Sep 22, 2004 - 8:34 am
I need support getting through this week. My divorce has been "on hold" since I was dx with Stage IV in July 2002. Hoped that three 6 month rounds of chemo and two major surgeries were behind me in April, but cancer was still here in May. Hoping I would be NED for while I agreed that it was time to get the divorce over with, but things have changed since we came up with the terms prior to my dx. I have not been able to work, I have had many expenses that I would not have had otherwise--copays and all the hundreds of little things like better, healthier foods, nutritional supplements, IMMODIUM AD! I've been under emotional and financial pressure to sell our family home too. I want this thing over with and to be able to move on with my life as my husband already has. It hurts me that he is not very sympathetic. As soon as you hear you have cancer, everyone tells you to get rid of all the stress and negativity in your life, and I have worked very hard at that. Today it feels as if it's all crashing down on me.
Unfortunately, I have had to be back on treatment since June, and my doctor just added Xeloda to my regimin yesterday. My tumor is sitting on top of my lung and is too large to remove without much risk, and there are other questionable spots on my CT scans.
I feel discouraged and unprepared to go to the hearing on Friday. My old programming has me blaming myself for not being ready. I crave the support of a loving family, but there's no one in the area except for my children, but this is one case where it's not appropriate to lean on them, and I don't know if I'll be able to find someone to come to court with me.
Everyone is amazed at how strong and how positive I am, and I am when I'm out--I feel as if it's my duty to show people that it's possible to keep living with this disease, but this morning I'm wondering how I'm going to do this. My doctor has advised me not to try to deal with it, that the disease has complicated my life enough, but I can't stand having the divorce unsettled.
Just needed to express my feelings. Thanks for listening.