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Joined: Sep 2007

Hi everyone,
I am here for support after losing my father to Pancriatic Cancer. He lost his battle in January 07 and I feel so lost without him. He was like my best friend. He lived for 3 months after he found out and he stayed strong right up to the end. He tumor was inoperable and chemo would have only given him a couple months. The MRI showed the tumor was big and spreading.
I made it to my dad the last good day of his life. The day after we had to put him in the hospital and he passed 4 days later. My younger sister was his main caregiver since she lives closer and it was so hard not being there. The hospital was great. They gave us a big corner room and me and my 3 sisters and two aunts huddled around my dad and helped in the dying process. The nurses pretty much left us to do our thing and only came when we asked. We would watch the medicine bags and holler for the nurse when one was close to empty. We all took turns sleeping, pacing the halls, and of cource sitting by his side telling him how proud we are of him for fighting such a tremendous fight. I have to say it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Those days in the hospital will be burned into my mind forever. I can still recall happy times with him of course, but the hospital always creaps its way back in. I am 33 years old and feel like such a baby sometimes, but if I don't cry I will never get the hurt out. I think my husband is getting tired of the crying and depression. He once asked me how long I was going to do this? I couldn't be sad forever or my life would be worth nothing. I am not an idiot. I am trying to get over him as fast as I can, but he was in my life for 32 years and I just don't know how to get over that. The best I can do is take it one day at a time and do the best I can. I also think these groups help tremedously. Not that my husband doesn't understand what I am going through, he lost his stepmother (the woman that raised him) 9 1/2 years ago to cervical cancer. That was also very painful. My father is actually the 4th person I have lost to cancer and I hate this disease more than anything.
I want to thank everyone who has the courage to come on here and write their story and ask for help. I think that is when the healing begins. I thought for a while that I was losing my mind until I came here and read other peoples stories.
God Bless Everyone

KathiM's picture
Posts: 8082
Joined: Aug 2005


First of all, sorry it took awhile to respond...my 84 year old mom fell and broke her hip, and now doesn't know me as a result of some meds they gave her...sigh...

My first touch with passing that really hit was, of all things, one of my patient partners. He was a young man, 35 years old, who lost his fight with brain cancer...I REALLY crashed with that one...I am an old lady, 52, and just survived 2 different cancers, a 'miracle', if you will...

I finally turned for help to MY treatment center, who had a seminar on grief. If you don't mind, I'll share a minute. Grieving goes in cycles. we DO repeat, and repeat, and that is VERY normal...in fact, it is necessary, because then after each cycle, you feel a little bit better. The highest rule...DO NOT be hard on yourself!!!! You miss him. He was a big part of your life. I lost my dad when I was 27. I comfort myself that he is still helping me, and when I do something special, he is smiling. I have stored a few pictures of him in my memory, and I can 'call them up' at any time.

Anyway, one thing that struck me during this seminar was that, at the beginning, we were given a balloon to tie around our wrist, and we wrote our loved one's name on it. At the end of the meeting, we went outside and untied the tie. I will never forget watching the balloon float freely away...sort of like my friend...no longer tied to pain or suffering.

I have since then lost my ex-husband of 13 years, and my 22 year old daughter. Neither was to cancer, but hurt just the same. I have set 2 more balloons free. They all now live in my heart, where I will keep them safe forever.

I don't know if this helps, but I hope so. Selfishly, I will tell you it just helped me to share...

Hugs, Kathi

jenalynet's picture
Posts: 363
Joined: Nov 2005

I was caregiver for my mother when she was fighting cancer. I was very close to her and I still miss her but I know she is at peace. Her last 29 days were spent in the hospital and I was there constantly bathing her, feeding her etc. I know it is very hard to lose someone but I think as time goes by it gets easier. I still can see my mom in the hospital bed but I see more happy pictures in my mind. I wish I could help you more, greiving is a part of life that we all deal with in different ways. I will be thinking of you, Audrey.

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