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how do I accept this fact?

sadaf
Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2004

My husband is recently been diagnosed with a cancer which the doctors say is low grade soft tissue tumour.He is 30 years old.We were married last year .I dont know how it happened and why this happened.knowing about cancer is something I am not able to cope with.I look at him and I cannot hold back my emotions.He is everything I have got and I love him.The only question I have in my heart is why him?It could be me..then why him?He is so young,so energetic.This morning I was crying and he took me on a walk and told me that we have to fight back.I know all this but why him?I try to be strong but I am not.Sometimes it feels as if all my world has been upside down.I am scared to lose him..I wont be able to make it without him.Is there a God listening to and watching all this?I am a religious person but I am scared.How can this happen to us?its just been a year we are married and we are so happy..then why is God doing this to us?I simply dont know what to do.I am scared.

TheBear's picture
TheBear
Posts: 12
Joined: Jun 2004

Dear sadaf,

Believe me, I know what you're going through. My wife just completed 16 chemo treatments and is under her third week of recovery. I remember when she was diagnosed with cancer over 8 months ago. We were numb as our doctor broke the news to us. As the days passed we were in denial about the whole thing. How can this be? Cancer doesn't run in her familiy. We don't have any children and she is the world to me, and now we're facing the harsh reality that she may die. I asked every question within my own heart..."Why is this happening to us? Why is she the one with cancer? What's going to happen to us now?"

I felt helpless as time passed and her prognosis was stage 4. I cried everyday, I felt like I was standing in the center of a whirlwind...everything around me was spinning as more questions arose about our uncertain future..."Will this be our last Thanksgiving? Our last Christmas? Our last Anniversary, birthdays that we will share?" My heart ached and not a day would pass when I wept so hard I almost couldn't breathe. I questioned God, I questioned the results the pathologists gave us about the tissue block thay took out of my wife being malignant.

Your husband sounds like he has the will to win and beat this cancer. I know you're scared. You have every right to be. I know the walls seem to be closing in on you and you feel helpless...what happens next is that you and hubby keep the lines of communication open to each other ALL the time. Talk about it when you feel like talking. Sometimes he may just need you to listen. The important thing is that you two have each other--you're a team and you will beat this thing together. The fear and confusion is overwhelming. It's like a flashflood and you may feel like you're drowning...but you're not. Over the next few months you two will be going on an emotional rollercoaster ride. But always keep in mind that you are not alone. Your faith and love for one another will carry you through all this. Don't lose hope---ever.

You are now about to assume the role of Caregiver. The most important thing is to be there for him. Reassure him that you will beat the cancer together, and talk out your feelings. And always keep in mind that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Take it one day at a time, one moment at a time. You will get through this.

Alex

karieallen
Posts: 23
Joined: May 2002

this indeed is a difficult time. and your love and faith will carry you through this.

and in the time being, I would recommend not dwelling on the "why" or "how did this happen?" question.. in my experience you'll possible never get satisfactory answer, and you'll expend valuable energy on it...put the questions aside if you must..and look at it later when you are not in the throes of coping, and dealing with the news..
have all your feelings: fear, anger, sad, and you and your husband will get through this. believe it, live it

mlockrem
Posts: 8
Joined: Feb 2003

At 33 I was dx with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma and had to face the same challenge with my husband that you are facing now. The first few weeks are a huge roller coaster of emotion, the "why's" will be answered at some point but it's never what you excpect. For me having cancer was a positive experience, it changed my life in a way that never would have been possible without having had cancer. If there is a way for you to embrace this experience you will be able to see past the fear and realize that this is something that your hubbie needed to have for his own journey in this life. Good luck to you both remember "He has cancer it does not have him!

bsrules
Posts: 296
Joined: Mar 2004

Hello There!!! My name is Sue and my hubby was diag. Sept. 2003. I too went through the same thing as many other on this site have gone through!! Alex hit everything right on the head!!! Team work is most important!!! As a caregiver I too have to hold back slot sometimes just to listen as my hubby talks of what he wants to do has to be done. It is VERY hard but with the Lords help you will get through this one day at a time!!! That is the best way!! If I looked at the big picture I was so overwhelmed that I wasn't doing any good to anyone!!! You are now a caregiver and as such you need to more then ever take care of yourself as if you don't you will not be able to help your hubby as you would like to!!! I am finding this out as I am finding myself running out of gas and not able to do anything that he needs. So I just tell myself to take the day off and spend the time with my hubby!! We talk alot about how we are feeling and what is on our minds!! Knowledge is power and knowing as much as you can about you and your husbands feelings along with everything you can get your hands on about your husband's cancer. Ask the Doctor lots of questions!!! Write everything down or even better yet I took a tape recorder so I could listen to it later after the dust settled. Best of luck!!! Fight this demand with everything you have and you both will make it!!!! You both are in my prayers!!! Keep us posted on how you are doing!!!! Sue

layne34
Posts: 17
Joined: May 2004

I agree with everything everyone has said. My husband of 2 1/2 years was dxed in May, just 2 months after I had to leave my job due to headaches and migraines. Although I am not a religous person I have found a better connection to my spirituality. I recognize that what is happening is part of something larger than I can see or understand at this point in time. I actually see pieces fitting together, things falling into place. I don't know what it will look like on the othr side and I don't like it one bit at all, but I am working on the accepting that it is for a reason.

A book has helped me. Prescriptions for Living by Bernie Siegel, MD. Actually all of his books are good for us at this time. He is a doctor who has witnessed the miracles we are all working toward. Plus he is a real person, not a doctor with a God complex. Another wife/caregiver has recommended, Heavan Can Wait. I haven't gotten it yet, but it too chronicles the miracles that can be found in this monster called cancer.

One more big lesson I have learned in these few months, ask for and accept help. I was a very independent woman, I could do it all and was suppossed to do it all. Well, the fact is I can't and truthfully don't want to right now. Peopel, family & friends, are aching to do something, to help in some way. Some times it feels like a challenge finding ways to let them help, but it is important. We may be the primary care givers, but others want to give care, too. Let them! Ask them!

If you (or anyone reading this in a similar situation)would like to email me I'm at:
layne34@msn.com
We are about a decade older, but we are in a similar situation. We all need support and who better that others in similar situations.

Peace, love, happiness and health,
Layne

rierie
Posts: 1
Joined: Nov 2003

Thank you SO much for encouraging people to ask for help from family and friends! You are so right about us aching to help! My DAd has bladder cancer and is doing very well. He lets us help, but I have other family members as well who have and are still dealing with cancer and I would do ANYTHING they need to help, and I am not the only one. WE all feel SO helpless when there is a dx of cancer, and anything we can do to alleviate some of the stress and strain (grocery shopping, babysitting, etc.) from the cancer patients immediate family, will be gladly done by those of us in the "outer circle" of family and friends. PLEASE, PLEASE ask us. You may think we should just do things without asking, but we honestly don't know what you want us to do, what you need us to do. If we can alleviate the "trivial" tasks in your life and allow you to concentrate on fighting, we will gladly do so. God Bless. Marie

ceezhar's picture
ceezhar
Posts: 12
Joined: Jan 2004

If it is any consolation there are others that have been where you are. Go to the Personal Web Pages (listed on left side of home page)--key in: jacobgo.

Read his story about finding his wifes cancer on their honeymoon. They've been to hell and back...even to England for surgery done on only 3 other people. She is great and they are so happy now!
Good luck & prayers for you and hubby!
~~ceezhar
Ceezhar's Corner (Web page here on ACSCSN)

Denie
Posts: 6
Joined: Sep 2004

First I want to say that I am sorry for what has happen to you family. Now I will tell you about me. I am a mother of two, marry for 24 years. I had breast cancer in Sept. of 2001. I found out on my daughter's birthday. I was planning her birthday party andthe doctor called me on the phone and told me the results. My whole world stopped. I could not tell you how heavy my heart dropped. I have a lot of faith in God. I know you are asking why, but there are know answers to that question. It just happens that way. There nothing that you or your husband has done. And it is not fair. You are so scared that you cannot see the furture without your husband. But please do not think about that now. Now you and your husband must fight this thing together. Because this is a fight for life. I hope this have helped you a little. You are stonger than you know. He needs you to help him to get through this. Don't think about him being gone. Think about him living now. May God be with you and your husband. And remember TO ALWAYS FIGHT!!!!!!

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