Oct 25, 2005 - 7:35 pm
Hello Everyone!!! I know that I haven't been in touch with you guys for a while. I have logged on and check things out from time to time and just can't read everything. I am sorry for that. I wish I could say that I am doing better. I didn't want to contact you guys and vent but I just don't know what else to do. I am still seeing a therapist. I thought that it would help but I guess the only thing that she has done is kept me here. I have never felt so low. I wish that I could say something uplifting but I just don't have it in me anymore. I know that time is flying by and I am just staying in the past. I just can't figure out how to get out of this. I hated this time of year even before everything happened and I even hate it more now!!!!!! It is all I can do to drag myself out of bed in the morning to get to work. I literally plow through the day. It is all I can do not to yell at the kids on the bus all the time. It take everything I have to hold myself together till the end of the day. Then I come home to an empty house which I can't take anymore. Even now I keep waiting for Bob to come home from work. I know that sound dumb. I have stopped going to the support groups about a month ago. It just is to hard and hits to close to home. I don't want to hear about everyone else getting on with their lives when my life has endded. I just can't find myself. I have been trying to get the things done at the house that have to be done before winter but with no luck. Beside still not having my new furnace in and my roof sagging on the house. The shed roof fell in on one of Bob's cars. I just lost it. I called my brother in law and told him and all he was worried about was his old car that was in it. I just lost it. I told him if he took care of it like he said he would this summer it wouldn't of happened. I also told him that he has had since last March to replace the furnace when it quite and it is now fall with winter knocking on the door and I still don't have any heat. I had already paid him to pick up the new furnace. He said to use the fireplace and I told him that I was having it worked on and I had given them a deposit and haven't seen them since. I just don't know what to do. I just want to quite. Everyone come up with these list of things that I have to do and I just looked at him and said how can I do this without any help. I just can handle being alone. I know that I should be used to it but I am NOT. I sleep when I do on the couch with Bob's ashes. I just can't let go. Believe me I try everyday to find something to make me go on. I think my therapist is worried that I am going to cut out on her. I have been thinking about jsut that as I am spending monery that I don't have and I don't feel as though it is doing an good. I still feel a lost unwanted as I did before.
I'm sorry for the gloom. I know that some of you don't need to hear this as you are going through very rough times to. I read the post when Scott passed away. Between Grandma and Scott and Bob's friend and Lisa. I just cry as we go back to the beginning and the Monster that took Bob took alot of my new friends that were there for me. I miss them so much!!!!
I want to thank you guys for listening. I just needed someone to talk to. I know that this isn't the same as person to person but it is the best that I have right now. I know that you guys won't judge me. You guys have always gotten me through someof my rough times and I have alot of them coming up. As I know you guys know what I am talking about. My Therapist asked me about the next few months and I jsut looked at her and said I can't go there. Just thinking about it sends me panicing. I am just trying to take one day and some days on moment at a time. I try to talk to Erv this past weekend when he came up to look at the damage and he just turned and looked at me and said that he didn't want to hear it anymore and that I have to get on with things. My heart just fell in the mud. I realized then that I was by myself with this. I was alone when I met Bob and I never thought that I would be there again. I feel even more alone now then I did then. This is partly why I needed to post.
I am so sorry if I upset you guys!!!!! I have been trying not to bother anyone with my gloom but I needed someone to talk to and I thought of you guys.
Thank You again for listening to me. To all of you guys both new and old, PLEASE fighting this monster with everything you have so no one else has to go through what I and some others are going through. Taking care of Bob was the easy part!!!! This is even harder!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love all of you dearly!!!!
Best Wishes,Prayers,and Hugs and beautiful rainbows heading to all of you!!!!