Losing hope and patients

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ktmoore
ktmoore Member Posts: 2
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
I am my mom's caregiver and I am losing it! She has been going through chemo since February. She has lost 56 pounds, she won't eat! Her chemo keeps her from eating anything cold so everything has to be hot or room temperature. I am literally having to force food into her. Then she gets mad at me for doing it. I figured it up that in 3 days she ate about 900 calories. Because she won't eat, she is extremely weak, her hair is falling out and she feels terrible all the time. So all she does is complain about all of this but won't do anything about it. I can't imagine what she's going through, I know it's tough, but I'm running out of ideas and of sanity. Can anyone give me any ideas for food, inspiration, ....anything?

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  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670
    #2
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    First of all...
    make sure her medical team is aware of the situation, as they surely must be. Ask them to talk with her about the necessity of nutrition to her well-being and what the consequences will eventually be if she does not take in reasonable amounts of calories.
    Secondly, stop treating her like a 4 year old who won't eat her peas and is not allowed to leave the table until she does. That is what trying to force someone to eat amounts to.
    Instead, have an adult conversation with her and give her back her own responsibility for herself. Be as positive and encouraging as you can about presenting her with good food, taking whatever input she will offer about what she might be able to eat. Then back off and let her be an adult.
    God bless.
  • soccerfreaks
    soccerfreaks Member Posts: 2,788 Member
    #3
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    Nutrition
    ktmoore, you have a tough job, and I doubt anyone on this site would dispute that. I admire you for hanging in there, and also for seeking solutions to a difficult problem.

    Without knowing the nature of mom's cancer, what sort of treatments other than chemotherapy, or even what kind of chemotherapy, it is difficult to provide specific answers.

    However, I will submit that if mom has consumed 900 calories over a three day period, mom is indeed in danger of starvation, and the first thing to do is to take her to the hospital to see her nutritionist. If she does not have a nutrionist, she needs one. This professional can assess the nature of mom's treatments, assess what she is capable of eating, and then offer suggestions for meals that will satisfy both mom's requirements and her desires.

    Understand, ktmoore, that for many folks chemo tends to turn against the taste buds, such that many normally enjoyable foods suddenly taste metallic, coppery, for example. For someone dealing with cancer and the other effects of chemo, the idea of eating things that may cause more cancer (the 'copper' taste) or even simply suck, frankly, is cause for depression (which is indicated by lack of appetite, by the way), or simple disgust for one's diet.

    This is not to be unexpected.

    Your job is to communicate with mom, to ask what she wants to eat, and to then make whatever that is, fully expecting that she will refuse it or eat very little of it, once you have slaved away to prepare it. That is the nature of the beast, so to speak.

    If the chemo makes her severely nauseous, you may also consider that she is not so much refusing to eat as denying the chemo its chance to provoke that nausea. That happens, more often than people will admit.

    Me, I would concentrate on the depression, the nausea, and the possibility of providing her liquid nourishment instead.

    Take care,

    Joe
  • ktmoore
    ktmoore Member Posts: 2
    #4
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    I have tried reasoning with
    I have tried reasoning with her every way I can think of. Her doctor has talked to her about not eating and she is aware that she will be put in the hospital if she doesn't eat more. I have talked to her woman to woman, I have pleaded and begged, I've even had her friends call her and beg her to eat. If I don't force her, she doesn't eat.
  • SonSon
    SonSon Member Posts: 174
    #5
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    ktmoore said:

    I have tried reasoning with
    I have tried reasoning with her every way I can think of. Her doctor has talked to her about not eating and she is aware that she will be put in the hospital if she doesn't eat more. I have talked to her woman to woman, I have pleaded and begged, I've even had her friends call her and beg her to eat. If I don't force her, she doesn't eat.

    BOOST
    Boost - or other high calorie, high protein supplement drinks. They can be served room temperature.
    My mother-in-law is on the force-feed train, too. If I hand her a cookie or toast she just leans back and falls asleep, food in hand.
    So, I sit there and feed little bits like a bird and keep pushing the boost. She likes it really cold. My mother-in-law complains about the force feeding (well, I am not exactly holding her mouth open or anything - just INSISTING) but I have to do something to keep her nourished and try try try to keep something on that twiggy frame of hers.
    Try to keep talking to yourself and remind yourself that because you love your mom and want to help her survive you need to do the necessary, even if she is not happy with you at the time.
    Did you always happily take your medicine as a child? Well, it is time for us to lower our wings to our parents, so to speak.
    We're here for you to encourage you!
    Fatima
  • MichelleP
    MichelleP Member Posts: 254
    #6
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    SonSon said:

    BOOST
    Boost - or other high calorie, high protein supplement drinks. They can be served room temperature.
    My mother-in-law is on the force-feed train, too. If I hand her a cookie or toast she just leans back and falls asleep, food in hand.
    So, I sit there and feed little bits like a bird and keep pushing the boost. She likes it really cold. My mother-in-law complains about the force feeding (well, I am not exactly holding her mouth open or anything - just INSISTING) but I have to do something to keep her nourished and try try try to keep something on that twiggy frame of hers.
    Try to keep talking to yourself and remind yourself that because you love your mom and want to help her survive you need to do the necessary, even if she is not happy with you at the time.
    Did you always happily take your medicine as a child? Well, it is time for us to lower our wings to our parents, so to speak.
    We're here for you to encourage you!
    Fatima

    My husband had lost 20lbs
    My husband had lost 20lbs while in the hospital and since he's been home now (about two months) I've managed to get all the lost weight back on him. He too is very picky about foods. I blend Ensure plus, ice cream and protein powder for him and he loves it. The Ensure is packed with vitamins and the protein is critical for them while under treatments. The protein powder comes in many different flavors too! Good luck with your mom and let us know how things go please.
  • terato
    terato Member Posts: 375
    #7
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    MichelleP said:

    My husband had lost 20lbs
    My husband had lost 20lbs while in the hospital and since he's been home now (about two months) I've managed to get all the lost weight back on him. He too is very picky about foods. I blend Ensure plus, ice cream and protein powder for him and he loves it. The Ensure is packed with vitamins and the protein is critical for them while under treatments. The protein powder comes in many different flavors too! Good luck with your mom and let us know how things go please.

    I followed nearly the same recipe, adding ginger powder...
    to combat nausea.

    Rick
  • NBTXGIRL
    NBTXGIRL Member Posts: 31
    #8
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    Doing the same with Dad
    KT,

    I am going through the same experience with my father. He was diagnosised on June 8th, 2009, with Stage IV colon cancer with mets to his spine, liver, both lungs, lymphnodes, and bones. Unfortunately, his colon was perforated during his colonoscopy which left him with a colostomy. He is currently taking Eloxatin, which does not allow him to have anything cold either. He takes chemo every other week, the oncologist told me he only had to stay away from cold things for the first 7 days after the Eloxatin infusion, then he could resume cold items until his next Eloxatin treatment. We have not had any problems so far. I, too, had a terrible time trying to get him to eat, because in his mind, if he didn't eat, he wouldn't have the nausea and diarrhea, therefore, we wouldn't have to empty the colostomy bag as much. The oncologist put him on Megestrol Acetate tonic which is an appetite stimulant. My father is also having trouble with his taste buds, but fortunately "sweets" have not been affected, so I can normally get pudding and jello down him. I hide the tonic in the pudding so it doesn't taste so bad. I buy the prepackaged pudding off the shelf at the store so it is room tempature and mix it in a bowl. On the other days, I mix it with vanilla ice cream and make malts for him. Also a really tasty quick and easy treat I make, is I take two flavored yogurt cups (Stawberry/Banana or Key Lime)and mix it with a regular tub of cool whip. This can be placed in a store bought graham cracker pie shell and frozen (like an ice cream pie), left soft or put in a bowl as a fruit dip. At least it will give her some strength back. Everyone in the house eats it. I hope this helps.

    I am new to the group, but unfortunately, not new to the cause. I lost my mother 3 years ago to colon cancer, but she fought hard for 10 years, so I have learned a few tricks along the way. As for the anger, it comes with the condition and the feeling of being no longer needed. I always tried to make my mother feel a part of things, like asking her to sit in the kitchen with me and tell me how to make one of her recipes, or running between kitchen and bedroom asking whats next. My father owned a landscaping company so we are relandscaping my yard from his bed most of the time. Finally, both of them would get so embarrassed or frustrated about one of their conditions, so I gave them names. It is not Daddy's colostomy that is giving me a hard time at 3am, it is "George" acting up again. Sounds silly but it detaches "him" from being a problem for me and puts the focus on the condition that is the problem. Also, it makes it easier when we are in front of people for me to ask how "George" is doing.

    The only true advise I can give, is take it day by day, looking to far into the future will only stress you out more.

    Kim
  • soccerfreaks
    soccerfreaks Member Posts: 2,788 Member
    #9
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    NBTXGIRL said:

    Doing the same with Dad
    KT,

    I am going through the same experience with my father. He was diagnosised on June 8th, 2009, with Stage IV colon cancer with mets to his spine, liver, both lungs, lymphnodes, and bones. Unfortunately, his colon was perforated during his colonoscopy which left him with a colostomy. He is currently taking Eloxatin, which does not allow him to have anything cold either. He takes chemo every other week, the oncologist told me he only had to stay away from cold things for the first 7 days after the Eloxatin infusion, then he could resume cold items until his next Eloxatin treatment. We have not had any problems so far. I, too, had a terrible time trying to get him to eat, because in his mind, if he didn't eat, he wouldn't have the nausea and diarrhea, therefore, we wouldn't have to empty the colostomy bag as much. The oncologist put him on Megestrol Acetate tonic which is an appetite stimulant. My father is also having trouble with his taste buds, but fortunately "sweets" have not been affected, so I can normally get pudding and jello down him. I hide the tonic in the pudding so it doesn't taste so bad. I buy the prepackaged pudding off the shelf at the store so it is room tempature and mix it in a bowl. On the other days, I mix it with vanilla ice cream and make malts for him. Also a really tasty quick and easy treat I make, is I take two flavored yogurt cups (Stawberry/Banana or Key Lime)and mix it with a regular tub of cool whip. This can be placed in a store bought graham cracker pie shell and frozen (like an ice cream pie), left soft or put in a bowl as a fruit dip. At least it will give her some strength back. Everyone in the house eats it. I hope this helps.

    I am new to the group, but unfortunately, not new to the cause. I lost my mother 3 years ago to colon cancer, but she fought hard for 10 years, so I have learned a few tricks along the way. As for the anger, it comes with the condition and the feeling of being no longer needed. I always tried to make my mother feel a part of things, like asking her to sit in the kitchen with me and tell me how to make one of her recipes, or running between kitchen and bedroom asking whats next. My father owned a landscaping company so we are relandscaping my yard from his bed most of the time. Finally, both of them would get so embarrassed or frustrated about one of their conditions, so I gave them names. It is not Daddy's colostomy that is giving me a hard time at 3am, it is "George" acting up again. Sounds silly but it detaches "him" from being a problem for me and puts the focus on the condition that is the problem. Also, it makes it easier when we are in front of people for me to ask how "George" is doing.

    The only true advise I can give, is take it day by day, looking to far into the future will only stress you out more.

    Kim

    Welcome, Kim
    It is a crummy club, due to the entry requirements, but the members are fantastic!

    Excellent advice, by the way. I will have to try the thing about the yogurt and the cool whip (if it sucks, you will be getting a package in the mail, so have your spoons ready :)).

    Again welcome!

    Best wishes to dad and his family.

    Take care,

    Joe

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