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intimacy

lucyrose2
Posts: 1
Joined: Oct 2007

Does anyone ever get the feeling that while you are closer in a lot of new ways, that the intimate part of your life is completely gone? I feel like a leper.

hopefulone
Posts: 1048
Joined: Jan 2007

Hi. I'm not sure if your the "caregiver" or the "patient". Depending on which, there could be a variety of different reasons .

If your the "caregiver" , the patient may be separating from you because they dont want to be a "burden" and it's maybe easier to separate emotionally . If your the "patient", the caregiver may be having a harder time than you realize because they don't want you to know what THEY are REALLY feeling, which may be a sense of helplessness that' they "can't do" anything to make it better.

A heart-to-heart talk might might be of help. Good luck and God Bless,

Diane

soccerfreaks's picture
soccerfreaks
Posts: 2801
Joined: Sep 2006

lucyrose: as hopefulone starts to point out, there is much information that is missing that would be helpful in discussing the issue: are you a survivor or a caregiver? what cancer? where is the cancer? how long ago was the last treatment? what was the treatment? is treatment on-going?

That said, I do have an idea or two to throw out there. The first is that intimacy is a two-way street. Your mate might not be sure that you are ready for intimacy of a certain kind; he may be afraid that he will hurt you either physically or mentally. Maybe by taking the bull by the horns, you can begin a resolution in that regard. It DOES take two to tango. (See Susan H's response).

The other idea is a rather sexist one (I am a male)...I have noticed over the years, and I am the guiltiest of the guilty, that men tend to be a lot more squeamish than women about some things. Again, maybe initiation of intimacy would be helpful.

You have been courageous in broaching the subject, and the respondents have been courageous as well in giving you some ideas.

Take care and best wishes.

shmurciakova's picture
shmurciakova
Posts: 910
Joined: Dec 2002

Hi Lucy,
I know what you mean. I am a colon cancer survivor. I was diagnosed just a few months after I got married, in 2002. I think at first my husband sort of pulled away a bit because he didn't know if I was gonna make it, or what. He had lost his mother suddenly when he was only 13 and I think the thought of loosing me was alot for him to bear. Anyway, here we still are, almost 6 years later and I am doing well. Our sex life, on the other hand, has been dealt a blow. Sometimes we will go over a whole month! I don't know if this has to do with our age (he is 42), or the amount of time we've been together (8 years), or cause of the cancer. At any rate, sometimes I just wish he would reach out and give me a hug or something. It seems like I always have to be the one to make a move. So, although I don't quite feel like a "leper", I do know what you mean, and unfortunately I don't know what the answer is.
Best of luck to you. If I figure it out I'll let you know!
-Susan H.

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

lucy,

When I was 28, I suffered from testicular cancer which involved the removal of my left testicle and the lymph nodes on the inside of my spine, meaning I could no longer ejaculate. In truth, I felt like "half the man I used to be". My marriage ended in divorce, but I gained confidence and dated women for whom my sterility was no problem. I eventually received an implant for the missing testicle. Now, I am 56 and don't have enough disposable income to date anyway, so the point is not as relevant, at least that is what I have convinced myself.

Love and Courage,

Rick

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