Mar 02, 2004 - 11:32 am
I've been a registered user since October 2003 when I was first diagnosed, but I always just visit the site, look around for a few minutes, and then I leave because I feel out of place. I don't really think of myself as a "survivor". I don't feel like I've survived anything. I feel like I'm living outside of my old self. I'm still angry about having had to go through this whole ordeal. I had an abnormal pap while I was pregnant with my son, I had the pap done in March 2002, but my ob/gyn didn't catch the abnormal results until July 2002, so she did another one just to be safe. That one came back as severe dysplasia also. After telling me I definitely didn't have cancer, I was sent to an gyn/onc who did a colposcopy and told me that a biopsy wasn't necessary at the time because I was 7 mos pregnant, and he didn't want to risk pre-term labor. I was to have the biopsy in January 2003, 2 mos after I delivered my son. I went back to my ob/gyn and she did another pap which came back normal. She told me that sometimes pregnancy causes abnormal readings, and that I should have another in 6 months. Of course, I forgot about the pap smear and only went in for birth control visits. Through all this time, I'm still in lots of pain. I couldn't have sex, and if I stood for more than 10 mins at a time, I felt tremendous pain and pressure in the ab area. In September 2003, I went in for another birth control visit, and my ob/gyn told me I was overdue for a pap. I had it done that day and the next day she called and said I needed to have a biopsy immediately. She called me a few days later and asked me to come in for the results. Cancer. She told me that in January, the lab she uses mis-reported those pap results; so I had actually been walking around with cervical cancer for 9 months before it was detected. The only thing was that at my age (29), radiation wasn't an option because of the long-term effects. So, I had a hysterectomy in December. It's been 3 mos, and I'm still not sure how I should feel. Whenever I bring up my feelings and what I'm going through with friends and family, I always hear how fortunate I am to have been able to have my son. I am truly grateful for my son. My love for him increased tenfold after I was diagnosed, and I didn't think it was possible for me to love him more than I already did. I still feel like a vital part of me is missing. I'm moody and so depressed at times, I won't even shower or get dressed for days at a time. The one thing I have that keeps me going is my son. But, when he's not home with me, or asleep; I have nothing else to focus on. How do I keep the foggy moods from taking over? Do I even have a right to feel this way?