Should I tell my husband?
Today I started thinking if it was my husband who went to an oncologist without telling me and giving me the choice to go and learn and ask questions I'd be UPSET!!!
Should I tell him that I'm going to see a GYN doctor about maybe removing my ovary and maybe everything, because of the problems I've been having? Then this gives him the opportunity to tell me questions he might ask? Mind you I'd want to leave out the fact that this is an oncologist GYN doctor. As each day gets closer to my appointment I just DO NOT KNOW what the right thing is to do. He gets SO STRESSED and SICK with stress I'm trying to hold off because of this. Now with the job situation at the very same time it's really making things harder in this department. I DEFINATELY want him with me for any surgery dates, so this is another reason I wouldn't want him to know before hand. I want to save THOSE DAYS OFF for surgery time.
I really want to hear what you all have to say about this subject. I've also tried getting in touch with lindachris who is a husband I can hear a view from. A husbands view would be GREAT at this point. Maybe for those of you that have husbands you could pass this one by them and get their thoughts to tell me.
I don't want to do the wrong thing by him, but I don't want him to worry any longer than he has to either.
Being a PROTECTIVE Wife!!! :-D
Comments
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Hi, Protective Wife. I'm Saundra's husband Joe. My opinion is you should tell your husband now, before your appointment on the 13th. Unless he is in the loop, the shock of a cancer diagnosis would be 'cruel and unusual punishment!'
I remember how I felt when Sandy got her Stage IV diagnosis one year ago. We were expecting a totally different diagnosis, and I was not even in the same city when her doctor presented the bad news. But at least I knew she was having symptoms and was getting results of an ultrasound.
There is no sugar-coating the reality of cancer. I truly pray yours is a more benign condition. My guess is your husband would feel left out if such an important appointment is not announced in advance.
You may discover that he will be your strongest supporter and advocate as you spend the next week waiting for your gyn appointment. He should be with you (NOT in another city, as I was).
Stress has a purpose. It prepares us to fight or flee. Your husband will want to be with you in the fight you may be facing.0 -
Yes. You should tell your husband now. We've just been through four months of treatment for recurrence and I lost my job one month into the challenge. As a husband yes, I've been worried sick at times. But our relationship ultimately has been vital, and having someone to share the inevitable shocks and hopeful triumphs is very, very important. There are too many ways that you need him now to keep this to yourself. And he deserves to know, frankly, everything that's going on or not. It's hard sometimes and not every person handles it the same way. But I'd rather worry in knowledge than have to break potentially difficult news to him suddenly. If you are active in faith, turn your most difficult troubles over to God. And try to encourage your husband to let people in your life even if it means a little humility. We've made it through this way.0
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WOW... I didn't actually expect to hear from a husband I thought that Saundra and others would just share with me what their guys had to say on the subject. Thank You Joe for your reply. My husband has been aware up to now about all the problems with my cysts since Sept 2006. He knows I've been going to several appointments with Dr's, Several Ultra sounds and 1 CT that was done in Oct. It's kind of funny that he hasn't asked how my last appointment went with results as that is the one that gave me red flags.saundra said:Hi, Protective Wife. I'm Saundra's husband Joe. My opinion is you should tell your husband now, before your appointment on the 13th. Unless he is in the loop, the shock of a cancer diagnosis would be 'cruel and unusual punishment!'
I remember how I felt when Sandy got her Stage IV diagnosis one year ago. We were expecting a totally different diagnosis, and I was not even in the same city when her doctor presented the bad news. But at least I knew she was having symptoms and was getting results of an ultrasound.
There is no sugar-coating the reality of cancer. I truly pray yours is a more benign condition. My guess is your husband would feel left out if such an important appointment is not announced in advance.
You may discover that he will be your strongest supporter and advocate as you spend the next week waiting for your gyn appointment. He should be with you (NOT in another city, as I was).
Stress has a purpose. It prepares us to fight or flee. Your husband will want to be with you in the fight you may be facing.
When this whole thing started in 2006 he became so sick with stress from it all. Then it became such a common event for more and more appointments that lead up to nothing new. I think we both just came to feel this was to be a part of our lives with monitoring the cysts. Now that it's come to it becoming more serious with the solid mass changes and seeing a GYN Oncologist I KNOW it'll be even harder this time.
I don't know that I'm ready to be up front with actual detail of him knowing it's a oncologist I'll be seeing. What do you think about me just telling him about being seen about what needs to be done about the cysts??? THEN... once I go to the appointment and find out they want to do surgery I would then tell him they will be doing the biospy. God...I hate having to tell him this stuff. My husband being stressed makes it even harder on me to WORRY about him worrying about me.
I'm NOT SUPPOSE to find out if it's cancer on the 13th. Unless, you all know something different about these appointments. I haven't even considered the fact they could tell me by the results of the ultra sound. I just figured I was going to be examined and to discuss surgery options for the biopsy. Now, if there is a chance I'll be told I have cancer then I DEFINATELY would tell him now. Now I'm wondering if maybe my family doctor knows it's cancer and is leaving it to the oncologist to tell me. This puts a whole new spin on my thinking.
That's why these sites are great to learn from. Thank You SO MUCH Joe for taking the time to actually write me yourself. I truly appreciate hearing from you. You and your wife are truly a Blessing and from what I can tell an awesome couple. :-)
Have a Blessed Night. :-D0 -
Chris, THANK YOU so much for writing I really appreciate hearing from a husbands prospective. After hearing from Saundra's husband Joe I realized there could be the possibility that they may already know by what the Ultra Sound looks like that it is in fact cancer. It's kind of funny too, because I've read other stories where people had said their Ultra Sounds or CT's showed cancer. It never dawned on me that mine could have shown them the same thing. I believe I'll be telling my husband this weekend. Just what and how I'll be telling him I'm not totally sure. This is one job I don't want to have. I've known since Feb 19th that there's a 50/50 chance that I could be walking around with cancer and THAT has been a very strange place to be. I've had so many different things and emotions going on and my husband has had no idea. But, since finding this site I've been doing SO MUCH BETTER. This site and ALL OF YOU are such a wonderful help to everyone, so we do get educated and KNOW we aren't alone.lindachris said:Yes. You should tell your husband now. We've just been through four months of treatment for recurrence and I lost my job one month into the challenge. As a husband yes, I've been worried sick at times. But our relationship ultimately has been vital, and having someone to share the inevitable shocks and hopeful triumphs is very, very important. There are too many ways that you need him now to keep this to yourself. And he deserves to know, frankly, everything that's going on or not. It's hard sometimes and not every person handles it the same way. But I'd rather worry in knowledge than have to break potentially difficult news to him suddenly. If you are active in faith, turn your most difficult troubles over to God. And try to encourage your husband to let people in your life even if it means a little humility. We've made it through this way.
As for being active in faith that is a long story in itself. We stopped going to Church a year ago this month. We know what Church we want to attend, but just haven't yet. Now with all this going on it would be harder for me to start a new church if it was to turn out to be cancer. I know that is probably stupid to say.
Well, I guess I'll be telling my husband this weekend and now I just have to figure out just what I'm going to say.
Thank You ALL for your messages you ALL ARE GREAT!!! :-D0 -
I echo Joe and you... How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Of course you should confide in your husband. Plus you need the support and another pair of listening ears for your visit.
I still remember how overwhelming that first visit is and was blessed to have my husband by my side.
Sending lots of prayers your way. Bonnie0 -
BonnieR, Thank you for replying. I am going to tell him this weekend. As for him going with me though he can't, because of finances. I want to have him when I REALLY WANT AND NEED HIM AND THAT'S SURGERY TIMES. I have a close friend of mine going with me, so that's good. I have mixed feelings on going with someone and going alone. Part of me wants to go alone, so I can make sure to get all MY questions in and answered. I know it's good to have someone objective there to take in everything and possibly think of things I might not. I am putting together a list of questions now. Surprisingly, me being the question person I am I don't seem to have a long list. I'm just not knowing what to expect at this appointment. I did call yesterday and asked what to expect. Being a new patient the secretary said to allow at least 1 hour for the appointment. He'll probably examine me and then discuss everything with me.BonnieR said:I echo Joe and you... How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Of course you should confide in your husband. Plus you need the support and another pair of listening ears for your visit.
I still remember how overwhelming that first visit is and was blessed to have my husband by my side.
Sending lots of prayers your way. Bonnie
REALLY STRANGE THING IS...I recently went to my regular GYN for my yearly . He KNOWS the problems I've been having. He said during this last examine he didn't feel any cyst. He did however feel the fibroids that I have. If I didn't have such a great family doctor who is determined to take good care of her patients I would have gone a whole year more without knowing about the solid mass.
Since last night I've been wondering if my family doctor actually knows if it's cancer, because it might be in the ultra sound report and she just didn't tell me. She did tell me there now is the complex cystic solid mass. Before it was just a cyst. I also have the left that had nothing and now has a complex cyst started. I was also told that it looked like I "might" have a small gall stone that it may pass on it's own. This has me wondering what all this new stuff really means. I mean is that the step that is usually made everyone that has a solid mass on ovaries goes to a GYN Oncologist??? I kind of want to call today and find out if only those that have cancer get referred to them. I hate the unknown, but yet the knowing won't be easy either.
I found it odd also that my family doctor has ALWAYS wanted to see me within a couple weeks after seeing any doctor or going for any test. This time she said, "We'll just hold off on another appointment and you can see me in 3 months, but call if you have any needs." At the time I didn't know when she said she was sending me to a GYN specialist that it was in fact a oncologist. What makes this all worse is my discomforts and pains have increased off and on and are more on a daily basis. Knowing what I know now makes it hard not to think about the worst.
Today I definately have to stay off this thing. I have things I just have to do and get done. My son has a project coming up and I do research for him and he chooses what he wants to use for his project. It's makes it easier this way all the way around on all of us.
Thank you to ALL of you for listening. I keep thinking how people go through this EVERY SINGLE DAY and it's such a LARGE NUMBER AND WIDE VARIETY of issue's for everyone.
I guess this puts my daughter at a risk now too.
Have a great day everyone and THANK YOU!!! :-D0 -
Well, seems like the votes are in. Could you use one more? I did say in a previous post that I understand why you wouldn't want to tell your husband, and I do. But I agree with everyone that it is time to at least 'fill him in'. I've always kept much to myself, because rather than getting everyone all concerned and frustrated, I would wait until I had the facts so that there wasn't any needless worry. But when it comes to my husband, it's different. He's my soul-mate, and someone who I know I can rely on no matter what. And he has a very strong faith, as I do, so I know that even if he can't be with me for an appointment, he is with me in spirit and truth, praying for God's intervention and for strength and peace for me. That means a great deal to me.
So, while I don't know your husband's personality or outlook on life, I do know as everyone else said that the chance is he would be more upset if he found out after-the-fact. And even if he can't take any time off now, I'm sure he'll find a way to be there with you if the need arises. I know things are tough for many people right now, and you have financial and other concerns. But maybe it's time to let him make the decision of how to handle this.
Well, your appointment is less than a week away, so hang in there and keep in touch. Hope this helped. And I applaud the husbands who have offered advice and personal experience. It's refreshing to read their views on this site - it gives us all encouragement!
(((HUGS)))
Monika0 -
Protective Wife: this is Saundra's husband Joe again. Two things -- 1) it's OK to focus on yourself (be a little selfish!) because you're the one who has a health issue. 2) I seriously doubt that your doctor would withhold any facts about your medical condition and pass it off to the oncologist.lady342008 said:WOW... I didn't actually expect to hear from a husband I thought that Saundra and others would just share with me what their guys had to say on the subject. Thank You Joe for your reply. My husband has been aware up to now about all the problems with my cysts since Sept 2006. He knows I've been going to several appointments with Dr's, Several Ultra sounds and 1 CT that was done in Oct. It's kind of funny that he hasn't asked how my last appointment went with results as that is the one that gave me red flags.
When this whole thing started in 2006 he became so sick with stress from it all. Then it became such a common event for more and more appointments that lead up to nothing new. I think we both just came to feel this was to be a part of our lives with monitoring the cysts. Now that it's come to it becoming more serious with the solid mass changes and seeing a GYN Oncologist I KNOW it'll be even harder this time.
I don't know that I'm ready to be up front with actual detail of him knowing it's a oncologist I'll be seeing. What do you think about me just telling him about being seen about what needs to be done about the cysts??? THEN... once I go to the appointment and find out they want to do surgery I would then tell him they will be doing the biospy. God...I hate having to tell him this stuff. My husband being stressed makes it even harder on me to WORRY about him worrying about me.
I'm NOT SUPPOSE to find out if it's cancer on the 13th. Unless, you all know something different about these appointments. I haven't even considered the fact they could tell me by the results of the ultra sound. I just figured I was going to be examined and to discuss surgery options for the biopsy. Now, if there is a chance I'll be told I have cancer then I DEFINATELY would tell him now. Now I'm wondering if maybe my family doctor knows it's cancer and is leaving it to the oncologist to tell me. This puts a whole new spin on my thinking.
That's why these sites are great to learn from. Thank You SO MUCH Joe for taking the time to actually write me yourself. I truly appreciate hearing from you. You and your wife are truly a Blessing and from what I can tell an awesome couple. :-)
Have a Blessed Night. :-D
In Sandy's case, it was her gyn doc who confirmed the diagnosis, then referred her to the oncologist.
Dear Lady, let's pray it's not cancer. But if it is, you can fight it and your husband can help you fight by being there for you.0 -
Oops! I checked with Sandy. She corrected me. It was the gastroenterologist who read her CT scan who gave her the diagnosis. The following business day she saw her gyn who then referred her to the oncologist.lady342008 said:WOW... I didn't actually expect to hear from a husband I thought that Saundra and others would just share with me what their guys had to say on the subject. Thank You Joe for your reply. My husband has been aware up to now about all the problems with my cysts since Sept 2006. He knows I've been going to several appointments with Dr's, Several Ultra sounds and 1 CT that was done in Oct. It's kind of funny that he hasn't asked how my last appointment went with results as that is the one that gave me red flags.
When this whole thing started in 2006 he became so sick with stress from it all. Then it became such a common event for more and more appointments that lead up to nothing new. I think we both just came to feel this was to be a part of our lives with monitoring the cysts. Now that it's come to it becoming more serious with the solid mass changes and seeing a GYN Oncologist I KNOW it'll be even harder this time.
I don't know that I'm ready to be up front with actual detail of him knowing it's a oncologist I'll be seeing. What do you think about me just telling him about being seen about what needs to be done about the cysts??? THEN... once I go to the appointment and find out they want to do surgery I would then tell him they will be doing the biospy. God...I hate having to tell him this stuff. My husband being stressed makes it even harder on me to WORRY about him worrying about me.
I'm NOT SUPPOSE to find out if it's cancer on the 13th. Unless, you all know something different about these appointments. I haven't even considered the fact they could tell me by the results of the ultra sound. I just figured I was going to be examined and to discuss surgery options for the biopsy. Now, if there is a chance I'll be told I have cancer then I DEFINATELY would tell him now. Now I'm wondering if maybe my family doctor knows it's cancer and is leaving it to the oncologist to tell me. This puts a whole new spin on my thinking.
That's why these sites are great to learn from. Thank You SO MUCH Joe for taking the time to actually write me yourself. I truly appreciate hearing from you. You and your wife are truly a Blessing and from what I can tell an awesome couple. :-)
Have a Blessed Night. :-D
Joe0 -
Amen Monika about the husbands offering advice and such WONDERFUL support!!! I was so touched and I am telling my husband this weekend. I went and did errands today to get all my paper work and all ready for the appointment on the 13th. I went and found the office as well which is one less thing to think about. I want to put a new message up putting all the information down that I have my my records to see what others may know about these kind of measurements for the cysts and all. I was SO HAPPY AND RELIEVED to actually see the reports myself and KNOW that it's not in the report anything about cancer or to even go to a Oncologist. They gave measurements and recommendations for further resolution of issues.mopar said:Well, seems like the votes are in. Could you use one more? I did say in a previous post that I understand why you wouldn't want to tell your husband, and I do. But I agree with everyone that it is time to at least 'fill him in'. I've always kept much to myself, because rather than getting everyone all concerned and frustrated, I would wait until I had the facts so that there wasn't any needless worry. But when it comes to my husband, it's different. He's my soul-mate, and someone who I know I can rely on no matter what. And he has a very strong faith, as I do, so I know that even if he can't be with me for an appointment, he is with me in spirit and truth, praying for God's intervention and for strength and peace for me. That means a great deal to me.
So, while I don't know your husband's personality or outlook on life, I do know as everyone else said that the chance is he would be more upset if he found out after-the-fact. And even if he can't take any time off now, I'm sure he'll find a way to be there with you if the need arises. I know things are tough for many people right now, and you have financial and other concerns. But maybe it's time to let him make the decision of how to handle this.
Well, your appointment is less than a week away, so hang in there and keep in touch. Hope this helped. And I applaud the husbands who have offered advice and personal experience. It's refreshing to read their views on this site - it gives us all encouragement!
(((HUGS)))
Monika
I told my sister about how awesome you all are it's so refreshing to let everything out with people that have been where I am right now.
You all are just so great and I'm so THANKFUL to each and everyone of you.
Blessings!!! :-D0 -
I understand about church. While we remained active in our church and had lots of help from church members, there were weeks where Linda did not attend because it was too much to have to talk about stuff over and over again. Even well-meaning people can be a burden when you're tired, scared or unsure of things.lady342008 said:Chris, THANK YOU so much for writing I really appreciate hearing from a husbands prospective. After hearing from Saundra's husband Joe I realized there could be the possibility that they may already know by what the Ultra Sound looks like that it is in fact cancer. It's kind of funny too, because I've read other stories where people had said their Ultra Sounds or CT's showed cancer. It never dawned on me that mine could have shown them the same thing. I believe I'll be telling my husband this weekend. Just what and how I'll be telling him I'm not totally sure. This is one job I don't want to have. I've known since Feb 19th that there's a 50/50 chance that I could be walking around with cancer and THAT has been a very strange place to be. I've had so many different things and emotions going on and my husband has had no idea. But, since finding this site I've been doing SO MUCH BETTER. This site and ALL OF YOU are such a wonderful help to everyone, so we do get educated and KNOW we aren't alone.
As for being active in faith that is a long story in itself. We stopped going to Church a year ago this month. We know what Church we want to attend, but just haven't yet. Now with all this going on it would be harder for me to start a new church if it was to turn out to be cancer. I know that is probably stupid to say.
Well, I guess I'll be telling my husband this weekend and now I just have to figure out just what I'm going to say.
Thank You ALL for your messages you ALL ARE GREAT!!! :-D
That said, there are other practical reasons to tell your husband what is going on. If indeed a cyst is cancerous, as turned out to be the case for my wife, there are decisions to be made. For example, a regular gynecologist (not a gynecological oncologist) did the exploratory surgery laparoscopically, but tore the cyst. We later learned that with ovarian cancer it is best to remove all associated organs rather than nip away at it. So those decisions may come, and you both need to know what's going on. If it turns out the cysts are benign, and that possibility exists, you will have addressed the situation together and can be mutually watchful in the future. God Bless. Chris0 -
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Check with your gyn/onc before taking any supplements.JohanMic said:See this:
http://tinyurl.com/2y8nr80 -
Hey Saundra, I already wrote you from my inbox, because I hadn't seen this until now. I don't plan to check out any websites people send me. I'm not into doing any of that. THANK YOU for looking out for me you are truly wonderful and very much appreciated.saundra said:Check with your gyn/onc before taking any supplements.
Blessings to you my friend. :-)0
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