Need comfort? The old standby....

LesleyH said:

Perhaps I am not yet in a stage in my life after cancer that I can identify with this movie. I deeply resent it when people tell me that cancer brings blessings. I can see how you might think this if you have DCIS or a 95+% chance of survival. Or if you have survived for 8 years or so. But for me, struggling with the looming possiblity of mets, it doesn't make sense. Cancer took away so much from me. I have had to make decisions that are harder and make huge sacrifices because of this disease. I never wanted to stop and slow down. I was forced to and I resented every minute of it. I resent the fact that I had to settle for less because I have had cancer. And I am angry that my children had to grow up overnight. I so not see the blessings in that there is a real possiblity that my daughter may not have her mother around when she gets married and has children.

Cancer sucks. We need a cure. Now.

Hugs.

Lesley

Oops. Sorry. I went off in the deep-end. I should not have.

Hugs.

Lesley

KathiM said:

Oh, dearheart, of COURSE you can!!! And SHOULD, if it is the way you feel!!!!!
Everyone reacts to cancer differently.....and it depends on sooooo many factors! I am an old woman....and it was a message to me to take some time and see that my life is not an eternity....the big lesson I learned is how I treat others, as well as myself.
I scattered my daughter's ashes yesterday. She was only 22. We did many things during her short life, and I am so grateful that I was able to make her happy.
BUT, of course it changes everything....and, for me, I will physically never be the same....small thing, I can't eat popcorn. "Like eating ground glass for a colorectal cancer survivor", my surgeon's nurse told me....

Hugs for speaking the right thoughts, because they WERE your thoughts!!!!!!

Hugs, Kathi

Hey You Two...

Just wanted to pass on my good thoughts to both of you.... Yes Cancer and Life have changed us... But what I see in the two of you are great inspirations.. to everyone who frequents this board.

Take Care... and God Bless...

Susan

LesleyH said:

Kathi, Honey, thank you for your kind gentle words. But wait. Who are you calling old? I think we are about the same age, girl. Watch that tongue of yours!!:-).

I am reading a great book right now. (Well, so far.) It's called Blind Rage. It's written by a blind woman who rages out against Helen Keller. Her whole life Helen Keller was given as the standard to live up to and she could never meet that standard. Nor did she particularly want to. This reflects in many ways how I feel. I have had this "blessings" talk with various people (including medical staff) who insist that I should be grateful for the good things that cancer brings. I have a PhD in cognitive psychology and I just don't understand where this comes from. I am grateful it was not worse. I'm grateful for each healthy day I have, but then I always was. I love my work and my family and my life. I'm resilient and overcome obstacles - but to enjoy them? I don't think so.

Thank you for letting me vent. And for forgiving me.

Hugs.

Lesley

Hi Lesley,

Well, another "old lady" has two cents to add here. LOL

I understand where you are, Lesley. And it's ok to be there. And I agree also, that expecting to "enjoy" anything about cancer is ridiculous. Just ask any one of us who've been there!

I don't know the details of your cancer experience so all I can do is speak from my own experience and from the experiences shared by so many treasured companions/friends:

Frankly yes, cancer is a ****. I don't think any of us deny that it is. Even a tiny cancer is frightening. Even DCIS can and does spread. I learned long ago that those "percentages" really don't carry much weight, when applied to
an individual. Like everyone else here, I've seen long term survival with some very dire prognoses. I've seen short term survival when the prognosis was quite good. The one thing I know for sure is that with cancer, little is certain. I realized, early on, that I could do one of two things with that bit of information:

1. I could sit round in fear and worry and misery for whatever time I would remain among the living, or:
2. I could put my energies, thoughts, feelings and emotions into action toward living a positive, rewarding life.
I chose the latter.

So many times, people think of healing, in terms of only physical healing. But beyond the physical healing, beyond the pronouncement that we have No Evidence of Disease, beyond the aches and pains left over from the rigors or surgery, chemo and rads, there's a much greater healing waiting to happen. The healing of the emotions and the spirit. Our psyche and our spirit endure an often-times brutal assault, during cancer. The wounds there, can sometimes dwarf our physical ones. And yes, anger is a part of our processing having had cancer. It's a healthy part of it too.

However, anger and resentment, is not where we want to become stuck because it is not conducive to living our best lives. It can become debilitating to the point that we can begin to see it (our anger) as a way to "fight back" against all that has assaulted us. So we hang onto it. The only problem with that is that it does not help us to heal, when we cannot work through it.

The Survivor Movie, I think, inspires us to consider that there is so much more! So many options for successfully healing, for "fighting back"...ways of helping ourselves and others to find their best paths to the internal healing, which benefits us greatly.

We begin our first steps onto these paths only when we are ready. As we travel along, we can begin to see a much larger picture emerge, as if through a fog at first and then, more clearly. We begin to see things from our cancer experiences in a positive light. Perhish the thought!!! LOL In finding that light, we can then begin to let go of our pain and fears. We can stop swatting at the bug that bit us. We can let go. We will never forget, because it will always be a part of who we are, as we continue to grow and find ever-more joy and ways to celebrate our living and loving. We cannot "replace" our cancer experience with anything, but we can choose to work through our pains, our fears, our hurts and our issues, one at a time, and likely find that each positive step brings us closer to releasing ourselves from the negatives, from the anger and fear. It happens differently for different people. It happens sooner for some and later for others and it's not something we can rush or push. It takes time, patience and loving oneself and wanting to get there. That's all. Your time will come, Lesley. I know it will. And until it does, it's all ok. You're ok! Your feelings are ok and your life is ok! Here, of all places, you never need apologize for how you're feeling. So, big deal, the movie doesn't do squat for you right now. But I feel confident that the time will come when you will find yourself relating to it very well...(or to something similar), very well. Something uplifing, encouraging, inspiring and something which helps shine a light ahead and helps set you free. Something which speaks to you and helps you find the very best of a nasty experience and find your healing and perspective. Books are good, movies are good, meditation is good, Yoga is good...doesn't matter what you try on, the important part is to keep "trying on" and trying out different methods which help you to find peace. That's the bottom line for me. Being at peace with where I've been and at peace with where I go from here. From today. Next week doesn't concern me really. It'll be here when it gets here. Whether it gets here or not is not in my hands and I fully acknowledge that. Or then, next week could get here and find me grieving the loss of a dear loved one, a dear friend, a dear husband, dear child, sister or brother. I don't have a crystal ball and so, today is where I choose to live. Today is the day I appreciate for the gift that it is. Today is my chance to do what I want to do and to share what I have to share and to give what I have to give. Next week is good for sharing too, but next week may find me here or not. It may find my loved ones here or not. It may find my world changed. It may find my world even amazingly better than it is today. I do not know and I cannot say what next week will bring. And I live today with that understanding and knowledge. With that perspective, I can more easily do my best, be my best and help all that I can...whatever matters to me, is what I must do, but I must do it today. And not be afraid of tomorrow. It's a simple philosophy, one I can easily grasp and embrace. I hope that there may be something in there which can be helpful to you in some small way. Because it makes sense to me and works for me does not mean it will benefit anyone else in the same way it benefits me, but that's the beauty of all journey's...each is unique to the person taking the steps.

I think one of the most difficult challenges for me, in my healing, was to fully appreciate, acknowledge, accept and finally embrace, that today is all there really is. My son may well have to be married without me there. But I won't devote time to fretting about not being there, because I've had cancer. And I will do all within my reasonable power to see that he does not fret about it either. I will either be there or I will not. My next mammo may light up like a holiday tree, but then, it may not. I cannot change what the images will be, by worrying about it. I can only make me stressed and tired by worrying. BTW, my son isn't even near being engaged yet! In the meantime, he has college and plans to enjoy, I have a family to love and care for, friends to share with, and the most I can wish for is to have this day to love and to share, with all it's ups and downs, without fears about the future interrupting. I prefer to live, unencumbered by fears, angers, pains or upsets from the past.

Looking back, my path to healing, seems almost laughable at times. I went through many stages and had many feelings and things to work out. And while I'd have preferred to go along without the "lessons", there are many of those lessons for which I'm grateful. A "down in my soul" kind of grateful. I learned and discovered things which I would not have learned and discovered any other way that I'm aware of and that's valuable to me. I discovered some amazing people with so much to offer. While each of our lives are a "masterpiece", (as in the movie) the brushstrokes are painted by many different things...some sad, some happy, some painful, some we choose and some we do not. Each "masterpiece" is unique, wonderful and just our own. The brushstrokes continue as long as we live and in some cases, serve as inspiration long after we're gone. Me, well, I sort of like art...

Take good care of you, Lesley and know that no matter how you're feeling or where you are with the process of finding healing and perspective, someone here will always understand and care.

(I was dx'd in 2001 with bc...1cm tumor. Lumpectomy w/Sentinal Lymph Dissection, chemo and rads. I was hormone negative and 100% Her/2neu positive. My doctor's discovered in October, '06, that I have some heart damage from the chemo...it isn't advanced at this point. I had cardiac cath two weeks ago and it seems that my ticker is still ticking. LOL We've tried several meds to date, all of which I've either had an allergic reaction to or could not tolerate. Began a new med 4 days ago and so far, so good. My EF was down to 39 in October but has risen some since then, so I've every hope that this can all be managed well with medication with no major problems. If there should be problems, then there they will be. One day, one issue, one brush stroke at a time...

Love, light and laughter,
Ink