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I lost my biggest fan

bettysgirl04
Posts: 2
Joined: Aug 2004

I lost my mom, my best friend on May 14th of this year. I feel lost even though I know there are great people around me. The pain is intesifying as I move further away from the day she passed. I'm 26 and I feel like I had so much more to share with her. She was in perfect health until this past January, she had even had a full physical a few weeks prior (she was religious about her check ups). Then the third week in January she went to the emergency in a great deal of pain. They gave her 0 - 9 months with stage 4 lung cancer. How can it happen so fast?? I was with her everyday including the day she died and I wouldn't change a moment, but it hurts so much and I can't help but want my mommy.
I just got a job that I had been trying for for over a year and the pain of not sharing it with her is unbearable - she was my biggest fan. I'm told I'm doing well, but most of the time I wonder how I'm fooling everyone. I still go to call her and there is a message from her still on my machine. To think of the things I won't get to share with her makes me realize that even the happiest times won't be as pure as they once were.
I really do believe that somehow she is still here, but even that can't touch the sadness of not having her here on tough days like today.
Heather

TheBear's picture
TheBear
Posts: 12
Joined: Jun 2004

Dear Heather,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing someone so dear is very traumatic and I know you must feel like there's a great void in your heart that only your mother's love can fill. I know that words will never be sufficient to describe your grief and heartache and how much you miss her. But know that in your pain and sorrow that you are not alone. Your mother will always be with you in your heart and soul. Don't repress any feelings, and cry when you need to cry.

Sammuel Beckett once wrote: "The tears of the world are of a constant quantity, whenever someone cries, somewhere someone stops...the same it is for the laugh..."

I know it's not fair, Heather. Someone once told me that when God created the world he had two choices: To make it round, or to make it fair...

Grieving is different for everybody and how they express themselves. There's no time table involved on how long or short it will last. What's important is that you were with her and stood at her side. I'm sure that having her wonderful daughter close by was a great comfort for her. As you move forward with your life, your mother will be with you in your heart. In time your sorrow will become remembrance, and eventually memories of your mother will bring you warmth. Take care of yourself.

Peace to you,

Alex

JulieC
Posts: 37
Joined: Feb 2004

Heather, I'm so sorry for you painfull loss! you are doing the best thing you can do right now & that is reaching out & talking about your mom & your pain. I lost my sister to brain cancer 5 years ago. I surprise myself when out of no where I begin to cry & the pain is as raw as it was the day she died! I hear a song or someone says something that reminds me of her...so even after 5 years it can still hurt. it does get easier but never goes away. just keep talking & reaching out. there are really wonderful people here. lots of love, Julie

bettysgirl04
Posts: 2
Joined: Aug 2004

Dear Alex and Julie,
I just wanted to say thank-you for your kind responses. I just happened upon this site and I'm happy I did. Knowing that there are people out there that understand, I mean really understand, helps tremendously. Everyday has a new pain that I wasn't expecting, but your words made some of those a bit easier. Thank-you. Heather

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