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how do you function right after losing a spouse?

sandshoke
Posts: 2
Joined: Mar 2004

My husband Scott of almost 3 years was my soul mate he died on March 9 2004. We did everything together. Even though we weren't married long.
He was only diagnosed with cancer on October 12, 2003 and had surgury earlier this year. He had something rare. Neorendocrine tumors in a 34 year old man they were in his liver and pancrease he had a tumor the size of a football removed. He came home after the surgery and was doing pretty good. But then had some complications about a month and a half later and was hospitalized for 19 days, he wasn't supposed to be gone this soon. He never gave up once or stopped fighting. On the outside I am ok but on the inside I am all torn up. It was so hard to see him suffer and go through all of the pain. Even though I was there with him the entire time I still couldn't take away his pain. Now I just don't know what to do with myself, yet I know that I have to still funtion for our 6 children. Does this pain ever get easier, they say everything happens for a reason. Boy I sure would like to know what that may be because I sure cannot see why such a wonderful man was taken away from his family. Today is a really hard day it would have been out 3rd ann. Hopefully with time this will get easier.

dwlghp
Posts: 3
Joined: Mar 2004

Hello sandshoke. I am very sorry to hear about Scott.
You ask how you are supposed to function...you can and you will because you have six beautiful children and Scott needs you to finish what the two of you started. You can do it!!
My beautiful husband of twenty years died in 2002 from GBM stage IV--brain cancer at the age of 44. I promised him I would take care of myself and the kids and I will honor that promise.
Please stay strong and go hug your kids. They need you. Take care--dwlghp

dwlghp
Posts: 3
Joined: Mar 2004

Hello sandshoke. I am very sorry to hear about Scott.
You ask how you are supposed to function...you can and you will because you have six beautiful children and Scott needs you to finish what the two of you started. You can do it!!
My beautiful husband of twenty years died in 2002 from GBM stage IV--brain cancer at the age of 44. I promised him I would take care of myself and the kids and I will honor that promise.
Please stay strong and go hug your kids. They need you. Take care--dwlghp

jhope's picture
jhope
Posts: 58
Joined: Mar 2004

hi, I am very truly for your loss. I am 3 months out from chemo & radiation treatment, I am in my 30's also. I worry very much, not for myself as I believe in Christ, but for my husband and children. You not only are going to be there for your kids, but you can if you want too, be a great comfort to those who have cancer and are very worried about loved ones like yourself left behind. I want so much, I cry as I write this that you will find peace so that I might know my husband would also. God bless you, Julia

msh442
Posts: 3
Joined: Jan 2004

jhope, I pray that this finds you doing well. I also hope that this will ease your mind. My husband died 4-23-04 at the ripe old age of 54 yrs. I was not ready to let him go, but feel fortunate that I had him for almost 34 years (he was buried the day before our anniversary). I am certainly not saying that it was easy, but I try to remember the good things and am so thankful that he got to see 2 granddaughters born, a son get married (we had almost given up on that), and we got to take a wonderful trip last fall and were on the road together for 18 days sightseeing and going where we wanted. As you might be able to tell humor is very important to me and though I miss him terrible I try to not let that overwhelm me and remember the good things.

MrsMick
Posts: 6
Joined: Mar 2004

It does get easier, and having the kids will eventually help you by making you do "normal" things. But I have to ask; in 3 years how did you get 6 kids? I hope you don't have 3 sets of twins!

gdpawel's picture
gdpawel
Posts: 549
Joined: May 2001

When it comes time for you to find out all that happened and what to do, many times we may think our thoughts are our own, but more often than not, they emanate from our passed on loved-ones. Through these thoughts, the best parts of our creative character come forth. I could not have done my three years of cancer research without the guidence of Ann. She had inspired each and every avenue of my search for truth.

Whether you personally believe it or not, when we think of making contact with our passed on loved-ones, we first must approach it with the awareness that the world he is in (or the creative sense of a God), is not limited to an area in the clouds out of our reach. Rather, our loved-one is up, down, around and through us, he is intermingled within our own world.

"Our" angels are there, looking after us, until that day when we will be back with them.

As for the pain:

What thousands of grief-stricken mourners are asking, "when will the pain go away?"

The answer, "never".

No one can stand it, the pain is so intense, "it has never gone away for me". You learn to live with it, you get accustomed to it, you accommodate it.

I don't want to deny her memory. Neither do you, your spouse.

Anger is a powerful emotion that drowns all others, and nobody progresses through grief without dealing with it.

God gave me Ann, and it was the viciousness of man that took her away. This is an adequate enough answer for me.

Go to the internet and check out everything on grief. When finished with reading and discussing, it is concluded that there is no cure.

Peace and Blessings to You.

Ruthie2
Posts: 2
Joined: Feb 2004

I lost my husband recently. When we wer told he had cancer my suspicions were gonfirmed. We were marreied for 9 and 1/2 years and were never apart. He had a business and I helped him with it until 1999. He had brain surgery then and had to retire.His health started decling and I was the one that was there for him. yes there were kids on both sides, but they were grown and married and had their own lives. but when I needed them bad, 2 of them would always be there. He didn't want to gotothe hospital or nursing home so we talked about it and decided to deal with Hospice.What a great group of people.The hardest part for me was when he went to bed and never got up again. No warning signs. But I do remember his "Surge"day. I sat by his bed for the next 12 days and I talked to him and sang to him and even kept the T.V. turned to his favorite programs. I even assured him that I would be kay. But the thing is, I'm Not. I have my faith to get me through and some days I don't think I can make it, but then I remember his attitude and zest for life.The kids don't bother to call or come over, so I know know that I'm on my own in this. I joined a support group and that helps some, but then I have to come home to an empty house and all the memories.All I can say is take one day at a time and keep putting one foot in front of the other. oh by the way, my husband found out he had lung and brain cancer in July of 203. I lost him on February 28, 2004. Just 7 and 1/2months after being diagnosed.The doctors wouldn't do any treatment because of the health. no just the cancer.But I'm thankful for the time we had together and all the memories we made. Ihope that when you are having a bad day that you will look at your children and also give them all a big hug.

beadydragon's picture
beadydragon
Posts: 4
Joined: Jun 2004

I lost my 2 year-old son to brain cancer in Decmber 2002. He was a blessing and because he had cancer he touched many people. He showed many, incuding myself what it ment to give and love.

It is vary hard to function after loseing a loved one. In fact I dont remember much of the first year after my son passed away. It's like a pice of you is gone and the pain will never stop. I have found the hurt does fade but there is always a longing for the one lost. And you keep functioning because they would have wanted you to go on. There will always be good days and bad days. You just take it one step at a time. You may never know the reason for it but then agian you may look back on it many years from now and realise that it made you who you are, it made you stronger so now you can face any problem, or it could be that you will help someone else heal some day. Remember God is always with you and he loves you.

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