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A "Why God?" Day

MJay's picture
MJay
Posts: 132
Joined: Aug 2004

Today is one of those days where I would like to have a sit down chat with God. You know, like over coffee. I would like to ask him...among other things... Why did you create cancer? Why did you make it so terrible? Why can't you just make sure bad people get it??? etc.

I am so down today. I am usually so up an positive but 8 months after diagnosis and 90% done with treatments and I am just....done. For lack of a better word "done" just seems to describe everything.

I am tired of this disease. I did the chemo/radiation... I suffered through those horrible burns. I did the surgery. I no longer have a bum and am pooping in a bag. I have a rebuilt vagina that scares me to death to ever use it again. I had the hysterectomy. I did (do) the hot flashes and hormonal fluctuations. I still have issues with that part of my body healing.

I have done 2 of 4 chemo treatments. I did (do) the mouth sores. I am losing my hair even though they said I wouldn't. I did (do) the nausea. I have diarrhea for two weeks (the colostomy is sortof convenient for that!~ there is a bright side to everything~). I do the skin rashes. I do the sore everything. I do the fatigue.

I don't want to "DO" anymore. I am done.

Not really. I will do it all. I just don't WANT to and I am tired of doing things I don't want to do anymore.

Whine whine whine. Just one of those days!!

MJay

fedester
Posts: 737
Joined: Jul 2004

hey mjay,
go ahead and whine get it out!!!!!!
i know i am at that stage where i don't want to worry about anything anymore. finances are shot, dr bills coming, on disability. i know how you feel 5 more treatments than the tests start. i feel for you. if you need to whine just come here and let it out. hopefully the holidays will be good for all of us.
all the best
fedester

nanuk's picture
nanuk
Posts: 1363
Joined: Dec 2003

they say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle; he must think you are tougher than woodpecker lips... Bud

JKendall
Posts: 186
Joined: Nov 2004

"Tougher than woodpecker lips!!!!" I've never heard that one before, and I couldn't agree more!!! ALL survivors/fighters are tougher than woodpecker lips in my book.

It's okay to ask why, MJay. My wife has some tough questions for God too. She's just beginning to experience what you have almost completed. Questions are good...the spirit is still kickin'. Whining is good too...it helps get the spirit in a position to recharge itself.

Recharge and restart. Ask God more questions. Whine a little. Recharge and restart. Repeat as necessary.

Jimmy

MJay's picture
MJay
Posts: 132
Joined: Aug 2004

It's a tough road for both of you. If I can answer any questions, ally any fears... please don't hesitate to call on me.

My husband has been a rock through this whole journey but I can see it taking it's toll on him now. I think that is harder on me than going through all this stuff. Well... not really harder... maybe "the last straw" is a better description.

MJay

spongebob's picture
spongebob
Posts: 2600
Joined: Apr 2003

MJay -

Been there.. (well nix the hystorectomy/hot flashes/other girly stuff; I don't have that tee-shirt - WHEW!)

But I've been "done" before. I think we all have.

Since you want to ask God, I thought you might appreciate this interview with God:

http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/

We all love ya and we're behind you (so just mind the flatulance or we won't get too close behind you...)

And, like the interview says, WE'RE always here, too.

- SB

MJay's picture
MJay
Posts: 132
Joined: Aug 2004

SB~ You can get behind me all you want...flatulance isn't an issue back there. :)

Mine are all up front now. Just as loud and voicferous as ever. Like my son always says, "At least we can't smell that!" Another bright side to a colostomy.

MJay

spongebob's picture
spongebob
Posts: 2600
Joined: Apr 2003

Well in that case, I'm RIGHT behind you!

Moesimo's picture
Moesimo
Posts: 1075
Joined: Aug 2003

MJAY,
I can totally relate to how you feel. I feel like I want to be done also. I was diagnosed in March of 2003. I have had chemo, radiation and 2 surgeries, 4 bowel obstructions. I only received 4 out fo 12 post op chemo treatments because my body couldn't handle them. I am so afraid my cancer will come back. I now spend my days looking for a bathroom, having a sore butt, getting ready for Christmas,and working full time. I will be having surgery on 1/14/05 for a permanent colostomy. I am so SCARED. I feellike I will be starting all over again. this will be my 8th hospitalization in 18 mos.

You can vent here anytime. My doc.put me on paxil 20 mg. a day for the night sweats from instant menopause. It helps alot.
You are almost done. YOU CAN DO IT.
Try to have a good holiday.

We know what you are going through.
Maureen

MJay's picture
MJay
Posts: 132
Joined: Aug 2004

HiMaureen~ ARe you scared of life with a permanent colostomy? OR just scared of the surgery?

I can tell you this.... if you are scared about the permanent colostomy part.... the anxiety beforehand is way worse than life afterward. It isn't fun; would I trade it for my old body? In a heartbeat so long as that body came without cancer. But it isn't so bad. Just an adjustment. And it does have it's conveniences. I am not running around looking for a bathroom. I am still learning and figuring out which of my clothes I can't wear anymore. They tell you that you won't have to alter your wardrobe...generally speaking I think they are right... but fashions are different and some just don't work well with a colostomy. Also, I don't like anything touching my abdominal scar yet.

If you are worried about the surgery... it isn't a walk in the park but if you have been through so much already you can do this.

Hang tough and look for the bright sides!

MJay

taunya's picture
taunya
Posts: 392
Joined: Jul 2002

MJay,
I want you to know that it is perfectly O.K. to be ANGRY and BOTHERED. That said, I feel so bad for you!!! Hang in there, it will get better, this is an uphill part, but it won't always be so. I think chocolate is a good thing for these days. Excersise helps too. Even small amounts of gentle exercise can be beneficial and give you a bit of energy. I am sending positive survivor thoughts to you and hoping they help.
love,
Taunya

2bhealed's picture
2bhealed
Posts: 2084
Joined: Dec 2001

Hey MJay,

You have earned the right to whine.

So dang, God always seems to get the slap when really He didn't do it. He didn't make cancer. We live in a fallen world so there is bound to be disease. But the prevelence of it can, in my book, be attributed to man, not God. Man makes the toxins that he puts in the soil to kill the bugs and kills our immune systems in the meantime. Man burns the toxins and spews the air with pollution that wreck havoc on our bodies. I think God weeps at the way we treat the world. His creation is being overoaded with our consumption and toxic mentality.

Buy organic. But hold God accountable for Cancer? Not I.

I have a different spin on nanuk's phrase.....God gives us the strength to handle what life deals us.

I am sorry you are going through your burns and hot flashes and sores and losing your hair. My heart goes out to you.

I didn't want to do it either. So I didn't.

But I definitely had my whiney days too. Cancer is cancer no matter how you treat it. It can suck.

peace on earth, emily

steved
Posts: 836
Joined: Apr 2004

I can certainly relate to the way you are feeling. I too have been through a similar journey to yours although I don't have a rebuilt vagina but am minus one seminal vesicle whihc is almost a male equivalent. Am now 4 out of 6 post op chemos down and each one gets harder to go to. the temptation to drive past the hospital and just keep going some times get almost impossible to resist.

But we do keep going despite it all and the way we feel. I rely on time letting things get better. Nine months ago when diagnosed even getting this far seemed an impossibility and yet here I am. this time next year I will hopefully be looking back on this like a bad dream and getting on with enjoying my life again.

We are all stronger and better people for going through these trials. We appreciate life like no others and I take joy in each day I have with my wife and son.

This trial will pass- just give it time and keep up the strength and your faith which is obviously important to you (being an atheist means I don't have to question 'why' so much- in my belief system it is more along the lines of '**** happens' no real need to ask why!)

Let us know how things go and feel free to whinge and vent here any time- we all need to sometimes.

Enjoy the festivities,

steve.

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