I find myself shell-shocked....

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KathiM
KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
First, I am still physically NED...no trouble there....WHEW!
But, it is almost the anniversary of my diagnosis 2 years ago that started this 2-part ride! And I find all of the emotions are on high!!!! I find it hard when I get told "You are such an inspiration!". I fought like heck, and didn't have much of a choice. I look in the mirror, and someone else looks back. I want to put this whole mess behind me, but it's times like this, remembering, that have me with mixed emotions.

I know tomorrow I will pick myself up, brush myself off, and smile...but WOW! Does life smack me in the face every once in a while!!!

Hugs from a very small bear,
Kathi
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  • CAMaura
    CAMaura Member Posts: 719 Member
    #2
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    Hey...You get brownie points for being so incredibly honest. We do lose our footing - or just slide a bit every once in a while. But you will regain your place among the confident...That is where I always see you. To be honest, having these sad thoughts does keep us very humble...I like that. Hang in there...You are strong and beautiful and you are on a great journey...But sometimes it is okay to stop and reflect and rest...All the best to you and I bet you are smiling again by now! Take care - Maura
  • spongebob
    spongebob Member Posts: 2,565 Member
    #3
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    Kathi -

    You ARE an inspiration to many, many people. Heroes are not the people who walk around in the Superman suit everyday. Real heroes are the ordinary people, who by happenstance and fate, do extraordinary things and carry on as a matter of course. They don't place themselves on a pedestal and expect medals and confetti, they quietly go about their lives. But their lives and how the do what they do - everyday - inspires others to emulate them, their courage, their quiet joy, and their spirit. Face it daughter, you are the epitome of a hero.

    You know you won't put this whole mess behind you. Each of us is the sum of our life experiences. How we parlay those experiences - good or bad - into something positive that helps our neighbors defines us as a person, singles out our character,and makes us either a person who leaves the world a better a better place or someone who could have done better with the resources given him or her.

    I believe you're doin' mighty good. I believe there are a lot of heroes here who are doin' mighty good. Keep up the fight - not for yourself now (seeing as you're a Nedweena), but for the others who need your strength and support. You're making a positive difference in the lives of many, many people.

    - Dad
  • vinny3
    vinny3 Member Posts: 928 Member
    #4
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    Kathi,
    I can certainly relate to the down times but mostly it is good times relating to enjoying being alive. I also can relate to looking in the mirror (why is my young brain trapped in that old body?). You ARE an inspiration to all of us.

    HUGS!
    ****
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #5
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    CAMaura said:

    Hey...You get brownie points for being so incredibly honest. We do lose our footing - or just slide a bit every once in a while. But you will regain your place among the confident...That is where I always see you. To be honest, having these sad thoughts does keep us very humble...I like that. Hang in there...You are strong and beautiful and you are on a great journey...But sometimes it is okay to stop and reflect and rest...All the best to you and I bet you are smiling again by now! Take care - Maura

    Maura...

    Yes, I am smiling, and it is because of you. Thank you for letting me feel like it's ok...I so much love my family here!

    Hugs, Kathi
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #6
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    spongebob said:

    Kathi -

    You ARE an inspiration to many, many people. Heroes are not the people who walk around in the Superman suit everyday. Real heroes are the ordinary people, who by happenstance and fate, do extraordinary things and carry on as a matter of course. They don't place themselves on a pedestal and expect medals and confetti, they quietly go about their lives. But their lives and how the do what they do - everyday - inspires others to emulate them, their courage, their quiet joy, and their spirit. Face it daughter, you are the epitome of a hero.

    You know you won't put this whole mess behind you. Each of us is the sum of our life experiences. How we parlay those experiences - good or bad - into something positive that helps our neighbors defines us as a person, singles out our character,and makes us either a person who leaves the world a better a better place or someone who could have done better with the resources given him or her.

    I believe you're doin' mighty good. I believe there are a lot of heroes here who are doin' mighty good. Keep up the fight - not for yourself now (seeing as you're a Nedweena), but for the others who need your strength and support. You're making a positive difference in the lives of many, many people.

    - Dad

    Thanks, dad...this is why I am sooooo proud to call you that!!! And thank you for the book. AND...well....MAYBE.....Hans, with the help of this counselor (she advises hospice patients, too), is starting to see my point....

    Maybe there is a rock in my future...hummmmmmm

    'Mrs. doctor'????

    Hugs, Kathi
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #7
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    vinny3 said:

    Kathi,
    I can certainly relate to the down times but mostly it is good times relating to enjoying being alive. I also can relate to looking in the mirror (why is my young brain trapped in that old body?). You ARE an inspiration to all of us.

    HUGS!
    ****

    Thank you, ****. I almost didn't post this thread, it sounded so whinney and self-absorbed, and "What do I have to complain about...after all, I beat the beast for the time being". You all that are still fighting take my breath away...the strength of will is awesome!

    Hugs, Kathi
  • lfondots63
    lfondots63 Member Posts: 818 Member
    #8
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    Hi Kathi!

    I'm glad you are smiling some now. Everyone gets down sometimes. I think just how you faced this (and yes I know only because you had to) is what helps others through this. Your fun outlook on things makes us smile and keeps each of us chugging along in this journey. Just continue to be you. HUGS!!

    Lisa F.
  • usakat
    usakat Member Posts: 610 Member
    #9
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    My dearest Kathi,

    What SpongeBob says about heroes is true. Heroes are ordinary people who inspire other ordinary people in very meaningful ways, which you do here at CSN.

    You, being two years into your survivorship, having celebrated NED, with your amazing positive attitude inspire people like me who are in the midst of the fight, struggling with the uncertainty of whether or not the cancer is gone or just taking up residence someplace else, and who are trying to stay motivated while feeling so ill through treatments. On days like today when I'm trying to convince myself that I really don't feel that badly after Wednesday's dose of Oxaliplatin (while I sit here in Southern California with the heater on, wearing Uggs and gloves with my hands and feet buzzing, saying my mantra - I will not throw up, I will not throw up...), and after not so great ultrasound results I think about you and how you celebrate life, are joyful for each of our victories, and how you beat the beast not once, but twice.

    Kathi, face it sister, you are an inspiration...you just can't help it!

    So last night you were feeling human and delicate and you came here for support. I'm glad to be able to return the favor - know your friends are behind you everyday. You are different than the person you were before, you are now a beautiful survivor and a true friend to many.

    Be well and big, big hugs,
    Katie
  • shmurciakova
    shmurciakova Member Posts: 906 Member
    #10
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    It is interesting what you said about looking in the mirror and someone else looking back. I have felt that way before too at times...but I AM 5 years older than I was when I was diagnosed. Now I am pushing 40 and when I was diagnosed I was only 31, so the person looking back at me is a more mature woman! I think geez, all this cancer stuff has really aged me, but I guess I would have aged anyway! I still think I look pretty good considering all that I have been through.
    I don't know if you ever feel totally confident in your health again after going through something like this and for you, having gone through 2 separate cancers...
    All the books I have read and professionals I have talked to say that "anniversaries" are hard, so I think what you are feeling is totally normal.
    I want to put all this mess behind me to, but I think SpongeBob is right on when he says we are the sum of our life experiences. So we have to move past our cancer, but I don't think we can ever really put it far from our minds.
    You are not alone.!
    -Susan H.
  • jsabol
    jsabol Member Posts: 1,145 Member
    #11
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    Hey Kathi,
    Thanks for the post...boy, can I relate. I am coming up on the 3 yr anniversary of my surgery (12/03), have my annual colonscopy next week, and the good news of continued NED from my scans a few weeks back. My dad's birthday is next week; he died nearly 6 yrs ago from metastatic colon cancer. We just spent part of last weekend with a friend who is now 1 year out from his throat/neck treatment (the treatment nearly killed him) and he's NED.
    So.....the fragility of all of our lives, the gift of NED, anniversaries good and bad, friends and family who are in the thick of this battle. You are right...we all do our best under our circumstances, and the fates look more kindly on some of us.
    I'm typing this with tears of gratitude, worry, hope...I am so grateful to have found this site, where I KNOW someone is going through somthing similar each step of the way!
    And now I'm going out to rake up the tons of leaves in my yard on this glorious fall day!
    Stay strong, live well, and dance,
    Judy
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #12
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    lfondots63 said:

    Hi Kathi!

    I'm glad you are smiling some now. Everyone gets down sometimes. I think just how you faced this (and yes I know only because you had to) is what helps others through this. Your fun outlook on things makes us smile and keeps each of us chugging along in this journey. Just continue to be you. HUGS!!

    Lisa F.

    Lisa,
    It is grand to have such wonderful friends, that will pick me up when I'm down! Thank you so much for the kind words...I will try to revert to the cheerleading squad (can I be head cheerleader, PLUEEEEEZE?????).

    Hugs, Kathi
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #13
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    usakat said:

    My dearest Kathi,

    What SpongeBob says about heroes is true. Heroes are ordinary people who inspire other ordinary people in very meaningful ways, which you do here at CSN.

    You, being two years into your survivorship, having celebrated NED, with your amazing positive attitude inspire people like me who are in the midst of the fight, struggling with the uncertainty of whether or not the cancer is gone or just taking up residence someplace else, and who are trying to stay motivated while feeling so ill through treatments. On days like today when I'm trying to convince myself that I really don't feel that badly after Wednesday's dose of Oxaliplatin (while I sit here in Southern California with the heater on, wearing Uggs and gloves with my hands and feet buzzing, saying my mantra - I will not throw up, I will not throw up...), and after not so great ultrasound results I think about you and how you celebrate life, are joyful for each of our victories, and how you beat the beast not once, but twice.

    Kathi, face it sister, you are an inspiration...you just can't help it!

    So last night you were feeling human and delicate and you came here for support. I'm glad to be able to return the favor - know your friends are behind you everyday. You are different than the person you were before, you are now a beautiful survivor and a true friend to many.

    Be well and big, big hugs,
    Katie

    Katie,
    What a joy you are to call 'friend'!!!! The good news about we southern californians is that we are ALREADY thought to be slightly off, so wearing snow clothes in the fall is right in fashion!!!!

    I WILL be there at your whistle...whenever you need me...

    Thank you for the hugs.

    Hugs back, Kathi
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #14
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    shmurciakova said:

    It is interesting what you said about looking in the mirror and someone else looking back. I have felt that way before too at times...but I AM 5 years older than I was when I was diagnosed. Now I am pushing 40 and when I was diagnosed I was only 31, so the person looking back at me is a more mature woman! I think geez, all this cancer stuff has really aged me, but I guess I would have aged anyway! I still think I look pretty good considering all that I have been through.
    I don't know if you ever feel totally confident in your health again after going through something like this and for you, having gone through 2 separate cancers...
    All the books I have read and professionals I have talked to say that "anniversaries" are hard, so I think what you are feeling is totally normal.
    I want to put all this mess behind me to, but I think SpongeBob is right on when he says we are the sum of our life experiences. So we have to move past our cancer, but I don't think we can ever really put it far from our minds.
    You are not alone.!
    -Susan H.

    Thank you, Susan for sharing. I do feel pretty good most of the time, just some aches and pains that are NOT made better by the aging process. BUT, I AM breathing, and laughing, and going on with my life. You are right on, I HAVE changed, mostly for the better, because of this fight with the beast!!!

    Hugs, kathi
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #15
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    jsabol said:

    Hey Kathi,
    Thanks for the post...boy, can I relate. I am coming up on the 3 yr anniversary of my surgery (12/03), have my annual colonscopy next week, and the good news of continued NED from my scans a few weeks back. My dad's birthday is next week; he died nearly 6 yrs ago from metastatic colon cancer. We just spent part of last weekend with a friend who is now 1 year out from his throat/neck treatment (the treatment nearly killed him) and he's NED.
    So.....the fragility of all of our lives, the gift of NED, anniversaries good and bad, friends and family who are in the thick of this battle. You are right...we all do our best under our circumstances, and the fates look more kindly on some of us.
    I'm typing this with tears of gratitude, worry, hope...I am so grateful to have found this site, where I KNOW someone is going through somthing similar each step of the way!
    And now I'm going out to rake up the tons of leaves in my yard on this glorious fall day!
    Stay strong, live well, and dance,
    Judy

    Judy,
    When you are finished with your yard, can you come do MINE?????
    Congrats on the THREE YEARS!!!!! That is so close to being officially done with the beast, 5 years being, of course, when the medical community used the other 'C' word...."CURE"!!!!

    My arms go around you for the loss of your dad, and the strength it took to fight YOUR battle.

    Hugs, Kathi
  • jams67
    jams67 Member Posts: 925 Member
    #16
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    It's nice to know you are human. You are always so upbeat all the time. Tomorrow is another day and we're happy to be alive. Looking forward ... jams
  • taraHK
    taraHK Member Posts: 1,952 Member
    #17
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    Anniversaries can be a very strange time. I describe mine as "bitter sweet". On the one hand, it can be a time for celebration. But, it also reminds us of "the day the bomb dropped" or "why am I in this club", etc. I find I have to handle myself carefully on anniversaries. I try to think about something special to do on that day, to mark the occasion in a meaningful way. Thinking of you.
  • Kanort
    Kanort Member Posts: 1,272 Member
    #18
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    Hi Kathi,

    Thanks for sharing your feelings. I hope you are feeling better today and that your spirits are renewed.

    Hugs,

    Kay
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #19
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    jams67 said:

    It's nice to know you are human. You are always so upbeat all the time. Tomorrow is another day and we're happy to be alive. Looking forward ... jams

    Yup, human here! lol! You should have seen me the day the docs told me that they would need to remove the NG tube...and then REPLACE it!!!! THAT would have been a picture!!! (I convinced them that, since I had just had the surgery to clear the block, that we should 'try out' the new area..hehehehehe...no NG...doc said "You know, we all HATE to do this, as much as the patient hates having it!!!!")

    Hugs, Kathi
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #20
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    taraHK said:

    Anniversaries can be a very strange time. I describe mine as "bitter sweet". On the one hand, it can be a time for celebration. But, it also reminds us of "the day the bomb dropped" or "why am I in this club", etc. I find I have to handle myself carefully on anniversaries. I try to think about something special to do on that day, to mark the occasion in a meaningful way. Thinking of you.

    Tara,
    Thank you, many of my anniversaries are bittersweet, too. I guess that is a part of being alive. I am STILL looking for who I am...but really try to enjoy the search, and am pretty good at it most of the time...
    I decided to schedule a massage, something I have not been able to do comfortably with my port sticking out...and this will be a celebration in the port removal, as well!

    Hugs, Kathi
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #21
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    Kanort said:

    Hi Kathi,

    Thanks for sharing your feelings. I hope you are feeling better today and that your spirits are renewed.

    Hugs,

    Kay

    Aw, Kay...what a wonderful friend! And I had the help from my special bag from you!

    Yes, off I go...there is life to be lived!

    Hugs, Kathi

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