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Help for spouse

butterfly72
Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2004

I am 31 years old and was just diagnosed on 2-17-04. I'm engaged to be married on 10-23-04 and my fiance is taking this very hard. Are there and support groups for the husbands of womens who have breast cancer?

lynne40
Posts: 87
Joined: Oct 2003

Butterfly,
I would start with the American Cancer Society in your area, they usually have a list of support groups for family members. Their grief is as different as ours is, and they need to vent to. My surgeon's office had a list of resources also, but I had to ask for it. When I asked why it wasn't offered they said everyone is in different stages so when you ask a question they give you the lists(Wigs, support groups, herbals etc.) I suggested that they leave the literature out and available because not everyone will ask.( I see all the info out now!) Hope this helps. Good luck. Know that there are plenty of us out here living after treatment, good full lives. (I ended chemo 5 months ago) Hang in there. Prayers and Hugs!
Lynne

SweetSue
Posts: 219
Joined: Feb 2003

hopefully, u can find a support group for him. My husband of 34 years keep crying and crying...he's never been one to confide in friends. So he had no support. I finally asked him if the doctor told him something he didn't tell me because I knew I was going to be fine....he got the message.
However, our men go through rough times, too. They're afraid of losing us. I guess it's human nature to fear the worst.
Good luck,
Sue

SweetSue
Posts: 219
Joined: Feb 2003

forgot to tell u how terribly sorry I feel for you because you are so young.......prayers do help

sandytrif525's picture
sandytrif525
Posts: 107
Joined: Jan 2003

I can't offer any more advice. My husband took it pretty hard too. He tends to internalize everything. Prayer certainly helps. I agree with sweet onion. You are pretty young. Hope you get some help. Sandy

hummingbyrd's picture
hummingbyrd
Posts: 965
Joined: Sep 2002

Oh my dear, such bad timing, not that this stuff ever has a "good" time to strike. Not sure what to tell you, except that you should expect anything! By that I mean some men are supportive, some withdraw, some get scared and run to avoid the 'issue' and some are downright so superficial they just can't handle a less than 'perfect' woman. If that's the case count your blessings better to find out now rather than finding out after years of marriage. One things for sure you need to focus on YOU getting healthy, make that your top priority. Everything else will work itself out.
God bless and welcome to the site. (((HUGS)))
hummingbyrd

roxanne53's picture
roxanne53
Posts: 157
Joined: Feb 2004

Hello
When I had been first diagnosed in 2000, I had been engaged to be married. It was hard on him and we have gone through it together. We are married (on 10/21/00.) My spouse has been very supportive then and now with the second dx. There are support groups and your medical team should be able to give you that information and resources. We received booklets with information for the spouses and caregivers from our cancer center.
My husband had been through some of this with his mother and sister who had cancer. He is more of a reader rather than a support group person. So he read, and I do know that he talked with his friends who were more at his comfort level. We also held on to our faith pretty tight.
Hope things go well for you both.

inkblot
Posts: 705
Joined: Jul 2001

Everyone is different in what kind of support they need or even want. I'm not aware of any men only support groups but as someone else suggested, check with your oncologist and also the counselor's at your nearest cancer treatment center.

Perhaps he could have a look at the Caregivers board here and the Emotional support board as well.

You've both had a tremendous shock but it will begin to settle. I'd imagine that you're both in a period of absolute disbelief and confusion.
It isn't easy but your fiance will find ways of coping while supporting you as well. His getting educated about breast cancer can also be very helpful.

I echo the other ladies' advising you to take excellent care of yourself and your emotional health and find methods for coping with all that you're feeling and experiencing. Your love for one another and your being able to talk about your cancer can make a tremendous difference.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink

Vanetia
Posts: 19
Joined: Feb 2004

I am 38 and diagnosed 10/03. My husband of 18 years took this very hard also. I have checked with the ACS for support groups, they are available for the entire family. But my husband is like most men, he won't go unless it is for me.
So I asked friends of ours, who were all rallying around me to be there for him. It worked, they take him to the races, and golfing, things like that. So he gets away.
Just remember for both of you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And this can bring you even closer.

ripJoAn
Posts: 3
Joined: Feb 2004

Well it all depends on your husband. I'll give you a example. I asked my wife to marry me at the recovering room after her surgery . She had breast cancer. She did not want me to suffer the pain with her, and she wanted me to leave. Well I married her in 96 untill her passing in 04. It's your future husband will decide weather he can prove if he loves you or not. This is a tuff issue, a hard one I may add. As for cancer groups i'm sure it will help you, but as for my experience, it just bring back bad memories...Hope this help
Friend ripJoAn...

lisagm39
Posts: 6
Joined: Feb 2004

I know how you are feeling. I was just married in November of 03 and was diagnosed in Feb of 04. My husband doesnt like to talk about it. He didnt even want me to tell anyone. He is a very private person. I just try to be there when he is able to talk about it. Feel free to email me if you want im also pretty young too 41 maybe we can go through this together. My first chemo treatment is tomorrow. Im praying for you Lisa

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