out. we lived together for over 3 years but we liked our independency so being together as a couple was hard, so when we finally started talking about it I told myself OK Lori, it is now time to pull up your BIG GIRL PANTIES and move on with this ugly disease we call cancer, we Jeff started his treatments and started chemo, he was really hateful, there were days I just wanted to give up, he cried I cried and thought how can this be happening to us, we shouldn't have to deal with this, but as time went on and we came to terms with it, we are survivors, Jeff was a person of don't tell me what to do, and never ever asked for help but as time went on we had chemo and then surgery, it definately opened not only his eyes but mine, Cancer changes you, and when you are told you have cancer, you really look at life a whole lot differently. I thought to myself okay we started this Journey together we will finish this journey together, I went to every doctors appt, i took 6 weeks off work, after surgery, and i am there with him until the end.

You see I think your wife, really loves you, but just doesn't know how to accept you having Cancer, she was probably like me, you were always active never was down, always gone hunting, working or just dealing with everyday life. Your wife Lori is probably asking why us!!! just like I did. In due time she will come around its just right now its hard, for her, she just doesn't know what to say to you afraid she might say the wrong thing, or hurt you, she is AFRAID i know. If you could get her to sign on here and read some posts it would really help her. I know you two been married awhile but sometimes, things like this upsets the apple cart, and now she is wondering in her mind, is he going to be okay, is he going to die, is he going to leave me all alone am i going to be a widow, etc etc. I had these visions for awhile so I sorta know whats going through her mind.

I just want you to hang in there, and offer everytime to her if she wants to go, let her know its not contagious its a disease, but if she refuses just go on, go see your friend, like you posted, or just chill out, no you probably won't be able to hunt, but you will be able to do most things just in a different way. You will tire more easely but YOU ARE STILL THE SAME PERSON SHE MARRIED SO LONG AGON, STILL THE SAME FATHER, STILL THE SAME OF EVERYTHING, you just have this disease we call CANCER, and until further notice I don't think you have an expiration date.

Just hang in there Mike, and know I am here or we are here, I hoped I was able to answer some of your questions tonight and hope someday your wife will come around.

Just continue the treatments and keep your chin up, together we will fight this disease we call "CANCER".

with hugs and faith you will get through this from all of us.

Lori aka MOE

WildGoose7's picture
WildGoose7
Posts: 34
Joined: Aug 2009

Lori

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I appreciate it greatly.

Mike

Donna70's picture
Donna70
Posts: 920
Joined: Aug 2009

Hi Mike,
My partner in crime!!! at least for treatment times! I will pray that your Lori accepts this, because you need the emotional and psychological support so badly right now. My husband was not angry but for a few weeks he could not actually say the words, Donna has cancer. Till he had to ask off from his bosses and he said the more he actually said the words the easier it became. He is very sad for me not angry so think you might be right about denial. Lori aka Moe is right, your Lori has to put those big girl panties on and get going. Anyone with this disease needs all the support they can get. Maybe when you talk to your friend Lori could be there and maybe she needs to air her feelings about her fears etc. My husband, Ron, was denying that they will take my esophagus out so I told him info gradually. I will pray for you and your Lori. Good luck!
Donna70

WildGoose7's picture
WildGoose7
Posts: 34
Joined: Aug 2009

Donna70

Thanks for your insight. It may work, but right now, I doubt it.

My Lori hasn't informed anyone at her military job that I have cancer. Only 1 person there knows it, and understands that it is not his place to spill the beans.

Having been a Commanding Officer during my military career, this information is a much needed personnel management tool for scheduling - needless to say, I'm a bit disgusted with her right now.

Thanks again for being there.

Prayers and best wishes

Mike

mumphy's picture
mumphy
Posts: 486
Joined: Jun 2009

SOME TIMES IT'S HARD FOR A SPOUSE TO ADMIT THAT THE PERSON THEY LOVE SO MUCH IS VERY ILL.
LORI MAY STILL BE IN SHOCK OVER THE DIAGNOSIS OF CANCER. WHEN AL WAS DIAGNOSED IT WAS HARD FOR HIM TO SAY HE HAD CANCER FOR THE LONGEST TIME, IT SANK IN SLOWLY AND NOW ALMOST 5 MONTHS LATER AFTER ALL THE CHEMO AND DR'S APPTS HE HAS ACCEPTED IT AND WE HAVE GROWN CLOSER
THAN WE EVER WERE AND WE HAVE BEEN VERY CLOSE FOR 12 YEARS.

JUST GIVE HER TIME HOPEFULLY SHE WILL COME AROUND. MAY I ASK IM NOT SURE HOW LONG YOU HAVE BEEN MARRIED? HAS SHE ALWAYS HAD A HARD TIME ACCEPTING BAD NEWS? THERE MAY BE SOMETHING IN HER PAST THAT MAY BE HOLDING HER BACK.

ANYWAY WE ARE HERE FOR YOU AND ALWAYS WILL BE.

GOD BLESS
KATH

WildGoose7's picture
WildGoose7
Posts: 34
Joined: Aug 2009

Kathy

Thanks for your support for me. Like all of my other friends I've made on this board, I gain strength and stiffen my resolve from the caring responses and inspiration.

You'd think that after 24 years of marriage, I'd know how she thinks, but I can't get a line on that issue. Even her mother doesn't understand her. I really need to get a line on this before things get worse with the chemo and radiation.

I had my 7th radiation treatment today and will get to see the Grand Old Man of radiology oncology tomorrow, or at least that is what my oncologist refers to Dr. Reymond. What a thorough, painstaking perfectionist he is.

All my best wishes and hopes for you and Al.

Mike

MOE58's picture
MOE58
Posts: 649
Joined: May 2009

Mike,

Just hang in there like I said she hasn't accepted the fact that you have cancer, when she does it may be too late, but you have to know you tried, she will be the one that will be sorry for not helping you, or thinking it would all go away, when in reality it won't be. I truly know you have tried everything you possibly can, but she is just not wanting to accept the fact that her husband has cancer. You have just got to keep going and fight this disease we call CANCER, but if she doesn't come around or don't want to help then know you have done all you can do.

IF i can help please let me know

Lori

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