Help me with my Mom please
Comments
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Lisa13Q
Hi Lisa,
I understand how terrible a shock this is to you and Mom, rest assured she loves you and knows how hard you're trying to be helpful to her.
I know, as a mother, that she feels awful putting this problem onto her family, even though it was not her fault for getting cancer.
Of course Mom is terrified, as you and your sister are, all of us and our families were just as frightened with our diagnosis.
It's wonderful that your sister got her into Sloan Kettering so fast, and she'll get excellent care there.
Treatments and chemo. drugs have come a long way, and OVCA is now treated as a chronic condition which has to be treated with each recurrence.
I am staged 4B and I'm about to start my 3rd kind of chemo for recurrence. I was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago.
During her surgery the GYN/ONC surgeon will remove all visible signs of cancer and send biopsies to the pathology lab. When the pathology report comes back, she'll know how she's been staged and what treatment her oncologist feels that she needs.
What you can do, since it sounds like Mom is a strong woman, who doesn't want to give up control of her situation, is to just be there to be supportive, and let her tell you what she needs from you.
After her surgery, and if she should also need chemo. there will be a greater need for you to physically help her, you'll know what she needs, or wants by what she says, or asks for. The doctor and nurses will also give you guidence.
Try to relax, and take it one step at a time.
You can always do research on the computer and educate yourself to OVCA, that will help you when you talk to her doctors.
Best of luck to Mom and keep us updated.
Jane0 -
to Janejane65 said:Lisa13Q
Hi Lisa,
I understand how terrible a shock this is to you and Mom, rest assured she loves you and knows how hard you're trying to be helpful to her.
I know, as a mother, that she feels awful putting this problem onto her family, even though it was not her fault for getting cancer.
Of course Mom is terrified, as you and your sister are, all of us and our families were just as frightened with our diagnosis.
It's wonderful that your sister got her into Sloan Kettering so fast, and she'll get excellent care there.
Treatments and chemo. drugs have come a long way, and OVCA is now treated as a chronic condition which has to be treated with each recurrence.
I am staged 4B and I'm about to start my 3rd kind of chemo for recurrence. I was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago.
During her surgery the GYN/ONC surgeon will remove all visible signs of cancer and send biopsies to the pathology lab. When the pathology report comes back, she'll know how she's been staged and what treatment her oncologist feels that she needs.
What you can do, since it sounds like Mom is a strong woman, who doesn't want to give up control of her situation, is to just be there to be supportive, and let her tell you what she needs from you.
After her surgery, and if she should also need chemo. there will be a greater need for you to physically help her, you'll know what she needs, or wants by what she says, or asks for. The doctor and nurses will also give you guidence.
Try to relax, and take it one step at a time.
You can always do research on the computer and educate yourself to OVCA, that will help you when you talk to her doctors.
Best of luck to Mom and keep us updated.
Jane
Thanks so much. Just knowing someone is there is wonderful. You are correct about her not wanting to give up control. Who would. I will keep you posted and will also say a prayer to the Gods above for you and your next round of chemo. It'si amazing. I knew nothing about OVCA 3 days ago, now I feel like I have a mission in life: cure this awful silent disease. Thanks so much. Maybe I can sleep tonight!!0 -
Sorry and glad you found this site
Lisa,
Jane's comments were really wonderful, so I'll try not to repeat them. I'm sorry you had to be looking for this site, but glad you found it. Please read through some of the posts - you will learn a lot about the physical and emotional aspects of OVCA.
It sounds like your mother is trying so hard to be "unafraid" that anything out of the ordinary just sneaks in there and pulls some of the interior terror out of her. She knows how hard you are trying to help her, and she probably feels guilty about not being the caregiver.
You can't do much better than Sloan-Kettering, you'll be in great hands there. Please don't forget to take care of you - you are certainly allowed to be feel terrified as well! You know that education is the best treatment for fear, so find out what you can.
Please come here often - we care about you and your mother.
Love and hugs, Carol0 -
We are here for you and your momcarol2dogs said:Sorry and glad you found this site
Lisa,
Jane's comments were really wonderful, so I'll try not to repeat them. I'm sorry you had to be looking for this site, but glad you found it. Please read through some of the posts - you will learn a lot about the physical and emotional aspects of OVCA.
It sounds like your mother is trying so hard to be "unafraid" that anything out of the ordinary just sneaks in there and pulls some of the interior terror out of her. She knows how hard you are trying to help her, and she probably feels guilty about not being the caregiver.
You can't do much better than Sloan-Kettering, you'll be in great hands there. Please don't forget to take care of you - you are certainly allowed to be feel terrified as well! You know that education is the best treatment for fear, so find out what you can.
Please come here often - we care about you and your mother.
Love and hugs, Carol
Lisa, Great posts above like Carol said with great ideas. Do come here often and talk. I have found it a great source of comfort to be able to ask and say what I normally wouldn't with my regular social group.
I was diagnosed with 3c ovarian cancer and had surgery and then treatment, taxol/carboplatin. I am also a mom that had to give up control of my house to my 18 year old daughter as she became my main caregiver. When I was weak and sick that wasn't really an issue for me, just trying not to puke was. But on my good days when I wanted to get up and do something productive I found my daughter and I coming to heads about how things were done in the house. She insisted on absolutely clean kitchen counters, I have always had a spot to put my important mail and to do items. She started moviing this stuff around. My advice when you do start helping around the house is to respect her and ask how she would like things done.
Educate yourself on the disease, and let her talk about it.
Check out the resource pages and maybe look into a support group to meet with.
Stay in touch with us.
Love and Prayers for you and your mom,
Anita0 -
Dear Lisa
I am so sorry to hear about your mother.
I just wanted to add my two-cents about the anger I felt when I was initially diagnosed. I lashed out at my husband terriby; and I certainly wish I hadn't. He's going through this, too, just as you will be going through this with your mother.
Just like me, I'm sure your mother did not mean the things she said when she yelled at you. She's not mad at you; she's mad at the situation and the not-knowing what is ahead.
It's not an easy road. You'll find excellent support here, and answers to lots of your questions, and some good advice, too. And mostly, very nice friends who care.
I'm sorry to have met this way,
but nice to meet you~
~Susan xoxo You'll both be in my prayers0 -
Lost of Control
Lisa,
I am sure your Mom loves you! When I was DX I was very angry and felt like I had no control over anything in my life anymore.....so I lashed out at the ones that loved me...because they were the ones there......I am so sorry I did that....this might be what your Mom is feeling. She does know you care and are trying but as the others said sometime fear etc. takes over. Hang in there and come to the board anytime.
((((HUGS)))) Joan0 -
Lisa12Q
Give her some time alone to grieve over this surprise. It took me about two months to come to grips with the diagnosis and then I started fighting very hard. Get her out of the house when she feels like it. It is important to do some "normal" stuff as cancer eats up a lot of time.
I am Stage 4, diagnosed in March of 2007. Her support system of friends will be important to her and talking about it openly is good.
You will figure it out. (((HUGS))) Saundra0 -
Thank Youcarol2dogs said:Sorry and glad you found this site
Lisa,
Jane's comments were really wonderful, so I'll try not to repeat them. I'm sorry you had to be looking for this site, but glad you found it. Please read through some of the posts - you will learn a lot about the physical and emotional aspects of OVCA.
It sounds like your mother is trying so hard to be "unafraid" that anything out of the ordinary just sneaks in there and pulls some of the interior terror out of her. She knows how hard you are trying to help her, and she probably feels guilty about not being the caregiver.
You can't do much better than Sloan-Kettering, you'll be in great hands there. Please don't forget to take care of you - you are certainly allowed to be feel terrified as well! You know that education is the best treatment for fear, so find out what you can.
Please come here often - we care about you and your mother.
Love and hugs, Carol
I already feel better. Last night, my mother had a nightmare and I just went into her bedroom and hugged her and held her. I am more and more educated; and exhausted. I do need to take care of myself and am figuring out how to do that as well. I think this is a marathon and this week we've been running a sprint. Thanks for welcoming me. I wasn't sure I was allowed as I don't have the cancer, but I told my mother about you all. So far, even though I have only posted once, I am so grateful for everyones response. Lisa
PS. I love your dogs. My sister is getting her dog to take the International Therapy Dog test so she can visit my mother in the hospital!! since my mother loves her so much!! Thanks again.0 -
ThanksSusan523 said:Dear Lisa
I am so sorry to hear about your mother.
I just wanted to add my two-cents about the anger I felt when I was initially diagnosed. I lashed out at my husband terriby; and I certainly wish I hadn't. He's going through this, too, just as you will be going through this with your mother.
Just like me, I'm sure your mother did not mean the things she said when she yelled at you. She's not mad at you; she's mad at the situation and the not-knowing what is ahead.
It's not an easy road. You'll find excellent support here, and answers to lots of your questions, and some good advice, too. And mostly, very nice friends who care.
I'm sorry to have met this way,
but nice to meet you~
~Susan xoxo You'll both be in my prayers
Thank you for the prayers and I will pray for you too. I am proud of how my mother is handling this and she can yell at me if she needs to. She was much better today. But I truly appreciate your feedback. It's very hard to understand since I am not the one with this OVCA. She had a nightmare last night and I just held her. Thank you for the warm welcome and I am sure I'll be back.0 -
ThanksJoanC said:Lost of Control
Lisa,
I am sure your Mom loves you! When I was DX I was very angry and felt like I had no control over anything in my life anymore.....so I lashed out at the ones that loved me...because they were the ones there......I am so sorry I did that....this might be what your Mom is feeling. She does know you care and are trying but as the others said sometime fear etc. takes over. Hang in there and come to the board anytime.
((((HUGS)))) Joan
Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. My mother's name is Joan too!! Thanks for also letting me come to the Board!!0 -
Thank Yousaundra said:Lisa12Q
Give her some time alone to grieve over this surprise. It took me about two months to come to grips with the diagnosis and then I started fighting very hard. Get her out of the house when she feels like it. It is important to do some "normal" stuff as cancer eats up a lot of time.
I am Stage 4, diagnosed in March of 2007. Her support system of friends will be important to her and talking about it openly is good.
You will figure it out. (((HUGS))) Saundra
Thank you all so much. Today was a better day. I believe my Mother will come to grips. She is determined to fight and we will be there right beside her, I feel like we're on one of those crazy rides at Disneyland and I want to get off. I can't tell you how much it means to me that everyone replied.....Hugs to you too!!0 -
Thank youjane65 said:Lisa13Q
Hi Lisa,
I understand how terrible a shock this is to you and Mom, rest assured she loves you and knows how hard you're trying to be helpful to her.
I know, as a mother, that she feels awful putting this problem onto her family, even though it was not her fault for getting cancer.
Of course Mom is terrified, as you and your sister are, all of us and our families were just as frightened with our diagnosis.
It's wonderful that your sister got her into Sloan Kettering so fast, and she'll get excellent care there.
Treatments and chemo. drugs have come a long way, and OVCA is now treated as a chronic condition which has to be treated with each recurrence.
I am staged 4B and I'm about to start my 3rd kind of chemo for recurrence. I was diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago.
During her surgery the GYN/ONC surgeon will remove all visible signs of cancer and send biopsies to the pathology lab. When the pathology report comes back, she'll know how she's been staged and what treatment her oncologist feels that she needs.
What you can do, since it sounds like Mom is a strong woman, who doesn't want to give up control of her situation, is to just be there to be supportive, and let her tell you what she needs from you.
After her surgery, and if she should also need chemo. there will be a greater need for you to physically help her, you'll know what she needs, or wants by what she says, or asks for. The doctor and nurses will also give you guidence.
Try to relax, and take it one step at a time.
You can always do research on the computer and educate yourself to OVCA, that will help you when you talk to her doctors.
Best of luck to Mom and keep us updated.
Jane
I replied last night but think I did it wrong. Anyway, I wanted to thank you so much for your kind words last night. They were the last thing I read before bed and I read them at least 20 times. My mother had a nightmare and I told her about the Board and all the strong women here. PS. She was much nicer today!!
I knew it wasn't personal but boy this is hard to watch, and I truly appreciated your words of kindness and support.. 0 -
For Lisa
Lisa, Jane and the others had such powerful information for you, I won't repeat it again.
What I can offer you is some emotional support from one who has been there. My Mom had stage 4 ovarian when I came onto this board in 2005-2006. I was pretty much her sole caregiver. And no, it was not easy watching her struggle with giving up so many things. My Mom was elderly when ovarian struck her..88. And up until then she could outlast me in her walking and day to day chores. She shoveled snow until she was 87 and I hid the snow shovels, for goodness sake. So she did not deal well with this at all for a long time. We had a few things going against us from the start. Her age. She was almost blind from macular degeneration. She developed seizures. A blood clot. And on. There was a lot of anger. When she had her surgery and it left her with a colostomy, well, that was the last straw with her. In the hospital she was so nice and talked with the nurses and doctors and aides. When we were in the room alone, she totally ignored me. And I was there 24/7. So that was hard. We came home. She had reactions to the meds where she would see things that weren't there. I can laugh about it now, but when your Mom is telling you there are Siamese twins sitting next to you telling her jokes at 3 in the morning it puts your coping skills to the test. Mom yelled at me a LOT. She was miserable. Then she would feel bad and call me over for a hug. I found that when I would get frustrated at times I would just go over and give her a kiss on her forehead. You can't stay angry when you're smooching someone.
My Mom loved me through all of it, of this I am sure. During her last days she would snuggle up to me on the couch and just look at me with puppy eyes. You and your Mom will get through all this. LIsten more than talk. Hug as much as you can. No matter how hard it is most days remember you will get through all this. Scream in your car if you have to. Cry in the bathroom. But just be there for your Mom, no matter what. Hugs and prayers to you, your Mom and your sister. Cindy0 -
Hugs ♥ Prayers
Dearest Lisa
First off ~ big hug :-)
Second ~ the women here have shared from their hearts and own experiences. I am sure they have already given you much strength ~ understanding and hope. Each of us handle the news a bit differently but one thing in common is it takes time alone to grieve over this surprise and then time with others to share. I could barely get the words out when I had to tell my boss, they stuck in my throat and then a sob would come but no words. For me the fight started right away but for others it feels too much like a death sentence and takes a bit to realize it isn't. Saying a prayer for you your mom and those that hold her close ~ for peace, for understanding, for patience, and for strength. Bonnie0 -
Hugs to To Lisa13Q
Hey Lisa! Sorry to have to meet you here, but this is a great sounding board. I have only just recently 'come aboard' and there are wonderful women here. i like talking to them all because they tell you up front what you need to hear.( Platitudes run amok from others who haven't dealt with these life changing events, but only because they really don't know- they do mean well- when my husband was sick, I always tried to keep him 'up'-only now do I realize how he must've felt.) I also was 'surprised' with my dx...I also looked 8 mo. pregnant. This all happened over Memorial Day weekend- I had surgery June 12, and my Dr removed the masses in my peritoneal cavity as well as a complete hysterectomy.( My 21 yr old son is helping me out, and I have to say...he's not a very compassionate young man. Well...maybe he is and just doesn't want to show it..LOL He watched his Dad be very sick before he died, so I'm sure this is scary to him) I am also a strong, pig headed woman....don't take it to hard if Mom seems mean....I have found my emotions over this whole business are just crazy at times. One day I'm 'normal' and the next I'm just in the dumps. As a former caregiver to my husband, you need to know that you need to take care of YOU to. Give Mom her hugs when she needs them, but give her her space too. I'll be honest...sometimes I just tell my son to shut up! LOL....not very nice huh? *sigh* Please let us know how things are going....keep positive, it really does help. Hugs to you honey....Beth0 -
This is very overwhelmingqueenieb52 said:Hugs to To Lisa13Q
Hey Lisa! Sorry to have to meet you here, but this is a great sounding board. I have only just recently 'come aboard' and there are wonderful women here. i like talking to them all because they tell you up front what you need to hear.( Platitudes run amok from others who haven't dealt with these life changing events, but only because they really don't know- they do mean well- when my husband was sick, I always tried to keep him 'up'-only now do I realize how he must've felt.) I also was 'surprised' with my dx...I also looked 8 mo. pregnant. This all happened over Memorial Day weekend- I had surgery June 12, and my Dr removed the masses in my peritoneal cavity as well as a complete hysterectomy.( My 21 yr old son is helping me out, and I have to say...he's not a very compassionate young man. Well...maybe he is and just doesn't want to show it..LOL He watched his Dad be very sick before he died, so I'm sure this is scary to him) I am also a strong, pig headed woman....don't take it to hard if Mom seems mean....I have found my emotions over this whole business are just crazy at times. One day I'm 'normal' and the next I'm just in the dumps. As a former caregiver to my husband, you need to know that you need to take care of YOU to. Give Mom her hugs when she needs them, but give her her space too. I'll be honest...sometimes I just tell my son to shut up! LOL....not very nice huh? *sigh* Please let us know how things are going....keep positive, it really does help. Hugs to you honey....Beth
This is very overwhelming for you.
My mom was diagnosed in May 2009. It was rough. All of these scary thoughts going through my head, what would I do without mom? Etc etc.
The advice that I was given is: Listen to your mother. Help her out as much as you can if she asks.
Make sure you take care of yourself also. It is a scary time and I was upset for leaving my mom, but your mom (LIKE ANY OTHER MOM!!) would want you to take care of yourself as well. Your mom will appreciate the things that YOU have done for her
I found this site and it is such a wonderful place. Everyone understands what you are going through!! I have disliked when people say "I know/understand what you are going through." But they don't. On this forum, people DO. That is what makes it so wonderful.0 -
Thanksunknown said:This comment has been removed by the Moderator
Thanks Nancy!! I have already come to appreciate this board. I told my mother about it and she was glad for me. Tomorrow is the big day. We meet her Oncologost and I will remember the part about getting the right treatment at the beginning. We are going to Sloane Kettering and everyone says its the best. I hope so. Thanks for your great words of encouragement!!0 -
Survivor since 2/2002
Lisa,
I think you and your Mom both need time to grieve. It is a huge shock no matter who you are. I am a 56 year old survivor of stage 3c diagnosed in Feb. of 2002. I have done a lot of chemo since then but a whole lot of living too!!! Currently I am doing chemo but my CA125 is the lowest it has been in at least 4 years. It does not have to be a death sentence, maybe a chronic illness yes. You have to keep the faith and have a Dr. you believe in. SK is the finest of cancer facilities. Chemo is no walk in the park but can be handled well with the proper drugs and care. Your Mom I am sure knows you love her and is just trying to figure out how to handle this. I felt more in control once I started chemo and my ca125 started coming down.It is wonderful you can be there for her!Trish0
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