When does it end?

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adlin
adlin Member Posts: 1
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I have completed surgery, chemo, radiation since Nov 2003. i have been taking tamoxiphen since December 2003. I am a nut case. Crazy, emotional, ticked off, no control, think I am loosing it most of the time.
Also, I am convinced that I am loaded with cancer. When will it end/ I always feel like a victim

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  • Idalia
    Idalia Member Posts: 76
    #2
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    Dear Adlin, it ends when you take your life back! You are nearly a year post treatment and you have given this disease enough of your time, energy and attention. It sounds like you are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. If you think it will help, talk to your doctor, see a therapist or join a support group. Tamoxifen does mess with your hormones so you could just be stressing from menopause. Are you taking care of yourself - eating well, getting enough sleep, relaxing? Are you doing what you want with your life? Facing death can lead you to re-evaluate your life. Are you happy with your job? Do you have people you can confide in? What pressures are you putting yourself under? You aren't going crazy; you just have things you need to deal with now. Consider this a part of your recovery. Good luck!
  • Ellison
    Ellison Member Posts: 68
    #3
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    Hi Adlin, I am a year out from chemo and radiation. I have been waiting for results of some xrays. My dr has kept me hanging for over a week now. I called her office to let them know my patience is running thin. They took xrays of the brain, pelvic and left side and spine. Needless to say I did not have a very good weekend last week but today I am better. The only thing I can say is not to dwell on it to long.

    If you are getting your check ups and nothing is showing, live life one day at a time. When I get down like I did last week I planned my funeral in my mind and then I knew I needed to pray and make a greatful list. Once I did that, it calmed me down. It also helps to have survivors like yourself to talk to. Just knowing you are there for me and I can be there for you makes a difference.

    I am not sure what the answer is but I know I have days like this and it comes and goes. It is probably the nature of this thing. Always lurking around the corner... I know when I get down and go over the line in my mind, I just say no, not today. Or I just have to be mad or cry for awhile to releieve tension. Something else I do that might sound corny, I talk to my body parts and say its ok, I am here for you. Lets take a nice bubble bath or walk on the beach or read a book, or get on line and chat. That will do it also. I am glad your here today...
    Damn this cancer business anyway...

    I am also taking tomaxifin. Do you think it is making you feel this way? I have gained a lot of weight.

    Take care
    Ellison
  • michelle1125
    michelle1125 Member Posts: 13
    #4
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    I totally understand. I'm crying right now and can't stop. I think I really am crazy. I've completed chemo and radiation as of July of this year. I haven't been back to see the plastic surgeon. He accussed me of doing something wrong in caring for my reconstructed breast. I haven't been back to the breast oncologist doctor either. He sympathizes, but what can he really do? He's given me a referral to see a psychiatrist. I've tried to make an appointment with the psychiatrist to no avail (no appointments available). I cry every time I go and then get stares on the way home ( I take public transportation). I actually understand why people kill themselves. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I hope you have better luck than me.
  • SusanAnne
    SusanAnne Member Posts: 245
    #5
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    michelle1125 said:

    I totally understand. I'm crying right now and can't stop. I think I really am crazy. I've completed chemo and radiation as of July of this year. I haven't been back to see the plastic surgeon. He accussed me of doing something wrong in caring for my reconstructed breast. I haven't been back to the breast oncologist doctor either. He sympathizes, but what can he really do? He's given me a referral to see a psychiatrist. I've tried to make an appointment with the psychiatrist to no avail (no appointments available). I cry every time I go and then get stares on the way home ( I take public transportation). I actually understand why people kill themselves. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I hope you have better luck than me.

    Michelle, you're scaring me. You need to get another referral to a psychiatrist and perhaps get a new plastic surgeon. Please comply with your follow-up visits to the oncologist, surgeon, radiation oncologist and your GYN. Once you feel like you have a competent medical team caring for you maybe you can relax a bit and concentrate on rebuilding your life. Besides finding a good psychiatrist, confide in a good friend, family member or clergyman and let them help you. You deserve it. Don't put it off, do it today.
    Susan
  • inkblot
    inkblot Member Posts: 698 Member
    #6
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    Hi adlin:

    I echo the other's here that the end begins when you stop considering yourself a victim and begin to live again. Takes some effort but you CAN do it.

    Ellison and Idalia have given you some great advice and food for thought so I urge you to please read their messages carefully and try to begin to extricate yourself from the paralyzing fears and sense of helplessness you've given in to. If it seems too much to sort out, then resort to the old list making routine. Works every time! Please feel free to email me here if I can be of help or if you just need to rant.

    Finally, it could be that the tamox. is just not getting along well with your system? Discuss your symptoms in detail with your doctor for advice on that possibility.

    Hang in and begin to take some positive steps for yourself...there's no need to suffer so.
    PS I tried to post this message several days ago but it didn't show up. I clicked on your original message and there was my reply, still in the box! Go figure. Anyway, sorry it didn't post earlier.

    Love, light and laughter,
    Ink
  • inkblot
    inkblot Member Posts: 698 Member
    #7
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    michelle1125 said:

    I totally understand. I'm crying right now and can't stop. I think I really am crazy. I've completed chemo and radiation as of July of this year. I haven't been back to see the plastic surgeon. He accussed me of doing something wrong in caring for my reconstructed breast. I haven't been back to the breast oncologist doctor either. He sympathizes, but what can he really do? He's given me a referral to see a psychiatrist. I've tried to make an appointment with the psychiatrist to no avail (no appointments available). I cry every time I go and then get stares on the way home ( I take public transportation). I actually understand why people kill themselves. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I hope you have better luck than me.

    michellell25:

    Perhaps you just need some help getting your feet more solidly under you? A good psychologist or LCSW should be able to deem a lot from an initial assessment. If psychiatric help is indicated, either of these professionals will certainly refer you and it's likely that you can get an appoint. with a psychologist in your area fairly soon. Just take one step at a time and try not to "rebuild Rome in a day". Don't put so much pressure on yourself.

    I noticed that you wished adlin "better luck than you've had" and that reflects caring and concern for her situation...but remember this: not much
    in life is about luck. In matters which we are empowered to really influence, in our lives,
    we typically must take some kind of action or neglect to take action, to get a result we had anything to do with. If, on the other hand, we're willing to take positive action, then we've no reaosn not to expect "positive results" or "good luck" to follow, right?

    I know you're hurting, so please be kind to yourself. Get an appoint. with a professional right away and start chipping the negative feelings and issues down to size. You deserve it, you're worth it and cancer has taken way too much from you already.

    Please keep us posted.

    Love, light and laughter,
    Ink
  • fim1215
    fim1215 Member Posts: 1
    #8
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    Idalia said:

    Dear Adlin, it ends when you take your life back! You are nearly a year post treatment and you have given this disease enough of your time, energy and attention. It sounds like you are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. If you think it will help, talk to your doctor, see a therapist or join a support group. Tamoxifen does mess with your hormones so you could just be stressing from menopause. Are you taking care of yourself - eating well, getting enough sleep, relaxing? Are you doing what you want with your life? Facing death can lead you to re-evaluate your life. Are you happy with your job? Do you have people you can confide in? What pressures are you putting yourself under? You aren't going crazy; you just have things you need to deal with now. Consider this a part of your recovery. Good luck!

    I have to say that I can relate to both e-mails, one from adlin asking, "when does it end?" and the other from Idalia stating, "take your life back!" I try like hell every day to take my life back. I get up and go to the gym 4 to 6 times a week; been to a nutritionist at MD Anderson (where I got all my treatments...surgery, chemo and radiation) eat a healthy diet, quit teaching and got a lower paying but much lower stress job. Here's my dilema and I want to know if anyone else out there is going through this. My doctor switched my from tamoxifen to eximestane in June of this year. It's "suppose" to be a drug with less side affects. I am fatigued most every day, My bones are aching (I was told this would be a side affect), I have variations in my appetite from starving to not wanting a thing to eat, I feel like I'm in a "fog" more than I care to be.....Is anyone out there taking this new drug and what are your side affects? I was estrogen positive so need to take a hormone suppressent to keep the cancer at bay and prolong my survivorship. I'm 48 years old and I think my 73 year old mother has more stamina than I do. Help! Anyone else out there going through this?
  • jrowe
    jrowe Member Posts: 13
    #9
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    fim1215 said:

    I have to say that I can relate to both e-mails, one from adlin asking, "when does it end?" and the other from Idalia stating, "take your life back!" I try like hell every day to take my life back. I get up and go to the gym 4 to 6 times a week; been to a nutritionist at MD Anderson (where I got all my treatments...surgery, chemo and radiation) eat a healthy diet, quit teaching and got a lower paying but much lower stress job. Here's my dilema and I want to know if anyone else out there is going through this. My doctor switched my from tamoxifen to eximestane in June of this year. It's "suppose" to be a drug with less side affects. I am fatigued most every day, My bones are aching (I was told this would be a side affect), I have variations in my appetite from starving to not wanting a thing to eat, I feel like I'm in a "fog" more than I care to be.....Is anyone out there taking this new drug and what are your side affects? I was estrogen positive so need to take a hormone suppressent to keep the cancer at bay and prolong my survivorship. I'm 48 years old and I think my 73 year old mother has more stamina than I do. Help! Anyone else out there going through this?

    I am having the same problems you are having...with the fatigue, fog and joint aches. I am on Tamoxifen. I am trying to regain my health after a mastectomy, chemo and radiation. It is hard to do. I agree...I think my 83 year old mother has more stamina than I do. I find my rule is...if I have to "push" myself to do something because of fatigue, I don't do it. It only makes it worse in the end. I go in waves of feeling pretty good and then I feel worse again for a while. This diagnosis sure changes your life. I can relate to those who say they look at pictures from before breast cancer and want that life back. I want my nice hair back and this weight off. And I would like the emotional roller coaster to stop. It helps coming to this site and finding out that others are feeling the same way.
  • crickless
    crickless Member Posts: 14
    #10
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    As I read your message, I saw myself (and many of the same thoughts) about 1-1/2 years ago. I got help eventually, with Zoloft and have been on it ever since. It works well for me and I have not noticed any side-effects from it. I went through all the standard treatments and then started on Tamoxifin. I had some unbearable physical side-effects, and mood swings besides. My doctor switched me to Arimidex, which didn't work because "every inch of my body hurt except for my hair". That's the way I described it to my doctor. After about 10 months combined (for the 2 drugs), my oncologist decided that since my risk of recurrence was so low that I should stop taking arimidex for 30 days and let him know the result. Within 1 week, all the pain was gone! So he told me to forget the arimidex. After a couple of months, I started crying for days at a time. I had awful thoughts pop into my head, and thankfully I recognized them as signs of depression and went to my GP. He prescribed Zoloft because he knew my history of having rare or unreported (by others) side-effects AND the fact that I had gained lots of weight.
    I'm not saying that Zoloft will solve YOUR problems, but only that it works for me. I agree with the other replies, that you should get some help. Don't give up. Keep looking for the thing(s) that will help you. My doctor agreed with me when I suggested that all the drugs I had taken--including the initial chemo treatment--had likely screwed up my hormones and that's what caused my depression. I have control of my life back, and wanted you to know that it's possible for you too! Perhaps you have already found help, and if not I hope that you will find the strength to take the first step now. Please let us know how you're doing. Love & prayers, --Caroline

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