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Losing a good friend

Quil
Posts: 2
Joined: Apr 2006

Hello, It has been a long time since I was here so I guess I am new to this site again.

Maybe someone here will have some insight or experience on my delima. About a year and a half ago....

I was in a long distance lesbian relationship for four years with whom I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. My Girl friend and I were very much in love and working on moving closer to one another. Although it was a struggle being 3000 miles apart, We would not go more than 3 months without seeing each other, we talked several times a day keeping the communication open. I was in therapy, the relationship was moving forward and the date was set in a few short months I would move, and we would start our new life together.

Then one day I was blindsided, My Girlfriend told me was confused, she was starting to have feeling for one of her friends. She had a group of lesbian friends, often times we would visit when I was in town visiting her, this person was part of that group.
So we broke up. Tried to remain friends...

2 months after we broke up I found out I had Cancer. My now ex and I have struggled to remain friends. The distance is now in our advantage. We have made one attempt to establish a friendship between the three of us. I flew back to PA to visit. It was OK, but I was having a hard time struggling with the cancer, and the loss of our relationship, her new relationship and I am not sure I was completely over her at that time (looking back at it). However, Keeping a friendship was important to both of so we have stayed in contact to this date.

About 3 months ago I found out the cancer was spreading, the chemo was no longer effective and surgery no longer an option. The Doctors are now just trying to keep me comfortable, offering Pallative care. My ex and I both agree we would like to see each other before I get really sick. I invited her to come at the end of March first of April. I told her I would really like to spend time with just her. (As friends, I respect that she is in a relationship) She understood and said she trusted my intentions. However when she called me to tell me she would be coming and she booked the trip. She said her and her girlfriend would be coming. On one hand I was happy but on the other I was taken back. I feel like she did not even consider how I felt before she booked the trip, I would have at least liked to make the choice my self. Not to mention I only invited her to come.
I am not sure what to do, I do want see her, I know this will be the last time I see her. My life is stressful enough just dealing with the cancer, I am not really sure If I want to try and spend 5 days with her and her girl friend. I explained again how I felt to my ex, however she seems to think it would be good for the three of us to get to know each other. ??

Any advice on how I should handle this?

24242
Posts: 1417
Joined: Mar 2001

There are reasons we don't sometimes end up with those we love with all our souls. Our intuition sometimes screams out for us to look beyond the infatuations and get real about everything. I have learned through my 20 years out that everything is not truly as it seems. Sometimes we just see what we want to see because our fears are more about being alone than anything.
Like you I had done the long distance thing for 4 years when it truly got to the point of getting off that too comfortable pot. It was easy getting along though we were able to spend more time together than most couples due to shift work and lots of holidays. WE both had been at good jobs for years and I had had a young son to consider. Then one day I found a lump and that really made it all very clear and I moved because I was the one who truly wasn't happy living the life I had created for myself. I had mostly done what I was expected to and worked hard making
money.
Nothing stays the same and sometimes even though we are sick things don't work out. It amazes me how many think just because you have cancer the money issues cease and the worries gone. I have struggled for years to stay and remember all the love there was before cancer and how fortunate I had people with me though my family and friends were miles away. I think you should be open to another a friend willing to share time and be there for you. If we are not open sometimes we miss something very good coming along and sometimes we even show we are unavailable and keep people at bay.
I am sorry that you have such a struggle going on with everything else you are facing. I am amazed who has been there for me and truly understood
often from the most unlikely sources. Strangers I have met at the Cancer Clinic have turned out to be some of the best friends being there to listen to them as they struggle with all they face.
Yes she should of asked but then maybe she already knew your answer and that wasn't good enough for her. Maybe this is your time to find out if you can truly be friends.
I hope that you open yourself up to new thoughts and possibilities.
Be good to yourself always and maybe she knows you need someone too.
Tara

Quil
Posts: 2
Joined: Apr 2006

Thank You for your reply. I do agree. Infact I did communicate with my friend about being a little nervous about it, but ready for both of them to come.

24242
Posts: 1417
Joined: Mar 2001

I am so glad that your honest about how you were feeling but still open to them both coming. Sometimes people have to do what is right for them too and I am glad you are giving them both the chance to spend time with you. I think you are very lucky to have your ex still be there for you I think that says allot for the relationship you did have together and that you can be very proud of. It seems not so easy being friends with the ex's but I am fortunate as well to be friends with most of mine. I was also glad to know that they thought enough of me to want to come see me while I was ill and needing to feel connected to people. It helped me more than I would ever have thought.
Please keep in touch and let me know how things are going for you. You are an amazing person and to be able to open yourself up at this time is an amazing thing.
Be good to yourself always,
Tara

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