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Sex and Cancer

hopeful36
Posts: 9
Joined: Feb 2008
hopeful36
Posts: 9
Joined: Feb 2008

My husband and I last had sex the day after our wedding(oct 07). Now don't get me wrong I totally understand about the different medications and all how they can affect your sexual desires. There have times I wanted too and he was just to weak, too tired or just not interested and I understand. Then there were times he wanted to and I was just too tired.. the kids, working,cleaning, cooking and helping him with his needs. Now I've become more afraid to, distant, not interested and the feeling of wanting him sexually is fading. I don't feel like his wife anymore (not due to just sex), I feel more like a close friend who is just helping out. We are in our early stages of this whole thing, trying to learn how to deal with all the things that happens, that's going to happen etc... I've tried to encourage him to join support groups or even see a therapist, but he doesn't want to... Any advice?

zahalene's picture
zahalene
Posts: 629
Joined: Nov 2005

One thing comes to mind. You might talk to your hubby about re-defining sex for you own specific relationship.
It does not have to be the 'full monty' to qualify. Physical intimacy can be expressed in the simplest ways. Some sexual and some not.
A friend just lost her relationship. She just wants to be HELD. Knowing somebody's body is there is sometimes enough.
And it can lead up to other things or not...

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

hopeful,

For a variety of easily understandable reasons, having sex following surgery for testicular cancer, especially following lymph node removal, is an emotional, psychological, and physiological challenge, requiring a partner with a great deal of intelligence and sensitivity. Unfortunately, I did not find these qualities in my ex, but two years following our divorce, discovered them in a woman who, herself had dealt with challenges in her marriage to an abusive alcoholic. She first rebuilt my self-esteem and displayed affection prior to initiating her desire for sex. I guess I was so much the opposite of what her husband had been that I actually seemed "sexy" to her?

So much of who we men are as sexual beings depends on how we feel about ourselves. You can't "un-castrate" the sexual desire before you first "un-castrate" the ego from which that desire stems. Make him believe that, sick or well, he remains the pillar in your life and source of all your affectional and sexual comfort and watch him do a gradual 180 in his behavior!

Love and Courage!

Rick

hopeful36
Posts: 9
Joined: Feb 2008

Thank you all for your advise..., Rick as a man what things (if you don't mind sharing) did your partner do to make you feel desirable or what kind of affection was displayed? I hug him, sit close with him watching movies, hold his hand,lay in his lap....maybe I'm doing the wrong things.

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

Hopeful,

She came to me for advice on practical stuff first, so that I felt needed by a woman again. She made it clear that she valued my opinions. Believe me, "we" love when women ask us for help! From then, she began displaying affection, showing cleavage, placing my hands where she wanted them, need I say more? One day, it was "I bet you could help me with this?", before too long, the relationship had evolved into "nights of endless passion". She even told me that my inability to ejaculate was an asset and nothing to feel inhibited about!

Is this anything with which you can apply to your situation?

Love and Courage!

Rick

getsailing
Posts: 6
Joined: Nov 2008

If you have a true relationship sex should not be the number one priority. I have been through cervical cancer with rad hysterectomy, and lymph node removal. Yes, radiation and chemo due to positive nodes. Now I have vaginal cancer. There are ways to express love to each other without intercourse and it is delightful for both of us. Maybe I have one of those outstanding husbands. He is a huge part of my recovery. We are broke due to my illness but he never holds that over my head either. May God bless each and every one of you going through this. If I can help anyone please respond and I will give you my e-mail.

survivor-caregiver
Posts: 5
Joined: Feb 2009

Hi, I agree sex just isn't a priority. When I read your email and what your going through I felt like gosh that sucks. I am a survivor of stage 4 throat cancer. My husband has metastatic colon cancer. He took care of me during my treatment selflessly and now I am doing the same. I don't think anyone should feel obligated to do anything of a sexual nature if it's not possible at the time nor should they fell bad about it right :)
getsailing where do you live? I am in Chicago. Mary

Sandi1's picture
Sandi1
Posts: 277
Joined: Aug 2008

Hi Rick,

Please don't think i'm being forward or rude by asking you this, but my husband had surgery for colorectal cancer and we have found since then that he has dry orgasms. I noticed from your post that you do not ejaculate (does that mean that you have dry orgasms too?) don't get me wrong, that does not bother me - i'm just wondering if it is a permanent thing and if it is, is it harmful to my husband? Last thing we need is a problem with that.

Thank you for any advice.
Sandi

fez1
Posts: 47
Joined: Jul 2006

Sandi- this is months later and I'll bet that you have the answer but my husband also had sigmoid colon surgery and he has had dry ejaculations since. His surgeon told us that it often happens when any surgery is done deep in the pelvis, along with node removal etc. He was very upset and still is to some extent- although we haven't had sex in months. He also needed viagra for the first time in our marriage (he is 52). What a shock that was to him but I convinced him to try it. Rick gives such great advice on this sensitive subject. It's still an issue with us after 3 1/2 years. Anyone else with thoughts or experiences to share?

Carol

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