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first posting

Bobby1
Posts: 1
Joined: Jan 2005

i've never posted anything anywhere, but came across this site today. my wife has been fighting cervical cancer for 2.5 years now. they just told her - despite 3 surgeries, aggressive radiation, and aggressive chemo, that it has returned. she has never once complained about her treatments or her situation. she is only 32. the first surgery removed her cervix (and ability to have children). the second her ovaries. the third her bladder, rectum, etc. etc. has not even complained about the urostomy and colostomy. all she has said is that "i just want to survive". now, 3 months after her last surgery, she has been told that the cancer has already returned in multiple places and there are no "cure" options. i am at a loss as to how all this could happen so fast, so quick, and when we are so young. so much she didn't get to experience. i desperately wish we would have had kids so that there would be something of hers i could take care of, watch grow, etc., something living that would retain all the wonderful qualities that she has. we have been so close since even before the cancer that i have really lost that "closeness" with family and friends. she is the only one i can talk to, but i can't let her know how devastated i am b/c that only upsets her more. she is more worried about me than her. we have lived and worked together for the past several years. we have a wonderful marriage and have had wonderful times, but i can't help but feel cheated even though i know we have had it so much better than so many. i am thankful for how lucky i've been, but i can't imagine going on without her. i am not looking for advice, b/c there is truly nothing anyone can say. i am not even sure why i am writing this in the first place. i just think all the time about how much i wish it was me instead of her, or how at a minimum she could have enjoyed, for even a short time, being a mother. the only thing that keeps me going is to be there for her and to make sure that the coming momths are as good as they possibly can be, despite the physical and emotional pain she is in.
sorry for the rambling, inchorent message. like i said, it is my first ime, and my head is not altogether clear right now.

Tammy271
Posts: 5
Joined: Jan 2005

Bobby

I am new to this site also. I am very sorry to hear of your wifes situation. You are right there is nothing I can say except TRY TO HANG IN THERE. I'm sure that doesn't help but maybe just knowing that there are people out here thinking and wishing you both well.

You sound like a wanderful husband and that you are doing the best you can and I'm sure your wife knows that.

I think it is normal to feel cheated. I am taking care of my Dad who has Mesothelioma (asbestos cancer). It is very aggressive and most don't live longer than 18 months after diagnosis. I also feel very cheated. I'm lucky that I have had my dad for 37 years but feel very cheated because this cancer could have been prevented. The asbestos companies new it caused cancer and continued to produce it and expose us to it.

Okay sorry now I am rambling.

Just know that you and your wife are in my thoughts. You will always have all the wanderful memories you and your wife have shared. No one can ever take that away from you. Not even cancer.

best wishes
Tammy

kisskatz
Posts: 2
Joined: Aug 2004

Words I cannot find to take you from this pain. I can only tell you when I thought I could not cry one more tear or stand one more sleepless night with my heart sinking, somehow I did make it. In all the darkness and despair, a light did appear. You can't know when you will be pulled up from all this pain and suffering, but you will. To know such a love as you have is a treasure. Some people never find it. You will gain from this pain a strength you never thought you had...I promise. Keep talking to anyone you can right now. When you're alone don't be afraid to cry and scream and express your feelings...it's alright...my heart breaks for you, but know your wife loves you and that is a gift beyond all gifts.

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