Sep 17, 2008 - 4:03 pm
I'm a 21 year old bachelor and have been the caretaker of two loved ones who have had the misfortune of being diagnosed with cancer. My mother died at the age 48 on November 17, 2006 as a result of advanced cancer. I had been there with her through it all, watched as her health deteriorated and was there at her side when she drew her last breath. While I have been able to continue on in my day to day life, I still have never really coped with the loss. And then in January of this year my father was diagnosed with bladder cancer, shortly after having a heart attack. He has been in and out of the hospital numerous times over the past few months until just recently when he was struck with what could only be described as a menagerie of complications. He's been in the hospital for two and a half weeks, and while the doctors have not given a set timeframe, I'm fairly certain that his time is running short.
I'm not much of a spiritual person, I don't personally believe in karma or destinies and the like. For me this is not such a difficult thing, and the logical part of me knows for certain that there's no other reason for my mother's death and my father's condition other than the fact that they smoked two packs a day for 30 years. But darn it, I can't help but wonder "why me"?
I'm pretty much your typical "macho" need to stay strong so that your love ones don't have to bear any more pain than they must. But I'm really starting to feel the weight now, I'm losing the plot, and handling my dad's affairs while trying to grapple with my own is really proving to be more than I can handle. I literally spend two hours a day on the phone with bill collectors, lawyers, doctors, friends, family, loved ones, et cetera. Dammit, all I've ever wanted was a carefree life where I can enjoy the very limited time we all spend here. I don't want to hate life, but it's like Queen says "I don't want to die, I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all."
-Andrew, my friends call me Kandy.