No Right to Grieve

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blessings1020
blessings1020 Member Posts: 54
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
My heart is breaking this morning and I can find no solace. There are those in my family (husband and mother-in-law) that feel I do not have the right to grieve for my father.

My "dear" 86 yo mother-in-law stated that because I had not seen nor corresponded with my father in so long that "it should not matter then". What kind of statement is that?

My husband came out this morning and informed me that he had been thinking about this "thing" and informed me that my sister and I had no right to any of our father's things because we were "horrible" to him, etc.

I feel like I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

I already feel so guilty and I can't even catch my breath and I don't know where the tears are still coming from I have cried so much.

Am I this horrible person that doesn't even deserve to grieve my own father? I am starting to think that I am and I deserve everything that is happening...even the b/c.

I am so lost and I feel so alone.

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  • Maureen3
    Maureen3 Member Posts: 11
    #2
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    Blessings, When we are emotionally stressed, it is really easy for others to 'pile on' and it is really easy for us to even do it to ourselves. Please remember that this will pass and the heartache you are feeling will become bearable- it is just going to take some time. I am sad that in the midst of their own grief your relatives would lash out at you. Try to remember that it is their grief that prompts them to act the way they do and if you can, turn your pain into empathy for them becausee they need it. Somtime down the road I hope you will be able to make peace with your father and your family, but in the meantime allow yourself to grieve- no one can take that away from you. My Dad (who died 14 years ago) told me once that we are never given more than we can handle. I know you feel like you are at the end of your rope, but trust me you will emerge from this a stronger, better person. You can't do anything about the mom-in-law or the other extended family you have, but I'd encourage you to talk with your husband. Do you really care about your fathers things? Probably not I would guess- is it the fact that your husband didn't understand your feelings? Talk to him and ask for reassurance that in spite of your different views on your family that he loves and supports you during this difficult time. Hang in there. Maureen
  • nancyeob
    nancyeob Member Posts: 19
    #3
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    Blessings, you are remarkable to even be able to write of your troubles. Maureen's father is so right, God never gives you more than you can handle. Looking back you will see this is true.
    Also a persons true nature and fear that they don't even realize they have, come to the surface when tragedy happens. It seems to me that your husband and his family are terrified of not only a life threatening disease, your breast cancer, but also of death,your Dad's. Many of us find the only way to cope is to turn to denial unless of course it happens to them, then watch out!
    If you are entitled to anything it is to grieve. Grieve as long and as hard as you want/need to. No one is allowed to tell us how to feel, no one! In my opinion, your husband seems to be following his family's absurd way of thinking. You may have to either have a heart to heart with him or suggest he get a backbone and side with you during this difficult time.
    We're here for you.
    Nancy
  • tlmac
    tlmac Member Posts: 272 Member
    #4
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    nancyeob said:

    Blessings, you are remarkable to even be able to write of your troubles. Maureen's father is so right, God never gives you more than you can handle. Looking back you will see this is true.
    Also a persons true nature and fear that they don't even realize they have, come to the surface when tragedy happens. It seems to me that your husband and his family are terrified of not only a life threatening disease, your breast cancer, but also of death,your Dad's. Many of us find the only way to cope is to turn to denial unless of course it happens to them, then watch out!
    If you are entitled to anything it is to grieve. Grieve as long and as hard as you want/need to. No one is allowed to tell us how to feel, no one! In my opinion, your husband seems to be following his family's absurd way of thinking. You may have to either have a heart to heart with him or suggest he get a backbone and side with you during this difficult time.
    We're here for you.
    Nancy

    blessings, Death has a way of reordering our priorities and making us wish we'd done things differently. Everyone has a right to grieve, despite what your well meaning family may say. You will deal with this emotional blow the way you have dealt with cancer, one day at a time. Forgive your family for their lack of understanding, pray for strength and peace of mind and remember we're all here if you need us.
  • suematt
    suematt Member Posts: 14
    #5
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    Blessings, I just feel so bad for you. My parents divorced when I was an infant and my dad died before I ever got to know him. What hurts most is knowing I will never have a chance to have a relationship with him. I wonder if that is some of what you are experienceing now, grieving that missed opportunity.

    I think we are born with a part of us that just instinctively loves our parents whether they deserve it or not. It doesn't have to make sense to anybody else. Just remember that nobody can dictate how you feel. I'm just sorry that those closest to you obviously don't understand. My prayers are with you, Sue
  • live42day
    live42day Member Posts: 64
    #6
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    Blessings,
    Shame on your family! You are going through enough without all the advice your family is throwing your way. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time frame. Sometimes it is harder when you have not had a close relationship with a parent when they die. You probably don't have many pleasant memories to help ease the pain. It sounds like your husband and mother-in-law haven't had much experience with grief.
    Janet
  • pattyrg
    pattyrg Member Posts: 16
    #7
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    Giving them the benefit of the doubt, I suggest that they do not understand what you are grieving about. While I am perfectly willing to say that my father was a drunken SOB, I don't want other people (especially those who didn't know him) making comments about him, even tho he has been dead more than 15 years.

    Did I love him? No. Fear and love don't mix. Did I regret his dying? Yes. And this is the important part -- the opportunity for him to be a good father was lost forever. I had to give up hope. That made me angry. Not guilty that I did not have a close relationship with him. Angry.

    Blessings, I strongly urge you to talk with a qualified counselor - maybe even just once -- to put this loss in its proper place. Talking with somone who will tell you that it's okay to be angry that he wasn't Mr. Cleaver will bring you great relief and release.

    Talk with your husband about the kind of responses you are getting from this group; it may help him understand what is going on inside you. Talk about a string of losses -- cancer taking over a great part of your life, losing the father you never had but always wanted.

    Don't push your husband away over this lack of understanding. Give him the tools he needs to help you recover.

    In His Love, prg
  • lynne40
    lynne40 Member Posts: 87
    #8
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    Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They are the way you feel. My father in law was not a good person or a likable man, yet when he died 3 years ago my husband still grieved. I agree with what was said here by others, you grieve for the loss of the good relationship you now will nevver have. It is more normal to react the way you are then to deny your feelings. Talk to your husband about what you need from him. Just because he can't understand does not make YOU wrong!!! And who appointed the mother-in-law to be in charge of your emotions???It's not her business how you handle your loss. You can't changer her thinking don't waste energy trying, but if you feel your husband loves you and is supportive in other ways try to let him know how he can help and even if he doesn't understand your feelings you need his support of those feelings. I wish for you peace at this time and I will pray for understandin g from those around you. Counseling might help because you need someone to validate your grief. You deserve it! Hugs,
    Lynne

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