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What do I do now?

hidee
Posts: 3
Joined: Feb 2004

I just lost my wonderful dad to throat cancer on May 14. He was 80 years old and had never been sick a day in his life. He certainly paid for that though these past 9 months. I was dads primary caregiver going over every single day and taking care of his personal needs as well as dealing with finances and helping my Mom out. I work as an elderly caregiver and had been doing that at the same time as well.
Now that the funeral and burial are over, paperwork is sorted out....I find myself lost! My life has just been so full and now I sit here and can't seem to get myself motivated. I am just so emotionally drained.
I am so happy that my dad is finally at peace but yet I can't believe he's truly gone.
I am full of anger at what cancer did to him, reducing him from a 180 lb. handsome man to a walking 90 lb. skeleton.
I myself have had cancer 3 times and now worry about a recurrence even more than usual. I am petrified that what happened to my dad will happen to me and I feel guilty about feeling this way!
How do I handle all these emotions?

TereB
Posts: 288
Joined: May 2003

I'm sorry about the loss of your Dad, hidee. All your feelings are very normal and are part of the stages of grieving. I think a Grieving Counselor may be able to help you.
Prayers for you and your family,
God Bless!

glasgow
Posts: 2
Joined: Jun 2007

Hi
This is my first time ever replying to something on the internet. It was so great to hear that you loved your dad so much. I lost my dad too who I loved more than anyone in the world. My mom died two months before my dad. I loved my mom too alot but there was something special between my dad and me. I have been having guilty feelings for feeling this way. My mom was the one who really took care of me in my younger days, yet I ended up being closer to my dad..the one who gave me a lot of grief in my younger days. Do you know of any good books about this kind of thing?
Oh..my dad died of lung and bone cancer. My mom had breast cancer ten years ago but didnt die of that. My moms sister died of ovarian cancer, her brother did of lung cancer and two of her aunts also died of cancer but I dont know what kind.
I am single, never married and no children. I spent alot of time taking care of my mom and dad the last five years. I loved it. It made me feel really good inside. Now, I feel very empty inside. I am a survivor of many things and I am sure I can live my life well in the comming years, though having so much cancer in my family is scary. I am hoping I have at least 20 years until I get some form of it. Almost each body part seems to have been covered in my family...I sometimes wonder which part of my body will get it. I dont dwell on it but you cant blame me for wondering...Mom died last year on May 31st and dad died August 21st also last year. Most of my women friends dont like their fathers...I receive little comfort from them.
You sound like a very good person...doing such humanlike work.
Bye

glasgow
Posts: 2
Joined: Jun 2007

sorry I guess I should have written on another page..i know you need comfort too. i amjust learning this comuter stuff.

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

hidee,

Your dad's treatment center may have social workers or bereavement counselors on staff that can assist you during your time of grief. Your church or synagogue may offer support groups. There is support out there for you.

Your doctor may prescribe medication that can help you during this time of grief. I took Zoloft for months following my brother's death, and it helped. Just explain your problem to your doctor and I'm sure he/she can recommend something.

Love and Courage,

Rick

Sloaner3
Posts: 22
Joined: Jun 2007

Hello Hidee,
It sounds like you have been through so much, it is hard to even come close to giving you any advice. I'll just give you a few ideas...
Let yourself feel. If you feel sad, so be it. If you feel happy, so be it. It sounds like the adage of 'one day at a time' needs to be put in place.
Try to do something every day that makes you feel better. Sit outside, watch a movie, call a friend... I know that those ideas may sound simple, but sometimes, for me, the simplest actions make me feel better. I like to cook or to organize things when I feel crummy. I wish you all of the best in healing. You sound like a great person.

Ohiogirl's picture
Ohiogirl
Posts: 27
Joined: Aug 2005

hidee..there are many stages to grieving..as u go through each stage (anger..denial.etc) u will a time when u will be able to accept things better..right now just allow yourself to grieve...it will be to your benefit later..but more importantly remember those good times and fond moments they will help you through ::)
ohiogirl

helpmefindhope
Posts: 10
Joined: Jul 2007

Dear hidee,

I just lost my mom at 67 yrs. old on April 22nd. She was my best friend, never sick a day in her life. Since so many of our family members have died of various cancers she was very proactive about her health. She had just had a mamogram, sonogram, endoscopy, colonoscopy and chest x-ray. All came back clear. Then she got a cough and had a CT scan and had lung cancer. She had smoked 30 years ago. It was horrible and scary and so short. Everything went wrong, no treatment worked. I was with her constantly and feel like a part of me has died. I am in counseling and it is helping a little. My dad died 3 years ago next month of colorectal cancer at 70 and I thought I knew what sadness and grieving was. I didn't have a clue. I too am petrified of getting cancer. I have 2 kids and think of our lousy genetics and fear for myself and for my kids. I am not finding anything easy. I too have survived many difficulties but none as hard as this. This is post traumatic stress. I cry every day. I just think and feel that every day is the start of learning to live a new way. My life has been inextricably altered forever. My mom and I spoke 6 to 7 times a day, she lived with us about 3 days of the week, we made every decision together. I feel like I lost a spouse.

I feel for you. I too am suffering, that's why I joined this on-line service.

Cindy54's picture
Cindy54
Posts: 454
Joined: Aug 2006

Hello...I lost my Mom to ovarian cancer in December 2006. I was her care giver The last 3 years had not been kind to Mom. We went through seizures, blood clots, therapies and surgeries. I took family leave. I was on welfare. I also had a spinal tumor that needed surgery and I had to re-learn how to walk. At one point Mom and I were on the same hospital floor in re-hab. And yet I still managed to take care of her. Pay the bills and the prescriptions. I went back to work and Mom passed away. I used my 401k money for the funeral. I ended up in bankruptcy. My apartment that Mom and I had lived in for 33 years got sold. I had 31 days to find a place and move. I have been mainly surviving. Now when it gets quiet I just feel so drained. Most of the people around me are good.. but they do not really understand. I am just exhuasted. How do I keep going? I guess if I didn't have my faith I wouldn't. But I come to these boards and there are so many people hurting worse than I am. If anyone wants to email me please do. Maybe we can help each other. Cindy

helpmefindhope
Posts: 10
Joined: Jul 2007

My heart cries.
What a life we are in. I have no answers but I feel empathy and compassion for your story. We too had monetary issues. It's one of the things that haunts me, what if we had the "right" insurance, the "right" doctors. I had to close down the apartment my mom lived in for 27 years, last week. I had also lived there on and off until I got married. It was sad and horrible and the landlord was lousy. It added to my grief.
Your post is a testament to some life force; some strength from somewhere.
I wish for all of us some peace and freedom from anxiety.
My thoughts are with you.
Lorraine

terato's picture
terato
Posts: 384
Joined: Apr 2002

Cindy,

I survived cancer and divorce only to lose my brother to suicide, my father to stroke, and my mother to infection and kidney failure. My cousins are my only remaining family, but they don't really understand what my life is like. I now live in our family home, but my attorney has all the documents and he doesn't respond to my phone messages or letters, leaving me with sleepless nights. I am a certified teacher with two masters degrees, but can't find a tenure-track position because school districts would rather hire 20-year-olds. Fortunately, my Resource Assistant job has great health insurance, but I earn slightly more than an average migrant worker. I have no money for treats anymore. If it wasn't for my friends, I would go crazy. I share your pain and that of all on this thread.

Love and Courage,

Rick

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