Sep 23, 2006 - 11:40 pm
I read so many daughters posting, how their mother breast cancer brought them together, or their mother is their best friend, or this, or that, or the other thing and I just feel like a complete alien.
My mother was never my ally. She was physically and mentally abusive to me as a child. Neglect was her special form of torture. I've always felt like my mother hated me from the moment I was born. She allowed her little brother whom we lived with to beat me to a pulp until I was 18 and got smart, told them I'd call the police if he laid another finger on me. I think the only time she involved herself with my education was to sign me out of school at the beginning of my softmore year of hs. I ended up drowning myself in drugs and alcohol for those 4 years instead. When I decided I wanted to go back to college is the next time she involved herself with my education and that was to go screaming around the house like her hair was on fire, that "how dare" I want to go to college, "she" never went, she was so violently hostile about that, that I put it out of my head. As I matured I became quite physically attractive, she dealt with this by never, ever, being home as opposed to just "never" being home b4.
when I had thyroid cancer at 36 she was busy taking care of her boyfriend and her brothers son, her brother who she treats more like her child than me. she was not there for me at all.
i have a lump in the same breast as my mom. i have a blocked carotid artery which i am going through a battery of tests for, i'm dealing with complications from my cancer surgery last year.
i just feel like i am so hostile towards my mom right now that i can barely talk to her w/o being insensitive. then afterwards i feel so guilty i want to die, and i beat up on myself until i can't take it anymore.
i don't know how to make her understand that her brothers 3 year old kid cannot be in the house. it's too much. i end up taking care of both of them. her brother insists that HIS mother will be taking care of him and this should not interfere with me taking care of my mother, and it is MY JOB to take care of her.