support for husbands

Hi dapiek:

In addition to being a man, my husband is also my best friend in the world. The one person who understands me better than any other human being. And he actually isn't too bad at reading my body language either. Of course, we'd been married quite a while when I was dx'd with bc and that makes a difference too, in that the more we're together, the more we learn about one another.

In most respects, "I" didn't have cancer, "WE" did. From the beginning, my husband researched as much as I and we discovered a lot together about bc, treatments, side effects, pathology and what it meant. Learned together, what we needed to understand, in order to help me make the best decisions. We spent hours in consultation with my surgeon. Asking questions, making notes to follow up on, etc.. We traveled together from the beginning and my husband never wanted to not know exactly what was going on at any given time. Regarding side effects, how I felt emotionally and spiritually and doing all he could to help me through. Sometimes he pushed and sometimes he pulled, but he was always in there with me. He went to all the 2nd opinion consults, to chemo treatments and still worked.
At the same time, we worked together to try to keep a calm balance for our then 13 year old son.

Sometimes, I'd insist that they go out for an afternoon of fun while I stayed home and stared deeply into candles and the like, pondering the fix I'd found myself in. It was good for them and it was good for me. I didn't want or need either of them afoot too much or fussing about a great deal. That's just not me. I seriously needed to know that things were going on around me and particularly within our family, in as much a normal fashion as possible. Wasn't quite sure what "normal" meant anymore, so just had to rely on memory. Yet I knew beyond knowing that my husband was totally plugged in. I knew that he (and my son) were my best allies and supporters yet not stuck in a misery/fear mode. We shared and talked a lot, so I don't think either one of them ever felt removed from what was going on. We all believed that I would get through it and be ok. And 4 years later, here we all are, well and happy and there is no greater gift.

I'm not aware of any "husbands" only support groups but I agree with Idalia that it's worth checking out the "Emotional Support" board here.

What I saw from my husband, was a lot of love and caring and I let him know that there were things he could "fix"...like the leaky bathroom faucet. He also fixed my gardening issues by getting large buckets and soils and setting them up for my plants, etc.. And I had such pleasure growing a veggie garden in that fashion. He moved the pots every single day, into the sun for the day and into the shade later in the afternoon, so that I could water the plants and pluck leaves and putter about with them, in daylight, without the fear of sunburn or overheating. Just little things like that which made such a difference and brought joy in small ways that were hugely rewarding.

I honestly don't know how my husband did it all and so well. I like to think that I could love and support him half so well in a similar situation. If I could not, then I would be heart broken.

My best advice is to just let your heart guide you. You've come here and asked questions and that's a great start! Try placing yourself in your wife's shoes and try to determine what you may think, feel or need. It's also perfectly ok to just ask her what she needs or what would make her day. It could be so simple as a few hours of talking and feeling understood. Just be a good listener and don't expect to necessarily "get" everything she may be feeling. Rather, accept her feelings and think about them while not trying to tell her she shouldn't feel this or that way and certainly don't try to "fix" how she feels. Make suggestions but never deny her those feelings. They're very real and very difficult for her to have. Only she can "fix" her feelings and thoughts and it takes a lot of time, effort, love and support to get there. No overnight remedies to be had that I'm aware of. Maybe offer to do things that you are really handy with doing...repairing things around the house, moving heavy things, rearranging the furniture for her. Taking her for a nice, long country ride. It doesn't matter really. The truth, as I see it, is that it doesn't matter how one acts, as long as one acts with concern and caring. It's simple if you think about it. There's really no
astounding, heroic or outlandish thing that you need to do for your wife. Just let your heart lead and love her in the best way you can. You cannot make her cancer dx go away. You cannot unwind the clock. If you see room for improvement, however, then work on it and trust me, she'll be delighted with your efforts!

Love is a precious and wonderfully amazing thing and well worth nurturing, cherishing and protecting in my opinion. If you didn't also believe that, I doubt that you'd have come here and asked us your question and shared your thoughts. It's a beautiful thing and remember,
as you grow older (and even better) together, you can go right on nurturing and caring for one another, as you climb over the hill and into the sunset of life. That's my plan anyway and I know that I'm fortunate to love someone so much and to feel so loved in return.

I know that you'll do fine. Just trust yourself and your instincts and you'll find just the "right" way.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink

Hi dapiek. I also didn't think my husband did such a good job in the initial stages after my diagnosis. I have come to realize since then (this month will be 2 yrs since dx) that he was pretty much paralized with fear. We are talking about a man that researches and reads Consumer Reports before buying a microwave and who never once typed "breast cancer" into a search engine. He was just too scared to read what the results would be. After some time passed and he saw I was doing well he relaxed a bit and came around, becoming my greatest supporter. Please do not wait around to be told what to do. You know your wife better than anyone. Pay attention to the small stuff that seems to give her a hard time and come up with ways to help her out. For example, if you see she has limited arm movement, fold the laundry for her. You don't have to make grand gestures. Just show her that you are plugged in and truely concerned. That is all she is looking for. This could be an opportunity for the two of you to grow closer than before the dx. Don't sit back and let it pass you by. Obviously you feel the need to do something or else you wouldn't have asked us. Good luck.
Susan