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Just when....

MJay's picture
MJay
Posts: 132
Joined: Aug 2004

Just when I am at the end of the rope and think I cannot handle one more thing... I come to the website to vent and realize I am one of the lucky ones. I recently started chemo and am finding it hard to go back for my second round. But I feel humbled when coming to this site because at least I have a second round. I will more than likely be totally cured from this horrendous disease. My prognosis is good.

Sometimes it is hard to keep my eye on the big picture. Thank you for helping me to do so.

MJay

spongebob's picture
spongebob
Posts: 2600
Joined: Apr 2003

Good 'tude, MJay - ain't this place great?

Keep your spirit and slay that dragon!

Cheers

- SpongeBob

MJay's picture
MJay
Posts: 132
Joined: Aug 2004

Sorry SB-- that was written earlier this evening. Now it is 2am. Can't sleep and am madder than heck. I'm angry I had this surgery, I am angry I started chemo and I am angry I have to go back for more. I feel like crap. Lately I feel like someone sucked the life force out of me. The healing from my surgery has halted due to chemo. My instincts are screaming at me "No more". I don't want to do anymore. I don't want it. I want to feel better. I want to heal. I want to get used to my life with a colostomy. I want this all to go away. I am so nauseated almost all the time and the pills aren't helping.

I was doing well for awhile... now I am angry. I am angry that no one calls back when they say they are going to call back. I am angry about being passed from one dr to another. I am angry at getting misinformation and no information from the nurses.

I'm just angry. And feeling the way I do I can't believe I have the strength to be angry.

Yes this place is great but I am not doing well at the moment.

MJay

spongebob's picture
spongebob
Posts: 2600
Joined: Apr 2003

MJay -

Looks like we're both members of the 2 AM Can't Sleep Club...

It's OK to angry. Be angry at the cancer. Be pissed at the rude people who aren't treating YOU (I believe doctors actually treat two things; (1) the cancer and (2) the patient) Have you articulated your anger to your onc group? Have you considered changing doctors?

You know, I believe we all know our bodies the best. If your body is screaming for a break to heal, why not take a 3 or 4 week break, let you body heal, get adjusted to your ostomy and "feel good" over the holidays, get your mind in the game, and then go after this thing atthe first of the year? Will 3 or 4 weeks make that sigificant a difference? Everything I have read tells me it won't. Regarding the anti-nausea meds; have you considered trying a different pill? If, in the end you can't find one that seems to work, just keep reminding yourself that you feel sick because the chemo is working.

Remember this MJay, the person in charge of your treatment is YOU. Doctors are your CONSULTANTS, not your drill instructors. I recommend you schedule an appt to sit down with your onc(s) and talk about this. It's important that they hear what's on the BOSS's mind (since they ARE working FOR you!) Channel that anger and frustration into something positive for yourself - don't just let it eat at you.

Know that your semicolon family is here for you 24x7 (even at 2 AM - yawn...) if you need to vent (and Lord knows we're ALWAYS here to voice an opinion or two... or three...).

Try to get some sleep. I'm going to try to go back to bed, too. I'll be saying a prayer for you before I do.

Be well, MJay.

- SpongeBob

aspaysia's picture
aspaysia
Posts: 257
Joined: Nov 2003

Commodore, it seems you have overlooked a couple of messages of mine re your responses to tdk3g and andreae 11/30/04. Or perhaps you are simply ignoring this fellow 2 am can't sleep so I sit on the can reading TV Guide and thinking up ways to wind your clock (or would that be a barometer)
Aspaysia, awake even when her eyes are closed.

Moesimo's picture
Moesimo
Posts: 1075
Joined: Aug 2003

You have every reason to be angry. This is a terrible illness, and I know I sometimes feel like it is never going to end. I was so sick during my post op chemo that I only received 4 out of 12 treatments. If my cancer ever comes back I will think its because I did not get all my treatments.
It has been about 18 mos. since my tumor was removed. I have many problems with mult. BM's and urgency. Last night I was in the tub for my ususal 1 hour soak to help my sore bottom and I had to get out at least 10 times to go the BR.
I will be having permanent colostomy surgery in Jan. I am very angry that my spincter saving surgery did not work. This will be my 3rd surgery and 8TH hospital admission in 18 mos. I am not looking forward to it.
I also realize that there are many on this board who are lots worse off than I am. I will continue to pray for all of you.
MJ, try to keep your chin up it will get better.
Maureen

MJay's picture
MJay
Posts: 132
Joined: Aug 2004

I do have to say, Maureen, that being tied to the bathroom is a hell of a life. I am grateful for my colostomy for that. I never had trouble with the bathroom other than when I went through radiation/chemo. And now that I have a colostomy it can be very convenient... like when I had the typical diarrhea after chemo. My hubby and I were watching TV when one particularly loud bout of diarrhea descended upon us. He just looked at me with baleful eyes and said, "Oh my goodness." I said, "Yeah well. Just so you know, I ain't emptying that until commercial."

There are postive sides. I think the alternative to being tied to the bathroom is much worse.

Thank you for your kind words. I am feeling better today but still angry. I don't know the right thing to do. I will just have to do more soul searching.
MJ

aspaysia's picture
aspaysia
Posts: 257
Joined: Nov 2003

I remember trying to take a shower encumbered by drainage tubes and a foley catheter and crying, "I can't d-d-dooo this!" I got over it and tied the tubes to my waist with an old sash from a Japanese robe stolen from a hotel in Osaka. Very clever people, the Japanese. They solved my problem.
After seven hospital admissions in the space of twelve months I was ready to pack it in. One of the nurses told me to just have my mail forwarded to the ward.
You are right about your life force being sucked out of you along with the cancer cells. Your chi is very weak now but it will get stronger as your body heals. Emily can explain all this stuff to you.
You can learn to live with an ostomy. It has it's benefits as you have already discovered. Sounds like you are even having a little fun. We are the blondes of the cancer community. Toot. Toot.
Aspaysia, who is too mean to die.

steved
Posts: 836
Joined: Apr 2004

Bloody well agree with the your summary of this illness - it is CRAP! and teh treatment ain't much better. I am in a similar situation now four cycles down and two to go of chemo. Start to feel better towards the end of the gap between cycles and just know I will feel crap after I return for more. Running away from it has never been more inticing!
But yes we are the lucky ones. We may be rid of this damn thing one day and we must be grateful for that. i use the anger when I can to motivate me to fight or channel it into somehting like work or sport so it can be useful. Venting on here also always helps- esp at 2am!
Keep up the good fight and do try and get some sleep!
Steve

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