Jan 11, 2005 - 2:47 pm
Going through a tough time of it mentally and need to vent.....
As you all may remember I recently decided to stop chemo treatments. The side effects were so violent that I thought I had better listen to my body as I felt it was telling me something wasn't right. I wanted to look into more natural or homepathic forms of treating the whole body.
Short synopsis of cancer history... dx in May 04, chemo radiation treatment month of June 04, surgery removing rectum, anus, vaginal wall and female parts, rebuilt vaginal wall and permanent colsotmy. Drs felt I was 99.9% cured but for the sake of the possible .1% still in body wanted to continue with chemo regimen. I handled everything relatively well until the second round (out of four) of chemo.
It was probably one of the hardest decisions to make... coming off chemo. But it was also liberating.
I sent a mass email (which I have been doing all along with great responses) to all friends and family letting them know my decision, the whys and what fors. Mostly I have received postitive feedback with some people taking on the research and looking into the homeopathic possiblities and finding local people to consult with.
Others, parents included, have expressed dismay at my "quitting" chemo and have voiced I am making the wrong decision. These people have caused me to seriously reconsider my decision and have thus taken away my feeling of peace.
I have to explain that when I say "mass email" it is a very generic letter only hitting on the most significant points. I don't go into every little detail about what I have been through and what my life is like now. There are a few very good friends that know everything but no family members. This will give you a little insight as to the depth of involvement of my parents... they don't want to know. My dad confessed he doesn't even know how to spell colostomy and couldn't find anything on the internet when he went to search for it. This coming from the man who would have reamed me out totally if ever I gave that as an excuse for not doing my homework. I took it as a sign that he didn't want to know. He and Mom have called me maybe twice in the 8 months of treatments and now only call because I gave them hell for not caring one wit about their only daughter.
I am sick and tired of the "Monday Morning Armchair Doctors" passing judgement on me and my decisions. I know I would advise others to ignore them and go with what feels right in the heart. I would also suggest cutting those that are negative off of the "mass email" letter.
I am an eternal optimist and always hoped that the relationship between me and my parents would get better. And I even hoped that maybe that would be one positive result that came out of me having cancer. But the fact of the matter is that it is never going to happen. I can't do it on my own anymore. Not only am I trying to get through cancer I have to now mourn that they have to be out of my life. Something my husband, who is my #1 cheerleader and solid as a rock for support, is ecstatic about. He can't forgive them that not only have they not taken an interest in my welfare they never once called to find out if I survived my surgery. He is sick and tired of them hurting me at every turn.
I usually am a very strong person and can tell most people to "shove it" without batting an eye. But this last bout of dissention has really rocked my confidence. And that makes me mad.
Well. Now that I am done whining.... thanks for letting me vent. I don't feel better yet...but it will come.