Mar 25, 2009 - 1:25 am
I am a new member and happy to have somewhere to connect to other caregivers.
My mom has stage 4 cervical with mets to liver, lung and spleen. She is currently undergoing chemo for a second time....carboplatin and paclitaxol (sp?) once every three weeks. She wants to have more time and is so not anywhere near ready to go. I am not ready for her to go either. We are both tired of this crap though. She is in and out of hospital. She got readmitted over two weeks ago with a blood clot (DVT), then she got shingles in the hospital, and how she once again neutropenic. She is still there now. It's always something new. She was doing okay since her latest treatment a week ago but today she was in SEVERE stomach pain; 16 mg of dialotid (sp?) through out the day did not do the trick. She's always had stomach issues but it got much worse right after chemo but today was WAY worse. I dont know what's going on now....maybe its a bloackage, I dont knwo what this poor woman is gonna have to go throught next. Then today she said she felt like she was getting the flu. Great. The hospital staff are so not helpful and I have to chase them around all day trying to get her pain or nausea meds and to tell them what's going on. It is sooo exhausting.
I honestly dont feel like I can do this anymore. I am at the hospital all day everyday and only sometimes get away to do errands, to eat, or do school work. I quit my job, left my boyfriend and moved back here (I am in Canada actually) to help her. There is noone else to be her caregiver but me. Thankfully I was doing school by correspondence so I didnt have to quit that but I am falling way behind and it's really a huge extra stress for me.
I feel so bad for feeling sorry for myself.....if I am tired, I cant imagine how she feels. This disease is just so disgusting. So many of you seem to find some relief from your faith in God. I find myslef angry a lot, at God. Sometimes I question his(her?) existence....how can there be any sense in any of this crap. It's just far too much suffering......far far too much.
I am burned out, and yes depressed, of course. Mostly I am angry.
Venting helps, especially when I know its falling on understanding ears, so thank you all so much for listening.I hope I can do the same for some of you.