CSN Login
Members Online: 18

Hello - needed someone to talk to!

bsrules
Posts: 296
Joined: Mar 2004

Hello Everyone!!! I know that I haven't been in touch with you guys for a while. I have logged on and check things out from time to time and just can't read everything. I am sorry for that. I wish I could say that I am doing better. I didn't want to contact you guys and vent but I just don't know what else to do. I am still seeing a therapist. I thought that it would help but I guess the only thing that she has done is kept me here. I have never felt so low. I wish that I could say something uplifting but I just don't have it in me anymore. I know that time is flying by and I am just staying in the past. I just can't figure out how to get out of this. I hated this time of year even before everything happened and I even hate it more now!!!!!! It is all I can do to drag myself out of bed in the morning to get to work. I literally plow through the day. It is all I can do not to yell at the kids on the bus all the time. It take everything I have to hold myself together till the end of the day. Then I come home to an empty house which I can't take anymore. Even now I keep waiting for Bob to come home from work. I know that sound dumb. I have stopped going to the support groups about a month ago. It just is to hard and hits to close to home. I don't want to hear about everyone else getting on with their lives when my life has endded. I just can't find myself. I have been trying to get the things done at the house that have to be done before winter but with no luck. Beside still not having my new furnace in and my roof sagging on the house. The shed roof fell in on one of Bob's cars. I just lost it. I called my brother in law and told him and all he was worried about was his old car that was in it. I just lost it. I told him if he took care of it like he said he would this summer it wouldn't of happened. I also told him that he has had since last March to replace the furnace when it quite and it is now fall with winter knocking on the door and I still don't have any heat. I had already paid him to pick up the new furnace. He said to use the fireplace and I told him that I was having it worked on and I had given them a deposit and haven't seen them since. I just don't know what to do. I just want to quite. Everyone come up with these list of things that I have to do and I just looked at him and said how can I do this without any help. I just can handle being alone. I know that I should be used to it but I am NOT. I sleep when I do on the couch with Bob's ashes. I just can't let go. Believe me I try everyday to find something to make me go on. I think my therapist is worried that I am going to cut out on her. I have been thinking about jsut that as I am spending monery that I don't have and I don't feel as though it is doing an good. I still feel a lost unwanted as I did before.

I'm sorry for the gloom. I know that some of you don't need to hear this as you are going through very rough times to. I read the post when Scott passed away. Between Grandma and Scott and Bob's friend and Lisa. I just cry as we go back to the beginning and the Monster that took Bob took alot of my new friends that were there for me. I miss them so much!!!!

I want to thank you guys for listening. I just needed someone to talk to. I know that this isn't the same as person to person but it is the best that I have right now. I know that you guys won't judge me. You guys have always gotten me through someof my rough times and I have alot of them coming up. As I know you guys know what I am talking about. My Therapist asked me about the next few months and I jsut looked at her and said I can't go there. Just thinking about it sends me panicing. I am just trying to take one day and some days on moment at a time. I try to talk to Erv this past weekend when he came up to look at the damage and he just turned and looked at me and said that he didn't want to hear it anymore and that I have to get on with things. My heart just fell in the mud. I realized then that I was by myself with this. I was alone when I met Bob and I never thought that I would be there again. I feel even more alone now then I did then. This is partly why I needed to post.

I am so sorry if I upset you guys!!!!! I have been trying not to bother anyone with my gloom but I needed someone to talk to and I thought of you guys.

Thank You again for listening to me. To all of you guys both new and old, PLEASE fighting this monster with everything you have so no one else has to go through what I and some others are going through. Taking care of Bob was the easy part!!!! This is even harder!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love all of you dearly!!!!

Best Wishes,Prayers,and Hugs and beautiful rainbows heading to all of you!!!!

Sue

crazylady
Posts: 544
Joined: Jun 2004

Hi Sue,
I'm so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. Please do not give up!! If you are not being helped by your therapist you can always look for a new one. Are you on any medication such as antidepressants? They have really helped me.
You are also needed here. Your messages are always uplifting. They help me and I'm sure that they help others. Thank You! Please remember that there is always hope and tomorrow is another day. Try to find and focus on something positive in your life. Any one very small thing can make a difference.
Take care,
Jamie

alihamilton's picture
alihamilton
Posts: 344
Joined: Jan 2004

Hi Sue, I am so sorry you are feeling so down. Don't ever feel you should not vent your feelings here. We are here for you though we would like to be able to do more for you.

I agree that you might look for another therapist but also keep in mind that everyone heals from emotional pain differently and in different time frames. You are still in the initial grieving process for your loss of your beloved Bob. Your loneliness does not help this and unfortunately it is quite common for others to feel that you should "be over this and get on with your life". However, noone else can tell you how long you should or will grieve for. Not only was Bob your life and soul, but you cared for and nursed him to the end so the bond is inexplicable to other people in your life. Don't despair...allow yourself to grieve in your own way. Even though everything is such a effort, keep doing what you are doing...things will get easier. I know when you are feeling this way, it is hard to get enthusiastic about anything but if you do think of something new to do, some new activity, new hobby, anything that you could focus on, then give it a try. You do say you always hated this time of year even before Bob became ill, so that may also be adding to your depression.

I wish there was something we could do for you apart from support and love you on this board.

Take care,

Ali

kangatoo's picture
kangatoo
Posts: 2115
Joined: Feb 2004

Yeah Sue..you upset me! Now don't go doing that! For you to think that you would really upset anyone here is just not on Sue! Get those thoughts right out of your mind sweetie...you must remember that anyone, any time should be perfectly comfortable coming here to let off steam.
I really do feel sad for you going thru this gal but nothing I say is going to make you feel better. Sue, when my dad passed away, I was 13 at the time, he was my soulmate...my best buddy...it broke ny heart. 37 years later it still breaks my heart to think he was taken from me so early in life..he was 41 y/o. I grew up without a dad. For years..even into my later years I never, ever enjoyed "new years eve". It was his birthday, and even now I grieve a little each new years day. But sweetie..we go on. Over those years I kept telling myself that dad would not want me to be upset. He would have wanted me to try and remember him as he was and to hold those memories but to know that my life continues...and so must yours Sue.
These words I write may never be enough to help you my gal but I think that most of us here have shared a tragedy in our lives. So...we all know the heartache..and we share with you.
I can only say to you..be strong..remember your Bob..and that he would want you to grieve and in time have the pain subside. It will never really go away Sue..I know..truly I do. But it will ease.
huggs always Sue, Ross and Jen

Btrcup's picture
Btrcup
Posts: 287
Joined: Jun 2004

Hi Sue. I am sorry you are feeling so down. I wish we lived closer since we are going through the same things. It's so strange to know that I will never see Scott again. I keep expecting him to call or walk through the door. We got married on my birthday (Nov 18) and it would have been 10 years next month. I have already planned to have all my girlfriends over for a "slumber party" to keep me busy.

Do you have close friends that maybe can stay with you for a weekend....have a girls only weekend and just shop, or drink or eat or whatever. I wish we lived closer. I know you are from NJ, where I am originally from and I do travel up there to see my family. Maybe we can meet sometime. We can cry on each other's shoulder.

Please don't give up! Your advice to me here after Scott passed was priceless. We all appreciate your input so much.

Linda

kangatoo's picture
kangatoo
Posts: 2115
Joined: Feb 2004

And I think your support and advice to each other is "priceless" Linda. God bless both of you.
Ross and Jen

jana11
Posts: 708
Joined: May 2004

Sue,

I am so sorry for all your sadness. Don't EVER apologize for coming here for help - it makes me feel so good to try to help others; sharing your problems helps me not feel so sorry for myself.

I agree. Make an inventory of what you can do to make yourself feel better. Girlfriends, church group, maybe different therapist, etc. You are a fighter/ a survivor. You can keep Bob's spirit alive by finding a way to make your life happier. Call the friends that were there for you before and let them know the winter months are tough and you need more help.

Come here anytime, as much as you need, and let us be here for you.

We love you and care for you so much. You deserve to be better.

Be well. jana

pjenks57's picture
pjenks57
Posts: 112
Joined: Nov 2003

Dear Sue. First let me say that you should never apologize for coming to this wonderful place to talk and vent. This is THE place to do just that. I am sorry that you are having a rough time. I empathize with you. I have not had to deal with what you are going thru and hope that I don't but ... My hubby has stageIV colon and we just can't seem to get that durn dragon to lay his ugly head. He is fighting with all he has and I just sit by and wish there was something that I could do.
The one and only thing that has gotten me thru all this crap is my church. I know this sounds stupid to some folks but I never attended church much until the cancer dx. Now it is my saving grace. My pastor told me once when I couldn't go any more to visualize myself crawling up into Jesus' lap and crying on his shoulder and to put my heart and soul into it. I tried it and it really worked for me! I have turned it all over to him as I know that I am too weak to deal with this. It is up to him to do his will and to help me and my daughter to make it thru. I know he will and I know that my life will go on regardless.
Please don't just laugh this away just give it a try and if you need a place to go find a local church and plug in. You will be amazed how much love and friendship you can find at a good ole home church. Not one of the big elaborate money hungry ones just find a small loving church. I don't care what religion it is just GO. You will be amazed and happy I promise.
Now see here I go rambling on and on. I shall stop and send prayers your way.
Come in and share and time you want. We are here for you always.
pj

bsrules
Posts: 296
Joined: Mar 2004

Thank You All!!!!

I just go home from seeing my primary Dr. and he had talked to my therapist and yes I am now are meds. Beside the antidepressants he gave me something to help me get some sleep. I am not one to take pills but I will give it a try. He said that it would take probably a couple of weeks before I notice anything. We shall see. I will promise you all that for now I will NOT give up. I am trying!!!!

I want to Thank All of you again for being there for me again. As far as church goes. I clean one as one of my side jobs and the people are very nice and helpful. I notice that they are ot leaving me such a mess every week. They are helping me that way to ease my work load. That I appreciate!!

I'm sorry if I upset anyone I didn't mean to do that!!!! Kango I love you and Jen very much as you guys have been there for Bob and I from the beginning and now are here for me.That I will NEVER forget!!!! You are a very special person and everyone here is extreamely lucky that we have you to keep us in tack!!!!

Thank You All!!!

Sue

2bhealed's picture
2bhealed
Posts: 2084
Joined: Dec 2001

hey sue!

(((((((((((((((oh honey)))))))))))))))))

My heart breaks for you. It IS a rough go isn't it? I didn't lose my life partner but I sure know the grief of losing one to cancer. But to be alone on top of that is just unfathomable.

Was there any ONE person in that support group you could reach out to--make a phone call? ANYONE?? If you don't want to go to the group I understand but certainly there could be a one on one time with someone who can help you stay steady. Someone who knows what you are feeling. The loss. the loneliness. The aloneness.

Isn't there some Better Business Bureau you can call about the fireplace guys who are swindling you at the moment....if they haven't show back up. Have you called? There has to be someone to whom you can report them....and get some action going. As for you bro-in-law not getting the furnace and money being paid, there should be some action there as well. Legal advice from someone? Any lawyers on here? I don't think lawyers get colon cancer do they? haha They're never constipated cuz they $#!T on people. JUST KIDDING!!! Making a joke. Sorry. :-0

Sue honey, I am glad you still come and share. We are bonded by a strange relation--cancer. There is no going back. You got us for life. :-)

you remain in my prayers.

peace, emily

Subscribe with RSS
About Cancer Society

The content on this site is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your condition. Use of this online service is subject to the disclaimer and the terms and conditions.

Copyright 2000-2015 © Cancer Survivors Network