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Children of Cancer Patients

phlsdauter
Posts: 1
Joined: Dec 2008

I am not sure if I should even be here on this message board but you all are the only thing that I could find that looked like it could help me. I am the daughter of a very brave man. His name was Phil and this February 9th it will be 2 years since he lost his battle with cancer. I thought that I was able to handle the holidays but I am having such a hard time. My dads bday is the 27th of December and I don't know how I am going to handle this without my family now. My mom acts like nothing ever happened and the rest of the family says that it is still too hard to deal with. How am I going to ever come to grips with this when they can't even talk to me about it??? I know they lost someone they loved. So did I and I think that I lose him too soon ( he was 48) I really thought that I had this handled but now I am wondering how I even made it this long without breaking. I know this is a survivors network, I feel like I have had to survive cancer right along with my dad. It was like a battle that I feel like I am still having to fight.... Is this right to feel or am I losing my mind???? Please tell me, because I have no clue.

hollyberry's picture
hollyberry
Posts: 176
Joined: Nov 2008

What a sweet, loving child you are; I am sure that your dad found so much love and comfort in you. I think I can speak to that specifically, as I am now where your dad was then. I have 3 children and am 47 yrs. old. I go through this struggle for them, as your dad did for you; there are many dark days, but one moment with my children makes it all worthwhile.
I know this is a very painful time for you and you are obviously a very brave and loving person-please know that you are always welcome here and we will support you in any way we can.
It must be so hard for you to deal with your family's reaction to your dad's passing; this may just be too much for your mom to handle. A big "not fair!" for you and I am so sorry that you are feeling so lonely in your grief. Please know that I care and am praying for you and sending you hugs to bolster you at this difficult time.
You are right in feeling that you fought this battle with your dad and, being in his shoes, I can tell you that he appreciated everything you did for him- from comforting words to getting him kleenex or a snack. There is nothing more important to a parent than knowing how much your children love you!! You did your very best fro him, I am sure, and he got so much comfort from that, sweetheart.
Try your best over the holidays to remember and celebrate the special traditions you shared with your dad and it will bring you comfort. Remember that you are STILL Phil's daughter and he still loves you!! Like I told my own children that I will always be with them, your dad will always be with you; You are a part of him and he left you with his love and memories to get you through these very difficult times.
Much love to you,
Hollyberry

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

Since 1994, I lost my brother, my father, and my mother (my whole family), yet I don not feel lonely, because I know they loved me and are still with me at a spiritual level. Thinking of them sustains me in many ways and knowing they no longer feel pain and suffering gives me peace.

You are Phil's proudest legacy. Your every smile brings joy to his metaphysical existence. I know that Phil wants you to experience the best that life has to offer and accomplish wonderful things for both yourself and others, doing so as "Phil's Daughter". Remember, you are "Phil's Daughter", but he is also "your father", a title he wears as his badge of honor before God, a badge that increases in value with your every happy moment.
Be happy!

Love, Courage, and Merry Christmas!

Rick

louisevruiz's picture
louisevruiz
Posts: 14
Joined: Apr 2003

Hi there,
I just read your message. Your message touches my heart because my dad just began at home hospice care today. He is deteriorating fast from liver cancer. I found your message because I know he is ready, but I know I'm not.

Being a cancer survivor since 1999 myself, I know this can be a lonely time. You go ahead and try to remember the best of times and memories you have of him and time you shared together. I am doing this right now. I'll be 55 over the next few days. This weekend he wants for our family to celebrate my survival and his strength in his fight.

I was seeking some discussion for adult children of cancer patients. Thank you for giving me the knowledge and strength to move forward with my memories of me and my daddy. We've laughed together, watched old movies together, shared secrets together and now have shared cancer together.

I'm happy to see that there are folks out there to communicate with about losing a parent to cancer. I'll keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

Louise

louisevruiz's picture
louisevruiz
Posts: 14
Joined: Apr 2003

Hi there,
I just read your message. Your message touches my heart because my dad just began at home hospice care today. He is deteriorating fast from liver cancer. I found your message because I know he is ready, but I know I'm not.

Being a cancer survivor since 1999 myself, I know this can be a lonely time. You go ahead and try to remember the best of times and memories you have of him and time you shared together. I am doing this right now. I'll be 55 over the next few days. This weekend he wants for our family to celebrate my survival and his strength in his fight.

I was seeking some discussion for adult children of cancer patients. Thank you for giving me the knowledge and strength to move forward with my memories of me and my daddy. We've laughed together, watched old movies together, shared secrets together and now have shared cancer together.

I'm happy to see that there are folks out there to communicate with about losing a parent to cancer. I'll keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

Louise

Rightwing8
Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2009

...is what you gave your dad, and please know that you made his heart lighter by shouldering the load with him. I'd bet that your love and care lengthened his life, and that his love for you gave him enormous comfort. Your bond outlasts time and space, and my thoughts and prayers are with you in the hopes that you are able to have some peace.

You aren't losing your mind (and believe me, I ask myself that same question every single day!), and you described dealing with grief and anxiety very well by calling it a battle you are still having to fight. I don't know if your experiences were similar to mine, but I feel like I held myself together so well while going through the process of caregiving that something was bound to snap eventually...and now it is (I guess I'm having a bit of PTSD over taking care of my mom and aunt, who were diagnosed within two weeks of each other). My mom said she doesn't want me to make myself sick over dealing with her sickness, and your dad would probably agree with regards to you. Easier said than done, right?

I wish I had some great magic advice that would make you feel better right away. Just know that you are not alone in how you feel.

Love and peace to you -
Rightwing8

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