This is beginning to burn me out! Too much! Family doesnt help much! Mom in distress all the time! A

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hornelas80
hornelas80 Member Posts: 1
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
OMG! The stress is beginning to get to me, my spirit, my everything. I never thought it was going to be this hard. I am usually able to manage and be under a lot of stress but now I feel like I can't do this anymore. I have so much going on, I need some guidance. My mom was diagnosed with multiple mulerian ovarian cancer in April 2008 (after she had been suffering from severe abdominal pain, vomiting, diarrhea for about 6 months. She refused to see a doctor cuz she was scared, she was diagnosed with breast CA in 2003 and went through the whole treatment). When she finally decided to see a doctor the cancer had spread to her colon and she had emergency surgery because she had an obstruction. She was then given chemo for about 8 months. She wasn't very compliant with the tx and took 1 month breaks here and there so her numbers kept going up. Recently, after she saw that the chemo wasnt doing much, she decided she no longer wanted tx. It is very hard for the whole family to accept this. I accept it, but I wish she were open to other options. She refuses any type of help. I tried getting several hospice nurses to talk to her to see if she would agree to hospice/palliative care and she refused. I feel like I have my hands tied up. She is deteriorating, having a lot of symptoms of pain and shortness of breath and there's nothing I can do. I suggest we go to the ER but she does not want to. It's even more frustrating because I myself am an RN (recently graduated), and know there are many things that can be done to help comfort her during her last months of life, but she refuses it all. My family certainly does not help much. I mean, I have a brother (older than me, Im 29, by the way) who has his own issues (psychological) and does not help the situation. He lives with my mom and is always in a very bad mood, is very disrespectful, and doesn't do anything to help. When I try to correct him, my mother sometimes sides with him and lashes out at me! My mother has always been a worry bug and still likes to get her nose in other people's business. It makes it very frustrating because I'm trying to fix things at home so that she can be as comfortable as she can be and she lashes out at me. She thinks I'm being too tough on my brothers. We're all struggling. My dad works his butt off and my brothers are old enough to be able to help around the house and help them financially and they don't. It's just a big mess. I feel like I am rambling and not making any sense. It is 5 a.m. and I woke up and just started thinking about all this and just started crying. My mom is deteriorating right in front of us and I feel like I'm the only one that is trying to move the world to help her. And there is only so much I can do. Everything I do, my mother just knocks it down. I'm putting a lot of effort and nothing comes out of it. On top of that I just started my career as a RN and have had a tough time getting my career going due to the economy. I finally managed to find a pretty good job, but am still looking elsewhere so I go on a lot of interviews. I do all this on top of reaching out to help my mom whenever she needs it. It's just so much and not enough time. I've gained so much weight. I dont have the energy or motivation to exercise. I feel like my life is just a big mess sometimes. Careerwise it's going good, relationshipwise it's going good, but the stress! I'm beginning to have a hard time coping with all the stress. Some words of advice, any would help. Please!

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  • soccerfreaks
    soccerfreaks Member Posts: 2,788 Member
    #2
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    Breathe
    My advice, first, would be to take a deep breathe and try to relax. My second advice would be to reconsider the exercise, and take time to get back into it. As a recent RN grad, you must be aware of the therapeutic effects of exercise, that is, that it is a powerful tool for both the body AND the mind. Make the time for yourself to get re-engaged with that, for your well-being.

    I would next advise that you learn as quickly as possible something you will learn eventually one way or the other, either through life experience or job experience: you cannot control everything.

    Trying to juggle so many balls, if you will, to control so much now when it appears you may be stepping back into the situation after time away (is that correct, by chance, or are you 'merely' making efforts you did not make before, in terms of brothers and so forth?) is expecting too much of yourself.

    As a recent RN grad, you should be aware that patients can choose not to be patients, and there is little that a medical professional can do about it but to mark the chart Left Against Doctor's Advice, or whatever. I do not know how old mom is, I don't know mom's beliefs, but some folks a) do not believe in western technology/medicine and so forego it; b) have heard horror stories about the effects of respected western medical treatments and so forego it; or c) have simply decided that they have suffered enough and want to spend the last time they have enjoying their lives to the best of their abilities.

    As for the brothers, I would advise, as the oldest in a family of six (quite a bit older than you, by the way) that you may be picking the wrong time to wage this particular battle, what with the more important issue of your mom's care in the foreground. If they are are emotionally or otherwise unprepared or unable to help, and if mom accepts that, as it appears, I don't know what you can do to change that without, as you have pointed out yourself, simply escalating tensions at a time when you would probably rather not.

    Breathe. Accept reality. Talk to mom about the end game she is headed for, so that she is at least aware of the reality, and ask her to talk with you about bringing hospice folks in to help (she does not necessarily have to leave the house to receive help), letting her know it will be a great assist to both her and the boys and you to do so. Talk to her about any plans she has for the end, talk of living wills, and all of that legal stuff that may not seem important now, may even seem gruesome now, but will sure seem awfully important in the not too distant future, it seems.

    Do not, however, foresake your mom for her occasional anger and 'lashing out'. These are a by-product of learning we are mortal, of beginning to count down the days, of having something invading our bodies. Please forgive mom in advance for this behaviour.

    Breathe. Take care of yourself.

    Best wishes to mom and her family.

    My advice does not help your mom, I know, but maybe it can help you, at least a bit. Do not consider it selfish. One thing I really believe in: to be a good caregiver, you have to take good care of the giver. This applies to you.

    Incidentally, congratulations on your recent graduation and acceptance into the medical profession! You will find, years from now, it is to be hoped, that the person who now thinks she knows everything really knows next to nothing. If you don't believe that, you can ask my wife or, better yet, her husband: it has taken her a number of years to reach omniscience :).

    Take care,

    Joe

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