Dec 21, 2004 - 6:52 pm
Today is one of those days where I would like to have a sit down chat with God. You know, like over coffee. I would like to ask him...among other things... Why did you create cancer? Why did you make it so terrible? Why can't you just make sure bad people get it??? etc.
I am so down today. I am usually so up an positive but 8 months after diagnosis and 90% done with treatments and I am just....done. For lack of a better word "done" just seems to describe everything.
I am tired of this disease. I did the chemo/radiation... I suffered through those horrible burns. I did the surgery. I no longer have a bum and am pooping in a bag. I have a rebuilt vagina that scares me to death to ever use it again. I had the hysterectomy. I did (do) the hot flashes and hormonal fluctuations. I still have issues with that part of my body healing.
I have done 2 of 4 chemo treatments. I did (do) the mouth sores. I am losing my hair even though they said I wouldn't. I did (do) the nausea. I have diarrhea for two weeks (the colostomy is sortof convenient for that!~ there is a bright side to everything~). I do the skin rashes. I do the sore everything. I do the fatigue.
I don't want to "DO" anymore. I am done.
Not really. I will do it all. I just don't WANT to and I am tired of doing things I don't want to do anymore.
Whine whine whine. Just one of those days!!