Recovery

steved · June 2006

Some will know me from the past but I haven't posted a lot lately. I am a 33 year old stage 3 rectal cancer survivor, two years post op in England (from New Zealland originally). The reason for this post is to ask people for any reflections they have on the concept of recovery.

I work as a psychiatrist in England and recovery is a concept gaining momentum here in mental health for people with serious mental illness. it is coming to mean developing a meaningful and rewarding life despite illness or disability. It is not necessarily about a return to the way things were before illness or a complete resolution of symptoms. For me it has come to be a core part of my clinical practice.

It has also come to mean somehting personally. i have come to accept that I will never be the same person I was before cancer. Physically my bowels will probably never function like they did. Psychologically I still worry that physical symptoms represent a recurrence and I still think about cancer on a daily basis. Socially, my relationship with my wife and two year old son have been affected (in some ways for teh better and in some ways negatively) and my general outlook on life is different. But yet i consider myself recovering.

This for me has meant that I am able to begin to think positively about the future, cancer takes up less an less space in my life as time passes and I am once again rebuilding a life that I truly love and feel grateful to have. For a period cancer was my life with appointments, treatments and constant symptoms. That period is receding and I hope never to go back to it but I also can't deny that it has left an indelible impact on me and my life.

Recovery for many of us is a very individual and unique journey that often has no end point at which we can stop and say 'and now I am recovered'. i would love to hear others reflection on this idea and other people's take on what recovery means for them.

Steve (who continues to look in on his good friends here from time to time but for whom recovery also means putting some space between him and this site).

KathiM · June 2006

See my reply to gocatsgo....
BUT, in short, I agree that you can never go back. My normal is a new normal, and I will embrace it!
I have found a great relationship with my body...I always used to take it for granted that I would be healthy, regardless of what I did.
Yeah, there have been changes...I no long have some of my 'plumbing', but other than being 'reminded' of that when I over-indulge (like eating a big naughty dinner), I have made many positive changes in my life.
I am one of the survivors that look upon my fight with the beast as a positive one, I met it twice within 19 months. Will it return? Chances are....breast cancer has that nasty habit. Will I fight again? YOU BET!!!!
I had cancer, it NEVER had ME!
Hugs, Kathi

lfondots63 · June 2006

Hi Steve,

I'm still doing treatments for Stage 3 n1 colon cancer but I think that getting used to the new "normal" and embrasing it is part of recovery. You can't go back so there is only going forward. Also I have made some changes to my life like less stress and healthier eating for me and my family. This will never change and is part of the new normal. I think the thought of cancer will always be a part of our life but like Kathi said, IT never Had her. We don't let it beat us down and just keep on fighting. I know that when I'm done chemo I will get more involved like Kathi is doing to change awareness. I have started with my family and friends at work. I think everyone should know that cancer is no longer a definate death sentence. Good luck with your practice. I think you will have a great outlook for your patients.

Lisa

kerry · June 2006

Hi Steve,

It is good to hear from you again and know that you are doing well.

I was diagnosed 3 1/2 yrs ago and am still fighting this monster disease. I only wish I could find that period of time when I feel like I am in recovery - but I am waiting and hoping that it will come for me soon.

Once diagnosed with cancer things are never the same. Our mind set is different, we look at life differently than before - there is a much more serious side to me now, but I try to bring my playful side out of hiding occasionally. It does change relationships by bringing us closer or further apart - it just depends on the circumstances. But most important is our will to live and our desire to love and to put into perspective things that should rank at the top of our list and hold them at high esteem.

Thank you for coming back to us. Don't stay away so long again!

Kerry

RunnerZ · June 2006

Steve, I also welcome you and congratulate you on your recovery from cancer and your advancements in life while recovering. I am a 43 year old lawyer (prosecutor) who was diagnosed at 36 when my legal career was just staring to hit full stride. I had to rentrench, beat cancer, then attempt to rebuild a career while fighting with many of the same ghosts that you speak of (a digestive system that is less than perfect, the omnipresent fear of the return of cancer, etc.). I also had 3 young children at diagnosis. NOT any easy time. I also agree that our lives will never be the same, but I am proud that I have worked full time through my recovery and supported my family...I even moved back to my old hometown (and the house I grew up in) in an effort to simplify my life...and it did work...at least to some extent 9at least I don't deal with New York City traffic any longer). I also know what you mean about coming to this site during recovery. I went rhough stages where I wanted little to do with the subject of cancer. However, now more than 7 years out from cancer, I feel I can provide some inspiration to new survivors. I still run almost every day. I wish you good luck in your career, and welcome you here whenever you feel the need or desire to fill us in on your survival!

jams67 · June 2006

I have been out of chemo for 2 months for stage IV colon cancer with mets. to the liver. Today I talked with a friend who is a psycologist and she is taking me through some stress/pain managment techniques. She thought the feelings I was having were similar to post tramatic stress. I understand what you are saying about this site causing stress. I don't want to misss out on the increcible knowledge that this site has to offer, but when I come here I feel secondary stress from everyone else. Maybe its just too soon for me. Planning more that a couple of months ahead is frightning right now. I just don't trust something called the "future". jams

Moesimo · June 2006

Steve,

welcome back!!!!

I just passed my 3 year anniversary. Life will never be the same. But cancer does not consume my life as it once did.

See my recent post.

Maureen

jerseysue · June 2006

I was dx with stage 4 colon cancer in April 2005, lots of nodes, and mets to ovaries and uterus. I have been NED since my chemo finished in November 2005. I think about cancer everyday and I thank God everyday when I first wake up or when I'm getting into my car to start my work day. Everyday I ask God to keep the cancer away and ask him to keep me NED. So I don't think of it as a recovery more like a waiting game of the crulest kind. I hope everyday that I don't have to put my family through any of this again.

scouty · June 2006

Hi Steve, thanks for checking in, it's great to hear from you. I can't believe your son is 2 years old already!!!!!!!

After spending 2 years fighting to not die, I recently have found myself in a "mode" of trying to learn how to live again. While I am thrilled with where I am today, the ole psyche does get to me some days. Survivor quilt is probably the worst lingering kind of feeling, especially when we lose "one of us", but the wondering if I slept for 10 hours is because the beast is back creeps in too.

I don't think the thoughts and fears ever really go away and I expect some hurdles will be more stressful then others and that has got to be okay. Reality does stink sometimes, but over the years, I hear it get easier. I look forward to being able write about that in the years to come.

As far as time away from here, I think that is all part of recovery and survivorship. It's kind of like we have "graduated" from the day to day classes and are now in post, post on line graduate studies (progress on your own terms). Your thoughts and feelings are quite normal I believe.

Again, thanks for checking in Dad!!!

Lisa P.

shmurciakova · June 2006

Hi Steve,
It's nice to hear from you. I still have you on my "friends" list! Time really does fly, doesn't it. Thankfully! I know exactly what you mean about this site. I feel like I am addicted to it and there have certainly been times when I felt like I just needed to stop looking at it for a while. That, to me has been part of recovery and part of just not thinking about cancer every day.
Finally, nearly 2 years after my last bout with it, I feel like my life is returning to normal. The "new" normal that is...I guess I should say that I finally feel like I am starting to relax. It is very nice, but when those tests roll around! Although I do not worry for as long ahead of time, I still freak out prior to getting the results. I also never feel as elated as I think I should afterwards. Of course I am very grateful and thankful that I am OK, but it is sort of like I feel mentally exhausted after them. I also feel like I am more of a hypochodriac now. I guess one day the fear totally will go away, but for me I only just now feel like I am starting to recover. I am not sure how long it takes. I don't think I will ever feel comfortable "partying" again. I am very moderate now in everything I do and I know that a strict diet is just part of my life now. I will never be able to eat and drink w/ abandon like I did before, but I guess that's the price we pay.
Just being able to relax a little is nice!
OK, enough of my rambling! Who's next?
Take care,
Susan.

cal79 · June 2006

Hi Seteve,

It's good to hear from you - I'm, glad things are getting back on track.

Initially, I struggled very much with the concept of the cancer, the surgery and the bag. I believe that this was mainly because it was so unexpected. No doctor ever believed I had cancer, and I was made to feel like a bit of a time waster until they actually found the cancer. I understand that it was because otherwise healthy 25 year olds with no family history just don't get rectal cancer, but hey, I think in some instances the doctors attitudes were pretty bad.

The main surgery was a bit of a shock for me, and I had a terrible time for about 2 months afterward. I had real body image issues with the bag, and the whole cancer thing had thrown me so far I didn't know how to get back.

However, this style of coping is not really in my personality. I am normally a very pro-active type of person, and denial doesn't really work for me. So, I started to do some research. I had an upcoming ileostomy reversal, and I wanted to be prepared this time. I think I read every journal article ever written on CC in young people, I read about prognosis, about stats, about factors influencing positive outcomes in bowel surgery, I read nutritional info, I read herbal remedies, and most importantly, I read about other peoples experiences.

Armed with all this info, I took charge of my health. I told the docs that yes we could do this, but no, I most certainly would not be doing that. I prepared myself for surgery - I did pelvic floor and kegel exercises, I stocked up with foods to help thicken things, I started a regime of anti-oxidants and vitamins, and I mentally prepared myself for what might happen.

So, for me, this has been the key in my recovery (or way of dealing with the process). I found the information that I needed and I took back control. I became pro-active in my health and in my recovery. I now try and eat organic, minimise chemicals in my house etc etc. Regardless of whether this works or not, I am being pro-active, and am therefore empowered.

Recently, I have begun to think of the experience as a lesson. I have decided that once I complete my PhD I am going to look for a job in the field of cancer prevention. I also try and post on this site to provide some hope for those people who have not made it to the other side yet. I also had an arranged meeting with another young person from my cancer clinic and we had a great conversation about our experiences (and even some laughs).

Sure I have fears that my cancer will return. I recently had my one year scan and I couldn't sleep for about a week beforehand. And I still have some relationship issues which I need to address. But all in all things are pretty good.

I hope your journey takes you where you need to be.

Cal

spongebob · June 2006

Steve -

You're a popular guy! So good to hear from you and very good to know that you're doing well and moving forward with your life and your practice. No doubt this entire experience has given you a unique perspective on a number of different things.

I understand what you mean about pulling away to aid in your recovery. We miss you - and several others who have sort of stepped back - but it is understood.

Be well and enjoy that little man of yours!

Peace

- SpongeBob

Betsydoglover · June 2006

scouty said:
Hi Steve, thanks for checking in, it's great to hear from you. I can't believe your son is 2 years old already!!!!!!!

After spending 2 years fighting to not die, I recently have found myself in a "mode" of trying to learn how to live again. While I am thrilled with where I am today, the ole psyche does get to me some days. Survivor quilt is probably the worst lingering kind of feeling, especially when we lose "one of us", but the wondering if I slept for 10 hours is because the beast is back creeps in too.

I don't think the thoughts and fears ever really go away and I expect some hurdles will be more stressful then others and that has got to be okay. Reality does stink sometimes, but over the years, I hear it get easier. I look forward to being able write about that in the years to come.

As far as time away from here, I think that is all part of recovery and survivorship. It's kind of like we have "graduated" from the day to day classes and are now in post, post on line graduate studies (progress on your own terms). Your thoughts and feelings are quite normal I believe.

Again, thanks for checking in Dad!!!

Lisa P.

Hello Steve -

I don't believe I've met you, but I find your post and Lisa P's response to be inspiring. I'll bet your patients love you!

I am not ready to reduce my participation in this group, but I am also only 13 months out from Stage IV diagnosis. But, I appreciate what you say and can imagine how part of recovery may involve not focusing quite so much on the cancer part of your life. "I have cancer, but cancer does not have me." I try to live by that, but being Stage IV and just one year from diagnosis it is not always possible.

Nice to meet you, glad to hear your thoughts and while I understand you may not want to post here frequently, I think you could help. (Free psychotherapy - how great is that!).

Take care,
Betsy

Recovery

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